AIBU to leave my husband over his job?

[Poptart22]

Am I being unreasonable to end my marriage because my husband won’t change his job?

DH works away constantly, sometimes 3/4 nights per week. We have a 3 year old toddler, 3 large rescue dogs and 2 cats. I work a very demanding job that includes 2 evenings per week. The impact him being away has on me is huge. I have to manage every early wake-up and refusal to sleep from our 3 year old alone, feed everyone, walk the dogs, manage all the daily household jobs and still be present at work. I am constantly overwhelmed, overstimulated and in survival mode and it massively impacts my mental health. I barely sleep when he’s away. Lately due to my working late done nights, my elderly parents have been forced to come over and help out at my husbands request, which puts a massive strain on them. My father has hip problems and struggles to walk but has had to walk our dogs and my mother has had to help bath my son. My mother still works herself and is exhausted. We do have a dog walker 3 mornings a week but this is expensive and we can’t afford it on the evenings too.

I have repeatedly asked him to consider changing jobs as his current role is putting me under so much pressure. He refuses and is adamant he won’t quit.

When he does return I’m so full of resentment I don’t want to be near him, then he gets upset.

We have had 3 sessions of couples therapy but it’s done nothing to address the resentment.

I feel so over it and like I don’t matter.

It's a privilege to get to spend time with your child not a sacrifice surely?

He pays 2/3 of all household expenses. Works FT, you work PT. You need him more than he needs you.

you have animals that are causing you distress—> you’re not willing to change anything to do with them

single life is fucking hard—> you’re willing to go through that but again, not change what’s exhausting you- the dogs!

you can’t have it all.

No idea why so many people want to get the boot into the OP. Her H has opted out of family life and left her with all their joint responsibilities. Why on earth should she just suck it up?

If you are asking your husband to change his job, have you considered changing yours?

This will sound stupid but can you take a break from work and he supports you all? If he wont quit that might be the only way. Re the dogs that might be the way if they aren't going anywhere

I don't think you're entitled to have your DH work from home because you have dogs.

He's supporting you taking a step back from work in order to have the life you want. You're only working half the time.

I don't think the set up you describe would be very healthy with you both working from home when there is so much toxicity between you.

It sounds like you're using the dog walker for the mornings you're working but then have nothing left to pay a dog walker for the times that would allow him to work on.

Life changes. It's clear you don't have time for your dogs, work and a child and nothing about getting rid of him would really alter that.

How your child will be affected if the marriage fails is a more significant question than how the dogs would fare. He will be going between households for longer than their life span.

You don't have to walk the dogs at 5pm you can walk them at 3pm with your son and later you can get them outside in your garden (which I'm assuming you have) and throw balls so they can run off excess energy before bed.

It's not rocket science. No need to damage elderly people in the process either.

If the dogs were your DH’s decision your concerns would be valid. They seem to be your choice though - not a sensible one in a household with a young child and one parent regularly working away unless you can pay for a dog walker every evening.

It is completely ridiculous to contemplate breaking up your family because you have too many animals

Rehome the dogs. They are a significant cause of stress and life would be easier without them. It would also be kinder to them. Then review the situation with the cats. They are IMO much easier but see how things go.

Work on sorting out your child's sleep.

Obviously your husband does need to step up and help when he is at home. But it's not so easy to change jobs right now.

I think if you had explained the home situation and said is DH being unreasonable for changing jobs to one involving so much travel then you would have very different responses.

Your DH is very selfish to change the arrangements after the dc and pets were established and lie about it and then find the cheapest and laziest solution that costs him nothing but is completely impractical and doesnt work.

I am not sure I could forgive him, but I think you have limited choices, get extra help, make him understand and change or bury him under the patio or end up having exhaustion

I would rehome the animals as a start. Look into child care options like a nanny.

So you work from home and walk the dogs etc when he’s about. It’s just when he’s away. Which is how often ?
3/4 nights every week or more like 1-3 every week and then some weeks more

what is your role that you work days but also have to work 2 evenings

the evenings you work - what hours are they ?

