To not want my FIL to just walk into my house?

[WHATAREYOUDOINGG]

This has been happening for as long as I have been with DH.

Several times a week, FIL pops over uninvited and if there is an open door (quite often we leave the back door open) he will make entry into our house. We both WFH and there’s been several instances of him peering through the window, walking into meetings, talking loudly to us whilst we are on work calls.

Other notable examples include when I was in the shower and he came into the house, the next thing I heard him shouting he was coming upstairs!

Then today, we are prepping for DS third birthday. I am out in the garden weeding wearing a t-shirt with no bra, and small shorts, all of a sudden I hear the back gate swing open and he’s stood there - deciding he’s coming to the party 3 hours early! I must have looked cross and he immediately made a point of saying I looked annoyed as I scurried away to put a bra on.

I realise this may be a generational thing of just walking into relatives houses, what would you suggest I do in this situation? AIBU?

DH has tried to tell him in the past but he’s very sensitive and just gets offended. He also doesn’t get the hint to leave either, you basically have to be walking out of the house to leave yourself!

I don’t think it’s generational, I think it depends on the family/culture. Most family- My nan, auntie, brother, best friend etc won’t knock if they are visiting but I’m usually expecting them. If I’m visiting them I give a quick knock but go in. But again it’s not unannounced.
my dad however, semi retired and lives a couple streets away, rocks up when he fancies and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest but I’ve just asked my partner does it bother him and although he said “not really” … I get the impression it does! Oops 😬

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable and totally understand why it would bother you. But personally in my family that’s just a thing we do

I can't get worked up about family walking into my house if I've left the backdoor open. But it bothers you so I think you need to be clearer about telling him. Don't let his being "sensitive" control you. When he does something you're unhappy with, tell him not to. Very clearly. And if he does something you've asked him not challenge him on why he does something you've asked him not to. Let him get upset and "sensitive". You don't have to be rude to him to hold your boundaries, just firm and consistent. But you do need to ignore emotional blackmail.

My in-laws do the same shit and it’s honestly infuriating. I’ve come to the point if telling my husband if he doesn’t want to offend his mother I will. It sounds like your husband has at least tried, now it just needs to be reinforced.

Their lack of outside friendships, routines, activities are not your problem. Neither are their feelings.

I'm more surprised that you leave your doors and garden gate unlocked when you've got a 3 year old! Lock the doors then he can't just come in unannounced. It's really not that difficult.

This is easy to deal with, OP.
Just keep your doors locked - I mean, why wouldn't you do that anyway? - and don't give him a key. This man has no right to come into your house uninvited and should have been told so a long time ago.

In addition to keeping things locked, I think you just have to let him be offended. Tell him you need time to do xyz and you're not ready for visitors right now. How he feels is up to him. It's not unreasonable to not want someone who doesn't live in your home to come barging in without warning or hammering at the door all the time.

I'm not ashamed to hide from people if it's easier than telling them to go away, and I'll cheerfully lie to someone who's making my life harder, too. Whatever works best at the moment.

We are another non door locking family. In fact I don’t think I’ve seen the back door key for years .. and we had a MIL problem in this regard when we first moved in. We are very rural and moved here when FIL died in order to be close to MIL.. but didn’t realise that she assumed this meant coming into the house whenever she fancied..

DH did try to say ‘you are always welcome but just give us the heads up first as sometimes we wander around naked now the kids are gone.. ‘ but it fell on deaf ears. So the next time I heard her walking up the gravel driveway (handy early warning system) at 7 am .. I jumped out of bed. Pulled off my PJs and ran down to the kitchen to put the kettle on just as she was coming through the door.. it was worth its weight in gold .. didn’t know where to put herself. I just stood there starkers and said , if you had just rung before you left then we wouldn’t be in this position.. it worked. She’s sadly died now but we enjoyed many years of close company with her. I don’t think we ever said no - it’s not convenient unless we were actually going out. She was great company and we all adored her - and eventually she was able to laugh about the naked daughter in law incident. Although DH told me much later that she still tried to have her way by telling him that he should put his foot down and not ‘let’ me walk around naked in my own house . Luckily DH had the back bone to say ‘I don’t ‘let’ my wife do anything. It’s her house and if she doesn’t want to wear clothes at 7am in her own kitchen then that’s her choice. Then compounded it with ‘I mow the lawn in the buff’… which tbf was probably the line that sealed it.

