AIBU to leave my husband over his job?

[Poptart22]

Am I being unreasonable to end my marriage because my husband won’t change his job?

DH works away constantly, sometimes 3/4 nights per week. We have a 3 year old toddler, 3 large rescue dogs and 2 cats. I work a very demanding job that includes 2 evenings per week. The impact him being away has on me is huge. I have to manage every early wake-up and refusal to sleep from our 3 year old alone, feed everyone, walk the dogs, manage all the daily household jobs and still be present at work. I am constantly overwhelmed, overstimulated and in survival mode and it massively impacts my mental health. I barely sleep when he’s away. Lately due to my working late done nights, my elderly parents have been forced to come over and help out at my husbands request, which puts a massive strain on them. My father has hip problems and struggles to walk but has had to walk our dogs and my mother has had to help bath my son. My mother still works herself and is exhausted. We do have a dog walker 3 mornings a week but this is expensive and we can’t afford it on the evenings too.

I have repeatedly asked him to consider changing jobs as his current role is putting me under so much pressure. He refuses and is adamant he won’t quit.

When he does return I’m so full of resentment I don’t want to be near him, then he gets upset.

We have had 3 sessions of couples therapy but it’s done nothing to address the resentment.

I feel so over it and like I don’t matter.

You say you have changed your job but still work 2 evenings a week - why does your evening work trump his working away. Both are not really helping the situation you are in now with the dogs and baby. Yes you have made changes and he hasn't but why make a change to working evenings if DH is working away half the week.

The only solutions if he isn't willing to change is job are remove a stress factor (working late, dogs or DH) or accept help from family.
Its not awful to say rehome the dogs. Dogs deserve to live in a stress free environment and not be resented for needing to be walked as much as a child deserved to like in a stress free and loving environment. Sometimes rehoming them is better for them.

If you want to stay married, then you need to remove something. If you aren't willing to do that and don't want to stay married, leaving your DH will improve the situation.

OP, sorry you're getting grief from the many ppl who just like to rage bait these days. The posters saying re-home your animals are just trying to get a reaction so try to ignore them although I know it's hard when they're goading. It's very clear you love your pets and I could see you were a dedicated pet owner even from your first post - the ppl saying re-home, it says more about them than you.

MN can be really supportive at its best and a cesspit of bullies and ppl looking for an online scrap at its worst.

It does sound like your DH should find a different job, I'd also not be happy if my fella was away half the week, it's always been important to me to have support through the week and your feelings are valid.

Hoping you can find a path forward that works for you x

It must be hard work keeping 3 large dogs separated from a toddler whilst giving them all the attention they need, so well done for that. I'm not sure I'd be brave enough to keep rescue dogs with a baby/small child, especially large ones from abroad where you won't necessarily have their full history, but that's just me.

I can see why your H's first marriage failed if this is his attitude to family life. If he's away 4 nights a week he's not seeing that much of your child now, so separating shouldn't make that much difference to your DS (assuming your H steps up and has him some days a week). I too would consider leaving him, but you'd still have the challenges of coping with the child, the dogs, work and life by yourself. I would resent a man who expected me to carry everything and then want me to be affectionate when he returns, so at least you'd be free of that. Good luck whatever you decide.

But you’re prepared to give up on a marriage?

What does your DH do? Is it possible for him to adjust his job or go part-time so he cuts the time away?

There are a lot of practical suggestions, but from your responses, it seems to me you just want rid of your DH. If that’s the case, own it.

So sorry you've had so many awful, negative responses OP.

I completely understand where you're coming from and would feel exactly the same.

You have hit the nail on the head here:

He works in sales and could easily get a home based job, my opinion is that he doesn’t want to, because working away makes his life a lot easier. He only has to think of work, no cooking, no cleaning, no responsibilities. Staying in a nice hotel with undisturbed sleep, whilst I carry everything at home.

He has opted out of family life because it's easier for him. The travel was probably a big perk of the promotion for him. He has most of every week "off".

If he refuses to listen to you, understand your distress and discuss ways forward that would benefit all of you, then I think you would most definitely be better off without him.

Thankfully you've married him, so every penny he earns is equally yours. See a good solicitor and get your ducks in a row. I doubt he'll change.

All the best OP.

You don’t know that the OP will probably be much happier.
OP - I think it’s easy to be wound up by people on MN agreeing with you. But that don’t actually know your full circumstances and they won’t be there to pick up the pieces.

Id very much encourage you to ride this phase out, your child will get older very quickly, my 8 year old showers himself, puts himself to bed etc. It gets easier quickly enough.

If you survived failed IVF you’ve been through a lot with this man, try to work it out.

You are a judgemental bully who has shown no empathy to OP and I hope ppl treat you better when you need help. Shame on you

Gosh some of the responses on here are very very harsh!
I don’t understand why rehoming the dogs is the first suggestion for everyone.
different situation but I was chatting to a friend yesterday about the division of house labour and jobs. Ultimately there is no “right” split and what works for every family is different, and each family needs to establish its priorities and ideally everyone agree.

does your husbands job earn significantly more than yours? I don’t agree that salary is always the barometer for the importance of a job but if his job would enable you to either take a step back in yours or outsource some of the work then that should be a priority.

