To not want my FIL to just walk into my house?

[WHATAREYOUDOINGG]

This has been happening for as long as I have been with DH.

Several times a week, FIL pops over uninvited and if there is an open door (quite often we leave the back door open) he will make entry into our house. We both WFH and there’s been several instances of him peering through the window, walking into meetings, talking loudly to us whilst we are on work calls.

Other notable examples include when I was in the shower and he came into the house, the next thing I heard him shouting he was coming upstairs!

Then today, we are prepping for DS third birthday. I am out in the garden weeding wearing a t-shirt with no bra, and small shorts, all of a sudden I hear the back gate swing open and he’s stood there - deciding he’s coming to the party 3 hours early! I must have looked cross and he immediately made a point of saying I looked annoyed as I scurried away to put a bra on.

I realise this may be a generational thing of just walking into relatives houses, what would you suggest I do in this situation? AIBU?

DH has tried to tell him in the past but he’s very sensitive and just gets offended. He also doesn’t get the hint to leave either, you basically have to be walking out of the house to leave yourself!

Nothing to do with generations.
Everything to do with families who are used to being very involved in their lives.
And I would add, in some village communities people don’t seem to use the front door, going round the back and into someone’s house is not unheard of. I have experienced that myself.
But it is intrusive. And close family like this can be claustrophobic.
What I would suggest is one of those door poles you can get so your door is open but you put it up against the door and someone cannot just walk in.

If all reasonable requests to knock, and querying why he needs to be at yours so much etc ,fails...maybe spend a week or two dropping by his unannounced and rooting thru cupboards etc ..pointed and childish but that would make it crystal

Either lock the doors and when he accusses you of hiding from him tell him no, we just don't like you walking in, this isn't your house FIL.

Or

Go fucking balistic at him, I mean really go at him ask him why he feels entitled to interupt your privacy, tell him it's inappropriate and creepy because it really is not ok.

I voted YABU because this is so simple to fix. You lock your doors and don’t answer if it’s inconvenient.

If FIL complains you say yes, we didn’t answer the door because it wasn’t convenient.

DH has tried to tell him in the past but he’s very sensitive and just gets offended.

But you're offended by him walking into your house and feel sensitive about his intrusion - why is that not a consideration?

He puts his own feelings first, your husband puts his feelings first, and you're ALSO expected to prioritise his feelings - is there any expectation on him to consider anyone else?

😂😂😂

Lock your damn doors.

Your husband needs to talk to him. He thinks he has free access to your home and your husband is going to have to deal with that. He was going to bust on on you in the shower. Your husband could bring that up and tell him that's got to stop when you don't feel safe in your own home from intrusion.

Screw his feelings. He doesn't care about yours.

I don't see him being sensitive trumping you being uncomfortable.

It's completely unreasonable, especially since most of the time it sounds like he wasn't even expected.

Whats next? Walking in whilst you're having a cheeky shag?

He's treating it like his 2nd home. Not on.

Tell him that you like to hang out naked and he needs to stop popping in and turning up unannounced. An awkward conversation, he can sulk, be offended, post on Grandnet about his unreasonable son/DIL, he should respect your space and privacy because it matters to you, and that's important.

I agree with other posters, lock your doors and gate and spell it out to him. This is definitely over stepping the boundary of what’s acceptable. Sod hurting his feelings.

I agree with most people, just lock the door and sidegate. We do that anyway for security, no annoying family involved.

Let him try and when he can't get in, say it's for security, if you really needed to overegg it (I wouldn't bother personally) you could say that a friend had a stranger try their door.

When our first baby was due we sent out a text to all our family saying please do not just turn up at our door, message first to make sure it’s suitable and everyone still does this.

i wouldn’t dream about just turning up at someone’s door, I’d always message first and would expect the same from others.

Ah, yes "sensitive" people - very sensitive to their own feelings, never to anyone else's. He's got you very well trained: he gets "offended", you back down and shut up, he gets his own way. He's as sensitive as a brick.

Lock the door, tell him straight you don't want uninvited people walking into your home without warning, let him get as offended as he likes, take no notice. Nothing will change unless you change it.

