to feel like I cannot become a substitute daughter for my elderly uncle?

[Blaainey]

My uncle has been on his own since my aunt died 8 years ago. He has cancer and I know life is very difficult for him emotionally, more than anything. He does manage day to day, but he is clearly lonely. He has two adult sons but they both live quite far away and don’t seem very involved.

One of the sons bought him a mobile phone and now I seem to have become permanent tech support, emotional support and daily company all rolled into one. From morning into late evening I get a constant stream of messages asking how features work, whether messages are spam, screenshots of random things, articles, photos and general chat. He is also always asking how I am and being very kind, so I feel awful even writing this.

What makes it harder is that he has said a few times that he always wanted a daughter. I know he means it affectionately, but I sometimes feel like I am slowly being pulled into that role emotionally. I do care about him very much, but I also have my own family, responsibilities and pressures.

He also lives hundreds of miles away, so it is not even as though I can pop in and see him regularly. The relationship exists almost entirely through constant messaging and calls throughout the day.

The truth is that other family members seem to keep their distance because he is very needy emotionally and can become upset if people do not respond quickly enough. One time he actually called my mum because I had not replied quickly to a completely non-urgent message.

I do try to encourage him to contact his sons more, but he says they are busy. I have even found local groups and befriending schemes for him but he is not interested in any of them. I texted his sons saying their dad really needs more contact and support, but neither replied.

The problem is that I feel emotionally worn down by the constant messages every single day. I have tried gently creating boundaries a few times and he backs off briefly, but within days it starts all over again.

I feel terribly guilty because he is elderly, widowed and ill, but at the same time I don’t think I can realistically fill the role of daughter, companion and support system indefinitely

Presumably he feels it acceptable to put this on you because you are female and therefore 'should' in his mind be caring for him, unlike his sons.
Except you're not actually doing any physical caring, I suppose. What will happen when he needs carers organising, meal deliveries, conversations with social workers etc.. doesn't sound like the sons will be stepping up..
That much contact from anyone would be a lot, really. Given that this is all virtual and he doesn't actually need your physical care for his safety, I'd be tempted to hugely reduce my contact back. Wait a day before replying, be vague, don't have the answer, be useless basically.

You sound lovely to have coped this long! Has he had an adult social services review? How is he coping with self care, cleaning, shopping, cooking etc? He 'might' qualify to have a carer/MacMillian in which would give him someone else to talk to.

I'd change the ringtone on our phone so his is different to everyone else
Make it clear that you have work/family/whatever and you can't be helping ALL day long
Don't answer or take longer and longer to or say you will give him a call at 9am on Saturday
Its sad, but I'd be stepping back for your on sanity and let the sons know more often about the constant calls/texts etc.

You need set a time to reply to his messages or call him, say half a hour twice a week, and ignore everything until then.

You’ve said he phoned your mum when you didn’t reply to a message. Let him. He’s her brother/BIL so let her deal with him when you’re unavailable.

You really don’t know how much contact and support he’s getting from his sons and you talk about family “distancing themselves” when really it just sound to me like they have better boundaries than you.

Did he used to tell you that he wished he had a daughter before he needed extra support?

Be busy too. There's nothing to suggest he's been like a Dad to you, he wants the benefits of a father / daughter relationship without putting in any of the effort.

Yes I expect he’s always wanted a daughter so someone would look after in his old age and his sons are too important to do so.
You need to have a firmer word with them.

Sometimes but it is more since my aunt died.

I agree with what everyone else is saying.

Take longer and longer to reply. Let him phone your Mum - she is closer in relationship to him than you are.

Let the sons know you are taking a huge step back. Tell them that you are busy too and this is their job to do.

Hi @Blaainey "...he has said a few times that he always wanted a daughter. I know he means it affectionately, but I sometimes feel like I am slowly being pulled into that role emotionally"

Yes, he is conditionong you to take on the role I'm afraid. Is it your mums or dads brother?

Aw I feel sorry for him but you have your own family and so does he, including people like your mum. I would say I’m sorry I have so much on with work and the kids that I can’t reply everyday, I will give you a call on Sundays and we can speak then. Then don’t respond to anything that isn’t urgent (which you can’t really help with anyway as he’s so far away).
Being cynical, I wonder if he really meant he wishes he had a daughter, or that he wishes he had a woman to look after him his whole life

Whoever purchased the mobile phone for him, why didn’t he phone them ? Does he have their number even ? Or their address so you can get in touch.

Mums brother. She avoids his calls.

It is one of the sons. He doesn't ask him because he is too busy.

My mum avoids his calls because he will keep her on the phone for hours.

Forward all this messages to the sons and ask them to support their dad.

I have done. They ignore me and him.

Terrible situation. I do think you need to forward the messages to the sons.
And keep doing that. Tell him you are doing that. And be honest, gently with him that you have to because you cannot be the only person he contacts.

Presumably he feels it acceptable to put this on you because you are female and therefore 'should' in his mind be caring for him, unlike his sons.

My first thought too.

My advice:
Leave him on read.
Be less available.
Contact his sons and tell them he needs help when hes on to you about whatever...

The only person who is going to change this is you I’m afraid. He won’t change as it suits him, and he has no idea how much it’s stressing you out.

Just stop replying to him, or invent an emergency that means you are unavailable.

Or be honest and say you are struggling with all his demds and he needs to find support elsewhere.

Says it all when your mum avoids him. Can you just block his number? I appreciate you probably don't want to, but it sounds likes it's an all or nothing relationship.

I wonder if it would help to contact your cousins directly to explain how dependent their Dad is becoming on you and that he doesn’t seem to want to ‘bother’ them bus obviously needs more support and companionship. They may not realise whatsoever.

I have spoken to them. They say they will do more then don't.

I am reluctant to do this to an elderly man with cancer.

Phone the sons. Tell them to sort their shit out

Tell them it's not enough.