Is it unreasonable to be frustrated by a guest who says they eat anything when they actually don’t?

[funinthesun22]

My MIL is staying with us over the bank holiday. When I asked in advance what she’d like to eat, she said she eats anything and was happy to have whatever we usually have.

Friday dinner was a vegetable and chickpea but apparently she hates chickpeas and dried fruit in savoury food. Saturday breakfast (yogurt, granola, fruit) didn’t go down well either. I took her to M&S so she could pick things she’d enjoy, but she kept insisting she was fine and didn’t add anything to the basket until I said we’d planned tacos for dinner she said she didn’t know what that was and didn’t sound keen, so we bought an alternative dinner for her.

At lunch I made a salad with homemade dressing. She didn’t like the sound of the dressing and asked for salad cream which we didn’t have. I offered vinaigrette, olive oil, or mayo as alternatives but she turned them all down and had a plain salad. She also asked for a few additions we didn’t have, despite us having been in M&S two hours earlier offering to buy food. We’ve got a BBQ planned today and I’m hopeful now that I know more of her dislikes but still not entirely sure.

AIBU to find this frustrating? I genuinely don’t mind catering to a picky eater. I just need to know what she actually likes. But every time I ask, I get “I’ll eat whatever you’re having” when that’s clearly not the case.

I get where she’s coming from to an extent. As many, many people on here have said, when she initially said she will eat anything, she was probably just thinking of her “normal” staple foods, and granola and chickpeas and tacos won’t have crossed her mind.
In the same way that, if anyone asks if I have dietary requirements I always say I don’t eat fish. Because I don’t like it, and wouldn’t want to eat it. Other than that, I’d initially say I’ll eat anything. But thinking about it, I remember being a child and my grandma made steak and kidney pie. I hated the kidneys. But I’d never think now to say I don’t eat kidneys, because I’d never imagine someone would serve me them (in the same way I guess she never thought she’d need to say she didn’t like chickpeas as they’re just not in her world). I’d also never say I don’t like livers or tripe. So I guess I can see why initially she wasn’t more specific.

HOWEVER that aside, she could have been more bloody helpful once arriving. You say that breakfast of granola didn’t go down well with her, but in another message you say you did offer her other breakfast bits that she didn’t want either. And the whole M&S thing is annoying. You gave her options and opportunity!

its also a generational thing I think. My DPs are mid 70s and they wouldn't know what a taco is.

That isn't generational. It's an unadventurous diet thing. DH is 74 and we eat tacos fairly regularly. We had satay kebabs with peanut sauce last night. I am making chicken tikka later.

I’ve finally made it to the bottom of the thread, and I think the suggestion of running menus by MIL would be a good idea. Though not sure if she’d say yes anyway because she doesn’t want to make a fuss. We’re going out for a pub lunch today, so I’ll keep an eye on what she orders. This is the first time she’s not been following some kind of restricted diet which she often didn’t like the food on, so I can’t judge based on what I’ve seen her eating before. As well as being unobservant, DH has a terrible memory and genuinely doesn’t remember what everyone else ate. It’s a running joke that DH materialised one day at 18 because when anyone in DH’s family says ‘remember when…’, DH never remembers. Asking SIL might help so I’ll ask that. She liked the corn, sausages, potatoes, halloumi and pepper skewers with a honey drizzle, chicken (which had a mild garlic free shawarma rub on), some tabbouleh, and only avoided the tofu and mushrooms. It worked out well because I put what I wanted on my vegetarian food, DH kept the meat relatively plain, and she ate some of the food which I didn’t think she would, especially the halloumi.

I think the thing I hadn’t considered is that people might think they eat everything but only in their own frame of reference. That’s something I’ll bear in mind for other guests.

I wasn’t trying to intimidate MIL by taking her to an expensive supermarket. We’d taken the baby swimming together and there’s an M&S over the road, so it was less of a frogmarch to the shop and more of a ‘we need more oat milk and snacks for the baby, should we pick you up something while we’re here’. There is also a Tesco nearby, but I avoid it because it’s a bit out the way, usually takes ten minutes to get off the car park because of the traffic lights, and I thought it would be easier to find something in the smaller M&S than the massive Tesco. Plus the food is nice and I wanted to make MIL feel like she could have good food, and no pressure to pick the cheapest option, but logistics was the main reason it was M&S.

And finally the salad cream. My fussy eating comes in the form of cold sauces, which I almost universally hate. Crispy chilli oil is the only condiment I like, and the salad dressing I make (a herby green goddess one) is the only one I’ll eat, otherwise it’s olive oil. I don’t think I’ve ever tried salad cream, but I just know it’s not for me. I don’t like ketchup, mayonnaise, hummus, barbecue sauce, sweet chilli, hot sauce anything like that because of the texture. Chips and dips is my nightmare meal! DH likes mayonnaise and sweet chilli sauce so we have those in, but no other sauces, though I’d be happy to buy in some salad cream if I’d known.

