Is it unreasonable to be frustrated by a guest who says they eat anything when they actually don’t?

[funinthesun22]

My MIL is staying with us over the bank holiday. When I asked in advance what she’d like to eat, she said she eats anything and was happy to have whatever we usually have.

Friday dinner was a vegetable and chickpea but apparently she hates chickpeas and dried fruit in savoury food. Saturday breakfast (yogurt, granola, fruit) didn’t go down well either. I took her to M&S so she could pick things she’d enjoy, but she kept insisting she was fine and didn’t add anything to the basket until I said we’d planned tacos for dinner she said she didn’t know what that was and didn’t sound keen, so we bought an alternative dinner for her.

At lunch I made a salad with homemade dressing. She didn’t like the sound of the dressing and asked for salad cream which we didn’t have. I offered vinaigrette, olive oil, or mayo as alternatives but she turned them all down and had a plain salad. She also asked for a few additions we didn’t have, despite us having been in M&S two hours earlier offering to buy food. We’ve got a BBQ planned today and I’m hopeful now that I know more of her dislikes but still not entirely sure.

AIBU to find this frustrating? I genuinely don’t mind catering to a picky eater. I just need to know what she actually likes. But every time I ask, I get “I’ll eat whatever you’re having” when that’s clearly not the case.

My pils were like this.

said they ate anything and it turned out they meant any traditional meat and two veg meal

Let her son deal with her.
I

YANBU, I have a relative like this and it's incredibly frustrating. Like you I don't mind catering for different tastes or diets but I can't do that if they don't tell me! I know people will say that it's her problem, let her go hungry then, etc etc but it's not nice as a host when you genuinely want your guests to have a nice time and you feel like you're trying to do it with one hand tied behind your back.

Sometimes i find if people arent used to eating a certain thing or style of food, they may not even really have it on their radar. People tend to assume everyone is the same as them! So that being the case she probably considers herself not to be fussy, within the realm of what shes familiar with/aware of if that makes sense?

Doesnt make it less annoying for you! Keep offering alternatives as you get to know her preferences, you're being a great host :)

Has she not stayed with you before? What is DH doing about her food?

It's because she cannot imagine a taco, basically - she does eat anything in the very limited range of things she encounters 😂

YANBU, this would irritate me no end! I’m wondering if she is like some PIL’s who are just very old school in their tastes. I’d maybe just keep some basic meat/veg meals in. Annoying though, as tacos sound much more appealing 😄

I’d be tempted to present her with something really basic like a cheese sandwich at every meal and say ‘I wasn’t sure if you’d like <our lovely meal> but I know you like a cheese sandwich’

She means English food, none of that foreign muck 😆

Use humour, whip out a notepad and jokingly add to a list of everything she’ll eat EXCEPT…

This would drive me nuts too as I also like to be a good host, and if she’s otherwise a nice person you don’t want to upset her.

Same goes for anyone who says ‘I don’t mind’ in any scenario, I think women of a certain generation were so conditioned to not have their opinions count it’s hard to undo.

I agree with this. If she's a traditional eater, things like chickpeas, tacos etc. might not be on her radar.

Can your DH take a hand here - he must know what sort of things his mother likes eating?

My mother and aunt were out of that mould. “Oh - I don’t mind”. But they did mind really - they’d just been brought up to “be polite”. But it’s not, in actuality. It’s infuriating! There’s a big difference between saying “everyone must cater exclusively for me” and saying (perfectly reasonably), “I’m not keen on anything spicy/on prawns/on chickpeas” or whatever. I would have said it was a generational thing, but my DD has a friend who is like this. I know it’s just shyness/an attempt to be polite, but I do wish she’d just say what she’d like to drink when asked! You have my sympathies….

