To not make my 4yo wear clothes at home?

[Schnapps00]

4.5yo has always been a bit 'sensory', but for some reason it's really ramped up in the last couple of months and it's got to the point where we can't get her dressed in the morning if it's the weekend/for an outing. Currently travels naked in the car to preschool, wrap her in a towel and her teachers get her dressed inside the door (just T-shirt/shorts) 🙈 She seems to manage fine with them on all day, then will generally keep them on in the evening after nursery (we recently had the same T-shirt on 3 days straight 😬)

It's prolonged screaming/meltdown if we try at home, I've tried many times to just whip on a pair of shorts and pick her up/walk off, but it's thrashing/screaming/kicking/biting/scratching and pulling them down as soon as she's able to, lots of lots of dysregulation, up to 1.5hr bouts for other reasons (if she gets the clothes off she's generally ok again quickly) - general limits or things not going her way will also set her off.

Extends to other areas too, just started refusing nighttime pullup as well (luckily she seems to be mostly night training herself in the process there..!)

I'm not sure if we're setting her up for failure by 'letting' her go naked at home? It's got to the point where she sometimes wants to go out, but just can't deal with any clothes on, which is the part that concerns me/makes me sad.
Possibly related to impending school start, her big sis already goes to it, so she's very aware of change soon.. Extra needs or just exerting control where she can?

It's getting exhausting and I'm wondering where all this ends up..Had an initial chat with HV but no magic wands waved.

Thanks so much for any thoughts!!

I’ve done a lot of things throughout the years - my daughter is 13 now. It’s probably worth you looking up common traits for autistic girls. It often presents quite differently than what you are mentioning about stimming etc. My daughter has situational mutism and is autistic but gets very, very quiet when she’s anxious about something and is a massive people pleaser. Then she has huge, huge meltdowns either when she gets home (safe space) or when something pushes her way too far. Lots of feelings about lights and noise and fabrics and textures of food, not the stereotypical autistic presentation from books and movies.

I don’t see the problem. You’ve said yourself it’s an anonymous forum……and OP seems to be getting some really sound advice.
what are the risks from this post? What are you worried about?

OP what are the consequences of her kicking, screaming and thrashing about in a car park - to the point you are in tears? It seems you've tried a very kindly understanding approach - maybe its time for a more old fashioned approach where she actually experiences some consequences to her behaviour. If there are no consequences you are teaching her that she will get her way - she just needs to keep kicking off until you cave in.

This.

This has already been much more helpful than anywhere else, like you say ❤️ Having been told it's a 9m+ wait for a paediatric referral, I'm not holding out much hope from 'the system'..luckily we have some funds to throw at it if need be.

Well, the consequences are that's she's taken into nursery when she's dysregulated? I'm not really sure what you're suggesting, that I beat the dysregulation out of her or something..? The consequences of the meltdown in the carpark on the outing was that we went home again as she couldn't put/keep any clothes on, she was really sad about it as she'd wanted to go. Are you suggesting further punishment once at home? That doesn't seem in any universe to me like it would help her get dressed. Have your children had these specific kinds of issues out of interest?

Thank you for this. Will have a look. Was aware of differences with girls but for some reason didn't want to jump to a label, I guess a bit of stigma or just thinking it's a temporary patch. It's slowly sinking in that it's quite an extreme situation though, we're lucky to have various factors that 'soften the impact' so we've managed, just about..but seeing the impact on her and what she wants to do is making me sad 😢

It does sound like it could be the transitions. It's worth trying putting fresh pants and t shirt on her at bed time and she just keeps the same ones on next day. She could even change them during the day if she feels up to it.

How on earth do teachers have time for this? This is not sustainable. Other children will start to laugh. You need to sort this out before she much older.

This is a good idea.

Does she wear PJ's? If so letting her keep those on would be better than her being naked.

Great post!

I think a firm kick up the arse is just what the OP needs.

Well done you. Problem solved.

