To think this is dodgy?

[Cornonthecob17]

Been with DH a decade. Married only a month. Thought for a while that he spends far too much time on his phone but he is known to play games on there and claims he does a lot of doomscrolling to distract himself after busy day at work. It has got noticeably worse recently though.
My viewpoint changed when on Saturday morning after a rare night out drinking he (still drunk) accused me of cheating the night before. Obviously I didn’t and when he woke up properly he couldn’t believe he’d said it. But it put a thought in my head. He wouldn’t be the first person who has accused me of cheating when it’s actually them.

Today when he came in from work his phone was pinging away as usual and I snapped. Said to him, if I were to ask you to hand over your phone now, would you do it? He said yes of course. So I said hand it over then. To be clear I’ve never ever snooped in his phone or asked to look at it, except a couple of times when we’ve been joking about and he’s handed it over no problem. I’ve never actually looked through it though and wasn’t actually planning to this time either, I just wanted to see his reaction.

On this occasion he acted outraged and refused. And when I questioned this he literally ran away upstairs. I find this immensely suspicious. He’s saying I’m crazy and at one point when I handed my phone to him to show what a non issue it was for me he asked me if I’d been deleting stuff myself and had orchestrated this whole conversation as a cover up!

I wonder if other people know what I mean when I say I just have a gut feeling. The behaviour around the phone and immediately running off has my hackles up. I’m sure there’s something there he doesn’t want me to see, whether it’s another woman, gambling, porn, I don’t know. I feel like I should have just kept quiet and had a look at it when he was sleeping or something but I’m just not a person who does that and I think his reaction tells me a lot. He says the relationship is over if I can’t trust him. But I can’t get that initial behaviour around the phone out of my head and I don’t really want to let it go. In ten years I’ve never distrusted him and he’s generally a decent husband and dad, but this has thrown me and I don’t know what to do. AIBU to think he’s hiding something?

I think you’re right. Assuming he hasn’t changed any codes, I’d snoop while he’s sleeping. Make sure to check everything though, including most used apps + the notes app.

Reason being, I also used to be firmly on the no snooping camp. But not snooping so far has only gotten me cheated on every single time. In my experience if someone is changed their behaviour and being secretive, there’s nothing good coming from it.

If it was a surprise he could have simply said so without revealing what the surprise is.

Oh years. He used to play this online game on his phone and he’d be on it at all hours. But that didn’t bother me too much as I also game and I know it can be all-consuming. I haven’t seen him play a game in a while though which is why the still being on his phone constantly is weird. I never thought too much on it though until he made that comment on Saturday and something switched. I’ve never not trusted him until now.

Yeah we were at a wedding, but I was sober as I wasn’t feeling great. He drinks maybe once a year and never goes out so I’m not worried he’s met someone in that way. If it was an OW it wouldn’t be more than texting I’m sure.

Thanks for all the replies overnight and this morning. We did speak about it last night again. He is adamant he didn’t hand over the phone because he was offended I asked and he went straight upstairs because he didn’t want to argue with me. As one of the other posters considered, he does have a lot of sensitive work stuff on his phone he can’t show me. This is fair enough. However it doesn’t change that he didn’t say that at the time, actually said he would hand it over if asked, and then refused. So a lot of conflicting statements from him. He also said if I had just snooped his phone he wouldn’t have been bothered?! Which is a massive contradiction when he’s saying it’s work stuff that’s the reason.
I cannot get the suspicious behaviour out of my head. But I also cannot keep going round in circles with him. So for the moment I’ve decided just to get on with my life. What happens happens. I will be quietly insuring myself in the background though, I’ve unfortunately ended up in a situation many women do where I’m too reliant on him, that will change.

I don’t really understand. You were at a wedding together and while he was drunk he accused you of having an affair. Did he say what he’d based that on? Are you close with a male friend or something, or was it completely out of the blue? It’s very weird if it’s completely out of the blue and he has no reason not to trust you.

No no close male friends or anything like that. I was feeling really unwell for the whole wedding, started with a migraine before dinner. So when we were moved through to the bar while they changed around the room, i really didn’t feel up to standing waiting and I really didn’t want to make a fuss so I went back to our car outside. Apparently during this half hour of downtime is when I’m supposed to have gone off and cheated. He knew I wasn’t feeling well and didn’t attempt to check on me (I didn’t want him to tbh I was happy to leave him with his friends). He did apologise on Saturday and say it was ridiculous and he was just still drunk. But then he did bring it up again last night. It’s really out of character for him to act like that.

Ok. That really is quite weird then.
I can say stupid things when I’m drunk but they’d have some basis to them. Like something that’s been bothering me or whatever and the alcohol has loosened my tongue. But it doesn’t sound as if your husband has anything to base his words on. Yeah, I’d be worried.

But he's not innocent is he.
Innocent people don't react like that.

I mean the only alternative I could think of is he has been slagging you off to someone via text. Or is watching mysoginistic content (or something equally grim).

Could he have fallen in with the manosphere and maybe had a mysoginistic friend or influencer who is putting ideas in his head that you are unfaithful?

This really doesn't need overthinking. He's hiding something from you. Most likely it's another woman if it's been pinging.

Personal experience: it was cheating and gambling when he had issues with his phone.

I had a friend whose cousin got married, then within a few months she found out he’d had huge gambling debts. They’d known each other years, bought a house and had a big wedding. She ended up leaving him and last I heard, she’d had a nice life away from him.

I hope this is true.

All the other dodgy behaviour aside....He says the relationship is over if I can’t trust him, this is a classic cheaters move. He may as have said I'm fucking your sister.

To the PP who said maybe he is booking a honeymoon, a grip needs to be got 🙄

Until he kills again.....no I don't think so.

You’re projecting.

Because someone killed me? 😆😆😆

Have you asked him why he accused you of cheating once you were both sober? I think you need to make clear that it was him who prompted this whole chain of events.

Twice in my life I've had a gut feeling to check partners' phones and they'd both cheated. If I hadn't found anything the relationships would still have been over as the trust was gone. I've never felt the urge to do it with anyone else.

I think you have to trust your gut, but I do also think you have to have the full conversation with him about what made you suspicious in the first place.