My gran says this, but the difference is when I say to her I'm making tacos, she says I have no idea what that is but I'll give it a try! Most things she tries she does then love the occasional thing she doesn't but I think that's reasonable. She says coming to visit us is like a holiday!
It seems your MIL had very plain and simple tastes and probably didn't want to put you out, she's not realising that you'd be more than happy to carry for her and it would be less hassle for you than the UK eat anything and then seeing she won't. Can your DH have a chat with her and just be really honest

This sounds frustrating!
I think some older people think they're not fussy as they eat all the foods they think of as 'normal' i.e. toast or cereal for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch and meat and two veg for tea. But aren't that familiar with stuff like tacos, curry etc. so don't even think think to say they don't like them. Again salad cream on salad is very normal for a lot of older people but not so much for young people so it probably didn't even occur to her that you didn't have any.
I know this is not all older people though!

Yes this. It wouldn’t occur to them that you eat ‘modern food’.

anything to them is any meat, any potato and any veg.

my parents would say they aren’t fussy but in reality they don’t eat the kind of ingredients not common in British cooking eg they will eat Italian food, French , Spanish etc as same kinds of foods, eat basic Chinese stir fries but don’t put “out there” ingredients like pulses, anything with chilli, etc in front of them. They don’t consider it weird not to eat these foods. Your mil sounds very similar. When cooking for older people unless you know that they eat more “exotic” foods just stick to European, it doesn’t hurt for a weekend, even if they are trying to be flexible by saying they aren’t fussy. BTW with tacos, we got my mum eating fajitas of spurts by taking her chicken and peppers out of the pan before adding the spices, she then smothered it garlic mayo which she does like (my mum at least will eat dressed salad, couscous etc)

As soon as you mentioned chickpeas I knew your tastes wouldn't be compatible. Boil her a few potatoes, add a piece of chicken from the BBQ , piece of bread , salad of lettuce tomato no dressing . Think 1970s and keep it basic.

My MIL is an extremely picky and limited eater. DH knows what she eats though and he manages the meals when she is here. Does you DH really not know what his mum eats?

Just do sandwiches cake and two veg meals.

My MIL does this because she doesn't want to be a bother, but ends up becoming a bother by not saying what she wants.

See I would always take that to mean that they eat ‘most things’. Very few people actually eat anything. I’m not a picky eater but I have preferences. Chickpeas are not my favourite and I loath dried fruit so I would have struggled to eat that with enjoyment: I would have had a go because I’m polite but I wouldn’t have been excited to see it. Has she never eaten at your house before? How do you not already know some of what she likes? I would also always have several options for breakfast available especially if there was a guest.
She sounds like she’s trying very hard not to be difficult. Cut her some slack and make sure you have a bit more choice available maybe. If you’re married already I’m surprised this has never come up before!

chicken breast, new potatoes and salad, with a new specially bought bottle of salad cream! In winter more of a roast type vibe. she sounds old school and wont try certain things. Stick with meat n veg. If u don’t want to cook different meal for her only, there’s lots of ready meals of that ilk in M&S

I think you need to flip it - what does she feed you when you go there? And then make that, or a variant of it. Older people are set in their ways and eat more traditional foods. I wouldn’t serve tacos to my PiL as I know that wld not go down well. Tagine is renamed casserole (cous cous remained a step too far). You also have to consider whether meals with a knife and fork are preferable, whether old teeth can cope etc. Also she will think she is being polite and not want to seem fussy, you prefer a more direct conversation. Realistically she isn’t going to change so for your sanity there needs to be a compromise on what is cooked.

As she’s your MIL, surely you already know what she likes to eat? She wants English food.
I’d say I eat everything bar beetroot and Brussels sprouts but it wouldn’t occur to me to say I would prefer not to eat a chickpea and dried fruit main (I’d give it a go as I like chickpea salad) but a dish like that wouldn’t be top of my list.

she feels uncomfortable stating her needs and you cannot force her to change

but to me it is clear she would be happy with eg ham, potatoes, salad (and salad cream), traditional British puddings, roast chicken, pasta bolognese, things like that

have you never met any British people her generation before? it is how we cook for our PILS and my dad 😁