AIBU to leave my husband over his job?

[Poptart22]

Am I being unreasonable to end my marriage because my husband won’t change his job?

DH works away constantly, sometimes 3/4 nights per week. We have a 3 year old toddler, 3 large rescue dogs and 2 cats. I work a very demanding job that includes 2 evenings per week. The impact him being away has on me is huge. I have to manage every early wake-up and refusal to sleep from our 3 year old alone, feed everyone, walk the dogs, manage all the daily household jobs and still be present at work. I am constantly overwhelmed, overstimulated and in survival mode and it massively impacts my mental health. I barely sleep when he’s away. Lately due to my working late done nights, my elderly parents have been forced to come over and help out at my husbands request, which puts a massive strain on them. My father has hip problems and struggles to walk but has had to walk our dogs and my mother has had to help bath my son. My mother still works herself and is exhausted. We do have a dog walker 3 mornings a week but this is expensive and we can’t afford it on the evenings too.

I have repeatedly asked him to consider changing jobs as his current role is putting me under so much pressure. He refuses and is adamant he won’t quit.

When he does return I’m so full of resentment I don’t want to be near him, then he gets upset.

We have had 3 sessions of couples therapy but it’s done nothing to address the resentment.

I feel so over it and like I don’t matter.

Surely you get rid of the dogs before the husband?

We have a rescue lurcher. The distress he went through coming to us even from a home that was neglectful and abusive was massive. I could never put him through that again.

I completely understand your stance on the dogs.

I've only read your updates, OP (and therefore the comments you've quoted) but I'm actually flabbergasted by the pile on you seem to be getting. I completely agree with you - he is being monumentally selfish and the anger and resentment you are feeling is understandable (and must also be terrible to suffer). I would be having very serious conversations about splitting if I were you.

This has been answered. Technically the job came first however it was a very different WFH job. They had the pets, then the baby and THEN the Husband took a promotion whereby it changed from work from home to lots of travel (and the amount of travel wasnt disclosed at the time of him taking the promotion)

No, we don't have his side, we can only judge whether OP is unreasonable or not on what she's told us, and if she has lied she won't get good advice.

Sorry just re read to say you can’t afford. I wonder if the money would be better redirected at a cleaner ir babysitter as imagine a dog walk helps you to unwind.

If I’m completely honest, life should be manageable with 1 child and a few pets as a single parent. So I’d be looking at why it isn’t rather than divorcing - I don’t think this is about his job.

Once your child is sleeping, it will be a game changer. Presumably you’ve taken all appropriate steps to manage this?

Do you both suitably prepare for the week beforehand - meal plans, supermarket shop, pre prepped food ie slow cooker / one pot to go in oven?

Do you have allocated time to yourself where you are not default parent?

Are you looking after yourself/ eating right - that can have a huge impact on mood and overwhelmedness.

Is your house appropriately organised so that things don’t unravel quickly?

Are you suitably separating home and work life or are you always ‘on’ - it’s hard to do when your own business.

HOWEVER these are all things I would expect to be thinking about as a couple - not for him to run off and you pick up the pieces.

IMO you are looking at this all wrong.

You both work... Your parents weren't forced to help BY him. They helped because you were BOTH at work. BOTH of you. He works and you work so yes sometimes you need help. If it isn't your parents then you need to outsource.... this is pretty standard in 2 income households.

You say you'll never remove your dogs because you love them. That's great in theory but you can't take care of them, you outsource seem walks, your elderly father with hip problems has to do other walks, you both work, have a young child who no doubt is full on. You can't have it all and you can't possibly be giving them the attention they deserve.

Your husband works away... working, not off in holidays, working. How do you expect him to care for the ridiculous amount of animals you took on when he isnt physically there? Life evolves and sometimes it is better for everyone if things change.

In this climate I can't imagine asking my husband to quit his job, or I'll leave him. Like go ahead and leave.... but how will that help you? You'll have less financially and still have all the stress and your poor parents will still be taking the brunt?

I'm shocked at the responses. If OP's husband had even looked at another person it would be LTB but when he is not being a parent and a partner to OP it's her fault? There are lots of ways to break marriage vows.

OP the resentment won't go away unless he takes accountability. It doesn't mean there are not changes to be made on both sides but you are not wrong to feel resentful.

I honestly don't think splitting up is the answer. It will almost certainly have a negative impact on your child.

If he won't agree to changing jobs (and the job market is dire at the moment), then he needs to find a way to fund more help for you.

You seem to be coping remarkably well - your child is happy, your animals are well-cared for. Your original post doesn't really give this impression as you describe yourself as sleep deprived and your mental health being negatively impacted.

Poor sleep in children goes in phases - your ds may well be picking up on your stress (that's tricky to avoid - if you're stressed, you're stressed).

