Is it unreasonable to be frustrated by a guest who says they eat anything when they actually don’t?

[funinthesun22]

My MIL is staying with us over the bank holiday. When I asked in advance what she’d like to eat, she said she eats anything and was happy to have whatever we usually have.

Friday dinner was a vegetable and chickpea but apparently she hates chickpeas and dried fruit in savoury food. Saturday breakfast (yogurt, granola, fruit) didn’t go down well either. I took her to M&S so she could pick things she’d enjoy, but she kept insisting she was fine and didn’t add anything to the basket until I said we’d planned tacos for dinner she said she didn’t know what that was and didn’t sound keen, so we bought an alternative dinner for her.

At lunch I made a salad with homemade dressing. She didn’t like the sound of the dressing and asked for salad cream which we didn’t have. I offered vinaigrette, olive oil, or mayo as alternatives but she turned them all down and had a plain salad. She also asked for a few additions we didn’t have, despite us having been in M&S two hours earlier offering to buy food. We’ve got a BBQ planned today and I’m hopeful now that I know more of her dislikes but still not entirely sure.

AIBU to find this frustrating? I genuinely don’t mind catering to a picky eater. I just need to know what she actually likes. But every time I ask, I get “I’ll eat whatever you’re having” when that’s clearly not the case.

My mum is a bit like this... She actually will try anything, but it wouldn't be her preference. When she says, "Oh, I'm not fussy!" What she actually means is, "I'm not fussy, as long as the food is pretty much the same stuff I've been eating since the 1970s." She's a meat and two veg girl, and as for seasonings, what are those?

She's recently had a health scare, and has been advised she needs to make a few dietary changes... I mentioned hummus to her, and was met with utter blank confusion. Genuinely never heard of the stuff.

My grandmother was french and a student of cordon bleu so I was brought up eating things like calfs brains, tongue, snails and so on and I just ate them without complaints.
She was a wonderful cook.
My stepfather who my mum met when I was three was Indian so we ate currys and indian food most of the time. All delicious.
The only food I cant really handle is Sri Lankan food. Its so hot all you can taste is your tongue burning in the fires of hell.
And salad cream which is revolting.

I totally get how annoying this is. I have a long term itslian student at my house. Before she arrives she said she wats anything.
turns out she meant anything she eats in Italy so pasta and pizza. No potatoes, no vegetables, no fruit, no nuts, no dried fruit, no spicy foods, no rice, no Asian food, no spicy food………. I’ve given up and it’s pizza and pasta each night for her

Italians are notorious for sticking not just to Italian food, but food from their own region only.

I do not blame you for being irritated, @funinthesun22 - it sounds extremely frustrating!

In the future, might it be easier to ask her if she likes specific things - down to the small details - “MIL - I’m going to make salad with cold ham and pork pie - do you like that? Do you like tomatoes, lettuce, celery, cucumber, radishes? What about mayo or salad cream? And we are having a roast on Sunday - is chicken good for you? What are your favourite veg with a roast?” etc etc etc.

I know it sounds mind numbingly tedious, but it might make things less frustrating in the long run. And you can keep a note of the things she does like, so you know for the next time.

Those hair tests are a scam OP. Please try to get her to stop wasting her money on them.
If she has intolerances she needs to pursue that medically and a food diary can help a lot.

Plainer food is the way to go here OP.
Roast chicken, potatoes/veg rather than tacos etc.

Me and DH are in our 70's and eat lots of chickpeas. Chickpea curries are delicious as are my home made spicy chickpea pasties.

Most of our meals have garlic and onion in. Also love banana and veg curry

This.

You aren't default maidservant and DH should be in charge of catering for his mum.

To that generation "I'll eat anything" only meas she's not veggie/vegan/gluten free/dairy free/kosher or other such. She doesn't mean she will be adventurous about unfamiliar tastes. But it shouldn't be your problem. DH will be familiar with what she eats and he can be in charge of the meal planning. He can also be more direct to his mum, and retort "no you don't" if she claims to eat "anything" which you might be too diplomatic to say.

She’s not from the US is she? The fussiest eaters I have ever encountered were the Americans in the tour party day trip to Guangzhou (mainland China) we went on during a stay in Hong Kong. There were 20 Americans, two British (us) and an Australian couple.

