to feel like I cannot become a substitute daughter for my elderly uncle?

[Blaainey]

My uncle has been on his own since my aunt died 8 years ago. He has cancer and I know life is very difficult for him emotionally, more than anything. He does manage day to day, but he is clearly lonely. He has two adult sons but they both live quite far away and don’t seem very involved.

One of the sons bought him a mobile phone and now I seem to have become permanent tech support, emotional support and daily company all rolled into one. From morning into late evening I get a constant stream of messages asking how features work, whether messages are spam, screenshots of random things, articles, photos and general chat. He is also always asking how I am and being very kind, so I feel awful even writing this.

What makes it harder is that he has said a few times that he always wanted a daughter. I know he means it affectionately, but I sometimes feel like I am slowly being pulled into that role emotionally. I do care about him very much, but I also have my own family, responsibilities and pressures.

He also lives hundreds of miles away, so it is not even as though I can pop in and see him regularly. The relationship exists almost entirely through constant messaging and calls throughout the day.

The truth is that other family members seem to keep their distance because he is very needy emotionally and can become upset if people do not respond quickly enough. One time he actually called my mum because I had not replied quickly to a completely non-urgent message.

I do try to encourage him to contact his sons more, but he says they are busy. I have even found local groups and befriending schemes for him but he is not interested in any of them. I texted his sons saying their dad really needs more contact and support, but neither replied.

The problem is that I feel emotionally worn down by the constant messages every single day. I have tried gently creating boundaries a few times and he backs off briefly, but within days it starts all over again.

I feel terribly guilty because he is elderly, widowed and ill, but at the same time I don’t think I can realistically fill the role of daughter, companion and support system indefinitely

I would just cut back on the amount of times you respond and just do it when convenient to you.

You have no idea why they might not want to be involved with their Dad.
Its not always because the dc are selfish.
The only thing op can do is set her own boundaries, she is not responsible for setting other people's

Exactly, and it would be cruel to do so. It is a shame that your Mother cannot help more, via the phone calls. Set a loose time limit, and not allow herself to be held on the phone for hours on end. It would take some of the strain off you.

You, my dear, should do the same!

I had a family member who did a version of this. DH pulled her up on it as she was his relative.

She has moved onto someone else, it is bliss.

YABU for responding to him so often.

Boundaries!

Step back. This will only get worse. If you feel you can’t then there’s nothing more to be done.You can’t make anyone else be more involved.

Has he got money /assets ?
If so tell his sons that hes saying he is doing / changing his will and giving everything to you.

Bet they will soon come running when you tell them or if you dont it will be when hes on his last legs or later.
In the meantime as somone said tell him you can have a good catch up one day a week or so. Then just dont respond outside of this.

There is a limited amount the sons can do to stop this, unless they are prepared to answer multiple daily calls and texts. Presumably they are not hence why he has moved on to you. Could you talk to him and say you will phone him twice a week but you won’t be able to contact him in between?

I have tried to call him myself ate set times. He agrees, he takes it on board for a few days then drifts back into messaging and calling again.

Tell them once and for all you're not his default carer then block his number.
You may have to do this for your own sanity and wellbeing.

Then you need to ignore him in between and tell your DM to ignore his calls/texts also.

You are being used by him, his sons, and even your own Mum because you're a soft touch.

The only person who can change this is YOU.

Block him when it's not convenient and tell him and his sons that this is what you'll do. Only be available at times when it's convenient and you actually want to.

If anyone moans then block him completely and permanently.

I don’t know why the sons are getting a bashing. The OP knows nothing about what exactly and how much they do or don’t do.

My elderly next door neighbours son is there every single day on his work lunch break, the son is a lovely man who looks quite old himself and his wife is recovering from cancer. There’s a woman (I presume neighbours daughter) there 3-4 times a week, and adult grandchildren there frequently at weekends.

But my neighbour tells me and our other neighbour how awful his family are, how nobody bothers with him, he never gets taken out anywhere or any help that he needs, how lonely and bored he is.

Imagine a relative who lived “hundreds of miles away” decided to “phone his son and tell him to sort his shit out” 🙄

Absolutely agree with this and even if they are not particularly involved anymore it is bloody obvious why, it is obviously sad he lost his wife but that dues nut give him the right to take over other people’s lives.

Shame on your mum and his sons. Hope he doesn't have money that they will expect to grab one day. It's very kind of you to be so caring and choose to help, you can only do what your time allows but I'm sure it's appreciated especially if he doesn't have anyone else.

Yea but that's when you need to not message back. You don't have to cut him off entirely, just call him once a week and ignore the stuff in between. You've become the target person because you're the only one who engages.

I agree that leaving it progressively longer to respond is the way to get him used to you not being as available. Maybe use ‘do not disturb’ sometimes. Get it to a manageable level that works for you.

Also maybe worth a try preempting his mobile phone questions by sending him a link to a video phone manual which he can watch/refer to.

You are a lovely caring person, but it's clear this can't go on in this way. Could you set a weekly day and time that you will have a natter for an hour, explain this to him along with how busy you are, and that you won't be able to respond to calls and texts all through the week but really look forward to chatting at 11am on Sunday for example?

Edit to add: then just ignore other calls, broken record texts with 'sorry can't chat, look forward to catching up Sunday'

You should take days to respond to messages.

The sons have probably had to pull back for their own sanity. I recommend you do the same. Make something up, like an evening job or a health issue or a crisis. Keep repeating it each time he contacts. Remember to repeat, repeat, repeat. He’ll try and wear you down but just repeat until he finds someone else to latch onto.

People like this are a burden… sad but true. It’s a shame when they are nice and they mean well, but it’s burdensome.

I agree with another poster. Set a time during the day to reply to his messages, tell him you're doing this. Make it clear that you can't be replying to messages throughout the day, because you are busy. If he calls your Mum, then so be it, let her deal with him when you can't. I'd also agree to setting a different ring tone on your phone, so you know it's your uncle calling.

You aren't his next-of-kin, his sons are, so any real responsibility falls to them, not you. You live a long way from your Uncle and cousins, so you have no idea how he's actually coping. That side of it all is not your responsibility, and it's probably good you do live a long way from him.

I think it's mean to ignore or block as other people are suggesting.

How old is he and how aggressive is the cancer? Could it be that he doesn't have long to live?

I suggest some strong boundaries to keep your sanity - perhaps tell him you will call for a chat on Tuesdays and Fridays at 6pm (for example). Then at least he has that to look forward to and perhaps he won't get so needy for contact in between when he knows you'll be speaking each week. Keep the call to 20 minutes and end with a 'must dash now - off to the gym, speak to you on Friday', or something.

Also, have a friendly text ping back written and saved: ' Sorry Uncle I am up to my ears today - will call you on Tuesday as planned. Thinking of you '

If he’s fine with his sons being ‘too busy to help’ then that’s the line I would take. When he tells you that, say, ‘I’m busy top’s

He is in his 70s - the cancer is slow growing.

I like this idea:

Sorry Uncle I am up to my ears today - will call you on Tuesday as planned. Thinking of you

Thank you. That is kinder than blocking.