I would get a dog walker and nanny/babysitter if you don’t want parents to babysit

then walk the dogs yourself in am before work /with child or at lunchtime alone

YANBU OP. He could get a WFH job or work closer to home.

Most parents would not want to be away from their 3yo and wife 3-4 nights a week, and would do anything they could to avoid this situation.

As for the dogs, I have a rescue galgo from abroad so I understand why you wouldn’t consider rehoming. I wonder if they walk well enough that you could take them out with your son at the same time?

Would it be cheaper to put your son in nursery full-time (I assume you already get the 30 free hrs), and change your job up to full time? Then you could cancel the dog walkers.

Whenever you ask for money he has none. Sounds like you don’t have joint financial oversight and no idea what happens to his salary - this, combined with his selfish prioritisation of his easy life over you and your son and no wonder you are questioning his commitment.

i think it’s crazy people are suggesting everything has to be organised around his job, even down to getting rid of pets you had long before. Fuck his job frankly. It should not be the most important thing in any of your lives

I know you think divorce might be the answer and he will want to see his child.

How is that going to work?

He will still be working away during the week and you will still have your child and the dogs in the week. He will see his child on the weekends when it is fun time, no school runs, no daily grind. His CMS contribution will be nothing compared to the salary he currently puts into the family pot.

He won't suddenly change jobs because he is divorced, in fact it gives him more freedom.

You need to sit him down and talk to him how this isn't working for you anymore. Hopefully he decides to pull back on the travelling but he probably really enjoys it.

My Dad worked away for weeks at a time, the novelty wore off after years of hotel rooms, airports, the same colleagues etc but at first it was all great and exciting.

The Husband is helping to keep a roof over the OP, and her child. The dogs are adding more stress, imo. I would not be getting shot of the Husband, if I were the OP!

Are you sure he's not hiding money from you?

@Poptart22 so sorry you’re getting all of these horrible negative comments. I bet you get a lot more affection from your pets than your opted out husband. He’s the one who needs rehoming not them. Well done to you for holding everything together. You’d be better off without him for sure. Best of luck. Xx

You lost me at '3 large rescue dogs' OP. That's far too much even without all the other stuff.

I choose to work less days to spend time with my son

So you could use childcare and work more routine hours? Or at least not have to work evenings? Would that increase household income, allow for a dog walker/cleaner etc. It may seem counterintuitive, but working more could make it easier if it provides for outsourcing.

Have you actually asked him his perspective on what is going on? It is easy to see it as him swanning off having a lovely time in hotels. How does he see it? Does he see it as a necessary sacrifice to support you all? And because of his age, has the fear about switching company, or being sidelined if he does less?

Life with young kids is always hard and doing it in your 40s/50s harder than in your 20s/30s. It is easy to let resentment in on both sides. Sometimes we have to step back and look bigger picture. Is this just a really tough phase that will get better as your son gets older?

It's coming across that you resent him so much that you wouldn't be happy whatever his job.

If he got lower paid local work, how would you afford two adults, a 3 year old, three dogs and two cats ?

Have you noticed a MN thing regarding hating dogs? I agree, they're family. I also presume they actually help with your sanity, going for a walk really helps lift the spirits, esp a dog walk.
I don't think it's a dog issue, it's a husband issue. He's happy to leave everything to you. When he is home, does he muck in properly and help give you a break? If he doesn't then changing jobs may not help.

I would take a very realistic view of what you need to get rid of if you are overwhelmed.

I would keep the child and get rid of the rest. You can’t have it all.

OP would have a higher workload if they live separately. As currently her DH shares dog-walking when he’s there. But she says dogs would stay 100% of time with her. So, she’d have to do 100% of dog walking, even when unwell, DS with her etc.

She’s also likely to have little money for dog-walkers if she lives alone. As she’d have to pay for all her household expenses on 3.5 days a week earnings if her son is with her 50/50. Mortgage interest, rents, energy, food, transport costs (whether car or public) all likely to increase a fair bit over coming years. Careful financial projections needed to make a decision of how she’d manage financially.