Tell him 'Now Bob, I'm telling you once and for all. I do not want you coming into the house unannounced. It makes me feel uncomfortable in my own home and that's out of order. I'll be locking the door so please just text or ring the bell if you want to come round. And just because we're in doesn't mean we are free. You need to be respectful of our privacy.'

Who gives a shit if he's 'sensitive'?? He's not sensitive about other people, is he? Stop worrying about his poor ikkle hurt feelings and stand up for your own genuine need to not be walked in on in your own home. Also lock doors etc. and if he keeps knocking, leave him to it. If you've already set the boundaries clearly, it's not hard to say: "Why are you knocking? I've told you we don't want unplanned visits when we're working/relaxing/ever, so there's no point knocking."

DH has tried to tell him in the past but he’s very sensitive and just gets offended

Ah yes, one of those who's sensitive only to himself

My exMIL was the same - and did the same - so I didn't tell exH when she was expected to arrive one day and arranged for us to be having sex in the living room at the appropriate time

Suffice to say she never failed to knock again ...

You need to tell him to stop. I have keys for both my offspring houses in case of emergency/walking my granddog. I always ask first before going, even if I know they are at work.

Or you could just bolt the door and tell him (when he asks) that you have had a convo with friends and think you are not keeping the house secure enough so “just give us a call first if you are planning on visiting”. He will soon get the message if you do this 3 or 4 times. Also I do think you should lock your doors.

DH has tried to tell him in the past but he’s very sensitive and just gets offended.

Ah yes, weaponised 'sensitivity' ... when the truth is people like this don't care about other people's boundaries at all and only feign upset to prevent themselves from being held accountable and being stopped from doing what they want to do and to hell with everyone else.

Just take his keys off him, put a lock on the garden gate, and tell him it ends now. He's completely out of order and he knows it. He just doesn't care.

i would hate that so much. Why haven’t either of you lost your shit and explained that it’s not his house and he needs to call and see if it suits you first?

I’d hate that! I’m always pottering about in my knickers and a scruffy T-shirt because I’m at home!

Definitely lock your bloody doors!

I think your husband needs to make it clear that you feel uncomfortable because there’s been a few times when you’ve been getting out of the shower, etc. and that you like your privacy. Stressing that sometimes you’re busy and don’t have time to shower until later in the day (to stop the afternoon drop ins).

It sounds like the sensitivity is him wanting some kind of family closeness so maybe think of something that only he can do “because he’s family” - I don’t know what that could be but something that makes him feel like close family.

We had this problem with my in laws. They always said they rang the bell but we didn't hear, when they had done no such thing. One time I was in on my own in the late evening. In laws knew my husband was away with work. I had double locked the front door and I heard someone hammering on the locked back door. FIL had climbed over the back wall! When we moved we didn't give them a key, and they eventually gave up asking for one.
The solution is either keep your doors and gates locked, but really you shouldn't have to!
Another thought- my friend's FIL had the attitude that his son's house was, by default, his property too so he was entitled to walk in unannounced. He too was "sensitive". Does your FIL maybe have that "my son's is also mine" attitude?

I was brought up in a house where the front door was not closed until it was dark. Neighbours used to just walk in "Yoohoo its only me" and I hated that. One of my rues when I got my own place was that no one, not even my mother, had a key. She had to knock and wait like all other visitors.

One time in the past I got a tatty little flyer that some company was working in the electricity cupboards which are all outside. I was pretty annoyed at being "told" to arrange access because they were actually working on my neighbours house. When the workman was about to walk iuninvited nto my house I went nuclear and asked him where the fuck did he think he was going. He answered that he wanted to look at my consumer unit. I told him to apply by letter and there would be a charge.

I never did get the letter.

It can be both ‘my’ and ‘our’ house depending on the context.

Tell him, you can't just come in, I might be on the sex chair.

You're going to have to just use your words.

He’s not going to telepathically realise you don’t like it and stop doing it.

If I were you, I’d pop over to his house and say “Bob, I know you mean well but I don’t like anyone just popping over unannounced. I especially don’t like anyone just walking into our house or garden. I don’t want you to feel unwelcome, and this is nothing personal. But could you stop doing it please?”

He may be offended at first but he’ll get over it and it’s the only solution.