AIBU to leave my husband over his job?

[Poptart22]

Am I being unreasonable to end my marriage because my husband won’t change his job?

DH works away constantly, sometimes 3/4 nights per week. We have a 3 year old toddler, 3 large rescue dogs and 2 cats. I work a very demanding job that includes 2 evenings per week. The impact him being away has on me is huge. I have to manage every early wake-up and refusal to sleep from our 3 year old alone, feed everyone, walk the dogs, manage all the daily household jobs and still be present at work. I am constantly overwhelmed, overstimulated and in survival mode and it massively impacts my mental health. I barely sleep when he’s away. Lately due to my working late done nights, my elderly parents have been forced to come over and help out at my husbands request, which puts a massive strain on them. My father has hip problems and struggles to walk but has had to walk our dogs and my mother has had to help bath my son. My mother still works herself and is exhausted. We do have a dog walker 3 mornings a week but this is expensive and we can’t afford it on the evenings too.

I have repeatedly asked him to consider changing jobs as his current role is putting me under so much pressure. He refuses and is adamant he won’t quit.

When he does return I’m so full of resentment I don’t want to be near him, then he gets upset.

We have had 3 sessions of couples therapy but it’s done nothing to address the resentment.

I feel so over it and like I don’t matter.

That's why you find a "home help" rather than a cleaner. I specifically found someone who would do the tidying as well as the sorting. She did the laundry and ironed as well.

Does his job pay really well? Aside from all the logistics, that many pets and a toddler and household costs is I imagine pretty expensive.

you are working ft as well but it seems as if there isn't enough money to throw at solving the problems eg paying a dog walker.

his over nights are making it logistically difficult for you and in addition it doesn't seem that the financial trade off is worth it

@XelaM I don’t think anyone is being a dog hater, it’s just that they’re too big a commitment for this family. If anything, it was irresponsible to add a child to that.

Part of being a good pet owner is making sure you have the availability and lifestyle to look after them properly. I grew up with pets all my life and I miss having them, but I’m also very aware I’m at a stage where they wouldn’t fit into my routine. Sometimes we can’t have everything we’d like to.

Yet you’re asking your dad with hip problems to walk them on occasion and you’re so tired you’re contemplating breaking up your marriage with all the resultant negative effects that will have on your child?

This is madness OP.

@Poptart22 I can't believe some of the responses on here. Your husband regularly disappears off for work without a care in the world about his responsibilities at home. You are exhausted and stretched in his absence to look after the family that you both chose to have, and somehow you are the problem? And a solution here is to just dispose of your three dogs as they don't work for your situation anymore.. unbelievable. Just wanted to give you my support really, I massively respect you for treating the dogs as the family that they are, as this is how it should be. I don't think you're unreasonable at all to be fed up with your husband's absences. If it doesn't work within your family set up then he is being very selfish. Appreciate it's not always easy to get a new job, but it sounds like he doesn't even feel there is a need to try

But you will give up on.your marriage and break up your family? How do you think service families and oil rig workers manage?

The problem is the husband.
He gets to fuck off half the week, every week, whilst OP is full time parent, working, and running the home.

It doesn't matter about the animals, and no, she shouldn't have to rehome (i.e will get put to sleep, have you seen the state of animal rescue lately), because he put his wants over what was best for the family.

Why are women always expected to make changes and sacrifices, swapping her job, when her husband being away is not working, and actively causing his wife issues.

Absolutely I would leave him, if he knew what this was doing to me, and didn't care enough to make changes.

But otherwise no you wouldn’t be U to bin the selfish dick, assuming he’d be able to get another job ok. He’s probably loving life not having to do any family stuff

People here are being purposefully obtuse when saying to rehome the dogs. That still won't solve the problem which is that op is resentful of the twat for not pulling his weight, if she had to rehome the dogs because of him she'll be even more resentful.

And what if she is still overwhelmed and resentful, rehome the child then?

Op, since your parents are willing to help can you ask them to help out financially so you can pay a cleaner and a dog walker?

Or just make him step up while he is not away by pretending you have to work, but actually go have a break at your parents house.

This.

I’m sorry you are getting a hard time on here op. I sympathise, your H sounds a bit shit. You can’t sign up to responsibilities then just blithely opt out when you feel like it. In some ways maybe ending your marriage sounds like a good option, but resentment may be fuelling that thought. You need a serious conversation I think about how close you are to ending the marriage, and how does he feel about that, and what changes he is willing to make. He should never have taken a job with so much travel and is clearly very selfish.

Before you end up burnt out, please get a dog walker if finances allow it. I was in a similar situation after my split, 2 large dogs, 2 kids and a cat with a house to run and a full time job.

I got a dog walker and upped some of the hours with the kids childminder. It didn’t take away the full strain, but it helped massively.

Its really difficult when you’ve bonded and loved the dogs and I completely appreciate why you don’t want to rehome them, I didn’t rehome mine either but I was very close to burn out.

Find the right one!

Mine will empty the dishwasher, change the beds, pop a load of washing on the line…

we have a rule that if something is in the way and she doesn’t know where it goes, she puts it on the dining table. I come home to a clean house and a pile of things on the dining table that I need to tidy - takes me about 20 minutes most weeks.

Why do these threads always insist on rehoming pets!? Apart from animals being a part of a family, have any people actually tried to rehome pets? I had to rehome a dog once (for some v complex reasons). It took nearly 6 months for a suitable rescue space to come up, and that was just for one dog. Keeping 3 dogs together would be very hard.

