AIBU to leave my husband over his job?

[Poptart22]

Am I being unreasonable to end my marriage because my husband won’t change his job?

DH works away constantly, sometimes 3/4 nights per week. We have a 3 year old toddler, 3 large rescue dogs and 2 cats. I work a very demanding job that includes 2 evenings per week. The impact him being away has on me is huge. I have to manage every early wake-up and refusal to sleep from our 3 year old alone, feed everyone, walk the dogs, manage all the daily household jobs and still be present at work. I am constantly overwhelmed, overstimulated and in survival mode and it massively impacts my mental health. I barely sleep when he’s away. Lately due to my working late done nights, my elderly parents have been forced to come over and help out at my husbands request, which puts a massive strain on them. My father has hip problems and struggles to walk but has had to walk our dogs and my mother has had to help bath my son. My mother still works herself and is exhausted. We do have a dog walker 3 mornings a week but this is expensive and we can’t afford it on the evenings too.

I have repeatedly asked him to consider changing jobs as his current role is putting me under so much pressure. He refuses and is adamant he won’t quit.

When he does return I’m so full of resentment I don’t want to be near him, then he gets upset.

We have had 3 sessions of couples therapy but it’s done nothing to address the resentment.

I feel so over it and like I don’t matter.

Sorry just saw last update.
Pay for a dog walker to ease things?

Thank you for understanding 💗

Thanks for the update @Poptart22 does his job have a good salary or is made up of low salary + commission?

just trying to understand if it is possible to throw money at some of the problems?

i am good friends with someone whose DH travels and works away regularly and she felt a similar level of resentment when her DD was a baby/toddler - he got to swan off and have unbroken sleep in a hotel and she was stuck working and juggling everything at home. It's better now her DD is older but the resentment never really went away...

Have you considered a dog walker op? i would imagine you might need one anyway if you split from DH and end up taking the dogs on full time?

I think you are getting an unfair bashing here OP with some crazy assumptions being made. I don’t think you need to consider rehoming your dogs or DH, just some help to work with the situation you’re in.

my DP works away a lot (leaves Sunday after bedtime come homes Saturday afternoon for about 3 months every year) so I am home doing everything (Dd-3 ds-1 and 1 dog).

here’s some of the things we have in place to make it more manageable.

everything just has to run like clockwork, I have a routine that I stick too. Eg empty the dishwasher and washing machine that has been on overnight as they eat breakfast. i have a robot hoover that keeps the dog hair under control that goes round every night.

I don’t do any “extra” housework, but I clean and tidy as I go to keep on top of as much as possible.

3year old plays with dog (fetch) uses breakfast kibble to do training (sit, lay down stand up) - obviously depends on your dogs behaviour around food this one. Move the walker to the middle of the day and only have 1 walk these days. Not ideal but it won’t harm them and they are getting stimulation from Dc.

shopping home delivered with a realistic meal plan of what I’m cooking each night - quick and easy, covers 2 nights. Takes away the mental load of dinner every night.

if your Dc isn’t at nursery (provided you are in England) you will get at least 1 likely 2 funded days per week (stretched) 15/30 hours term time that you could utilise for a day/s you are working to take some pressure off. Our nursery feeds them dinner too which is one less job.

if DC is waking in the night pop them in with you, don’t worry about sleep training and picking battles you don’t need to when your on your own, do what you need to do to get sleep.

most importantly though my DP pulls his weight and more when he is home.

im sorry your struggling it is hard but try to get a good routine you can get through on autopilot.

If he isn't around long enough to look after the dogs he won't be around long enough to have custody of your child much either. So you will still doing 90% of the childcare, and you will still be in a state of anger and resentment. I can't see how it will solve anything in practical terms, and it'll presumably make it more difficult financially.

Ignore the nasty comments, OP, there are a lot of pathetic little bullies on here. Would it be feasible in your husband's line of work for him to get a new job working away much less or not at all? If so, then he's being very unreasonable to not try and find one. You're not unreasonable at all to feel resentful in this situation. It might be worth thinking through exactly what you feel you would need from him going forward in order to make the marriage work, then sitting him down, telling him exactly how you feel, and giving him an ultimatum. It might be him doing his best to find a new job, or something like him taking on the vast majority of the domestic duties when he's at home in order to give you a break, or him doing without non essential purchases in order to afford paid help for you when he's away. Or if you decide you do want to leave that's perfectly legitimate. For plenty of women being a single mum is far preferable to having to do all the work of a single mum and also having to put up with a man who just creates more work and doesn't pull his weight. Best of luck with whatever you decide. 🙂

You haven’t said much about your husband’s job - how lucrative it is, how much you all depend on that level of income and how easy it would be to find another one. Those practicalities will dictate whether him moving jobs is feasible (and he just doesn’t want to) or a pipe dream.

If him moving jobs is genuinely not realistic between you as a couple you need to agree how you will manage the home. As I see it your options are:

• you reduce your hours (don’t know whether this is realistic)
• you hire in help - dog walker, cleaner, gardener, babysitter
• you divorce and lose the resentment but still end up doing everything and with less money because the pair of you are now having to fund two households.

I have a husband who is absent large chunks of the week on a regular basis. It only works because I wfh 3 days a week, outsource most of the domestic stuff and when he’s home he takes over all the household stuff. It’s hard but can be workable.

I have 2 kids and no pets. I’d love a dog but there’s no way I could throw pets into the mix on top of everything else. I appreciate you got the pets before his job changed and you had your baby so you didn’t know you were going to be in this situation but I agree it’s unsustainable. The thought of having animals to care for on top of everything I already do makes me want to lie down!

