Is it unreasonable to be frustrated by a guest who says they eat anything when they actually don’t?

[funinthesun22]

My MIL is staying with us over the bank holiday. When I asked in advance what she’d like to eat, she said she eats anything and was happy to have whatever we usually have.

Friday dinner was a vegetable and chickpea but apparently she hates chickpeas and dried fruit in savoury food. Saturday breakfast (yogurt, granola, fruit) didn’t go down well either. I took her to M&S so she could pick things she’d enjoy, but she kept insisting she was fine and didn’t add anything to the basket until I said we’d planned tacos for dinner she said she didn’t know what that was and didn’t sound keen, so we bought an alternative dinner for her.

At lunch I made a salad with homemade dressing. She didn’t like the sound of the dressing and asked for salad cream which we didn’t have. I offered vinaigrette, olive oil, or mayo as alternatives but she turned them all down and had a plain salad. She also asked for a few additions we didn’t have, despite us having been in M&S two hours earlier offering to buy food. We’ve got a BBQ planned today and I’m hopeful now that I know more of her dislikes but still not entirely sure.

AIBU to find this frustrating? I genuinely don’t mind catering to a picky eater. I just need to know what she actually likes. But every time I ask, I get “I’ll eat whatever you’re having” when that’s clearly not the case.

I think the responses are pretty harsh. Sounds like MIL is trying to not make a fuss by saying she'll eat anything (ok, she doesn't, but who does? Roast tarantula anyone? Crickets on toast?) then you're serving up chickpeas... I bet a sizeable number of people given the choice between chickpeas or chicken and two veg would go the latter. Cut her some slack.

Yeah, you are serving up food she is unlikely to have seen and eaten before. My parents, in their 90s, are similar. Chickpeas, granola, vinaigrette, tacos? A conveyor belt of unfamiliar food.

I considered adding this to the OP but didn’t want it to make it too long, the reason I don’t really know what she eats (and neither does DH) is we don’t live near her and until recently she’s been doing these hair intolerance tests do has always brought her own food because every test tells her different things she can and can’t eat so I’ve never been able to get a grasp on what she does or doesn’t like. SIL has convinced her to take a break from them and this is the first time we’ve actually had to cater for her beyond making coffee. DH was an outrageously picky eater until uni so his recollection of food at home is mostly sausages, and marmite sandwiches. He’s never been into food and I don’t think paid much attention to what everyone else was eating.

I think the point that she’ll eat anything, as long as it’s meat and potatoes is probably right and I’ll definitely take that into account. So hopefully a barbecue which is mostly pretty simple will hit the spot.

It's probably a generational thing. It's interesting you should mention tacos because it's a perfect example of a relatively modern addition to the dinner menu canon. Plus it's food you eat with your hands. My MIL would have been game to try, but would never cook that herself.

As regards the salad dressing, salad cream is a classic boomer food. I personally can't stand the stuff but remember it being a cupboard staple growing up.

She means she'll eat any food that she's familiar with. Sausages, chops, shepherds pie etc. You must have had an inkling that Tacos wouldn't go down well.

My mother was like this, I knew what we ate when I was a kid was simple 1970s stuff but not what she ate whilst out on trips with friends after I left home obviously. Whenever we went out for a day with the kids or even just the two of us we had this stuff over food. She did actually say - you know me I’ll eat anything. Anything that was a roast dinner essentially. Who can’t find anything that they will eat for lunch in a National trust cafe for heavens sake! That was the day when all of the sandwiches were met with a wrinkled nose even though they had a plain ham and cheese with no mayo etc. The fact that the sausages were casseroled instead of plain grilled was definitely beyond the pale. In the end we bought the sandwich and she peeled the cheese out and asked if she could have some more bread to make a cheese sandwich to eat with her ham sandwich 🤷‍♀️ The real kicker I had asked if she wanted to take a packed lunch but no “it’s more relaxing to eat there”

Thanks for reading my rant quite therapeutic. In terms of your mother in law? Can your husband ask her to note down what sort of things she really likes/what she eats at home and most importantly what she know she doesn’t like. Otherwise get in some very basics and she can survive on sandwiches, toast etc for a few days.

My elderly uncle who insists he eats anything and isn’t fussy actually means he eats anything that was popular in his middle class English area in the 60s and 70s. So basically only meat and two veg, no spices, everything quite plain and simple. He genuinely seems to be unaware of other options, it wouldn’t occur to him to tell me that he doesn’t like spicy food as nobody has ever presented him with a plate of spicy food before, it’s not on his radar at all.

So I agree it’s frustrating (especially when you even took her to a shop!) but remember it’s a function of how her life has been so far, it’s not deliberate rudeness or being difficult, and try not to get wound up.

Maybe just make plainer options for every meal.

