“You’re not going on your own” - caring or controlling? AIBU?

[Samuelthespaniel]

My husband and I had words over the possibility of a solo trip (it was just an idea) yesterday and I think he may be the unreasonable party but I thought I’d ask in case I am genuinely missing something important here.

For context, married 4 years, no kids. Basically I brought up the idea of a city break I’d like to go on. We normally travel together with the exception of when I go on weekend trips with a friend or family or for work (which so far has only involved flying to a neighbouring country where I have family).

When I first mentioned it yesterday he essentially said “off with you” but his reaction later makes me think that this earlier comment was said because he thought I was joking. DH has no holidays left to take this year, I can WFH. I was considering doing a 3-4 night stay in this city and doing all of the things that I wouldn’t like to bore him with when we travel together eg taking myself off for a facial, some activities (think craft type things, etc). Great, I thought. I can WFH from the hotel and afterwards check out the landmarks, some shopping, etc. it would be my first solo trip in the sense that it would be the first time I’ve travelled alone purely for leisure for that amount of time, but I was looking forward to it and thought it would actually be good for my personal development.

Spoke about it again last night as I told DH about things that I don’t think he’d particularly enjoy doing that I was looking at doing in the city, and he said yeah but you’d need someone to watch your back there. I said I’m sure it would be fine, it’s a relatively safe city by any standard. He said “I’m not restricting you, you just can’t go on your own. Why don’t you wait til next year and see if (name of friend) can go with you. I said it’s not really the point, my friend might not want to go and I was particularly enjoying the prospect of going by myself. I

said I don’t see what it’s really got to do with you (perhaps this was wrong in hindsight). He said we’re married, we do everything together, to which I said that plenty of married people solo travel and he said “I don’t care, I don’t have to worry about them”. I said well ultimately it’s my choice and I have autonomy over my own actions.

He said that if I ignore his feelings then he’ll remember this for again and that we’ll have a big problem when I get back and that’s all he’s going to say, and that it’s not a threat. I replied by saying it does sound like a bit of a threat really. He said he didn’t want to hear anything else from me for the rest of the night, which also felt a bit patronising and like I was being chastised.

I should also mention that at some point in the conversation he asked why I needed to go away so often and I already go away 3-4 times a year with him and what’s the rush and do I want to just take a year out and travel or something and if that’s the case go off and do it (although I don’t see how that would be fine by him but a 3-4 city break isn’t, but anyway). I said that no, I don’t want to take a year out to go travelling and I’m perfectly happy with my life the way it is, but he said the signs are there that I want to be away all the time. I do like to go away, but it’s not to escape anything as such, I really do just like to see new places and thought it would be a good opportunity. I mean, I don’t question why he goes to the gym 3-4 times per week. I don’t feel like it’s any of my business. But I think I should be allowed to explore my hobbies as well.

Sorry this was so long! But does anyone have any experience of this? Did you go anyway? Did you decide against it?

This is why I'm happily single . I'd go on your break and ignore him tbh .

Are finances an issue? If not I would go for it. I have such fond memories of my solo trips.

You can’t leave your poor husband all his own, OP! You’re married now, solo trips are for single people. Why even get married if you want to gallivant alone?

As others have said he's treating you like a small child, he issues a threat and then tells you it isn't a threat. And then tells you not allowed to bring this subject again.
These things happen gradually. The pressure and dominance doesn't need to be especially overt, it just needs to be there in the background keeping you oppressed, making you feel intimidated. Without necessarily being fully aware you start to doubt yourself, you start to subordinate yourself to him.

The man is clearly paranoid and maybe slightly mentally ill. He probably sits there and overthinks and stresses about everything and also probably has trust issues. You'll never be free with someone like that. They will only love you if you fall in line because everything is about control with them and not true love. If that's good enough for you then stay there but it's whack af to me.

No, I didn’t think he wouldn’t believe it.
I found it a bit unlikely. Sure people work flexibly. Some will work early in the morning, late into the night. But depending on where she goes will impact on the ability to link up with others time wise etc. It all sounds a bit unrealistic.

Exactly. My husband and I are both academics. We spent a month in the south of France and took work with us. We counted it as two weeks of holiday.

My daughter has a full time hybrid job, she only normally does 2 days a week in the office. She sometimes visits friends in Europe and does some of her hybrid days there, but also usually takes a little holiday too. Even if she doesn't, she has the weekends and evenings to go out somewhere different.

Personally I'm not sure I would choose to take a trip abroad without taking any leave at all, but I wouldn't necessarily rule it out either.

I wouldn't be doing the serious talking. I would be doing ducks in a row. he has shown her who he is, why would she not believe him?

There may be no time difference. There may be only an hour or two. Her job might not involve linking up very frequently. Obviously it wont work for all jobs but it will work for some. I think you have a very narrow view of what other people's working lives might look like.

I didn’t expect her to justify it to him. At all.
I would to her employer. . And if her employer is fine with her taking a break ( and she might be self employed), and working combo then all is well. It sounded a bit like trying to do both things at once.

I don’t understand your point.
Your DH is working. Lots of people work in all sorts of locations.
But she said she can go away for a break and work all at the same time. I can only assume she means she works part time.

Say she works 9/5
She'll have time to have a hotel breakfast and maybe gym before work. An hour to stay local to the hotel at lunch time but get out for fresh air. Finish at 5 and the rest of the evening is hers. She said city break so I'm assuming uk, it is light until at least 10 so plenty of time to explore and relax whether it is inside or outside the hotel.
I know this because I've said in a previous post its what I do when I go on dHs conferences and wfh ( work from hotel)

To answer some pps, the age gap is he’s 5 years my senior so not insignificant but not so much that we’re of a completely different generation either.

