To resent my daughter?

[BeckyBloom]

My elder daughter who is 30 got married a couple of years ago and at the hen she completely embarrassed me. I could have bitten back but I didn’t want to spoil the mood as everyone was lovely and other than that we had a great time. It was a question about have you ever heard your parents having sex in one of the games. She said yes when she was 8, on a certain night and asked why I was doing it when I was in middle of a divorce. It wasn’t the middle, it was at the start of the text book bad behaviour, staying out etc. She then said she had found a dildo in my safe when she was 8 as she knew the password. This was said infront of her group of lovely friends, a couple of my friends and two family members.

It’s 2 years ago and I still can’t get over it as I would never embarrass someone like that. I’ve asked her for an apology and she just laughs and says it was banter and not embarrassing.

It’s really starting to affect how I feel about her as she obviously has no respect for me. Am I being precious and over the top?

You had sex loud enough for your child to hear and somehow also let her know your password. Those are your failures as a parent and she doesn’t have to keep them to herself. I imagine these things bothered her and that she has some issues with you around them. She was a child when you allowed them to happen but those feelings can still bother you as an adult. You should have been more responsible and not let her hear and see things that a child shouldn’t.

No it’s not. My mum and grandmother have different attitudes to me on a lot of things.

But I understand the concept that embarrassment is painful and if someone feels embarrassed by something, it doesn’t matter how embarrassing I or anyone else thinks it is. The only measure of how embarrassed someone finds something is how they feel about it.

Her mother was embarrassed and told her that. She should have a modicum of concern for how her mum feels.

100 per cent agree - they shouldn't be invited, mine did not come to mine or my sisters. We had a separate dinner and afternoon tea with them, much more appropriate

OP this is MN, posters will find any excuse to blame you. Obviously parents never intend for their children to hear them having sex and you’ve clearly tried to make sure that your DD didn’t accidentally find anything she shouldn’t have. I’m disagreeing with other posters in that you should apologise. Things like this happen and if there was any resentment on her part, as some posters are suggesting, then the time to bring it up and discuss her feelings was in private, not at her hen party in front of everyone.

No you’re not being unreasonable.
She really embarrassed you because possibly she was drunk or being influenced by her friends.
However. I’d let it go after all this time.

Agree. The fact that DD’s attitude is more casual than OP’s isn’t the point. What she said caused offence and the refusal to own it, admit that it was out of order and apologise for any embarrassment indicates a lack of respect for the feelings of others. It’s quite concerning that some are condoning that.

Classist and hysterical.

You sound incredibly sheltered.

I’m cringing for you, what a sad outlook.

Aren't you more concerned that as an 8-year-old your daughter heard you having sex and it clearly affected her if she remembers this all these years later?

The sex stuff is one thing – standard hen do stuff, people have sex, big wow. The dildo thing I can completely see why it impacted you so much. I would have been fuming and she absolutely should have known to stop talking at that point.

However, since we're in reality and can't go backwards, there's really only the choice to move on. You don't want a bad relationship with your daughter and you don't want this creeping around your mind forever. Time to make the active choice to stop allowing it to fester. You can't stop it popping in your mind, but you do have a choice on what you do with the thought when it does pop in. The more you actively break the loop, the less frequently it will haunt you.

I don’t think it can have affected her that badly if she’s prepared to bring it up at a party game and then laugh it off when OP tells her how embarrassing she found that, and the subsequent unnecessary details DD indulged in. She dismissed OP’s concerns and said it was just ‘banter’ so why are you trying to make it into something it clearly is not. Obviously no parent intends for their children to hear them having sex, but it happens. It’s no more of a concern now for OP, than it is for her DD.

I disagree with the posters saying up are OTT.
I would be mortified if my DD did that to me as she would if i did that to her.
People are different and you are entitled to your feelings.
Did you ever express that you were embarrassed about what happened at the Hen do to anyone?

What utter tosh. I've been to the hen do of an aristocrat (a duke's niece, though I won't give further identifying details), and her and her socialite friends played games like this.

probably everyone having too much to drink as hen dos usually involve that. Its been a long time or else you will spoilt everything in the future

This is what struck me about this post. It’s an admission of snooping where they shouldn’t be. Finding something they don’t like is on them if they’re going through someone’s private things.

Doesn’t matter who was involved, the fact is DD was rude and disrespectful and completely dismissive of OP’s feelings. OK, yes it was just a party game, but the level of detail including the finding of the dildo was completely uncalled for.

Two years and you haven’t got over it ? And you resent your daughter! I think it is over the top reaction and sad .

It’s not even the topic of sex, it’s the pointed way she purposely embarrassed me. She wasn’t that drunk, it was a lovely few days away and the behaviour of everyone was fine. It wasn’t a typical hen…. I just saw something different in her that night that I can’t forget I’m not going to drip feed. Thank you for all your comments I appreciate them

I remember hearing my parents having sex. I was around 7 or 8 and obviously didn’t realise what it was at the time, but as I got older the realisation dawned, and guess what - I’m not the least bit ‘affected’ because I’m an adult and I realise that everyone has sex. Even parents.

If you read my previous comment you would see that I agreed with that – do not agree with the additional classist comment though.

This is the crux of it for me.

Of course everyone knows married couples have sex. But to question you as to why then, in the middle of your divorce- which she was wrong about anyway - that's veering in to very personal territory.

And then the comment about finding a dildo in your safe - completely unnecessary.

Of course she should have apologised.
Even if she didn't think it was that bad, she should have realised how much it upset you, and apologised for that.

I'm sure you could have spilled many of her embarrassing secrets but you chose not to, because who wants to embarrass or humiliate someone they love in front of a large group of friends and family?! 🤔

Well your daughter has obviously held into this and was determined to let you know in the most embarrassing way. If you have a good relationship with her I am puzzled that she didn't apologise when she found out how you felt. The conclusion is that she doesn't care. As you say, now you know.

Woodfires…. EXACTLY

OP that’s concerning - it does sound as though she’s harbouring some sort of resentment of her own if that’s the case. I noticed you mentioned upthread that you are now thinking twice about what you disclose to your DD. Does she have a history of embarrassing you like this, or gossiping about the things you tell her ?

Do you think there is anything to be gained by having a conversation now, given that this incident was so long ago ? Maybe just try to put it behind you, and for the future, now you know where you stand in terms of how much respect she has for your feelings. So perhaps you should adopt the same attitude and challenge any similar behaviour towards you immediately, and regardless of who is present.

You are clearly in awe of the aristocrat🙄. Cringe.
Nothing IMO to prevent them from being low class in their behaviour.

Your daughter was 8, just 8. and this has stayed with her for 20 years.