AIBU to leave my husband over his job?

[Poptart22]

Am I being unreasonable to end my marriage because my husband won’t change his job?

DH works away constantly, sometimes 3/4 nights per week. We have a 3 year old toddler, 3 large rescue dogs and 2 cats. I work a very demanding job that includes 2 evenings per week. The impact him being away has on me is huge. I have to manage every early wake-up and refusal to sleep from our 3 year old alone, feed everyone, walk the dogs, manage all the daily household jobs and still be present at work. I am constantly overwhelmed, overstimulated and in survival mode and it massively impacts my mental health. I barely sleep when he’s away. Lately due to my working late done nights, my elderly parents have been forced to come over and help out at my husbands request, which puts a massive strain on them. My father has hip problems and struggles to walk but has had to walk our dogs and my mother has had to help bath my son. My mother still works herself and is exhausted. We do have a dog walker 3 mornings a week but this is expensive and we can’t afford it on the evenings too.

I have repeatedly asked him to consider changing jobs as his current role is putting me under so much pressure. He refuses and is adamant he won’t quit.

When he does return I’m so full of resentment I don’t want to be near him, then he gets upset.

We have had 3 sessions of couples therapy but it’s done nothing to address the resentment.

I feel so over it and like I don’t matter.

Zero chance you say that about a mum who has to work away.

So his job is supporting you, whether you like it or not. You’d be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

I was in this situation with 2 young children and their father away Monday to Friday every week, it was tough. He struggled to find a different job. I hate to be brutal but I think the problem here is the dogs - they are adding an extra level of stress and it’s probably not great for them.

Or am I supporting him to allow him to do his job??!!!

YANBU

I assume your DH was fully in favour of getting three large rescue dogs when you both worked full-time in demanding jobs. That in itself is a lot to take on. I also assume he was fully in favour (after lots of discussion of what it would mean for your lives, your child and how you’d both cope) of bringing a child into that already very demanding mix.

I assume he assured you he was committed to the level of work required. But now he clearly doesn’t want to parent. So, why did he have a child? Should’ve stuck to the dogs if they’re non-negotiable.

Difficult to find a solution though. If you split, you’ll remain stuck in overload. Your DH clearly won’t want 50/50 if he’s not doing that now. Even if he does, how will your DS feel if the dogs get to live with you 100% of the time but he doesn’t? And instead he has to spend half his time with a dad who isn’t too interested in having him. Being a lone parent is very very hard, even without three large dogs. Plus, if your parents are older and have ailments, you may soon have to help care for them too.

As for the solution, it’s a tough one. But if you get on OK (no abuse etc) IMHO for the next 10 years at least you should stay together. If necessary, as co-habiting friends with separate bedrooms, rather than as a couple. It’s likely to be what’s best for your DS, who you obvs must absolutely put Number 1 (above the dogs and yourselves).

At least if you co-habit, you’ll have more money at your disposal to pay for respite care (of dogs, DS, parents - and yourself!) and help with housework. Your DS will have you there full-time and there will be another adult in the house (at least sometimes) so you can leave him safely to walk the dogs, work evenings, see to your parents or if you’re ill etc. Plus (even if he won’t change job) you can be firm in insisting your DH steps up (with parenting, housework etc) on the days he’s at home to give you chance to rest.

View it as a 10 year plan. The worst part is hopefully over. DS will gradually become easier to care for, more independent and a better sleeper. Though it sounds harsh, I assume the dogs won’t all be around in 10 years, you won’t get any more and can devote all your time to your DS, your job and your own health and well-being 💐

Is your husband resentful because you won’t countenance rehoming the dogs?

I’d get rid of him before the dogs. He’s purposely leaving you to deal with everything and I'm
not surprised you’re resentful.

is there is possibility or reducing the nights away to 1 or 2 max?

Loving the fact that you'd sooner get rid of the man than the dogs. Despite that being that change thay won't solve anything and just make things worse.

Genuinely I think the biggest issue here is regardless of how many pets you have, your Husband, as many useless men seem to do on this site, decided family life is opt in rather than a necessary.

I think in this case you would be happier without feeling the resentment of him thinking parenting is optional. I would use couples therapy next time to discuss the realities of splitting and how that will work. It will either wake him up and make him want to work on it, or it will start dealing with the practicalities.

Did a higher salary come with his promotion? Can he look at ways to cut costs in your family spending? Anything that could pay for extra help, eg more dog walking, cleaner etc? Usually when your home life is made more difficult by work you get paid more to compensate. Put it on him to come up with solutions as he has caused these problems working away. And obviously keep your lovely pets. Also a 3 year old is a hard age, it will get better.

