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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stuck in the middle with family and husband

90 replies

coconutta · 20/05/2026 13:47

I don’t often see family because of distance but when we do go and visit I am always torn between wanting my husband to be happy and keeping everyone else happy.

Everyone being my mum and sister in law who are both very strong minded.

My brother is very much sit back and let his mum and wife decide and this dynamic works well for them as they like to organise and plan everything and are used to that.

My husband doesn’t like this and as it’s my family he expects me to speak up and say we (mainly him) want to do something different be it eat somewhere else or do something else to what they have planned.
I find this hard especially as SIL makes most plans and is quite bossy so mum always goes along with her.
I’m quite laid back I tend to just go along but my husband doesn’t like to go with the flow and is more opinionated and has stronger preferences than me so my family are not used to this and it feels like I’m stuck in the middle of lots of strong minds all with different ideas and I’m honestly happy to do whatever but I find it so stressful when mum and sil make plans and husband isn’t on board but at home I’m happy to go with flow so as my husband has more preference he is used to having more input.

I just like to see my family once in a while but it all feels like such a headache when I’m more like my brother and don’t mind what we do as long as we do something but I feel like cancelling the whole trip as husband isn’t happy with any of the plans and I know how awkward it will be if I don’t go along with what mum and sil have decided especially as they live near each other and are used to doing things together their way.
I really hate this pressure.

OP posts:
Cismyfatarse · 21/05/2026 16:15

One day each. You plan Friday night / Saturday lunch; they do Saturday night / Sunday lunch. Or pre-empt it. Last time we did sandwiches which you chose, this time it is our turn to choose and we want x. Your SiL sounds awful.

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2026 16:18

coconutta · 20/05/2026 21:44

I wish he would but he doesn’t want to be left out and he doesn’t want to do what they plan so I get the grief from him while he goes along with it.

Show quote history

Maybe they don't want to spend the money it would cost to eat out?

It's eye-wateringly expensive right now.

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2026 16:19

Vivi0 · 21/05/2026 15:59

I’m failing to see what the OP’s husband is doing to warrant being left behind?

The OP says she visits her mum a few times a year - it is certainly not unreasonable to want to also explore the area on those visits - eat out at some of the restaurants, visit the sites that you would enjoy, attend any events that may be on etc.

I’m with your husband OP. I couldn’t stand someone “putting on a spread” for me, or making me sandwiches to take out with me over grabbing lunch somewhere.

What would happen if you text your brother to say “DH and I are taking mum out to x restaurant on Saturday night, if you and SIL fancy joining us?” Or “Just make sandwiches for yourselves, DH and I are looking forward to trying y place for lunch”.

Would it really be that bad?

What if they can't afford it?

And surely hosting and providing food is a normal thing to do?

Dazedanddiscombobulated · 21/05/2026 16:33

ThisTimeWillBeDifferent · 20/05/2026 21:52

You are continually putting SIL above your DH and signalling to him that his preferences mean less than your SILs.

It’s exhausting going along and putting on a smile so as not to offend when you’re being dragged around to do things you don’t fancy and no one will listen to you. Traipsing around following other people and not having any say in food choices as a weekend away sounds utterly terrible. You’re expecting your husband to do it every time because you can’t be arsed to stand up for him. That isn’t “going with the flow”, it’s being a wet blanket.

He knows giving his opinion will just end up as him vs SIL. He knows you’ll agree with SIL over him to keep the peace because she’ll be more vocal, so he’ll look like a dick if he pushes it. He’s damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t. Thats why he’s moaning to you. If numbers matter, your vote matters. Why won’t you back him up? You aren’t keeping “everyone” happy. You’re just keeping SIL happy and expecting him to suck it up. Would you rather he started acting like her and making his displeasure very obvious instead so he actually gets a say in his weekend breaks?

Show quote history

This!

The situation you’ve described @coconutta would drive me potty. Of course DH shouldn’t dictate the whole weekend, but it sounds like he doesn’t get to have an opinion on any of it!

If I had people/family driving hours to visit me I’d ask them what they fancied doing and maybe give some options. Then we’d come up with plan together.

Vivi0 · 21/05/2026 16:34

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2026 16:19

What if they can't afford it?

And surely hosting and providing food is a normal thing to do?

Show quote history

The OP has already clarified that it has nothing to do with money.

Anyway, the OP and her DH can afford to eat out and want to do so. They don’t need SIL’s attendance or permission.

JoshLymanSwagger · 21/05/2026 16:42

We are also going out the next day for a day out somewhere quite commercialised with lots of places to eat where they have decided we’ll take a picnic, also not something we do at home as we generally just pop in and eat somewhere so he’s miffed about that.

Let them take their picnic, while you and DH eat out somewhere nice and meet up later.

Either that or cancel the whole thing.

I wouldn't be bossed around by a SIL I saw twice a year.

LittlePetitePsychopath · 21/05/2026 16:45

coconutta · 20/05/2026 20:21

We don’t have a family WhatsApp we only see my brother and wife twice a year and a 2 min call on birthdays, although I speak to my mum weekly.