Can you split up the labour so that the days he’s not working away he does xyz, everytime so you don’t have to think about it.

with the dogs, do they actually need an additional walk in the evening? Could this be cut, or it’s done every few days. I have two big dogs myself and they absolutely don’t “need” two walks a day, although understand every breed and every dog is different.

what is your husbands suggestion to deal with this all when you raise it with him?

This.

Why have three large dogs and two cats if you don’t have the time and energy for them. Just concentrate on you and your child. It seems a bit drastic for him to change jobs over this.

But her workload is because of the dogs , theee large rescues and a child and a full time job is hard to manage with or without a partner so it’s reasonable to say you actually can’t mange the dogs on top of everything else . Or stop moaning about them.

What came first the job or the baby and pets?

You're not being unreasonable, OP. He's checked himself out of the responsibility of your shared family life. You should do what's best for the rest of you.

Jesus you’re getting a hard time and I don’t know why? You have changed jobs twice, you are carrying the house in terms of domestic and emotional labour, you are doing all the childcare and animal care… I’d be fuming. You are supposed to be a team and working together whereas it seems like you are doing everything for him and your son but he’s only doing it for himself. Divorce. The resentment is palpable and justified and even if you’re still left carrying the load, you’ll be free of him which will make you feel lighter. My husband earns all the money as I’m a SAHM, not once have I thought he was ‘carrying’ me like some people have said in here. I’m doing all the behind the scenes stuff so he can work, if anything I’m bloody carrying him. Ignore the absolute muppets making you feel bad for having pets and daring to have a child in your 40s. It sounds exhausting and I would feel exactly the same as you.

Because there were 2 people in the house who agreed to get them and look after them, but one of those people has now up and left for half of the week.

She is getting abuse because she chose all of this. She wants it all but nobody can have it all, AND a selfish husband. It doesn’t compute.

She didn't choose for her husband to change jobs so he's away for half of the week.

Yes and the preference would be for him to change jobs. But if he won’t then OP can only control her behaviour and choices not his - leaving him won’t make her life less stressful. Rehoming animals would. Of course if she doesn’t want to be with him either way she should leave.

First off, you're a decent person. I can't believe the amount of idiotic and insensitive advice on here suggesting that you re-home the pets. Disgusting. They're your family (I know, because when in a similar situation I would rather have been homeless with my dog than without her).

Now, it's clear that you need an extra pair of hands. If it is feasible to keep the husband, he should be the one to pay for a nanny or au-pair, plus the dog walker. He's physically not there, so it's the least he can do.

If that's not an option (sorry if I missed something, I haven't read all the posts), you are right to get rid of him - you won't be better off physically, but as you well pointed out, you won't have the mental load and resentment. If he were to have joint custody, that would clear out your schedule (but I wouldn't bank on that tbh).

Timewise, this is the most challenging period and you're almost on the other side of it - once your little one starts school, you'll be able to book them into breakfast club and after-school club, which will make things easier all around.

Wishing you the best. ❤️

For most normal people animals are part of the family and you don't just give up on them because their other carer has.

Me neither. I kept large breed dogs all my life often having 2-3 at the same time, they were all regimentally trained and no ounce of slack given because I knew how powerful large dogs can be. There's no way in hell I'd have walked 3 at once, nevermind with a child that I had to be responsible for.

I used to walk four large dogs at once with a buggy with two children in it. I managed just fine. I currently walk five large dogs at once, sometimes six. I manage perfectly fine. It's called being a competent and capable owner.

The problem here is OP's husband, not the dogs.

@Poptart22 this in MN where having a dog and a child and being a working parent makes you the spawn of Satan. You should never have mentioned the dogs tbh - you've just created a pile on.

Honestly, having multiple dogs and young children and a husband who isn't around is hard (and literally no one will get that better than me - I've had over 20 years of it!). It relies on an excellent support network which, being honest, it doesn't sound like you have.

Ultimately, if you're better off divorcing him then you should - you're 100% right that no child deserves to grow up in a family where one parent resents the other for checking out or not pulling their weight. Your DH, and his unilateral and selfish decision making, is the problem here.

I've mostly only read OP's posts. At least the vote shows that OP is not unreasonable. I can't understand why people are so vile.

Of course rehoming the dogs isn't a consideration at this point, and it probably never will be.

Hopefully the realisation that OP is prepared to end the marriage over this will shock him into making the necessary changes to appreciate his wife and keep this family together.

How financially secure are you. Can you just throw money at this to make life easier for you?

Cleaner, Dog Walker, Babysitter etc

Because he went for a job promotion. We don’t have the full background on that but promotions where I work are scarce and it’s like the Hunger Games getting one.

Maybe he felt they needed the financial cushion of more money, he has two kids to pay for and bills keep going up.

Maybe the dogs are more the OP’s dogs than his and he wanted her to have them if she wanted them.

We don’t have his perspective, but bills are going up, AI is looming and he’s not a young man. Maybe going for a promotion made sense.

No you don’t. Unless you’re going to have a breakdown because you’re so overwhelmed by all of your responsibilities that your elderly, infirm father is having to walk 3 large dogs at times. I am not saying that is OPs fault, her husband has dropped the ball here. But she’s saying the responsibilities are all too much. She can’t drop her parenting responsibilities of course, or work. So all that leaves is the animals. Re-homing is a last desperate choice but it is one that can be made.

Leaving her husband will leave her with all the same responsibilities except a lot less money.