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AIBU?

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Original poster

“You’re not going on your own” - caring or controlling? AIBU?

387 replies

Samuelthespaniel · 19/05/2026 09:36

My husband and I had words over the possibility of a solo trip (it was just an idea) yesterday and I think he may be the unreasonable party but I thought I’d ask in case I am genuinely missing something important here.

For context, married 4 years, no kids. Basically I brought up the idea of a city break I’d like to go on. We normally travel together with the exception of when I go on weekend trips with a friend or family or for work (which so far has only involved flying to a neighbouring country where I have family).

When I first mentioned it yesterday he essentially said “off with you” but his reaction later makes me think that this earlier comment was said because he thought I was joking. DH has no holidays left to take this year, I can WFH. I was considering doing a 3-4 night stay in this city and doing all of the things that I wouldn’t like to bore him with when we travel together eg taking myself off for a facial, some activities (think craft type things, etc). Great, I thought. I can WFH from the hotel and afterwards check out the landmarks, some shopping, etc. it would be my first solo trip in the sense that it would be the first time I’ve travelled alone purely for leisure for that amount of time, but I was looking forward to it and thought it would actually be good for my personal development.

Spoke about it again last night as I told DH about things that I don’t think he’d particularly enjoy doing that I was looking at doing in the city, and he said yeah but you’d need someone to watch your back there. I said I’m sure it would be fine, it’s a relatively safe city by any standard. He said “I’m not restricting you, you just can’t go on your own. Why don’t you wait til next year and see if (name of friend) can go with you. I said it’s not really the point, my friend might not want to go and I was particularly enjoying the prospect of going by myself. I

said I don’t see what it’s really got to do with you (perhaps this was wrong in hindsight). He said we’re married, we do everything together, to which I said that plenty of married people solo travel and he said “I don’t care, I don’t have to worry about them”. I said well ultimately it’s my choice and I have autonomy over my own actions.

He said that if I ignore his feelings then he’ll remember this for again and that we’ll have a big problem when I get back and that’s all he’s going to say, and that it’s not a threat. I replied by saying it does sound like a bit of a threat really. He said he didn’t want to hear anything else from me for the rest of the night, which also felt a bit patronising and like I was being chastised.

I should also mention that at some point in the conversation he asked why I needed to go away so often and I already go away 3-4 times a year with him and what’s the rush and do I want to just take a year out and travel or something and if that’s the case go off and do it (although I don’t see how that would be fine by him but a 3-4 city break isn’t, but anyway). I said that no, I don’t want to take a year out to go travelling and I’m perfectly happy with my life the way it is, but he said the signs are there that I want to be away all the time. I do like to go away, but it’s not to escape anything as such, I really do just like to see new places and thought it would be a good opportunity. I mean, I don’t question why he goes to the gym 3-4 times per week. I don’t feel like it’s any of my business. But I think I should be allowed to explore my hobbies as well.

Sorry this was so long! But does anyone have any experience of this? Did you go anyway? Did you decide against it?

OP posts:
Boxcan · 19/05/2026 11:32

I think it's both. He genuinely believes it's to protect you but society has, for centuries, used the idea that women need protecting (from the sodding men) to control them.

It sounds like he's OK for you to go without him, but not alone?

Monty36 · 19/05/2026 11:33

Firstly, I think he was a bit anxious about you OP. Then I think wondered if he should be suspicious of your plans.
He doesn’t believe you will be working from the hotel for a start. Who goes on holiday but is also working ?
People do go away on their own. And you should be able to as well. But from what I can gather the way you have presented it to him and talked to him has got his back up massively.

Portugal1987 · 19/05/2026 11:33

Curious what exactly the "consequences" would be. Like you're a teenager!

IAmBeaIDrinkTea · 19/05/2026 11:34

Samuelthespaniel · 19/05/2026 11:28

I just spoke to him and asked him to clarify that indeed he said we would have a problem and there would be consequences if I went. He said yes because I completely disregarded and ignored his views on safety. I told him that that was unacceptable for me and that he can’t decide for me whether I go somewhere or not and he said it’s like talking to a wall and that the amount of young women who have been targeted is unsafe and that I didn’t listen to him because he clearly said that if I find a friend to go with at least there’s two of us.

I did emphasise that I have been flying alone since I was 14 and getting about the capital city that I grew up in from about 12 so I’d be fine. He said I’m not street smart, I questioned in what way exactly? He replied “in every way” (this is despite things such as me pointing out common scams to him in cities we have visited eg the age-old shoe polish scam in Istanbul where I told my husband not to pick up the dropped brush as it was a known scam), navigating my way through the subway stations in Asia (which he was all too happy for me to do and actually complimented), learning a few phrases of the local language before we travel, etc so it’s puzzling how suddenly I’ve lost these skills. Hmm

I told him yesterday was appalling and he said he didn’t speak to me like anything and that he is responsible for my safety (I replied that I am responsible for my own safety). He said I’m making out like he doesn’t trust me, I said not at all. He said go then and he’s not talking about it anymore and that if I want him to care I’m not doing a very good job. I said indeed I would be going and always was irrespective of his views. So there’s that I suppose.

I'm glad you said you're going anyway, I really hope you do.