If we didn’t go along with what sil wanted mum would be put in a very difficult position as they see each other every few days and brother would be upset with her.

At home when it’s just husband and me we do what we usually do and they are used to doing what they all usually do which is just different to us.
Husband was thinking we would eat out as it’s a weekend away but they have decided to put on a spread which he doesn’t fancy.
We are also going out the next day for a day out somewhere quite commercialised with lots of places to eat where they have decided we’ll take a picnic, also not something we do at home as we generally just pop in and eat somewhere so he’s miffed about that.

It’s difficult to explain the real problem but it feels like we just follow them around, stop when they stop to go in a shop but get left behind if we don’t keep up.
Its also that the conversation is always between them and anything we have to say is either talked over or not listened to so even if we said we’d prefer to do so and so mum or brother would say oh well I think sil was thinking…. Or we’ll see what she thinks and as soon as she disagrees mum will just says oh ok well you decide so she does, or she’ll ask my brother who will ask her or he’ll already know and say she’d rather do…. and it’s quite matter of fact which is what he means by feeling invisible or like we’re just tagging along with them.

I don’t think I’m a door mat I just think I am driving for hours to visit family so I don’t mind what we do together as it’s just one weekend but with husband we usually go somewhere with something to do or something going on, go in somewhere for lunch and so he gets bored when they just decide to go for a stroll and chat and take a sandwich which is fine by me but not what we usually do so he is disappointed that we’re not doing anything that interests him.

Edited
Show quote history

This sounds absolutely miserable. Do they invite you up?

My initial instinct was that twice a year, your DH could compromise at least half the time and go with the flow, but they act like they don't really want you there... I'd be pissed and trying to make it more enjoyable for myself, too.

WeatherOrNothing · 21/05/2026 17:02

Maybe you and your db aren’t actually laid back but so used to being bossed around by your dm.
what the hell are all of you bunch of grown adults have to look at your SIL face about what to do???
She and your dm sound a nightmare to be around and I’m with your dh.
TEam dh here

MadeInTheNorth · 21/05/2026 19:48

Can you go by yourself and leave him at home?
This has worked fir me over the years, as my DH gets bored and I get to spend time with my parents.

NotMajorTom · 21/05/2026 19:50

Man doesn’t support his wife vs family = he’s a dick

woman doesn’t support her husband vs family = he’s a dick

good old mumsnet

roshi42 · 21/05/2026 20:01

I call this couple syndrome.

Family holidays one sibling and partner want to do one thing or eat somewhere, other sibling and partner want something different, parents are rigid on what they’ll do and moan… no one ever consults me on plans! But tbh I am happy to fit in - I eat anything, am interested in most things, I will join in with pretty much whatever.

Every couple gets very used to doing things entirely their way and have got used to compromising with just each other and know each other so well it’s not even a discussion any more and totally lose the skill of fitting in in a group as individuals. Makes family holidays with a group of couples a minefield. Especially for the lone single!!

cocog · 21/05/2026 20:46

If he’s the one with the opinion then he should arrange with sil before the plans are made and give her some of his preferences so she can arrange something for everyone or he could make the plans and do the organising for the whole family and save her what is probably a lot of effort and time.

Fountinbeach · 21/05/2026 20:53

Your husband is making it stressful for you when you don't actually see them much.
Tell him its best he stays home.

I think you are in a very controlling marriage that you cannot insist on this.
A good man would say I'll stay home.
He likes you stressed about seeing your family.

This is toxic.
Coercive control is when you are isolated from your family.
By stressing you, he is isolating you.
That is toxic.

Your SIL may be annoying but you are happy to go along with it.
He should follow your lead, but he won't.
He'd rather you be stressed in the middle.
Wake up to him.

Vivi0 · Yesterday 00:32

Fountinbeach · 21/05/2026 20:53

Your husband is making it stressful for you when you don't actually see them much.
Tell him its best he stays home.

I think you are in a very controlling marriage that you cannot insist on this.
A good man would say I'll stay home.
He likes you stressed about seeing your family.

This is toxic.
Coercive control is when you are isolated from your family.
By stressing you, he is isolating you.
That is toxic.

Your SIL may be annoying but you are happy to go along with it.
He should follow your lead, but he won't.
He'd rather you be stressed in the middle.
Wake up to him.

This is toxic.

Nah - you are toxic.

The guy just wants to eat out at somewhere of his choosing occasssionally when they visit.

BIG. FUCKING. DEAL.

watchingthishtread · Yesterday 14:34

I don’t often see family because of distance but when we do go and visit I am always torn between wanting my husband to be happy and keeping everyone else happy.

The bigger question is why do you feel responsible for everyone's happiness? Let them figure it out. Do what you think is the right thing to do, with some degree of flexibility. If someone (and it sounds like that will most likely be your husband) isn't happy then that's for them to deal with themselves. If he'd be happier doing something else then he can do something else. It's up to him.

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