I wouldn’t want a bolognaise someone had fried the fat off either! The taste is in the fat!
I also wouldn’t particularly enjoy chickpeas and vegetables even though I grew up on Middle Eastern food, because in my experience it would be bland and watery.
If I had any guests I’d make sure I had in eggs, bread, cheeses, salad stuff, cold meats. And I’d do something simple for dinner with chicken and potatoes.
Chickpeas etc just seem a bit goady tbh!

You are right OP - I would consider that I eat most things ( I love a lot of foreign food by the way) but when I actually looked at your post, I don’t like corn, tabbouleh, halloumi or indeed stuff on skewers !! So as others have said my ‘eat most things’ does have preferences - I think it’s easier to just say what you are planning on and ask if she’s ok and if not I would get her something separate and simple - quiche and salad or new potato’s, M&S ready meals etc

No, I tailored my comment to the OP's mil specifically. It wasn't a general comment and it wasn't about you personally. I'm in my 50s and my husband is 60 next year so I'm definitely not ageist, and we eat all kinds of things, but some people do not and that's what I was talking about.

It’s very frustrating. But her everything is within her realm of food. It’s the not trying just a little. Keep it simple. You all want to have a happy dinner table.

How is she supposed to know what’s normal in your house though, so what you’d have in stock?

The only reasonable approach is to tell her what each meal is and ask if that’s ok or not.

Bloody hell yes. Im 64 and eat all kinds of food. Im vegetarian so pulses are obligatory.
I guess if an older person has dentures pulses might be a bit troublesome especially cous cous as it gets everywhere. Most 60 year olds have travelled these days so are not stuck in the era of wartime cooking.

I will eat anything but not bread ? That is truely weird

He’ll have it but on rare occasions and somewhat begrudgingly.

I have no problem with fussy eaters, I used to be one myself, my issue is that he just says he’ll eat anything but in then in practice he doesn’t. We also grew up with wildly different food cultures, which doesn’t help. I’m not a “I need endless dips” person, I’m a “olive oil and vinegar is all I need” person.

Yes, she should have been clearer, absolutely. I think in this case, what happened is more of a fundamental misunderstanding from her on what 'anything' could involve. It might be better to reframe the question, instead of asking what she doesn't eat, ask what she would usually have for breakfast/lunch/dinner. She probably doesn't think she is fussy, as she just doesn't think about foods she wouldn't normally eat. So didn't mean to mislead you, was just blinkered with her daily diet.

Whilst what you mentioned sounded lovely, fresh, nicely prepared and healthy, it isn't traditionally British. So by asking what she normally eats, rather than what she doesn't, you might get a better picture to make some little tweaks to cater to. Good luck!

Yes, she probably means she will eat anything from her limited repertoire of meals. Not knowing what tacos are is a bit of a giveaway.

This sounds exactly like my Dad was. In fact my Dad was also very scathing of what he considered "faddy' people, i.e. what we typically now call picky eaters, but in fact he was probably the faddiest eater I knew. He would have been outraged to have this pointed out.

The list of things he wouldn't eat included:

• Pizza,
• Any sort of pasta that didn't come out of a tin covered in tomato sauce,
• Rice (except rice pudding which was OK)
• Any sort of melon,
• Bananas,
• Cucumber,
• Tomatoes with their seeds in,
• Curry (well let's face it, anything "forrin")
• Cottage cheese
• Coleslaw
• Crumbles (weirdly as he would happily eat things like apple pie)
• Yoghurt
• Crusty bread (didn't like hard crusts)

The list probably goes on but he has been dead for nearly 40 years so I cannot remember more. No doubt it would have been added to over the years if he had lived longer.

Basically he liked traditional meat and two veg type meals similar to what he was brought up with in the 20s and 30s. But faddy? Him? No!

ooo pease pudding.....served with boiled bacon.....yum.

Oh, you've made me remember another of FIL's aversions, quiche. It wasn't a food for men - I'll refrain from saying what sort of men he said it was for - they also had a disease! He was a committed Christian!

Actually, weirdly, my Dad would eat quiche, but that may have been because Mum presented it as a bacon and egg flan and I guess "flans" were acceptable.

Bacon and egg flan! Love it! 😂

Totally agree. My dps in their 80s and used to eat Thai, Chinese, Indian in the 80s and 90s

Yes pease pudding, vaguely remember it but wouldn’t have eaten it as a dc as it sounded disgusting