Making huge life decisions when you are so stressed is usually a bad idea. Most couples, especially those with young children, go through bad patches. You do seem to be carrying a lot of the load, but constant travelling for work is stressful too. Your ds is 3. He'll be starting nursery and then school soon. Things should get easier then.

In the meantime, try to get more childcare and more help with your dogs.

I don’t understand why you have five animals.

It seems like both you and your husband are incapable of making decisions for the benefit of your family.

What a weird, weird post. Most three year olds have a stronger will than an exhausted adult, sure you can break it if you want, but that's not good parenting.

And I would never normally be so didactic, but since you haven't scrupled to dictate to OP, I will tell you that sleep training is shitty and you are giving bad advice.

We don't know that leaving her husband will leave her with all the same responsibilities except a lot less money.

She would get half the assets, child maintenance, and her own wage. She might also be elegable for some benefits/other help. She might even find a partner who actually sticks to his promises.

I suggested marriage counselling first though as hopefully it would help him see the pressure he's put on his wife.

Or, it was disclosed but neither of them understood how tough it would be. It isn't only men who rewrite history. Or, the company underplayed how much travel there would be (been there, took a supposedly 100% office based job, was on the road 3 nights/week).

I don't think this is as straightforward as the husband is an awful family shirking bastard. It is easy to sit here and assume he could walk into a new WFH role at the same level, but none of us know his industry and age is sadly no longer on his side (however much it shouldn't impact, we all know it does).

But how is he not being a parent / partner?
He works full time and pays 2/3rds of the bills, everything is great when he's home he pulls his weight, he SOMETIMES works away for 3/4 days at a time.

On the other side the OP runs her own business therefore chooses her own hours. Works 3 days a week, 2 of which are evenings. The child is either in nursery or with her parents for 3 days. Why does the OP choose to work evenings the weeks her husband is away? She contributes only 1/3 to the bills.

It sounds like he shouldn’t have taken the promotion. It’s the change in routine (the travel) caused by the promotion that has caused the issue.

What was the discussion and agreement about the promotion at the time? Did you both think it would work and it’s just been different to what was expected?

There’s a difference between lying and a perspective on something. I’m sure there’s things in my marriage that my DH sees differently.

For example, the OP’s DH might ( and it’s a might obviously) feel the dogs are more OP’s dogs, he might feel under financial pressure, he might prefer the 3 year old go into childcare and the Op work regular hours and earn more, he might feel under pressure to provide for his other child, feel he needs to increase his salary to build up his pension etc etc.

Running a business doesn't mean I get to choose my own hours. Again, another inaccurate assumption. I have to see clients and unfortunately many of them can only make evenings. I wish I could reduce my hours but not able to financially at the moment.

And your husband doesn't get to choose his hours.

I just can't fathom why it's all his fault.

The only sensible option is to re-home the dogs.

I honestly mean this kindly....2 cats and 3 dogs is honestly far too much work and dedication for the circumstances you are in. There is absolutely no way I could cope with husband working away consistently and working full time and 5 animals and limited family support. know it's hard but the logical thing to do is to rehome some of the pets. Not ideal I know but sometimes circumstances change and you have to be really honest about what you can cope with. You're heading for a break down right now if something doesn't change fast.

I think this is really important info and would help ppl to repsond in a kinder way than your original post OP. Him choosing a job to work away after you' d had the dogs for ages and a surprise pregnancy afterwards seems like a betrayal to me tbh. He may have just thought about the income.maybe? But the extra income should be able to cover the costs of a dogwalker for you when he's away at the very least. If he hasn't been motivated by financial worries, then I'd want to know why he is so motivated to he away from pets and a child he said he wanted? Has he changed his mind basically and chosen to absent himself in a more acceptable way? I think you have serious problems here and if he is refusing to address them and leaving you exhausted, then your relationship is no longer a relationship tbh....

No matter how he feels about it, he agreed to get the pets. He agreed to have a child. She did not agree to him working away and leaving her with the extra work.

He is not forced to stay in a job that involves so much time away from his family and young child. If someone offered me a job working away from my baby for all the money in the world, I'd tell them to stick it. I have responsibilities. And so does he.

His current job is not compatible with OUR family that we BOTH took on together.

But you could get a job with more regular hours. If your 3 year old was in nursery and you had your evenings free to walk the dogs etc you’d probably feel under less pressure.

But you seem married to a single way of seeing the picture that your DH caused all of this whereas a multitude of factors caused this.

I agree - it's the anger and resentment that makes the overwhelm/overstimulation/exhaustion genuinely unbearable, like you're going insane.

Without that you would just be plain exhausted, and that's much more straightforward and unemotional.

I also think that the day/s when the children will be with him are enough to get a bit of a recharge - even if it's still a working day for you, not having to talk/think/cook/plan on those days is restorative.