To resent my daughter?

[BeckyBloom]

My elder daughter who is 30 got married a couple of years ago and at the hen she completely embarrassed me. I could have bitten back but I didn’t want to spoil the mood as everyone was lovely and other than that we had a great time. It was a question about have you ever heard your parents having sex in one of the games. She said yes when she was 8, on a certain night and asked why I was doing it when I was in middle of a divorce. It wasn’t the middle, it was at the start of the text book bad behaviour, staying out etc. She then said she had found a dildo in my safe when she was 8 as she knew the password. This was said infront of her group of lovely friends, a couple of my friends and two family members.

It’s 2 years ago and I still can’t get over it as I would never embarrass someone like that. I’ve asked her for an apology and she just laughs and says it was banter and not embarrassing.

It’s really starting to affect how I feel about her as she obviously has no respect for me. Am I being precious and over the top?

She thought you were a safe target because you're her mum. It has backfired on her.

Did she make any pointed comments about anyone else?

Yep. And current events in the news only compound that.

YANBU to have found that to be terrible behaviour on her part.

But you told her how you felt so now she knows.

She should have apologised, but you can't force or demand apologies - just tell people how they made you feel or what the impact was.

It sounds as if she was showing off in some way.

I wonder if her (defensive) response was to try and reassure you that her friends would just laugh it off and not think anything of it (which is probably true)

Is she generally respectful, kind and a good dd?

Did she set up these (stupid) hen do Qs and organise the hen?

I wish all this Hen Do stuff would stop - trying to be 'outrageous' and sexual , aping (even worse ) stag dos.

It wasn't good - you told her how you felt, hopefully she has not done anything similar since - in which case move on.

Maybe reflect - did her mentioning the divorce twang something sensitive in you? How do you feel about that now? Not what she said but the divorce and run up?

I would have laughed along with it and said well there's lots more you don't know and I'm not telling. I think you need to loosen up a bit, it wouldn't have been said in malice. Like someone already said, no one will remember it and nobody will care anyway x

She is very outgoing but I didn’t and don’t expect to be the butt of someone’s jokes. No I wouldn’t trust her not to share stuff… and definitely not now.

I’d have more than likely told her she was a twat and then moved on. If she didn’t like it, I’d have laughed and told her it was only “banter”.

Nothing sheltered about my well travelled life.

I will admit though that I thankfully don't come across people who like to humiliate their family in public.

The OP's daughter embarrassed herself, and she embarrassed her mother.

Nothing sheltered in that not being the norm in my wide circle.

Save your cringes and reflections for yourself, that you are so familiar with such unkind behaviour towards family.

The OP's daughter was a bratty precocious child and hasn't matured clearly.

I would have felt exactly as you do, OP, for what it's worth. I'm astonished that so many people would feel OK with this.

The divorce was another story typical abusive DH from Mumsnet but that’s history and absolutely ancient history!

I think it was embarrassing, yes. But it was a hen do and the question was asked.

I think it would be awful to raise it with your dd now and spoil her happy memory of the occasion. Sometimes you have to just suck things up and let it go.

Most people will have forgotten entirely.

I do think it shows how it’s often not a good idea to invite the bride’s Mum, MIL etc to the hen night, or if they are invited, to keep it more sedate. Really it was the asking of the question that was embarrassing.

Just politely decline!
or have a separate family friendly ‘hen’

it’s not fair to have it both ways, they are known for a being a bit outrageous and sharing these sorts of stories. You can’t go and then moan about it imo.

op you need to let it go, it was said in a particular context although she should have acknowledged your discomfort

I wish I’d just walked out and went to bed instead of braving it out

Gosh how helpful to point out what OP should have done all those years ago. If only she had a time machine as well as a level of clairvoyance allowing her to know that she had been heard by DD. I doubt OP knew her DD had the password to the safe if that’s where she kept a dildo. People have sex - even parents. No one intends for their children to hear it, but it does happen. If DD had any issues around any of this then there was ample opportunity to bring it up and discuss it like the adult she’s supposed to be. And it doesn’t seem as though there are any issues for DD if she can laugh of her mum’s embarrassment and claim it was just ‘banter’.

Following your update OP, the fact that your cheating ex wouldn't leave so you had to, I'm guessing that your daughter blames you for breaking up the home. Your ex might have fed her this line too (maybe still is). Have you ever told her, unrelated to the hen do stuff, that he put you through years of hell and effectively forced you out of your home?

People - women - talk about sex on a hen do. If you aren’t comfortable joking about sex with your daughter you shouldn’t have gone. I can have a ribald sense of humour, but not in front of my kids, so I’m not going on a hen do with them.

This. Well said.

Congratulations on being well traveled 🤣

Being “well traveled” and having a social circle that doesn’t talk about sex doesn’t give you the right to be classist. What an embarrassment and ugly trait.

It’s your own fault for having sex and having a sex toy once you became a parent, OP. Everyone knows mothers shouldn't do that kind of thing

What’s that phrase…………what happens at the hen stays at the hen………just put it behind you OP, she was referring to stuff that happened years earlier and it is of little importance now surely?!

please try to forget about it. It was crass (and rude to share a story about you) but hen do’s get lairy, and I doubt anyone but you remembers or cares. You are a mum so everyone already knew you weren’t a virgin, and the sex toy thing is minor. Don’t let it fester away and ruin an otherwise good relationship with your girl. I’m sorry she upset you - she was in the wrong but I don’t think it should be hanging over you both forever. She got carried away. This is why I don’t think most mums belong at hen do’s - she treated you like a pal and that’s not something you feel comfortable with - lesson learned, don’t engage in that type of raucous party with her again.

I suspect your daughter has a lot of unspoken resentment about her past. If this was out of character, I think it all came out in the form of this cathartic blurt. I wonder if it’s worth having a general chat about her experience of her childhood, unrelated to the hen night. She may surprise you by her version.

There’s a difference between being comfortable joking about sex with your DD and being deliberately made the butt of the ‘joke’. It’s gobsmacking that so many posters are so dismissive of this level of disrespect. Presumably it was DD who invited her mum to the hen do, so she clearly knew what she was doing.

🤣

Or maybe just cringe you've been called out so much on your embarrassing comment.

No view of the aristocrat whatsoever – I don't even see her anymore. But build whatever narrative makes you feel better, I guess.

"Cheap laugh" describes it perfectly.....at her mother's expense.

I am not someone who feels childcare is an obligation grandparents need to provide generally.

However, this is one of those situations that I would recommend real caution should it ever arise.

Such casual rudeness is often partnered with entitlement.