Is it unreasonable to be frustrated by a guest who says they eat anything when they actually don’t?

[funinthesun22]

My MIL is staying with us over the bank holiday. When I asked in advance what she’d like to eat, she said she eats anything and was happy to have whatever we usually have.

Friday dinner was a vegetable and chickpea but apparently she hates chickpeas and dried fruit in savoury food. Saturday breakfast (yogurt, granola, fruit) didn’t go down well either. I took her to M&S so she could pick things she’d enjoy, but she kept insisting she was fine and didn’t add anything to the basket until I said we’d planned tacos for dinner she said she didn’t know what that was and didn’t sound keen, so we bought an alternative dinner for her.

At lunch I made a salad with homemade dressing. She didn’t like the sound of the dressing and asked for salad cream which we didn’t have. I offered vinaigrette, olive oil, or mayo as alternatives but she turned them all down and had a plain salad. She also asked for a few additions we didn’t have, despite us having been in M&S two hours earlier offering to buy food. We’ve got a BBQ planned today and I’m hopeful now that I know more of her dislikes but still not entirely sure.

AIBU to find this frustrating? I genuinely don’t mind catering to a picky eater. I just need to know what she actually likes. But every time I ask, I get “I’ll eat whatever you’re having” when that’s clearly not the case.

This!! Since I hit perimenopause there is now an ever increasing list of foods which give me dreadful stomach cramps and diarrhoea. I've also developed a few random allergies.

its also a generational thing I think. My DPs are mid 70s and they wouldn't know what a taco is.

Yes, and that is the theme of this thread - what can someone reasonably be expected to anticipate? Suggesting the mil is incapable of imagining such a thing as tagine, but the OP should be a mind reader, is just silly. Both made wrong assumptions, but the OP then tried very hard to accommodate her MIL.

Yes, this is the situation I’m in and I grew up in a small semi rural village. But curries, tagine, Mexican food is all totally normal to me. I honestly didn’t think it would be an issue. The cheap chain pub which was across the road from my student house did sizzling fajitas and that’s getting on for 15 years ago. Old El Paso kits have been around for what feels like my whole life. I thought Mexican food (or at least the British take on it) was widely familiar and tacos would work well as a meal because all the components are separate.

Oops sorry, yes a tagine. Don’t mean to leave anyone hanging. We do have cereals in, but they’re Ready Brek and Weetabix because I can hide my baby’s vitamins in them. We did have eggs in but planned to have with the salad for lunch so didn’t offer them for breakfast, which I’ll make sure we do next time, but we did have toast. And I picked up crumpets for this morning.

Salad was mixed leaves, tomatoes, avocado, cheeses (feta, cheddar and Edam), eggs, ham, bread, and nuts/seeds. By plain salad, I meant the leaves were undressed, not just a bowl of iceberg.

As with all forms of prejudice, it's the realisation that one is not seen as an individual. One characteristic one has, over which one has no control, is the only thing that registers, and assumptions are made that all of us with that characteristic are all alike, and because of having that characteristic, are in some way less than other people. Ageism is a particularly perplexing form of prejudice as no sane person can believe that everyone their age is alike when they are all young. What is supposed to happen to us as we get old to make us all the same is a mystery.

I agree but if MIL had been raised in a "don't make a fuss" mindset, that would make it difficult for her to speak out.

Personally if I have guests, I say "we are planning X, Y and Z for dinner, sound OK or would you prefer something else?" and go from there.

I personally would have had just basic breakfast food available and would have run the choice of food rather than asking what they don’t like ! I consider myself easygoing with food but there is a lot of food that I cannot stand ie chickpeas,yogurt,various fruit and veg ,offal,seafood .
Likewise my adult children all have lots of food they really don’t like,I respect that and can comprehend that!

My in-laws once said oh don't worry about lunch for us so we didn't and they hadn't had lunch and they never made that mistake again

God my gran was like this. "I don't want to be any trouble" and wouldn't tell.me what she wanted to eat but when I just took the initiative and bought something she didn't like it!
I remember saying to her so often she was being trouble by not just telling me what she wanted to eat
Ahhh!! Gets me annoyed just thinking about it!

Oh, come on.

Poor MIL, tiny violins, it's so hard.

No, she was being rude and childish. There is a line.

Either you accept what you're offered with a good grace, or you manage to be reasonably polite about suggesting alternatives.

