Stuck in the middle with family and husband

[coconutta]

I don’t often see family because of distance but when we do go and visit I am always torn between wanting my husband to be happy and keeping everyone else happy.

Everyone being my mum and sister in law who are both very strong minded.

My brother is very much sit back and let his mum and wife decide and this dynamic works well for them as they like to organise and plan everything and are used to that.

My husband doesn’t like this and as it’s my family he expects me to speak up and say we (mainly him) want to do something different be it eat somewhere else or do something else to what they have planned.
I find this hard especially as SIL makes most plans and is quite bossy so mum always goes along with her.
I’m quite laid back I tend to just go along but my husband doesn’t like to go with the flow and is more opinionated and has stronger preferences than me so my family are not used to this and it feels like I’m stuck in the middle of lots of strong minds all with different ideas and I’m honestly happy to do whatever but I find it so stressful when mum and sil make plans and husband isn’t on board but at home I’m happy to go with flow so as my husband has more preference he is used to having more input.

I just like to see my family once in a while but it all feels like such a headache when I’m more like my brother and don’t mind what we do as long as we do something but I feel like cancelling the whole trip as husband isn’t happy with any of the plans and I know how awkward it will be if I don’t go along with what mum and sil have decided especially as they live near each other and are used to doing things together their way.
I really hate this pressure.

You are continually putting SIL above your DH and signalling to him that his preferences mean less than your SILs.

It’s exhausting going along and putting on a smile so as not to offend when you’re being dragged around to do things you don’t fancy and no one will listen to you. Traipsing around following other people and not having any say in food choices as a weekend away sounds utterly terrible. You’re expecting your husband to do it every time because you can’t be arsed to stand up for him. That isn’t “going with the flow”, it’s being a wet blanket.

He knows giving his opinion will just end up as him vs SIL. He knows you’ll agree with SIL over him to keep the peace because she’ll be more vocal, so he’ll look like a dick if he pushes it. He’s damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t. Thats why he’s moaning to you. If numbers matter, your vote matters. Why won’t you back him up? You aren’t keeping “everyone” happy. You’re just keeping SIL happy and expecting him to suck it up. Would you rather he started acting like her and making his displeasure very obvious instead so he actually gets a say in his weekend breaks?

Following them around sounds absolutely miserable.
Is money an issue for them is that why they don't want to eat out? Can you afford to pay for everyone for a meal out?
Can your mum not come and stay with you?

No it’s nothing to do with money.
My Mum does come to stay but there doesn’t seem to be any issues then because she is on her own. Although she only comes a couple of times a year and we go to her a couple of times a year and see the family while we are there.

My sil is like this. Her always making the plans mil agreeing. We get a last thought invite.

Sil Likes take away B I refuse to eat there as their last rating got a 1star!! But mil will
go along. So last time I ordered from take away A. Oh the evils while they waited for their B take away. I have zero fucks. I paid in full while mil paid for hers and sils. Though we haven’t been invited for another take away but I don’t care Im not eating bad food to harmony and constantly being ignored. Dh hates take away B as well and introduced me to take away A but he won’t stand up for himself 😩 I don’t mind being the bad evil dil.

It just feels awkward because then he’s moaning to me in private but pretends to be happy to them.

I think this is the bit where he’s being unfair. He can’t just put pressure on you in private and then say nothing.

I think you need to speak to your Mum and SIL and make sure they know your DH isn’t happy with not being consulted, and wants a say in plans.

And tell DH you really hate being in the middle so he needs to speak up for himself.

It doesn’t sound like they are objectively unreasonable things one way or the other (not akin to the MILs who won’t give their DIL’s any food but pile their son’s plate high) so it’s not like it’s a “your family, you must speak” situation.

Does your SIL insist on making food at home, i.e. the buffet and the picnic due to money being tight and not being able to afford to eat out? If that's the case, I can understand why they do it but I can also understand why your DH isn't keen. There doesn't seem to be much 'give and take' from your SIL and it sounds like everyone is scared of upsetting her.

ETA that I've just read your post saying that it's not a money issue so I think that you can tell them that you will be going to a restaurant rather than eating the picnic and will meet up with them afterwards.

I think you need to take the bull by the horns and say something.
perhaps text or say to your M and SIL that your H finds it hard that what you are doing when you visit is done without consultation and let’s make a family WhatsApp group chat to put ideas on.
say to your H that you’re doing this so everyone can put a restaurant or activity into the chat and we can organise doing something from everyone’s choice.
I always find being truthful stops upset or arguments later.

This

That sounds awful actually. Leaving you if you don't keep up is unbelievably rude. Why do you expect your husband to put up with being treated like this?

