Is it unreasonable to be frustrated by a guest who says they eat anything when they actually don’t?

[funinthesun22]

My MIL is staying with us over the bank holiday. When I asked in advance what she’d like to eat, she said she eats anything and was happy to have whatever we usually have.

Friday dinner was a vegetable and chickpea but apparently she hates chickpeas and dried fruit in savoury food. Saturday breakfast (yogurt, granola, fruit) didn’t go down well either. I took her to M&S so she could pick things she’d enjoy, but she kept insisting she was fine and didn’t add anything to the basket until I said we’d planned tacos for dinner she said she didn’t know what that was and didn’t sound keen, so we bought an alternative dinner for her.

At lunch I made a salad with homemade dressing. She didn’t like the sound of the dressing and asked for salad cream which we didn’t have. I offered vinaigrette, olive oil, or mayo as alternatives but she turned them all down and had a plain salad. She also asked for a few additions we didn’t have, despite us having been in M&S two hours earlier offering to buy food. We’ve got a BBQ planned today and I’m hopeful now that I know more of her dislikes but still not entirely sure.

AIBU to find this frustrating? I genuinely don’t mind catering to a picky eater. I just need to know what she actually likes. But every time I ask, I get “I’ll eat whatever you’re having” when that’s clearly not the case.

Could your DH have a conversation with MIL and explain that you want her to have things to eat that she enjoys and that saying you "eat anything" when you dont enjoy certain foods isn't helpful for anyone.

What I found even more annoying is a friend who tells me she can't have chocolate, allergic to sulphur in wine and a couple of other things she doesn't like. Had her over for dinner and made two desserts - one with chocolate and one without - guess which dessert she choose?

So now when I have her for dinner I make two dishes for every course and we have bets on which dish she will eat....every single time she picks the dish she doesn't like - other than the white wine

But people in their 90s now were only in their 40s and 50s then.

it’s frustrating because there were already two meals where you weren’t aligned and then you went M&S so there was an opportunity for her to pick items she would like. Maybe you could have cajoled her a bit more at M&S but on the other hand, she’s an adult. I do think older people don’t want to be a bother and so say everything’s fine.

in terms of asking what she likes to eat, I also say I eat everything but on reflection that’s probably within the bounds of what I consider “normal” or what I normally eat, which is pretty varied, but realistically there are some things I’d prefer not to eat that I wouldn’t think to mention because I’d assume “safe” things are chosen for hosting (eg a main course which had a really really strong cheese as its main flavour or component, a very spicy dish etc). For your MIL, this seems to be things outside of traditional English dishes. Next time perhaps you could say you were thinking about xyz meals and please say if that doesn’t work.

My FiL didn’t think he’d had dinner if it wasn’t meat, veg and potatoes. They once came round for dinner. I cooked spaghetti bolognaise - hardly exotic - but after he’d eaten a full portion and pudding, he turned to MiL and said ‘we’d better get going - we haven’t had dinner yet’.

but its not always easy for someone to say "I can't eat xyz because I'd have to live in your loo" While hair allergy tests generally do not work, if her food problems vary, (mine do, the foods that I have to absolutely avoid changes frequently) it might explain why she is using them)

But by trying not to make a fuss, it’s making more of a fuss! I took her to a supermarket and offered to buy her what she wanted from there, but kept saying she was fine. I had to strong arm her into buying something else for dinner because she clearly wouldn’t like what I’d planned.

My late ILs were like this. They thought themselves really easy going, always happy to go along with the crowd. They really really weren’t!

I am not sure I would have liked the chickpea dish tbh.
It certainly would not be one that I would serve up to a Mil who I wasn’t sure what she would or wouldn’t eat.

If I had MIL coming for breakfast I would do eggs on toast or bacon sandwich, or cereal, toast and marmalade. Any combo.

Lunch could be a cold plate of sausage rolls, sliced meats, scotch egg, pork pie, sandwiches, samosas and salads. A ploughman’s of sorts. Crusty bread.

Dinner I would do poached salmon and new potatoes with peas.
Or if a BBQ, have burgers, sausages, spicy lamb koftas, sweetcorn, salads. Ice cream. Strawberrries.

My mother is exactly like this, she will not state any kind of preference I think because she doesn’t want to be a bother without realising that it is more hard work and stress for me trying to guess what she will and won’t eat. She’s stayed with us often enough now that I know about 5 things she will always eat but if she stays longer than that I’m stumped. She’s stayed has always been a fussy eater but doesn’t recognise it in herself at all.

I’ve lived abroad in a variety of countries but I have never had tacos. I don’t regard them as standard fare at all. They also just look really unappealing. I’m 60.

How old can she be? It's highly unlikely we're talking about someone born in the 1930s or earlier here.

