To not want my FIL to just walk into my house?

[WHATAREYOUDOINGG]

This has been happening for as long as I have been with DH.

Several times a week, FIL pops over uninvited and if there is an open door (quite often we leave the back door open) he will make entry into our house. We both WFH and there’s been several instances of him peering through the window, walking into meetings, talking loudly to us whilst we are on work calls.

Other notable examples include when I was in the shower and he came into the house, the next thing I heard him shouting he was coming upstairs!

Then today, we are prepping for DS third birthday. I am out in the garden weeding wearing a t-shirt with no bra, and small shorts, all of a sudden I hear the back gate swing open and he’s stood there - deciding he’s coming to the party 3 hours early! I must have looked cross and he immediately made a point of saying I looked annoyed as I scurried away to put a bra on.

I realise this may be a generational thing of just walking into relatives houses, what would you suggest I do in this situation? AIBU?

DH has tried to tell him in the past but he’s very sensitive and just gets offended. He also doesn’t get the hint to leave either, you basically have to be walking out of the house to leave yourself!

In my long experience the most sensitive of people are the most thick skinned about everyone else.

They make right fools of those around them.

Padlock on the gate is so basic if you have a side entrance and like your back door open.

We have a very high side gate and lock, absolutely no side access unless it suits us.

No on would dream of being so presumptuous as to walk in to our home uninvited.

We are all too respectful of each other.

Our doors are always locked so this wouldn't ever be an issue. If your FIL can walk in so could a burgler, rapist or violent mentally ill drug addict. I wouldn't ever put my dcs or myself at risk of that.

I think you father in law is least of your worries!!! Get a gate and bolt for garden gate and lock the back door when you are in the shower!!! Literally anyone could walk in!!

Tell your DH that either he deals with it or you will.

"Alan, I want you to stop coming round uninvited and letting yourself in. This is my home and I am not comfortable with it. If you don't immediately stop coming round without either texting or ringing first to ask if it's convenient AND making sure you get a yes first AND not sulking if we say no then we are going to start locking the gates and doors and ignoring you if you turn up. I want to feel safe and relaxed in my own home, to be able to focus on my work when I'm working and feel chilled out when I'm not working. Your rocking up without warning is currently leaving me on edge constantly. I do hope you can respect my request."

Then hope he's so offended he stops coming altogether! Big girl pants on, OP. Imagine the joy when you can feel relaxed in your own bloody house!!!

My MIL used to do this . I think it comes from a generation that were always up and dressed by 9am at least. I didn't care as I am just not bothered . But I know my SIL did as she liked to take her time , in her dressing gown , bath at 10am . My MIL really had trouble wrapping her head around the concept of lazing around , being comfy or as OP said , no bra on .

Yanbu

I could not tolerate this.

Your DH needs to be clear. "We like seeing you but don't like pop in visitors. We will arrange visits that are mutually convenient. If you pop over uninvited, we won't be available."

The blot the garden gate, lock the doors and ignore rude interruptions.

If you invite him over invite him to come after 3pm, we will be busy before and not able to host your before then.

Ask what they would like. Could a regular weekly dinner be accommodated? That might feel like a compromise. No more pop ins, but regular contact guaranteed.

Your DH should pop in on him. All the time.

Tell him exactly why you don’t want him walking in unannounced: because when you’re at home with just your partner, you want to be able to walk around naked/braless or have sex with your husband without your father in law suddenly appearing. Embarrass him. And if he persists after that, you know he’s an inappropriate git.

Do you have a link to what you're suggesting?

I have a situation where this could be useful, but I can't picture what you mean?

Have you posted about this before?

It's really simple. This is what locks were invented for.

And that's fine, if your boobs are small. I'd be mortified if someone turned up when I was bra less and in a T shirt because my knockers are round my knees and massive. It's the first thing anyone will see and I (and probably they) will feel very uncomfortable. I don't want to get my tits out in public.

Your house, your choice.

OP wants to make different choices.

I don’t but Door security poles and google and that should bring up what I mean.

So he's sensitive but can't take a hint? Interesting.

I have friends and family I would just walk into but they would be expecting me and I would still ring the bell as I came in. My parents house was the same. If it was bothersome I would keep door locked.

We both WFH and there’s been several instances of him peering through the window, walking into meetings, talking loudly to us whilst we are on work calls.

Anyone over the age of 5 and of sound mind who walks into my home office or makes ongoing noise in my workspace when I'm WHF gets told "no" once, with an explanation if needed, and if they do it again they're banned from the house. For everyone in the comments who said this is fine because it's family - you all have much more understanding bosses, colleagues, clients, and vendors than I do, but you're still being rude and unprofessional if you routinely allow this.

OP you have a choice. Do something about it or continue to pay the WLT

(wet lettuce tax)

This is because you are normal, your parents are normal and your DH is normal and his parents are normal. But even if your ILs are not normal - you are normal and your dh are, and this is such a wonderful thing! It is pure joy to read comments like this one of yours. Not all is lost - there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity (c).

If ge didn't listen..then take steps to ensure he can't do it.
New bolt/lock for gate and lock your door.

I'd hate it, if it happened to me. Especially after having already confronted him about it.

Like other posters, I'm confounded by all these "sensitive" people and their rhino hides. My late MiL was a bit like that - not the walking in, but the glaring double standards about telling it as she saw it (a euphemism for utter rudeness if ever I saw one) then wailing when she got a taste of her own medicine.

I'm inclined to agree with those posters who've said that there may be no other fix for this than a ruddy great barney and laying down of the rules. Someone who brays "relentlessly" on a locked door isn't someone amenable to a reasonable chat over a cuppa. I hope you can sort things out OP. If you can't expect safety and privacy in your own home, where can you?

I expect he started doing it a lot more after he caught you topless in the garden dirty old perv.

Are you joking?! I’m 46GG and they’re unfortunately saggy now that I’m post-40! If I’ve no bra on, my boobs are almost at my waist! I can’t even drive with no bra on, they get in the way!
Edited for typo, I put 36GG instead of 46GG - wishful thinking there!

Where did OP say she was topless?

Yeah this is the main reason we lock doors not to keep serial killers and burglars out but to actually keep family out.

Mine are massive too. I just find bras really uncomfortable. Everyone has got used to seeing my saggers.

YANBU. It’s unreasonable to just walk into someone else’s house.

How is he getting to your open back door? Don’t you have a way to stop this? Bolting gates etc?

Bra less then. My point still stands. He has very poor boundaries that seem to centre around op - who the hell tries to go upstairs in someone else's house especially when someone is having a shower. He knows exactly what he is doing.