to feel like I cannot become a substitute daughter for my elderly uncle?

[Blaainey]

My uncle has been on his own since my aunt died 8 years ago. He has cancer and I know life is very difficult for him emotionally, more than anything. He does manage day to day, but he is clearly lonely. He has two adult sons but they both live quite far away and don’t seem very involved.

One of the sons bought him a mobile phone and now I seem to have become permanent tech support, emotional support and daily company all rolled into one. From morning into late evening I get a constant stream of messages asking how features work, whether messages are spam, screenshots of random things, articles, photos and general chat. He is also always asking how I am and being very kind, so I feel awful even writing this.

What makes it harder is that he has said a few times that he always wanted a daughter. I know he means it affectionately, but I sometimes feel like I am slowly being pulled into that role emotionally. I do care about him very much, but I also have my own family, responsibilities and pressures.

He also lives hundreds of miles away, so it is not even as though I can pop in and see him regularly. The relationship exists almost entirely through constant messaging and calls throughout the day.

The truth is that other family members seem to keep their distance because he is very needy emotionally and can become upset if people do not respond quickly enough. One time he actually called my mum because I had not replied quickly to a completely non-urgent message.

I do try to encourage him to contact his sons more, but he says they are busy. I have even found local groups and befriending schemes for him but he is not interested in any of them. I texted his sons saying their dad really needs more contact and support, but neither replied.

The problem is that I feel emotionally worn down by the constant messages every single day. I have tried gently creating boundaries a few times and he backs off briefly, but within days it starts all over again.

I feel terribly guilty because he is elderly, widowed and ill, but at the same time I don’t think I can realistically fill the role of daughter, companion and support system indefinitely

Cross post with Poppingby. Interesting that they have also identified that you are being employed as a flying monkey.

It's not cool. Don't do it.

In my area there is a local Facebook which advertises local events, lost pets, needs for tradespeople, lifts, things people need help with, is there something similar where yoir relative lives ?

His local library or church would have a list of local groups he could join.

He could join sime classes related to tech
& how not to be scammed

Also google Chat apps locally & globally

He sounds very lonely

He could pay to have a local helper once a week, but they would need to be vetted by an agency. A cleaner or gardener, who can also help with tech queries

This is really good advice.

You are not responsible for filling the gaps left by his absent sons and sister.
The fact that they are all a little bit shit does not mean you have to take on their responsibilities yourself
Unfortunately you are going to have to toughen up and be less available

Set a boundary of a time each day that you will respond to him, as you are snowed under with work and family responsibilities. Then try to stick to that small window each day. Don’t respond after the first few days. For the first two or three days send “catch up later as promised”. Nothing else.

OP you keep focusing on what everyone else is or isn’t doing - that’s not the issue here.

His sons being single or having more time doesn’t matter, they have made their choice about how much they want to engage with him.

Your uncle knows there are other service available to him, yet he chooses not to engage with them.

You have to make your choice - you have a choice to step away and put in place boundaries, like everyone else has done.

There’s no point in resenting them for doing what you’re unable to do.

Someone on here said some very wise words; if you have to choose between guilt and resentment, choose guit.

This is such an important lesson @Blaainey it doesn’t have to be all or nothing and to be honest I suspect you are just behind his sons and your own mother in realising this.

It is my experience that people who cannot tolerate setting boundaries themselves have huge issues with other people’s boundaries which they struggle to tolerate too.

Realistically though the choice is boundaries or burnout.

‘No family is nearby’ then if I replied to him, I would suggest he needs to pay someone local to help.

I understand. It is on me to change things not to focus on others.

Op honestly he knows you will cave that is why it’s you. It’s not being horrible it’s your life but he has 3 other people who are technically immediate family yet there happy to ignore him that says a lot about them. I could not imagine ignoring my dying brother yes he’s lonely but that’s not on you. If it were my uncle it would be now and again check ins but siblings would be a lot more. Do his sons and your mum not like him? Because it seems very cruel behaviour of the 3 of them.

Op he shouldn’t need a befriending service I understand why he doesn’t want it he wants his family. I would send all three of them a message saying I have too much on my plate to help your dad/brother so if you want him to die a lonely man that is up to but if something happens to him this is on you and if he does pass away and you don’t care for him as you should I won’t be informing you of his death because if you don’t care enough now when is alive you won’t care about his death. You should all be ashamed of yourselves call yourself family. Disgusting. Op it’s not nice but seriously they are horrible human beings.

I can't say about the sons but my mum doesn't like him.

They are in the wrong but I don't want to shame them. They don't care and that is upto them I guess. I need to back off myself as I am finding it hard to cope.

I know it’s not nice to shame them but they really need to understand the situation tough love is called for. They are going along single no real responsibility apart from a job but they ignore there dying dad it seems like they need a kick up their arses.

I have given them kicks before and my mum. I get ignored.

My uncle is going to have to find a way to cope himself as I can't carry him anymore.

Why is it cruel of the sons and OP’s mum? They’ve set boundaries. They’ve obviously had enough. The OP hasn’t set boundaries.

I’ve had a relative like this uncle and I know how draining and all-consuming it is. People back off for their own sanity - not to be cruel.

Edited to add, he’s possibly not dying either. He could go on for another fifteen years, if not more.

This is beyond inappropriate. It’s also committing Op to be the one to continue supporting and caring to the extent she won’t even tell anyone if he dies!

Well it won’t work will it? You know nothing of the history between the uncle and his sons and sister, or their reasons for keeping their distance (although his complete failure to care about other people’s needs and lives could well be one 🙄). So acting as his flying monkey (as described above) is just going to be more trouble and stress for OP.

She needs to concentrate on deciding how much she wants to do and learning how to stick to it.

Or once a week

I feel so angry for you OP. I would send a message to the sons and him on a group WhatsApp chat and explain again that they need to step up. And say that any future requests have to go on that chat and that chat alone, or there will be no response. Ostensibly so that whoever can reply first, will.

It's her brother - she's had an entire lifetime of his neediness and can't be arsed with it.

Just because she's retired doesn't mean she has to be on tap for his nonsense.

His own sons aren't stepping up. That doesn't mean the women of his family have to. He's in his 70s, not his 90s.

Also where have you got the idea he’s dying from?

OP has not said he is, she’s said he’s in his 70s and the cancer is slow growing.

Set boundaries or it’ll get worse. He’s lonely and elderly but still needs to sort out his own social life, he can’t expect you to do it for him.
Tell him that you’ll only be responding in the evening if you have time, reduce this as you go,
He doesn’t care about your feelings only his own.

Yes, no wonder he has always wanted a daughter....to care for him! You are very kind, OP.
At least he does live a long way away or you can bet your life you'd be expected to care for him physically too! I guess at least you can be in control of how much or how fast you answer his messages, whether he likes it or not.

But you're a nice person, so you're going to feel guilty whatever you do! But you do need to put firm boundaries in place...perhaps then your cousins will step up. Good luck!

I’m feeling a bit cross about some of the criticism of the other relatives, particularly OP’s mother. Why are her needs, wants, time, happiness less important than the uncle’s? He’s not incapacitated. He’s elderly, presumably so is OPs mother. He’s widowed and has cancer. He’s lonely but doesn’t do anything constructive to address this. These are not an exceptional set of circumstances for someone in their 70s. They don’t mean the person’s wishes override everyone else’s. And the brother and sister don’t get on. In what world does the mother need to put her wellbeing second to her brother’s? I just don’t get it.