I think you should tell her what the actual dishes are and what's in them as what you're having is clearly outside her frame of reference.

I didn’t say that it was. I cook everything with garlic and onions too and I don’t think that you were wrong to offer foods containing them . I was just agreeing with the poster that dietary intolerances become common though not ubiquitous as we age and that I’ve known many people with adventurous palates who had to be content with blander foods as they aged because garlic, onion, fattier foods, chilli etc made them ill.

It does seem strange to be comfortable stating when you don't like a certain food eg chickpeas,granola,homemade dressing but uncomfortable stating what you do like or prefer.
Agree with regard to the probable likes of this MIL being plain traditionally british food .
I'd ask her what her favourite meals are for a clue as to her preferences.

Agree.The younger generation do like more substantial food as well.
Surely eggs, porridge etc is a popular menu for anyone!
My daughter is 'young' and cannot stand spicey food.
I do think your offering is actually very restrictive for many.
Chickpea and dried fruit would not be on many peoples radar.

So for next time I'd have in
White sliced bread
Traditional marmalade
Cornflakes
Naice ham
Cheddar
Salad cream
Sausages
Fruit or madeira cake
Biscuits
I'd also have a couple of ready home made cottage pies or similar in the freezer to offer instead of tagine or curry.

No, I'm not being ageist, just practical.
Agree with PP, your DH should be more on this.

MiL is similar in food tastes. Except wouldn't want the salad cream and would be happy to eat plain salad.
DH also has similar food tastes.

In this situation DH would know what to get for his mum and would get stuff in accordingly. Or at least write a list for me if I was shopping.

Wry laugh here! My DM was a fussy eater - didn’t like eggs, especially if they were ‘eggy’ eggs, didn’t like tomatoes, didn’t like chicken (‘because it’s a bird’) - so I’d make something I thought she’d like, only to have her picking e.g. every last bit of green pepper out of it.

‘Oh, don’t you like green peppers?’

‘I’m not over keen.’

That expression eventually turned into a family joke!

Adult dds once asked her why she didn’t like tomatoes.
‘I don’t know, really - I’ve never actually tried one.’
😂😩😂

I don’t need to know the details why (unless it’s an allergy and cross contamination is an issue) but I do need to know. Especially for food which are the basis of so many foods like garlic and onion. Even a lot of traditionally British pies, stews and stocks etc have onion in them.

It's not that your unreasonable as such but I don't think not wanting a dressing on salad is her being unreasonable, I loath things like honey and mustard dressings and when I eat out I always ask for the dressing on the side.

There is nothing wrong with the food your eating but it feels a bit limited in options. Chickpeas for example are something people either love or hate and if that's the only thing for dinner then it's a bit awkward.

And if I was doing tacos for my parents I would do lots of options including rice instead of the taco itself so it fitted in with my plans. I wouldn't just make up a taco kit and expect them to love it.

I was brought cup in the 60's and 70's and had to try everything put in front of me. I don't like swede, scrambled egg and raw coconut or tea drink.

Id just eat the food and not say a word - including swede and scrambled egg. It's not the last meal Im ever going to eat and if someone has cooked for me I wouldn't want to be rude or hurt their feelings. I recently stayed with host and she made me scrambled eggs - I just eat them and didn't say a word. If I stayed again id just ask if I could have omelette before she made the scrambled and say its my preference.

Ive been served tea abroad- just drank it down and then they flipping well refilled it.. so I drank much slower and we then left

I can't see the big deal

I don't think there's anything ageist about saying that older people might not have experienced a wide range of internationally influenced foods. I'm not yet 50, but growing up nowhere near a city and working class, I didn't even have pizza until I went to uni.

My parents were in their 90s when they passed away. They loved pasta and rice dishes and cooked a wide variety of food not just meat and two veg. They and my MIL would have tried anything offered.

I'm mid 60s, I really don't think tacos were on most peoples radars as a regular dinner item until relatively recently. I'm quite a foodie, it's not really something I cook and it's definitely not something my age group grew up eating.

I'm not ageist as I said that my parents would have given it a try

I’m a fifty something and tbh I wouldn’t eat any of the things offered so far. You don’t have eggs in? Or salad cream? Chickpeas sound yuk and granola is vile. Tacos sound spicy and I absolutely hate garlic. I’m not having a go but nothing so far would appeal to me sorry. I hate spicy food too. I manage to find different stuff every day to eat without any of the “weird” stuff. I think she is probably embarrassed to ask as she feels you might judge her on her lack of interest is stuff that you see as normal. Honestly I’m not knocking you but if most of your food starts with garlic and onions I’d be ordering a pizza! You should be ok with bbq as long as it’s not all spicy kebabs and the like.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

my dd2 doesn't generally eat cake as cakes she says taste eggy - I din't realise it was a thing