The husband should be stepping up. He might find he’ll have to change jobs/apply for flexibility anyway if he’s sharing childcare after splitting. He should be doing that before it reaches that point, but at least you’ll get a proper break.

It really depends on your financial situation. We are in a very similar setup but depend on DH’s wage and the job market is pretty poor for him to look elsewhere. My earning capacity is not as high so I have gone PT which helps balance out the workload. I think one of you needs to reduce hours but it really depends on the finances.

I also think 90 mins of dog walking a day is madness no matter which came first.

Are you genuinely missing the point? Can you not see that a lot of this is of your own making?

You need help at home, elicit that help using wages earned by your DH. It's relatively easily sorted.

I was in exactly the same position as you, and I had a toddler and a baby BUT I didn't work. My dogs were my sanity. We were the adults and they supported me!
Firstly, drop the evening walk. Big dogs don't need the evening walk as well as an hour in the morning, especially as it starts to get hotter. I made taking the dogs in the morning part of our daily structure .. I took a pushchair and put my child on dog poo alert so they had a job. I managed with a lot of if-then-else structuring.. If I get decent sleep, I can grocery shop, else I will order online and have a nap while toddler plays.
Be kind to yourself, and realise you are in this alone so ditch the resentment (but tell him so he realises he is doing himself out of role).
Remember this too shall pass.
Funnily enough, my children remember those days really fondly because we did a lot of messing about in the woods and turning on a pin to do something they perceived as more fun (breakfast for dinner, or sitting room picnic because I didn't have the strength for cooking or even thinking about a meal for everyone).
You will get through this, and you will be stronger and more confident because of it, but you will love and respect your husband a little bit less..

@Poptart22 several have asked, please can you answer how much he does when he is at home? Is he an equal contributor when around?

If he's the main earner, maybe he contributes towards some help at home for you, such as a cleaner, dog walker, gardener or other domestic help. It's only fair, you can't cope with all of this on your own, nor should the parents be so involved, it's not fair on them either.

Don't know why you're catching so much heat OP. If he's away half the week every week he isn't fulfilling commitments in the home, he's putting you under way too much strain, so your son has an absent father and a stressed mother. He's being a selfish prick and the fact he refuses to change things shows he doesn't care about the impact on you & your child. It's amazing that some posters will tell you it's all your fault because you won't get rid of your dogs, but don't think your DH has a duty to do his share of childcare & housework. Sometimes I wonder if MN has been taken over by a load of MRAs and pick-me types.

I'd divorce him. You will, as you say, have the same workload but minus the resentment and anger, and with some actual downtime where he will be forced to actually spend some time with his child.

YANBU - your life has changed completely and he’s not acting like he’s responsible for the childcare really at all.
there is a normal period of adjustment but currently he’s made you default parent, without asking plus you’re working! @Poptart22 it’s the real gold digger behaviour to use up a woman’s time on free labour but also use her wage!

you can push back over time- case by case you just put things in the diary without asking, the same way he does. Then ask him for ones he puts in how he’s covering childcare coz you’re busy. Eventually it will shift to him asking you if something is ok.

decentre him and focus on you- in an ideal week what would it look like and how would you spend your time. I personally would reduce my hours at work and use money to make my life easier eg cleaner, dog walker, childminder once a week or nursery so I had a day/morning to sort things out. You shouldn’t have to do this but you’re with a partner who is making you- so instead of burn out this is a solution.

its really har. But you wouldn’t be unreasonable to leave him based on the fact he essentially lied about the job and an opting out of family life half the week without consultation.

Context:
Everyone saying rehome the pets… the situation works perfectly fine when he is working from home. I do most morning walks and he finishes at 5 and walks them in the evenings. Everyone is happy. But it’s him going away that causes the issue.

HE enlisted the help of my parents without consulting me, I have put a stop to this as I could see the impact it was having on them.

We did 7 rounds of IVF in my late 30’s and were unsuccessful; so we took on dogs instead. A miracle and much loved surprise then came along when I was 42. My son is my absolute world, but also my dogs were my babies first and to suggest just getting rid because my husband is now choosing to work away is incredibly unfair. A dog is for life.

He works in sales and could easily get a home based job, my opinion is that he doesn’t want to, because working away makes his life a lot easier. He only has to think of work, no cooking, no cleaning, no responsibilities. Staying in a nice hotel with undisturbed sleep, whilst I carry everything at home.

My job is my career and I run my own business. I have already changed jobs twice to fit in better with my family, as previously I was driving an hour to work, and now I get to work from home. So I have made the necessary adjustments to better suit my family and responsibilities, but he refuses.

I am put under immense pressure when he’s away and that’s why I’m resentful.

It reads like you'd keep your pets but lose time with your child if you were to split with him. I know which I'd choose.
Have you looked at balancing things by changing your job too?

OP ignore the bitchy comments questioning YOUR life choices.

If the person that is supposed to love and support you sees you drowning as a direct result of them, they have the power to change it but they do nothing about it? The relationship is done.

Keep the dogs, get rid of the man who is perfectly content to see you go under and you’ll be surprised how much energy and resilience you find to manage life when you aren’t living with a selfish man.

Also why is there so much emphasis on OP sorting everything? Dog walkers, family help, cleaners?? It’s not just the OPs job to sort it all out - and that’s obviously the heart of the problem. The husband doesn’t see any part of this as his role - hence the completely understandable anger and resentment.