to feel like I cannot become a substitute daughter for my elderly uncle?

[Blaainey]

My uncle has been on his own since my aunt died 8 years ago. He has cancer and I know life is very difficult for him emotionally, more than anything. He does manage day to day, but he is clearly lonely. He has two adult sons but they both live quite far away and don’t seem very involved.

One of the sons bought him a mobile phone and now I seem to have become permanent tech support, emotional support and daily company all rolled into one. From morning into late evening I get a constant stream of messages asking how features work, whether messages are spam, screenshots of random things, articles, photos and general chat. He is also always asking how I am and being very kind, so I feel awful even writing this.

What makes it harder is that he has said a few times that he always wanted a daughter. I know he means it affectionately, but I sometimes feel like I am slowly being pulled into that role emotionally. I do care about him very much, but I also have my own family, responsibilities and pressures.

He also lives hundreds of miles away, so it is not even as though I can pop in and see him regularly. The relationship exists almost entirely through constant messaging and calls throughout the day.

The truth is that other family members seem to keep their distance because he is very needy emotionally and can become upset if people do not respond quickly enough. One time he actually called my mum because I had not replied quickly to a completely non-urgent message.

I do try to encourage him to contact his sons more, but he says they are busy. I have even found local groups and befriending schemes for him but he is not interested in any of them. I texted his sons saying their dad really needs more contact and support, but neither replied.

The problem is that I feel emotionally worn down by the constant messages every single day. I have tried gently creating boundaries a few times and he backs off briefly, but within days it starts all over again.

I feel terribly guilty because he is elderly, widowed and ill, but at the same time I don’t think I can realistically fill the role of daughter, companion and support system indefinitely

I agree with this. I think it’s quite apparent the other relatives have figured him out and put their boundaries in place. OP needs to learn to do the same. That doesn’t have to be blocking him and ignoring him completely but there is a middle ground.

This man is not so elderly he can't attend groups or socialise or start new efforts at life

My dad is 82 and has a more active life than I do

Your uncle has clearly not good a good relationship with either his sons or sister and I have to assume there are reasons for that.

You need to set boundaries than be absolutely ruthless. Agree to two chsts a week and then tell yourself over and over again that any more is enabling him to avoid being independent.

Btw I think your mum is letting you down here not stepping in to at least help you navigate the relationship with him

I have given up asking my mum and my uncles sons to do anything,

My mum is fine. She avoids his calls and only answers them rarely. She is free to ignore him and his calls as are the two sons.

I need to change what I do as I am finding it hard to cope.

If you work, could you tell him that your employers have said you are no longer allowed to keep your phone on during working hours, then mute his messages except for an hour each evening? Or tell him your phone is playing up and you don't always get messages or calls promptly, then mute him until convenient.

You don't know they are shit. I know my mum says this about me to people when in fact I couldn't do more.

There's not much benefit in picking over who is doing things right or wrong, or what the motivations are. People tend on average to be less devious than we imagine but no matter the thoughts underlying, it comes down to our actions and things that are in our power to change. Just take it at surface level, he is heaping too much demand on you like he probably heaped too much on your cousins and your mum in the past.

I think PP suggestion of two conversations a week sound good, but it is up to you OP to pick what feels right to you. Then you need to be very specific that you are going to ring him on Tuesdays and Saturdays (or whatever) and not responding in between. Tell him you have a big new work project and you're struggling to juggle everything so this is the new system, and stick to it. Any questions he sends you reply you'll talk to him on Tues, and stick with it, don't expect instant success. But the messages will diminish once you have convinced him - by not responding - that you are no longer responding outwith those "appointments".

It would be good if he had an emergency call button with answering service, but getting people to accept them can be hard.

Maybe you've ended up with this burden being so heavy because you are female, but I don't think it achieves anything to ruminate on that. He's worked his way down the list and you are currently the closest person to him who is not saying no. And the amount he is demanding is utter ridiculous - hold onto that fact. YANBU.

ETA of course 2 calls a week would still be a substantial commitment and might be way too much to ask of you, but that is your call to make.

I do feel for this gentleman as clearly he’s very lonely.
But you as a singular person are not the solution to that.
I have found it falls on women a lot to be in these types of roles and it’s not fair.
And while being in your 70’s may seem
old, it really isn’t.
He clearly isn’t thinking of you at all with all this contact, only himself.
He is not thinking at all of the toll on you.
What would he do, for example, if you had to go into hospital for an op and needed recovery time, and your phone was off?
I don’t have any answers I am afraid.
But I do think you need to to be a bit tougher in terms of being at his beck and call.

I'm sorry but YOU are in the wrong.

Your mum doesn't like him. His sons don't want to get involved. And you find it all too much.