I had considered this, only issue is bedtime isn't any more favourable - we'd had a week or so of destroyed nights trying to force/keep a pullup on her, before giving up and accepting the wet bed.. then a few nights later it turned out she'd started night training herself, thank god! Lack of sleep was compounding it all 🙈

Nope, naked at night unhelpfully too 🙈

If your daughter will dress when she gets to nursery, can't you go in and dress her, rather than handing her over for the staff to do it? Still not ideal, but you taking her in a dressing gown or pyjamas, then calmly taking her into the toilet to get dressed would be an improvement.

She has very understanding preschool teachers with specific Send training (maybe you didn't get the preschool reference, most people aren't used to hearing them called teachers perhaps but I make a point of it) who currently accommodate her in the morning (by all accounts it doesn't take long). I'm aware this isn't sustainable for a school classroom with 30 kids..Luckily the other children aren't laughing at her, funnily enough!

They actually prefer to do it as it's better having that separation with drop off, if I go in and get into a battle in the room I think it would start blurring the lines about who's in charge (and be more disruptive to the other kids)..I agree with them and not just because it allows me to actually start work on time..!

I was about to write a stroppy reply..then realised 😂 A few others do seem to be suggesting a kick up the arse for DD apparently, maybe I should try that.. 🙄

How is taking a child into pre school naked wrapped in a towel not an absolutely giant safeguarding issue? You either need to homeschool or figure this out by the time she starts reception because that is not appropriate at all

Sorry to ask but how did you even get to the point where you think your only option is to take your child naked into a childcare setting and let her teachers dress her? You need to get some kind of sen intervention and let her school know that they will dressing a 4.5 year old every morning from naked to school uniform so she can be shielded from her peers

What happens if you make the house colder? We live in the Highlands and whilst the children love to be naked by a roaring fire they also like to cover up for colder rooms!
I have multiple children with various extra needs so truly understand they can have strong…preferences…but if you aren’t careful they can very quickly snowball as I think you are finding.

Consequences can be useful - ie, simply, she doesn’t get to go to preschool if she is not dressed. (simple clothes at first). And mean it. I’m presuming she likes going. Or just repeating the same thing again and again and again - if it takes 36 times of you replacing socks so be it. Tomorrow it may be 35. It’s not long until school, now’s the perfect time to change your response.

A giant safeguarding issue how exactly? From the nursery teachers (who helped her during potty training) seeing her naked..? They're not dressing her in front of the other children. Yes of course it's not normal, but I don't see how it's a safeguarding issue (and apparently her teachers don't either). It started after several days of me battling her at the car with her thrashing/kicking/hitting, one of her teachers came out to help and bundled her in the towel we happened to have to get her inside. Obviously not ideal but at least at means she's able to attend!

Ha, if only! Heating hasn't been on for ages, she'll practically be turning blue and will refuse to admit any coldness..there's an iron will there 🙈 She does enjoy preschool, but 100% she would choose no clothes over going at the moment. She's 'choosing' no clothes over any outing as it stands, even something she desperately wants to do 😢 I tried persistence with a nighttime pullup, but after a week of screaming & prolonged meltdowns, we just didn't seem to be getting anywhere & frankly it felt like child abuse (and was repeatedly waking up DD1). Can't help feeling like on some level she 'won', but also felt like I was sending her into massive distress on a daily basis, to no end.

Obviously I/we are hoping for a better solution before school, I'm not naive enough to think that's a workable solution with 30 kids. We got there via a lot of dysregulation, morning meltdowns, battles in/beside the car and her teachers starting to come out to help and eventually one of them bundling her into a towel we had in the car just to get her inside. That seems to have stuck at the moment as the calmest way to get her in. If you know about a magic way to get sen support do let me know, HV has so far advised 9m+ wait for a paediatric referral?? Of course we'll be talking to the school as well.

I’m sorry if this is super obvious or someone else has already suggested it, have you removed all the labels from the clothes?

Your little girl may not be able to articulate exactly what is bothering her about the clothes. I have known babies to scream for apparently “no reason” , then be fine when after the tags inside the clothes are cut out.

Have you tried making the clothes warm? Eg on a radiator or wrapped around a hot water bottle. Even in warm weather, it's so nice putting warm clothes on. This has worked on my kids before when reluctant to get dressed