When you're single and on your own there is no help and you know this so you just get on with it.
When you're married you expect help and when it isn't forthcoming resentment eats away at you. My best friend had four children, 2 dogs and a husband who always insisted he had to work nights which left her WFH and managing everything else. He did absolutely F ALL during the week & wouldn't change his sleep patern in the weekend.
When she divorced him, i saw a huge change in her for the good. She got the weekends to herself due to the custody agreement and 2 weeks in the 6 weeks holidays when he took their children to his family who lived by the seaside. She was a married single mother.

Hang on, they both contributed to creating it yes but then he’s walked away. Thats why the op is so resentful. Their child their pets their life is her responsibility because he started travelling for work. The resentment is eating you alive op and I don’t blame you. Have you discussed separating and does he think he’d just never see the dogs again?

As he walks the dogs most evenings, and you work two nights a week, how on earth is the dog walking situation going to improve if you throw him out?

I’m not a dog owner but can sympathise with how you feel, dogs are part of the family and you took on the commitment before your DH took on this job and had your surprise baby.

I would definitely have a chat with DH about how you’re feeling and changes that would make your life easier. Perhaps a cleaner and dog walker like others have suggested? Would suggest trying to fix your 3 year olds sleeping habits too and make a conscious effort to look into that a bit more.

It is obviously unfair for you to be doing everything.

If it were me I’d just be honest with DH and give him an ultimatum he needs to step up and help out and help hire cleaner dog Walker etc or you’re done

You won't give up the pets but you will give up the marriage. Best of luck.

@Poptart22
You are getting a hard time because something has to give and divorcing your husband won't fix what ails you.

The dogs are the element of your life with the most "flex". You have 5 which isnt compatible with most people having 2 x full time obs let alone 2 ft jobs both of which involves non standard hours plus a toddler.

I'd choose to give up my pets before I chose giving up my marriage and raising my child in 2 homes.

Fwiw I agree with
@AD1509
Rehome the pets, get a cleaner, drop the 3 year old off with the parents so at least they can be comfortable in their own home whilst watching the child.

Nobody needs three dogs. Nobody.

Where has your additional evening work come from? Is there any way DH cannot be away, say Mon, Tues, and you work late those evenings, or diaries be scheduled enough in advance so your evenings and his travel don't clash?

You still won't be able to cover childcare and dogs if you are single, so while the resentment would go, the workload wouldn't change.

I've also done the "fitting a job around DHs". We've made it work, but he earns twice what I do. But equally, I do put travel bans in place for him on particularly crazy weeks - like this one, where DS needs dropping off somewhere other than school each day.

You are missing the point, rehome the dogs = making less work and commitment and freeing up time. If you dont want to do that, buy in help

Nobody needs a husband. Especially one opting out of family life. Nobody

I can’t believe the number of people saying rehome the pets not the husband. OP, I totally agree that if nothing else you’d be free of resentment without him. The resentment is exhausting and a huge part of your MH issues. I had the same with my DH. Then he had an illness that ended his career (he was 60 so close to retirement anyway). He had to give up work. It saved our marriage. There is no way I could have carried on being the only one doing it all. The resentment alone would have made me ill. We also have three dogs and there’s no way I’d rehome them because DH couldn’t step up and help enough.

His job is important, as presumably is yours, OP. You say you won't rehome your animals - fair enough, but you have to live with the consequences. I presume you also chose to have a child, so I'm not sure what you expected in terms of being busy.
Maybe stop blaming your husband, stop relying on your elderly parents and start putting in some practical changes - a cleaner, would be a good start, as would employing a dog walker.

I am a bit shocked by his behaviour to your parents. He seems irresponsible. He takes on commitments and then expects other people (you, your parents) to deal with them, with no regard for their abilities.

You should seriously think about the worst-case scenarios. Maybe if you split up he will want to share custody of your son. But maybe he wont, or maybe it wont work on top of everything else. After all, you didn't think he would decide to work away and then refuse to get another job. But he did. Maybe he will find another woman and she will fall pregnant, accidentally or deliberately without telling him. I hope none of that happens but there's no way to be sure. He may not want more children in your current setup but with a lower pressure lifestyle with a different woman he could chnage his mind.

And having read your last post about the timeline it sounds as if it's all got too much for him at home and he's opting out. The job is also his excuse to opt out. If things keep on there's a fair chance he will leave you.

Both of you need to find some way to ease off the pressure on both of you at home. It can't only be about him stepping up more because I'm getting a strong vibe that he wont.

But what if you just want your husband to actually step up and be present for his wife and child? Why should his job and his personal priorities come first? Marriage is a partnership. OP wasn't properly informed about the impact of his promotion and didn't consent to. Why should the solution be paying another woman to do the housework and pick up his slack when that's only half the issue at hand?

It sounds tough. Its always tough when the kids are tiny, no matter how many pets you have or how many nights your husband works away.

The important thing is to share the load when he is around. Do not get resentful it will kill your relationship.

There needs to be compromise from both sides. Why is it all on him to change job? Have you considered you could do that too? You need to be able to work around each other when you have young children. Get a dog walker, use a babysitter to help with nighttime’s when you are working. It sounds disorganised and overwhelming. As a single parent it’s less stressful in some ways but you still have to agree to work around each other which doesn’t always work! Particularly as that’s an issue currently.

Does your husband know you are considering leaving him over the situation. Could you talk to him, get counselling?
I find it so sad that you did seven rounds of IVF and now you have your miracle baby you’re considering splitting.

Did you both want the dogs or does he consider them yours?

How easy would it be for him to find a new job?