The OP did say to her MIL 'we are planning X for dinner' and she bought an alternative when her MIL wasn't keen. It's right there in the OP.

What else do you want her to do?

Thanks for the further info @funinthesun22 .

There are an awful lot of people in this world who, when asked to speak honestly, are simply much more comfortable with NOT saying what they think, want or need. I did a job where I saw this over and over again. They don't care about the consequences for others and they can make life really difficult. I would just make sure there's plenty of staples in.

She thinks she’s eats any thing in the normal family mea range, and normal family fridge and cupboard stock.

You think you’re serving and stocked under the normal family kitchen range.

The issue being that there’s zero overlap between your perspectives of normal.

Best bet going forward is probably to outline the rough meal plan for the weekend. We have this with my in laws. My father in law doesn’t like chicken. So they never have it, and its so engrained they totally forget that it’s a two night a week feature in many other households.

And which posts on this thread make you feel like that? Because, while I've seen a lot of posts that talk about individuals the poster knows (normally parents) and a fair few that say some older people... The ones that refer to older people as a homogenous group are rare and even those don't suggest that the stereotype they are pushing makes those people less valuable.

I can understand how it happens. I’m mid 40s and and as I child we never had salad dressing (but did have salad cream - never mayo) so ‘plain’ salad is my default. Never had a curry until I was an adult. Never had hummus.

Tagine, fajitas, tacos, cous cous…none of these would cross my parents’ mind as possible food option. And they are only in their 60s.

YANBU, OP.

The concomitant of saying you'll eat anything is not making a fuss when something pops up you're not keen on. It's just good manners.

It's also not generational to have such limited palate. While this is anecdotal, I'm in my early 70s and have never met anyone of my generation who eats like this, and that includes getting to my 70s and meeting lots of people outside my age range.

Could be geographical though, if people stay, you know, local.

Even the most eclectic of eaters isn't going to like everything...or at least we all have our preferences.
Chickpeas and dried fruit aren't my cup of tea either and certainly not what I would expect someone to serve if they weren't sure what their guests' tastes were. It's quite the combination of tastes and textures tbh.
Having said that the rest of your weekend sounds like a PITA.

Even the most eclectic of eaters isn't going to like everything...or at least we all have our preferences.

Absolutely. I would struggle to eat anything containing parsnip and I'm not fond of shellfish.

I eatost things and might say I like all foods but would probably caveat that I'm not keen on salad and don't like mayonnaise. But I wouldn't mention my hatred of chickpeas and kale because they seem a bit niche but it sounds like you've hit every fussy button I have 😂 I'd be grand with tacos mins you and genuinely if having salad prefer it without dressing. I agree with others she probably just always eats the same foods but doesn't think of herself as fussy

It is isn't it?! And yoghurt and granola even, people have yoghurt preferences and granola preferences that are hugely varied. I think op was trying to show off

I agree it's a bit of a niche mix of ingredients but if you specifically say, as MIL did, that you'd be 'happy with whatever I normally have' then you get whatever is usually on rotation that the kids are happy to eat.

OMG eating yoghurt and granola is 'showing off' now 😆

This thread is so much fun, I am learning a lot about people and food.

I'm not sure most people in the real world have yogurt and granola for breakfast. It's such a mumsnet thing.

I'm only eating that stuff (minus the granola) because I'm trying to lose weight/be healthier. Most people just want simple regular food I think not super healthy!

OP, yanbu because she really needed to say in the shop what she wanted, but also yabu because tagine and tacos are not really standard UK food (and salad is rubbish regardless).

I eat a lot of pulses but hate fruit in savoury food, and I don't think that's uncommon.

You really need to think asking the lines of pub grub for her - meat and veg, cottage pie, meat stew, normal pie, she might maybe eat a lasagne (my pils will), soup and bread, fish and chips, that kind of thing.

I wouldn't ever think to serve older people tacos, that's pretty out there for that generation.

Are chickpeas so unusual we get through a kilo a week ( we are veggi) I grew up in the 80's/90's we always had them in. I would say I have eaten them most weeks since I was a child.

I think the difference is you’re veggie. I personally like chickpeas, but have only really started eating them (other than in hummus) in the last few years. They certainly weren’t a staple in any non-veggie households when I grew up (don’t know about veggie households as I only had one friend who was vegetarian and food at hers was usually a cheese sandwich!).

It’s still something I wouldn’t necessarily expect to be standard in a non-vegetarian / non-vegan household.