There will be a reason. Why are you shaming them when you can't cope with him? Why do you assume they should?

The problem is he is asking too much and hasn't made provision himself. He has unreasonable expectations and is a emotional drain. They may well know if they give an inch he takes a mile.

You are judging without knowing the full story. It is completely up to them. If they feel they can't cope either, thats ok for them to say no.

You need to stop it with the flying monkey routine. It's emotional blackmail and it's not ok. If you don't want to do it, that's ok but don't shit on anyone else for the same thing for whatever reason no matter how closely they are related. You usually find it's a reap what you sow scenario.

I have already said this:

It is on me to change things not to focus on others.

So thanks for telling me I am in the wrong. Thank you for your kindness.

You have actively said they are not doing enough and hassled them over it!

That's your judgement not mine!

I feel for OP here. She just wants a bit of support.

And I also said this:

It is on me to change things not to focus on others.

👏👏👏

You seem to be mostly frustrated that your mum and cousins aren't doing what you think they should be doing. You need to get over that and manage your own relationship with him. If you want to talk to him less, talk to him less. It's not up to you to decide anyone else needs to talk to him more.

He is elderly, sick and a kind man. It sounds like he is lonely. Replying to messages is not difficult. This is annoying for you but lets face it, he probably won't be around much longer. Just reply to his messages occasionally and keep him happy. Sometimes we have to do things we dont want to because it is the right thing to do.

Try reading the thread. I said:

It is on me to change things not to focus on others.

Replying to messages is not difficult.

It isn't when there is one or two but when there is a barrage then it is much more difficult.

You have to make your choice - you have a choice to step away and put in place boundaries, like everyone else has done

I agree with this.

But I also know from experience that when everyone else has already got in there and set their boundaries first it makes it really hard.

The sons could set boundaries knowing you and your mum were there. Your mum could do it knowing you were there. Now you're the last one and when you set your boundaries there's no-one else to step up so you feel like all the guilt of everyone walking away lands with you.

It's really hard op. I understand.

You do need to stop replying unfortunately if you can't tell him to just stop.

Why not just tell him the truth?

What would be the top 3 things you want to scream at him?

I have told him I find the messages and calls overwhelming.

I don't want to scream anything at him.

I need to show hm by my actions rather than what I say.

I will try being more assertive. He is so needy and I have the least time. My mum has lots of time. The two sons are single without families.

Have a read of the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. Basically: you cannot change other people, you can only change YOUR behaviour.

I agree with others that your uncle has been socialised to believe that women (and their time) are less important than men and that simultaneously they are more responsible for caring for men. This is, of course, bollocks. I would politely observe this to your uncle:

"Uncle Jack, I need to share with you that I am very overwhelmed by the amount you are trying to demand from me at the moment. If you need help with your phone or want a chat then you need to ring Cousin A or Cousin B. They are both single with no children, they are far, far less busy than me. I am able to ring you twice a week at X time and Y time. If you want more contact with people socially then you need to engage with such and such befriending club as I have suggested before."

Ring him as promised and have a sign of that you can cut him off with, interrupt him or talk over him as necessary: "It's been lovely to chat with you Uncle Jack but as I said I now need to go and do ABC. I will ring you on Monday at 7pm. Bye now!" And then hang up. You can't wait for him to change his behaviour (because he won't). You can only change yours. Hopefully once he's got the hang of your new rules he will then calm down with the rest of it, as you demonstrate that he can rely on the twice-weekly phonecalls but that you won't do anything else.

There are plenty of things going on that are suitable for elderly people who live alone, depending on how fit he is he could join Borrow My Doggy, attend a church, go to a book club (ours has more than one member in their eighties), join the library (ours does conversational French classes etc.), go to cooking classes, hire a local student to come round twice a week to help with shopping or just have a chat. You could tell him that you are happy to set up these things but you yourself can only commit to twice a week on the phone because you are very busy, much more busy than his own (male!) children...

There's no shame. The Uncle has been directed to groups and support systems, he is choosing not to engage with them. The contact he us getting from everyone, adds up to enough. He wants a substitute for his wife, no-one can provide that. You can't ignore your children and spouse to be phone support, 24/7 for another person, who lives miles away. Gone are the days when there'd be a spinster in the family who is grateful for board and lodgings, in return for company. It's up to all of us to build a life, even if it's a routine of TV.

That is interesting.

You won't tell him to stop, you don't want to scream anything at him, and you just want to show him from hundreds of miles away.

What action options do you think you have?

By the way a twice a twice a week call that you are then locked in to is not the answer.

"Sometimes we have to do things we dont want to because it is the right thing to do"
That applies to all ages, like joining groups and getting carers/cleaners in, sometimes moving into more appropriate accommodation.