Its ok if he's offended.
You dont have to put up with this in order to avoid offending him.

This would be absolutely no happening in my house

Fk that..tell him you were having some romantic time together...and he can fk off & not come back if he does it again.
Stop feeding this entitled crocodile

I’d lock door and gate from a safety point of view. Lots of burglaries happen due to opportunistic trying door. Plus risk someone drops a parcel off doesn’t latch gate and your 3 yr old gets out. If he knocks and you are in work call ignore it.

You may feel like you shouldn’t have to but I’d locking the door and bolting the gate.

Forgot to add it’s the most obvious answer that’s all you can do and also just get your partner to tell him again.

YANBU. I would hate this.

However, you need to get past the idea that your FIL will suddenly magically realise that this is annoying you - or more likely, start giving a shit. Because I don’t think he does at the moment. I think he thinks he should always be welcome in his son’s house, and “I should not have to make an appointment to see my grandchildren”. You see this sort of entitlement all the time on MN.

Be bold. Be prepared to say no. Be prepared for him to decide you’re the controlling DIL and that his son would NEVER treat him like this without your influence. Just do what you need to to stop this.

Your garden is not your house. If you have a problem with him just walking in then you need to lock the door/gate.

I do think it is a generational thing. When I was growing up, we almost always knocked and walked in and most people did the same at ours. I have close friends but would never do this. I always wait for people to answer the door.

It’s fine for you to offend him. He is trampling over your boundaries because he knows if you dare to say anything to him, he will get a huff on. Tough shit.
When he came upstairs like the creepy weirdo he is when you were showering that was the time to shriek at him, ask what the hell he was doing, tell him to get out and that he is a creepy weirdo, get rid of him and get some boundaries.
Offend the cheeky fucker.

But so what? You don’t want him walking in unannounced. Making it impossible for him to do so solves your problem. His feelings about that are his to manage, if he’s repeatedly ignored requests to give advance notice.

I had similar happen at my old house, except it wasn’t relatives of mine. It was my friend and my (different) friend’s dad. Because the driveway of my house went into the back garden they would just come and look through the patio doors to see if I was in. At the time my desk was very close to the doors and when I was WFH they would just appear beside me, tapping on the window and waving. I hated it. Not only did it make me jump but it felt so
rude. I would never go into someone’s back garden and look in through their doors at them. It’s plain odd.

Once I was on a Teams call with someone significantly senior than I was. Neither of them would come round to my office and look through the window at me in the middle of the day so I’m not sure why they thought it was appropriate to do that when I was working from home.

So I installed a driveway alarm to give me a heads up as they didn’t stop doing it when I asked.

Unfortunately you should have made your home secure when you first moved in. Once your FIL has got into the "habit" of being able to get into the back garden and through unlocked doors, he'll continue doing it and will be "put out" when he finds them locked as he'll automatically think there's something wrong or that you're deliberately locking him out. Not easy to roll back the time to make him knock and ring now unfortunately. But you could try to make it harder, i.e. a gate on the side of the house to make entry harder by a physical barrier with a lock. That way you can still leave the back door open if you really have to (and reduce risk of intruders too!).

YANBU. ExFIL used to do this when I was home alone with the baby until I got fed up and turned him away at the doorstep. He was offended and told ExH he didn't feel welcome, which I just said was true! He left me alone after that.

No it is not a generational thing. We have keys to our children’s home but only let ourselves in if it has been prearranged, like dropping something off. Your FIL should not be doing this. It is your house not his. You really do need to lock your doors and tell him to give you advance notice. Sod offending him. He isn’t worried about offending you. Is he lonely? Are you his only social life?

I find threads like this so very weighted against in laws.

My rule of thumb is, if I would accept or grin and bear something my own family would do, I’d do the same for my future in laws.