Stuck in the middle with family and husband

[coconutta]

I don’t often see family because of distance but when we do go and visit I am always torn between wanting my husband to be happy and keeping everyone else happy.

Everyone being my mum and sister in law who are both very strong minded.

My brother is very much sit back and let his mum and wife decide and this dynamic works well for them as they like to organise and plan everything and are used to that.

My husband doesn’t like this and as it’s my family he expects me to speak up and say we (mainly him) want to do something different be it eat somewhere else or do something else to what they have planned.
I find this hard especially as SIL makes most plans and is quite bossy so mum always goes along with her.
I’m quite laid back I tend to just go along but my husband doesn’t like to go with the flow and is more opinionated and has stronger preferences than me so my family are not used to this and it feels like I’m stuck in the middle of lots of strong minds all with different ideas and I’m honestly happy to do whatever but I find it so stressful when mum and sil make plans and husband isn’t on board but at home I’m happy to go with flow so as my husband has more preference he is used to having more input.

I just like to see my family once in a while but it all feels like such a headache when I’m more like my brother and don’t mind what we do as long as we do something but I feel like cancelling the whole trip as husband isn’t happy with any of the plans and I know how awkward it will be if I don’t go along with what mum and sil have decided especially as they live near each other and are used to doing things together their way.
I really hate this pressure.

Why can’t your husband just go with the flow and let someone else decide if you don’t see them that often.

He sounds like he is being difficult just to make your life harder.

Yes SIL might be hard work but if you don’t see them that often I would just grin and bare it.

This is exactly my approach and what I want to do.

I think SIL doesn't get to dictate. Either decide to do 50/50 of plans or just stick by your DH. To be fair I wouldn't like my in-laws dictating our plans on visits. We had this ONCE and I put a stop to it pretty shortly afterwards. We were having IVF at the time and no-one could understand why we had to prioritize my doctors appointments and injections etc over lunch plans.
We just started refusing all invites and it soon stopped! My MIL had to see her baby boy so unsuitable lunch plans were shelved pronto!

Does he have to go?

You've chosen a partner who likes to make decisions and take control because it fits with your personality of 'going with the flow'
It's a bit unfair to expect him to change when it suits you.
If anything, you're guests so the 'hosts' should be asking what you two would like to do.

What kind of plans is it OP that are made and what does he want to do instead. As I think that would make a difference to my response.

Eg if its a pub A vs pub B, or a shall I book a table for 6 or 7 then I'd say he is just being petty to make a point. If he wants to go out for pub grub and they are booking Michelin star meals then there are a lot of difference between those two things and they should really be checking with others beforehand

Is it the actual plans that he objects to (they organise stuff he hates) or he just doesn't like not being in charge

I can’t bear men people who like to impose their way on others and control every show just to prove a point and show they’re boss.

Go without your DH if he’s making life hard. Is he a dick when you’re visiting his family as well?

Why can’t your husband speak up and say his objections or an alternative ??

Why can’t you all discuss plans and find an option that suits everyone?

Both you and your husband need to - politely - put forward more suitable alternatives if whatever SIL wants doesn’t meet your expectations.

Can you give any examples @coconutta

What has your SIL planned that your DH is so opposed to?

Thing is she does get to dictate the rest of the time so that’s not going to change because we are visiting.
She gets her way because she’s so particular about everything while everyone else is more agreeable but my husband isn’t quite so much.

I can’t bear men people who like to impose their way on others and control every show just to prove a point and show they’re boss

But that's exactly what the SIL does! Sounds to me like she is the one making life hard, not the DH.

Your SIL sounds like a nightmare but you and your brother are so passive she is used to getting away with it. I feel sorry for your DH actually. It's not that he is not "agreeable" it just sounds like the rest of you are doormats and he is not prepared to be one too.

I think your DP sounds a big baby. Can’t he just go along with it to keep the peace? I could understand if it was every weekend, but a couple of times a year? If SIL suggests white water rafting, and your DH is more of a Chess guy, I would say he should speak up and tell them it’s not his bag, but if it’s just a differing opinion on what restaurant to go to, I would just go along with it.

My in-laws rave about their local Beefeater, I wouldn’t be seen dead there, but without fail we go there when we visit. I can’t be bothered to take it so I just shut up and put up.

You only see them occasionally so not getting precisely his own way should not be too burdensome for your OH, assuming he is a normal grown adult.

Everyone should be compromising here. Your SIL chooses the lunch venue today, your DH chooses it the next day, or picks the dinner venue or whatever. He shouldn’t have to put up with his whole vacation / visit being dictated by other people. He should also be allowed to go and do his own thing for a while too. When we visit my family my DH will sometimes go for a walk, out for a coffee, whatever, on his own. Gives him some breathing space and my parents some one on one time with me. And does your DH have to go with you on every visit?

Why does SIL get to ‘impose their way on others and control every show just to prove a point and show they’re boss’?

If they are both going to behave like children then they need to learn to take turns.

Is he willing to do the planning? Because it sounds like she does. Or does he want to express a preference and someone else plans?

My parents visited my Mum's brother and his wife. My Uncle's wife had mapped out what they were doing the entire 3 days my parents were there. No discussion, no asking for my parents input at all. She just announced that my Mum and her were doing X and my Uncle, her son and my Dad were doing XX! My Dad just turned around and said 'No, I don't want to go to XX, it's not somewhere I'd choose to go'!! My Uncle's wife was absolutely livid!!

Your Mum and SIL should be asking for your input, not just assuming you're all going to go along with their plans. I can understand why your husband is irritated to be honest. Of course the easy option is to go along with whatever plans your SIL has made. The problem with that is, if no one says anything, she'll just continue to decide on everyone's behalf forever more.

That’s what he says, he feels like we are invisible and just joining in.
Nobody asks our opinion but if he suggests something all eyes look to sil to see what she thinks and if she has another idea then we do that.
It just feels awkward because then he’s moaning to me in private but pretends to be happy to them.

Make plans before they suggest. If your husband wants to go to a certain restaurant or place then say you’re going there if they would like to join. It’s then upto them if they object or join you.

Like the strong minded mum and SIL

Does he have to go?

Also you can message them in advance and tell them your preference if they refuse then you can leave dh at home

or send a polite message asking if you can choose the restaurant next time?

So he’s used to getting his own way and throws a wobbly when he doesn’t, on the odd occasion. He sounds lovely - NOT.

What happens if you want your own way at home. Or have you stopped asking that for an easy life?