Ah. YANBU but I feel a bit for MIL. When you asked her if there is anything she wants to eat she said she would eat anything. But clearly didn’t realise you eat different things. And assumed you would eat what she eats. Which she likes.
And assumed you would have salad cream. Actually she is not alone in disliking fruit within savoury food. Doesn’t bother me but I have come across people who have surprised me by not liking it at all.
You should be okay with a BBQ. Then again…..she will be expecting burgers and sausages. Possibly a fish. If you are doing anything that for her would be a bit unusual then let her know as you have time to sort.
She is your guest, and whilst a relative is a product of her time and era. I don’t think she is trying to be awkward.

How old is your MIL ? Some previous posts are terribly ageist . I'm in my 60s and yes I grew up with Vesta dried curries and Bernie steakhouse regarded as exotic but regularly cook and eat a wide variety of ingredients (including fajitas but not tacos).

This idea that anyone over 60 only wants to eat "traditional" food is nonsense.The huge increase in variety of food consumed in the UK was driven by "old" people back in the late 70's and 80's.

I’m sorry your post made me laugh @funinthesun22 your food choice is pretty “quinoa and açai”. I’d love your food but she meant she eats normal day to day food. Breakfast cereal, sandwiches for lunch, normal family dinners.

Excellent post!

@Stillreadingalot sure, obviously there are a lot of older more adventurous eaters, I don’t think anybody’s disputing that. But equally what seems “normal everyday” food to people of different generations and backgrounds is going to be very different.

I think your idea of what constitutes home cooking is very different to hers. She was expecting standard meat and two veg type dishes, if she doesn't even know what a taco is, then none of your meals will go down well to be honest. I'd prepare more traditional meals for her.

The question is too vague to get a useful response. If you asked me I'd say like pretty anything apart from x,y,z which is true but I can't stand dried fruit in savoury dishes but that's way too specific for me to have mentioned it on the off chance

Clearly she's an annoying woman full stop but you need to be clearer and spell it out - MIL I'm offering to buy you anything you like from M & S and please don't complain later if you you choose not to have anything and you don't like what I've cooked, we won't have an alternative

I thought the generation who only know traditional “English” food had gone now, I didn’t realise this was a thing anymore!

My grandparents were like this, absolutely. But my parents (79 & 81) and my aunts and uncles, parents friends etc are all very open to all types of food.

This is drama queenery by stealth. Fuck that. Get her son to deal with it, and do the cooking. Hopefully a bbq is safe territory! If not, tough shit, let her pick out what she will eat and not eat.

I have a mil like this. Ive had to watch her diet become more and more restricted over 35 years to the point where she now always brings her own food for breakfast and lunch but I still have to provide for her evening meal. Tomatoes aggravate her arthritis so I always ensure not to give her any (quite a challenge for me as I favour Italian cuisine and a Mediterranean diet) but apart from that, I now just cook what I damn well please and let her pick at what she wants from it. I think you sound ever so kind and accommodating in comparison to me!

You put fruit in a savoury meal? 😐come back 1970s all is forgiven.
Personally though if someone cooks for me as a guest Ill eat it and call it delicious even if I have to have my stomach pumped afterwards.

I do agree with this.
If you were born in the 60’s grew up in the 70’s and were young still in the 80’s you will have lived through a complete explosion of cuisines to an extent that later generations actually haven’t.
This notion that older people eat meat and two veg daily is in itself very old fashioned. My dad who was nearly 80 would like nothing more than a curry. And used to make his own pizza.

I'm rather taken aback too. My parents are in their late 70s. Mum grew up learning to cook in the era of Elizabeth David and a huge increase in flavours and ingredients. She's been using chickpeas as a regular and standard ingredient since the 80s at least.

PIL is a bit more meat and two veg and will eat rice but not pasta. I always thought he was somewhat of an outlier these days rather than the norm for his age but maybe not from these replies.

Pretty standard North African concept isn't it?

A vegetable and chickpea what? Curry?
Salad for lunch?? Are you not a big eater?
Id be expecting a meat dish, bacon rolls or fry up for brekkie etc. at the very least I'd be offering her something cooked for brekkie or porridge.

I have to agree with her - I wouldn't like any of those dishes offered. I much prefer traditional food and would be quite happy with a cheese sandwich too! However, she should have chosen what she would like when you were in M&S to save any further problems.

It does sound like you're being disingenuous here. You know that unless she's a bit more adventurous and alternative, she was referring to typical British or familiar European fare. It does sound a bit like you've made a point of serving things that Gen X and younger are familiar with almost to catch her out.

Do you like her? Did it cross your mind in M&S that she would have been aware of your frustrations and was afraid to be 'difficult'? You could have avoided this by asking 'What shall we eat tonight?' rather than stating that you were planning tacos.

There is another aspect to this.
I'm in my 60s and there are some foods I've happily eaten my whole life, but can't tolerate so easily now. They include anything too creamy or buttery, certain spices and oily dressings. Some fruits. I'm sure you know what I'm alluding to. 😬