To not want my FIL to just walk into my house?

[WHATAREYOUDOINGG]

This has been happening for as long as I have been with DH.

Several times a week, FIL pops over uninvited and if there is an open door (quite often we leave the back door open) he will make entry into our house. We both WFH and there’s been several instances of him peering through the window, walking into meetings, talking loudly to us whilst we are on work calls.

Other notable examples include when I was in the shower and he came into the house, the next thing I heard him shouting he was coming upstairs!

Then today, we are prepping for DS third birthday. I am out in the garden weeding wearing a t-shirt with no bra, and small shorts, all of a sudden I hear the back gate swing open and he’s stood there - deciding he’s coming to the party 3 hours early! I must have looked cross and he immediately made a point of saying I looked annoyed as I scurried away to put a bra on.

I realise this may be a generational thing of just walking into relatives houses, what would you suggest I do in this situation? AIBU?

DH has tried to tell him in the past but he’s very sensitive and just gets offended. He also doesn’t get the hint to leave either, you basically have to be walking out of the house to leave yourself!

My PIL used to be like this, and I think it’s less of a generational thing and more of a family culture thing. My DH didn’t see anything wrong with it until there were a couple of occasions when FIL came round and I was asleep in my knickers and a T shirt on the sofa / wearing just a towel after a shower. He then understood why I thought it was a privacy issue!

But they’re also the type of family who always use the back door, never the front door. My family always would knock on the front door. I think this is part of it, as I see the front door as how you gain entry and it’s locked. Whereas my back doors into the garden are usually open in good weather, and I wouldn’t expect someone to let themselves in the side gate into the garden announced. In DHs family that’s a totally normal thing to do!

If you read to the end...

@WHATAREYOUDOINGG why is HIS ‘offendeness’ more important than yours?
Its your home, he’s being bloody rude. Tell him it’s really not nice to do this and it upsets you. Tough luck if he’s ’sensitive’ about it - that’s just another way of saying he doesn’t like being told he’s mannerless, especially if he’s been asked/told before. He doesn’t mind upsetting you, you’ll have to tell him again - firmly. If he sulks or goes in a huff, another win!

You should have said it was a direct result of of his unannounced visit

He's not sensitive FFS. He's just selfish. Funny how all these sensitive people can behave badly but can't be told. Utter crap. Lock your doors.

@WHATAREYOUDOINGG this 💯

He needs to be really offended and you need to have a right row about this.

Tell your husband to sort this out now or you will tell him he is no longer welcome.

Your boundaries are very poor that you are tolerating this.

This is NOT his house.

Why are you so afraid to have a big fall out?

Fallouts are great when they get rid of rude, intrusive, entitled people.

Stop giving a shit if he takes offence.
How dare he walk into your garden and house.

Move house if necessary.

Sort your husband out first and tell him to sort out his father.

And mean it.

Why do his hurty feeling trump your desire for privacy?

So let him knock! If you are working, you are not available to guests. Same as if you were in the office. After 10 mins or so he should get fed up and leave. If he gets offended so be it. He won’t take an hint so either you or he are going to have to be offended. Currently it is you. Your choice.

Trip wire.

YABU for allowing it to happen.
Lock the doors for a start, & take away any keys he has.
Then get DH to tell him not to do it - offending him is not your problem.

The work aspect would annoy me most. It's not professional and gives the people you are working with a poor impression. I would go through him for a short cut for that alone. Coming upstairs when you are in the shower borders on creepy. You need to get him, and your DH, told and not give a fuck if he is offended.

This would be my worst nightmare. To a point I'd consider moving far enough away that popping in so regularly was not possible. It's so rude! Definitely locks everywhere and a proper sit down with him to explain about boundaries.

He'll have to be offended then. He's old enough to deal with it.

Scream every time he surprises you!

Is he lonely, bored ? Where's MIL? Whatever the issue, lock the doors. But you'll have to let him in when he knocks and insist that your husband sorts him out with boundaries and maybe some Counselling / a hobby.

YABU. Stop leaving the back door unlocked! You're lucky it's just your irritating FIL and not an opportunist thief wandering in.

And let FIL get upset about being told off. He'll soon learn

Agreed. When we moved to a house with an easily accessible garden the first thing we did was get a padlock because my fil would just walk in

My friend had this. It ramped up when she was on maternity leave as he kept popping in to see the baby. He'd just taken early retirement and his wife had agoraphobic issues so I think he was bored.

He caught her in the nude walking from the bathroom to the bedroom. Her in-laws helped them financially on a grand scale and her husband gave his dad a key so he probably felt entitled. I know my friend felt awkward about it because of the support, but she asked her husband to talk to his dad. He did and he burst into tears and my friend felt all kinds of mean. Handle it carefully but assertively.

I'd encourage force him to call maybe once a week at a certain time, say for tea, due to your work during the day, and you're busy at weekends right? Set up a schedule and change the day every week. Just get him used to not being able to call when he wants, but he is still welcome. On your terms.

I voted YABU - lock the doors. Go ballistic make it clear it's not his house.
It is not a generational thing - it's a rude bugger thing

Let him be offended , anyone who is that tone deaf to walking inon people's lives has no business being offended- it's about time he learnt- and lock your back door.

My dad used to do this too. In the end I told him to at least ring the bell before coming in as hus sudden appearance used to make me jump!

This is the only solution

My fil did it ..total CF he was (he would be 74 if he was still alive)