to feel like I cannot become a substitute daughter for my elderly uncle?

[Blaainey]

My uncle has been on his own since my aunt died 8 years ago. He has cancer and I know life is very difficult for him emotionally, more than anything. He does manage day to day, but he is clearly lonely. He has two adult sons but they both live quite far away and don’t seem very involved.

One of the sons bought him a mobile phone and now I seem to have become permanent tech support, emotional support and daily company all rolled into one. From morning into late evening I get a constant stream of messages asking how features work, whether messages are spam, screenshots of random things, articles, photos and general chat. He is also always asking how I am and being very kind, so I feel awful even writing this.

What makes it harder is that he has said a few times that he always wanted a daughter. I know he means it affectionately, but I sometimes feel like I am slowly being pulled into that role emotionally. I do care about him very much, but I also have my own family, responsibilities and pressures.

He also lives hundreds of miles away, so it is not even as though I can pop in and see him regularly. The relationship exists almost entirely through constant messaging and calls throughout the day.

The truth is that other family members seem to keep their distance because he is very needy emotionally and can become upset if people do not respond quickly enough. One time he actually called my mum because I had not replied quickly to a completely non-urgent message.

I do try to encourage him to contact his sons more, but he says they are busy. I have even found local groups and befriending schemes for him but he is not interested in any of them. I texted his sons saying their dad really needs more contact and support, but neither replied.

The problem is that I feel emotionally worn down by the constant messages every single day. I have tried gently creating boundaries a few times and he backs off briefly, but within days it starts all over again.

I feel terribly guilty because he is elderly, widowed and ill, but at the same time I don’t think I can realistically fill the role of daughter, companion and support system indefinitely

if you live hundreds of miles away from
him-are his sons far away from
him as well?

They only want a daughter as daughters provide the elderly parents with care. He is using you sorry

Yes they are around 3 hours away.

Maybe a white lie - I’ve been suffering with migraines/dizziness/tinnitus so the doctor has told me to not be on my phone as much and especially no calls.

Reduce your contact OP for your sanity if nothing else.
No doubt that everyone will suddernly become interested the moment he begins to decline and the whiff of money is in the air.

The sons are both high earners so I don't think they are fussed about any money he has.

Op you need to remind your uncle your life is also very busy and your no different than his sons with time and you can only contact him every so often when it’s convenient as your very much needed at home. He is allowing his sons there time what because your a woman and your not as important as them. Say no uncle my time is also important. Op your mum should be doing more too take the pressure off you. He’s not around forever and she’s being selfish in this situation.

I feel like my mum should do more as she is retired. But she doesn't like speaking to him. She has caller ID and won't pick up when he calls. She often won't answer my calls either as I have asked her to speak more to Uncle as he is struggling.

But she doesn't want to so it is on me.

When I tell my uncle I am busy, he says he understands. He slows down and then back to the usual a few days later.

You can either let him or be more assertive but I would be annoyed with my mum if she did this especially as he is ill.

I will try being more assertive. He is so needy and I have the least time. My mum has lots of time. The two sons are single without families.

He is being unreasonable. He is responsible for his own well-being, and if he needs support then it is his responsibility not to alienate the people who offer it.

I think you have to mute him, call when you have arranged and if he asks about the unanswered messages say "You know I haven't got time to read all your messages!" In the tone of voice that suggests it's obvious no-one would have time to read all those messages.. Because it is obvious! He must be either very very stupid, or he doesn't see your time as having any worth beyond the uses he wants to put it to.

Yes he's sad, yes he has cancer, but unless he is in the grip of dementia he is also astonishingly obtuse and/or entitled - and you don't have to pander to his nonsense.

Harshly , I expect you felt a bit pleased wih yourself for being so kind to uncle at first when noone else was. Now you are finding out why noone else was. As everyone has pointed out, only you can change this, by stopping engaging beyond what HE HIMSELF never mind you have already previously agreed is reasonable.

He goes back on it because you let him. Don't. However sad and ill he is, if the rest of your family has dropped the rope (we don't know for sure but it's likely he is equally self-centred with everyone so they may well be fed up with him) you cannot carry their burdens for them. Face squarely up to the fact that you cannot fill the gap in his life left by your mother and cousins. And it is preposterous to feel you should.

There is a difference between "being needy" and actually needing stuff. He doesn't need you 20 times per day, he thinks he's entitled to you. He isn't.

Don’t respond to every text or message. Save them up to answer all together at a set time each day. Then start having days when you don’t respond at all. Make it clear to him that you are happy to help but are busy so can’t be “on call” all the time. Perhaps make a habit of having a really long chat once a week. He’s lonely and he needs help from you but you shouldn’t be made to feel obliged to answer every time he calls.

No one is obliged to answer multiple calls and messages even if they are retired. Put in the boundaries of what you are prepared to do and let your DM continue to manage the calls she receives as she wishes.

Ultimately it sounds like Duncle needs to build a support network where he is and/or take some anti anxiety meds, or possibly it is dementia setting in. Of course it’s sad he has cancer but that does not mean he gets a free pass on social norms. What’s going to happen when/if he needs actual physical care ?

I used to have an elderly uncle who loved to talk. He retired through ill health in his late 40s when i was a teenager, and I think between being a bit bored, and never having had his own family (so not necessarily understanding the time commitment needed for one!) used to call at all times of day. I found getting into a routine (I'd call him for a chat on a Sunday morning and a Wednesday after work) worked well, and we'd maybe text/email a bit in between and meet for coffee/lunch about once a month. By the time he was in his 70s I was doing his supermarket deliveries online and stuff for him, so we did have more contact. But we were close, he was more of a father to me than mine ever was, and he had a good friendship network where he lived.