I agree that divorcing might be a better option, at least then you know where you stand. I would be angry that he took it upon himself to give his share of the household work to your parents. That’s so disrespectful. Alternatively you could try to make him take on the full load on the days he’s home…all the walks, bedtimes, housework, etc. So you get a break too.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. You decided on all those responsibilities together, yet you’re the only one doing them. I’d be resentful too.

Does he know exactly how you feel? That you’re abandoned?

Would he struggle to find a new job with the same salary and that he likes? If so, where does he work away? Could you all move there? Although perhaps not practical because of your job!

But if it’s not that complicated for him to leave (you won’t struggle financially, he won’t struggle to get a new job, moving is out of the question) I understand why you want to leave him. It isn’t that you’re sick of his job, it’s that you’re tired of his assumption that you’ll do all the household work and childcare while he can have the life he chooses. That’s not fair and would also enrage me. It’s a deeper issue than whether or not you’ve got big dogs etc to look after. It’s about how he sees you and your relationship.

I’m not sure it’s that tbh.

I think by all means get rid of DH as he is clearly not acknowledging the impact of his time away.

But we are considering that if op splits from him, she will likely be in a similar situation of stress because of all factors involved. It sounds quite possible for example, that she may end up having the dogs full time and therefore needing an alternative solution if to relieve some stress.

Yes because the dogs didnt change, the Husband did. He seemed to forget he was a parent and took a job where he knew he would be away, played down that until it was already done and then spends half his week in a hotel and refuses to realise thats had a big impact on his wife and child! How can you not see how selfish that is?

Dog walker - they are brilliant, book three walks a week, Tuesday - Thursday - they will exercise and tire DDogs out - as a working parent I find this invaluable and stick to the set days regardless of whether I’m WFH or remote site. I love my pets, knowing that they are happy is a big relief.

DH - is he honest that he played down the travel or is it more than he thought? Is he jumping at the chance to travel rather than when strictly necessary? I work in a male dominated industry and some guys will book the night before an event rather than travel early - to enjoy an hotel night rather than lack of sleep. I book my travel to least disrupt family life.

I would ask him not to travel so much , I would ask him to have a conversation about afternoon/evening childcare when you are working - you can’t give all to your job and look after a toddler.

your DH has moved the goal posts by taking this promotion - I don’t think that he is seeing that.

Absolutely the work wont be any less but the resentment will be. She spends more than half her week struggling alone and let's be honest, a man like this when he is around is unlikely to suddenly step up. So when he is there, she is probably still doing everything and likely fed up and angry at him being so useless.

Unless OP can correct me? How is he on the days he is home? Is he doing his share in the house and with the parenting to make up for the time away?

Well you clearly love your pets more than your husband as you are willing to give him up to make your life a bit easier but giving up the dogs to make your life easier? No.
You are harbouring resentment towards your husband for working away and expecting him to quit his job to make things easier for you would you be willing to quit your job? That would make things easier for you too- probably not.
What is he like when he is home? Does he help out, share the load?.

Perhaps with things around the house, but financially he is very much supporting you to work full time, he pays 2/3 of the household expense, etc.

Oh goodness OP, you’re not coming across very well at all here. Is there something else happening in the background? Are you perimenopausal?

Could you get some more childcare/ dog walking help?

Assume he is earning well working away and sounds like you are too?

Why on earth have you taken on 3 dogs???

As terrible as it is I'd look to rehome them first, if you ended up single then you'd still have the same workload.

Firstly I'd look at reducing the load, and trying to work on marriage rather than keep it all the same and lose the husband.

Well of course you have no money, you have half a dozen pets!! We are both high earners and one dog feels like a serious financial commitment, and certainly impacts our options (and the cost of) our holidays

Yes because I’ve taken the sacrifice to reduce my hours to spend time with our child. He could’ve quite easily done that and I would’ve worked full time, but of course he didn’t want to.

Fifty yr old man works at his career and gets promotion, Well done him, that is becoming more difficult these days. Instead of being at home he has to spend many nights away from home, wife and his son. The majority reaction here is that he is 'off on a jolly'. FFS he is continuing his career he hasn't moved to Disney! Maybe his next promotion will get him back to base not travelling so much.
OP is developing her career/business and doing all the other things she lists.
Where I in that situation the priorities would be Child, Careers/ Business. Also acknowledge that careers will provide for the DC. How old will the adults be when chid is Uni age?
Only the parents can contribute to the child. The animals cannot contribute, they are taking money and time away from the child. How much money do you spend on the animals? That should be the DC's education fund,
Get rid of animals.

I don't know why people do this.