At lunchtime we arrived at a rather plush hotel for lunch. We were led into the dining room and were greeted with the most lavish spread of delicious Cantonese food I have ever seen. The Americans exclaimed in horror and demanded sandwiches as they couldn’t eat this foreign food. So DH and I,and the Australians, gorged ourselves on the delicious spread while the Americans nibbled on sad looking plastic cheese slice sandwiches. Weird.

My in-laws in their 80s were meat and 2 veg types, black pepper was spicy for them! We once made them spice free baked eggs because we knew they ate eggs and tinned tomatoes but hadn't realised red bell pepper and beans (that weren't canned Heinz type baked beans in tomato sauce) would be too much for them to cope with. Rice was for rice pudding only and they may have still thought spaghetti grew on trees 😉
They tended to watch old school tv channels so even if there was a cooking show on, it'd have been from the 70s.
They'd also never been out of the country. I think travel could be the difference between people in their 80s being able to imagine anything different food wise.
They'd say they'd try new things but that meant a slightly different breaded ham 😂
They were lovely people and we all tried hard to feed each other things we could manage but I'm not sure they ever understood my partner trying to be vegetarian 🤯

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g
Oh come on, eating in a restaurant is hardly the same as staying with family! Are you saying you put on a full Premier Inn style breakfast whenever you have guests? 😂 Plus when staying in a hotel most of us will choose to eat something different than what we would usually eat at home.
I’m also assuming the MIL will be the same culture as her son and well aware if they are veggies/vegans etc. I have family members who are veggies and we stay in a hotel when visiting them to avoid mealtime awkwardness.

My dad is 76 and he would say he’s a picky eater but he’s not too bad
he won’t eat peppers or celery or parsley sauce and isn’t keen on lettuce

he will eat stews, cottage pie, loves garlic, steak, fajitas, loves curry and pizza, granola would be fine, weetabix he has every day!

Tacos and chickpeas he would try but I don’t think he’s ever had them
but he would eat most stuff out of politeness, same as me

It would make sense to tell her what you’re having beforehand. And say is that ok?
then you have time to make adjustments.

Gosh, Op, you’ve been incredibly literal minded in your reading of her saying she’s not fussy. Have you never been to her house? Has her son not eaten her food?!

you would probably not love tinned ravioli or salad cream, or corned beef hash, but I doubt you consider yourself picky!

everyone has their own food culture, usually formed by age and finances!

I am confused that OP's DH didn't have a clue how she eats.

OP: are you saying you never ate a meal at her home?

Does she never cater for others?

you would probably not love tinned ravioli or salad cream, or corned beef hash, but I doubt you consider yourself picky!
I like all those things as well as every other food mentioned by OP and anyone else on this thread! Tinned ravioli doesn't imagine itself to be an impressive food but as a quick lunch it absolutely has a place

Can that place be back in the 80s along with tinned spaghetti bolognaise?

Really ? It's 33° down here, no way would be putting tbe oven on.

YABU. We know very well that our parents in law like plain food, like most people of their (grew up during & post-war) generation. She will have meant that she eats everything of that sort, she wouldn’t have imagined you would serve chick peas or a non-standard salad dressing.

Ours like plain British food - meat/fish/potatoes and veg. My dad doesn’t even like pasta, rice or spaghetti although he will eat Chinese which they had in the early 1960s when he moved to London! They can’t eat curry or spicy food, their systems don’t manage it!

by the sound of your menu you sound a very hard work OP. Making the post making her like the hard work though

yup

nope

And salad cream which is revolting.

Wash your mouth out @Gettingbysomehowit's delicious on cheese sandwiches. 😂 It's going on my shopping list for when I'm back in the UK next month.

I like salad cream in a cheese salad sandwich.

OP's MIL was born around 1960 though. As it has been pointed out multiple times on this thread, it is ageist to assume that someone in their 60s wouldn't eat a wide range of foods.
OP also states that her parents, of a similar age, would be happy with her menu, so I don't think it's obvious that MIL wouldn't eat chickpeas or tacos.
My parents would also be happy with that, and they are in their 70s.