We did end up talking about it a bit more and he said if it were him he would have had the respect to say (like he does when he has events on with the guys or work) “I’m looking at going away on x date, is that okay, have we got anything on?”. The thing is I didn’t have dates in mind yet so there was no point, and I actually did say it to him and he literally said “off with you”. He said that being married we had the respect to check if something is okay with the other and that because I said no way to an Amsterdam trip with the lads (perhaps stupidly, but he did mention the kind of unsavoury antics that go on) so that if I go on this trip I essentially can’t veto any trips for him either. I mean I will take responsibility as I wasn’t in favour of the Amsterdam trips as ironically I too am concerned for safety in the event of him drinking too much and hitting his head/choking on vomit, those are things I genuinely am concerned about. But ultimately it is his choice and those things could happen anywhere, and I said I doubt he was going to ask if it’s okay if he does on the couple of stag dos he has coming up next year. He said of course he’d check with me to see if it’s alright. So I suppose it’s a bit tit for tat now.

You may well be right about the time difference. And the other aspects of work.

But you aren’t right about a narrow view ! No.

You're slightly missing then point though in the sense that you may have win the battle but you haven't won the war.

It's great that you can assert yourself in this situation where you can control what you do. But if you merge finances or have kids or do anything that requires consensus, you'll have a battle on your hands and you may not win, particularly if he has power to veto.

So now you can't do things that require complete trust like having a shared bank account or rely on him to take decisions in your best interests (such as if you need him to act on your behalf because you're incapacitated because you can't trust he will do what you would want for yourself rather than making the choice about what he thinks is best, like in a power of attorney situation).

If she can see all she wants to after 5pm then she is happy. And so is her employer assuming she is not her own boss.

Run. And keep running. What kind of poor excuse for a man threatens you like that? A very insecure one who wants to keep you in your place, only doing what he sanctions.

Please go, enjoy yourself, and don't let anyone tell you it is unreasonable to do so. If he can't turn things around, apologise, and understand that you are still allowed freedom whilst married, I think you have an answer regarding how much he respects you.

I'm married and have kids, and have been away previously for a few days on my own. I needed a reset, and my DH understood that. He gets time away on work trips regularly (which often have plenty of time for him to do his own thing), but if he wanted a weekend away I would also understand and try to facilitate.

We did have a discussion about where he felt comfortable with me travelling to on my own, but there were very few options he wasn't comfortable with. I do understand that there will always be some places he would really rather I didn't go alone. He wouldn't stop me, but I know he wouldn't sleep or relax while I was away, so would try not to put him through that.

Saying you aren't streetwise is insulting, particularly to someone who grew up in a city as you did. It also implies you are dependent on him.

Have a great time on your trip!

Oh dear. I was with you until you mentioned the veto on Amsterdam, @Samuelthespaniel.

Your earlier posts were almost giving me palpitations. And making me feel glad to be single.

But, yeah - you ruined your own argument.

The two of you need some marriage counselling. Because this isn’t acceptable in either case.

If she can see all she wants to after 5pm then she is happy. And so is her employer assuming she is not her own boss.
It works well when I've done it.

Its a change of environment so it feels different. Its nice having room service when im working in a hotel and as I said its light at the evenings so theres still time for plenty to do.
It really does feel like a mini break even though you are working.

@Samuelthespaniel He's presenting binary options again. Once more, it isn't these extreme "either or's" - it is not "You said no to a trip so I say no to yours". He is not showing any ability to understand nuance or context - not many people would be happy with a stag do with known "unsavoury" events like strip clubs etc. Just because you hesitated on that doesn't mean he gets to shut down your trip – again, that is childish.

I keep tagging you as I want you to read these! (Or at least listen to the other posters who have experienced this, as we can see it clearly as control).

The difference is a stag party in Amsterdam isn't because they love the Netherlands, it's all about drinking and the sex industry. You haven't said where you want to go but I doubt it's so you can spend 4 days pissed, on weed and throwing money at male strippers Op. When men really don't want you to do something it's too often judging you by their standards, they'd misbehave so that must be why you're going.
He speaks to you like you're a naive teenager instead of an educated woman in her 20s and none of his arguments hold water, he just doesn't want you having a life without him.

But you have no idea what OP does for a living? Maybe she doesn’t need to link up with other people. Most of my team work in a completely different time zone to me. I could very easily spend a few days working on a presentation or a data file with absolutely no need to speak to anyone else directly.

I think after that conversation I would have immediately gone online and booked my flights.

I used to have a job that required me to fly all over the world. DH always used to encourage me to tag a few days onto the end of my trip to have a bit of me time, site-seeing etc.

Of course it’s a threat.

If you back down now it will only get worse. I’m sorry he’s like this but you have to push back if you don’t want it to be your life going forward.

Controlling men habitually use the ‘it’s for your own safety’ defence. Or because they imply you’re not competent to make those decisions. I’ve discovered that that’s bullshit and they’re not always right. Losing your autonomy undermines your confidence and sense of freedom. It’s insidious. Don’t let him make your life smaller. I know for a fact you’ll regret it one day.

PS women go on holiday on their own all the time. I do regularly. I’ve been abroad. I’ve gone with small children. I’ve gone on driving holidays to unfamiliar towns. I’ve had a ball and every single time it’s built up my confidence and sense that I can handle things.

You are right, we don’t.