What was your relationship like before he became unwell?

Does your uncle have anyone who is actually near him geographically?

I think most posters agree this is unfair on you, however its not going to be forever.

He sounds terribly lonely, is there anyway soneone could get him some sort if befriending service in person or phone?

Tbh, 2 sons and at least one sister, you could share calls between you so no one gets the full thwack. Seems bc one person can't cope everyone else takes a step back too. Why should I when xxx doesn't?

Don't have to time trft so not sure of his age or health status but I would have to think, what if this was my father who had lost his wife and his children can't be bothered with him.

I expected to be alone in my old age, (hopefully not now as I got married later in life) it was the most depressing time I felt. At work, I see older people who's family care little for them, and that is very, very, depressing.

What was your relationship like before he became unwell?

He has always talked a lot but the neediness increased after the sons moved out and his wife died.

Does your uncle have anyone who is actually near him geographically?

No family is nearby.

It is just two sons. I am the niece. The sons either don't reply when I contact or say they will do more and then they don't.

My mum avoids his calls.

I have tried to get him involved for befriending but he doesn't want to.

At work, I see older people who's family care little for them, and that is very, very, depressing.

I agree but this is too much for me. I have been doing it for years.

Agree you have to pull back

Does he know what you do for work? Can you ‘white lie’ and say it’s impossible for you to message/take calls in work hours - it’s getting you in trouble

Then set time for calls but only a couple of times a week

If he won’t do befriending activities would he accept a weekly ‘call to chat’ service from someone like Reengage?

Stop feeling guilty It is not your fault that other family don’t do more and there are only so many hours in a day you have to fit the rest of your life into. You sound lovely, but don’t let this completely wear you out 💐

If you haven’t already I would recommend reading or listening to Mel Robbins “Let Them”. It’s core philosophy is that you can’t control the actions of other people, the only person you have control over is yourself. Therefore forget what your DM and his sons do or don’t do, they have made their choices and you can’t change that. Likewise you can’t control Duncles neediness, nor the fact he has cancer.

What you can do is decide how much you feel is reasonable and achievable for you to do, and do that. If that’s once a week calls, then mute your phone in between and switch off messaging. It will feel uncomfortable at first as you’re used to responding, but for the sake of your own long term mental health you have to do it. Duncle might prefer more frequent calls and messages, but you’re a person too.

Over the past year I have had to do things due to both DPs having dementia that I am not proud of. They are in a care home now, but DM goes through spates of calling multiple times and unfortunately as her speech is no longer intelligible, it’s distressing for both of us. Therefore when I am at work I switch the sound on my phone off and I have switched off the ability for people to leave messages. DH is the main point of contact for the care home itself, so if it’s an emergency they will ring him. I had to choose myself, I was sinking into depression and likely to lose my new job if I kept on taking calls. We visit frequently- between 2-3 times per week so she can communicate her needs then.

You can still support him, but in a way that’s sustainable to yourself.

This is probably why his sons keep their distance. They are not obliged to respond or help bu then neither are you. You can't stop him calling your mum but she can mange that herself. Just aside certain times to reply and he'll get the idea.

I had a cousin like this. She has LD and eventually her messages turned to her wanting to kill herself. I felt like I was 24/7 mh support line. I raised this with wider family who told me "she is like this with everyone" so they all knew, but no one warned me. She had no intentions of causing herself any harm and I had been worried sick. After that I just got slower and slower in my replies. She lives her multigenerational family. Everyone knows I have a disabled son and didn't have the capacity to deal with that. It's really hard OP. But with the sons, I bet they are just grateful it's not them and don't give a shit about you, or what's best for their dad come to it.

Do only what you feel you can. Like one reply a day. Or two or whatever but stick to it.

Do you know what a flying monkey is? As well as the wizard of Oz, it's a term used to describe when manipulative people use others to do their manipulation work for them. They send their flying monkeys. That is what you are being used as when you tell the sons to 'step up'.

Your uncle is being really manipulative. I sympathise because it's really difficult when you love someone, feel bad for them, feel guilty and responsible. But you are responsible for your own happiness and mental health and I know from experience that being at somebody else's emotional beck and call is bloody awful.

You can love and care for him and still maintain your own boundaries. You decide when you're going to be available to speak to him. That is the only time you engage with him. Everything else, you ignore. You need to get used to doing this as it gets easier. As you are learning, nobody is going to help you with this because they don't want to be the emotional crutch! You have to be strong and do it yourself.

So his son's avoid his calls and your mum avoids his calls. And his sons ignore your emotional appeal to them to do more after you did a flying monkey routine.

What do we learn from this?

That you are the soft sap who hasn't yet put up appropriate boundaries and just dances to his tune and gives him the attention rather than ignoring and saying no.

He has been signposted to local support and befriending schemes. He has said no. This is his choice.

Make your choices. This doesn't work for you. It's not your responsibility. He's latched onto you because a) he's sexist and thinks women are support humans b) you indulge him.

When you don't respond he resorts to manipulation and guilt tripping by getting angry or pestering your mum. This is no ok and needs nipping in the bud now.

No is a perfectly acceptable answer.

Was your uncle in the forces? The British Legion or RAFA might be able to arrange a home visit for him. I think the Silverline helpline can arrange weekly befriending calls for him and offer advice.