Why is it so important to keep your mum and SIL happy, but your husband's feelings don't count?

If you're guests and your hosts are planning a spread, I think you need to go with that. But if he doesn't want a picnic on a day out that's fine, surely? You just say "actually, we fancy buying lunch there so don't make anything for us". If they sulk about not being in control of everything then that's their problem 🤷‍♀️

I’m team husband for at least half the visit. I expect my husband to support me with his family. Here you just make a call beforehand if necessary and let them know. Hi mum, looking forward to the weekend! Dh and I are going to this restaurant Saturday night, would you and dad like to come too?

I think it sounds like them that are rude - you are expected to fall in with their plans, stop wherever they want to stop but if you stop then they go off without you? I am team DH for wanting to put my foot down. It's fair enough to go along with some plans but it sounds like there is never any discussion and you are expected to just fall in line.
I think you could compromise the weekend like others have said - if they want a picnic but you don't then say that. Likewise for a meal out of they say let's go to X, why not say we always go there, would love to go to Y again as not been there in a while.

I think if it is just a couple of weekends a year he needs to suck it up or stay at home. Or you could invite them all to you instead and he can come up with a programme of what you are all doing.
If he had a particular opinion on what he would like to do, could you not suggest that on his behalf and see what happens. It is odd that one person gets to dictate everything. Maybe suggest you plan a day each in terms of activity

But it’s ok when women do the same thing? OP says her SIL and Mum do the exact same thing as her DH which is where the main tension lies. They all sound a bit insufferable.

If you like him making decisions normally, then why wouldn’t he stick to that?

Your family sound like the overbearing ones here.

Guessing your husband has anxiety right? If you don't see your family much maybe you should do visits without him? They probably want to see you not him anyway.

The thing is how is your sil to know any different if your husband just acts happy. I couldn’t be doin with such a man child. If he wants to do something different tell him to speak up and say so.

For a couple of weekends a years, and considering you don’t mind yourself, I would tell my husband to suck it up.

Exactly this. Some people don’t have much spare time and want to organise something nice and get it booked.
OP, let your husband book and organise the next visit, including booking whatever it is. I hate when someone is organised enough to take the lead and get things done, then all the whinging starts. Your husband sounds like a big baby.

I’m not an organiser - I am an organisee and wouldn’t criticise plans made for me - unless it was an colonic irrigation or wingsuit flying lessons.

I usually have quite strong opinions about where I’m going and what I’m doing but if I go to stay with someone (or nearby so I can see them) I consider ‘host’s’ plans win.
They live there and I am happy for them to decide what we’re doing.
That doesn’t seem like people pleasing, it seems like what you do for say, six days of the year when you have 359 to choose for yourself.

Honestly it sounds a lot like SIL and BIL have money worries and can’t afford to eat out. Either that, or they are very tight.

Then tell him to shut up.
Tell him if he wants to complain to do it at the time or do it to a mirror but you wont be listening.

I would shut the grief down. His options are stay at home, or go with the flow. He can choose. He cannot expect to change a family dynamic and the reality is that there are 3 of them, so even if you back him, you are outvoted. If he doesn't like it, he shouldn't go. I would not listen to an adult man whinge to the point he is ruining your family time which is already v limited.

It sounds to me like the real issue is that your family are rude, dismissive and unwelcoming. This is resulting in your DH complaining about plans, and a lack of consideration from them. But really this is anout him not feeling considered or accepted by your family. And you are allowing resentment to build through your passivity OP. This is getting worse because you won't do anything about it.

What would happen if you suggested your brother and DH spent an afternoon doing an activity together, without anyone else there? What if you organised this yourself? How would everyone react?

I think your family need to make a bit more of an effort with your DH, and you also need to recognise that being so passive is making this issue snowball into a much bigger issue.

There's nothing wrong with making plans and taking the lead sometimes. If it's met with hostility, just go ahead and do your own thing anyway. I cannot understand how you're actually ok with how they behave towards you? They seem really quite rude, so I don't really undersrand why you wouldn't want to support your DH more.

I’m failing to see what the OP’s husband is doing to warrant being left behind?

The OP says she visits her mum a few times a year - it is certainly not unreasonable to want to also explore the area on those visits - eat out at some of the restaurants, visit the sites that you would enjoy, attend any events that may be on etc.

I’m with your husband OP. I couldn’t stand someone “putting on a spread” for me, or making me sandwiches to take out with me over grabbing lunch somewhere.

What would happen if you text your brother to say “DH and I are taking mum out to x restaurant on Saturday night, if you and SIL fancy joining us?” Or “Just make sandwiches for yourselves, DH and I are looking forward to trying y place for lunch”.

Would it really be that bad?

You need to use your voice