He said I’m not street smart, I questioned in what way exactly? He replied “in every way

He gets worse. Now he's trying to make you doubt yourself and think "will I really be safe?" (even though you said yourself you've been flying solo and getting yourself about the capital since your teens!
Presumably as he thinks his other tactics aren't working "well" enough.
Don't listen to him.

catipuss · 19/05/2026 11:35

LowPowerModes · 19/05/2026 11:31

That’s one of the most outrageously stupid things I’ve read on here. He’s an adult, presumably with friends and family and a job. He can cope with his wife not being at home for four days. (DH is away in another country at the moment for fun. I was in another country solo for five days in January, and went away to stay with friends last month. This is completely normal for married people. We’ve also been away together with our DS.) He doesn’t get to veto trips on safety grounds — she’s going on a short city break, not parachuting into downtown Mogadishu in the middle of the civil war.

Of course she’s ’considering his feelings’, she just, quite rightly, thinks his feelings, on this, are ridiculous.

Show quote history

Some people can only see things from one point of view, not everyone is the same. Things that are fine for you may not be fine for someone else believe it or not.

Mamalot88 · 19/05/2026 11:35

Samuelthespaniel · 19/05/2026 11:28

I just spoke to him and asked him to clarify that indeed he said we would have a problem and there would be consequences if I went. He said yes because I completely disregarded and ignored his views on safety. I told him that that was unacceptable for me and that he can’t decide for me whether I go somewhere or not and he said it’s like talking to a wall and that the amount of young women who have been targeted is unsafe and that I didn’t listen to him because he clearly said that if I find a friend to go with at least there’s two of us.

I did emphasise that I have been flying alone since I was 14 and getting about the capital city that I grew up in from about 12 so I’d be fine. He said I’m not street smart, I questioned in what way exactly? He replied “in every way” (this is despite things such as me pointing out common scams to him in cities we have visited eg the age-old shoe polish scam in Istanbul where I told my husband not to pick up the dropped brush as it was a known scam), navigating my way through the subway stations in Asia (which he was all too happy for me to do and actually complimented), learning a few phrases of the local language before we travel, etc so it’s puzzling how suddenly I’ve lost these skills. Hmm

I told him yesterday was appalling and he said he didn’t speak to me like anything and that he is responsible for my safety (I replied that I am responsible for my own safety). He said I’m making out like he doesn’t trust me, I said not at all. He said go then and he’s not talking about it anymore and that if I want him to care I’m not doing a very good job. I said indeed I would be going and always was irrespective of his views. So there’s that I suppose.

Good for you for standing up for yourself so well. You sound like such a confident and well travelled person, I am envious to be honest. I really hope you follow through with your trip. You mentioned you dont have kids, I do and I would be so proud if my daughter grew up to have this independence and confidence. This sounds very controlling of DH and I think he is just using the safety issue as an excuse to control and manipulate. I detest that phase "like talking to a wall" I think its the height of disrespect too say that to your other half. My husband said it to me once amd he won't be saying it again

LowPowerModes · 19/05/2026 11:36

Monty36 · 19/05/2026 11:33

Firstly, I think he was a bit anxious about you OP. Then I think wondered if he should be suspicious of your plans.
He doesn’t believe you will be working from the hotel for a start. Who goes on holiday but is also working ?
People do go away on their own. And you should be able to as well. But from what I can gather the way you have presented it to him and talked to him has got his back up massively.

But that’s his issue to deal with. The OP doesn’t have to soften him up or ‘tactfully present’ her plan to go on a short city break any more than she has to flatter him into agreeing to let her go out on Saturday night with her friends. It’s not his call.

His feelings are his to manage.

ilikemethewayiam · 19/05/2026 11:37

So he still didn’t clarify what he meant by ‘consequences’ then?

CatCaretaker · 19/05/2026 11:37

Bonkers, before we had a baby i'd organise and book my trips, and tell him afterwards. His general response would be, 'perfect, I'll have the TV to myself'.

Mamalot88 · 19/05/2026 11:37

Good for you for standing up for yourself so well. You sound like such a confident and well travelled person, I am envious to be honest. I really hope you follow through with your trip. You mentioned you dont have kids, I do and I would be so proud if my daughter grew up to have this independence and confidence. This sounds very controlling of DH and I think he is just using the safety issue as an excuse to control and manipulate. I detest that phase "like talking to a wall" I think its the height of disrespect too say that to your other half. My husband said it to me once amd he won't be saying it again

Lottie6712 · 19/05/2026 11:38

This type of reaction sounds very controlling and would make me feel really uneasy. My DH and I have been together for years and both taken solo trips and have only ever been supportive and interested.

TreeDudette · 19/05/2026 11:39

That is controlling all over. So many red flags.

ilikemethewayiam · 19/05/2026 11:39

CatCaretaker · 19/05/2026 11:37

Bonkers, before we had a baby i'd organise and book my trips, and tell him afterwards. His general response would be, 'perfect, I'll have the TV to myself'.

🤣🤣 exactly what my DH would say!

IAmBeaIDrinkTea · 19/05/2026 11:39

Monty36 · 19/05/2026 11:33

Firstly, I think he was a bit anxious about you OP. Then I think wondered if he should be suspicious of your plans.
He doesn’t believe you will be working from the hotel for a start. Who goes on holiday but is also working ?
People do go away on their own. And you should be able to as well. But from what I can gather the way you have presented it to him and talked to him has got his back up massively.

the way you have presented it to him and talked to him

There shouldn't be a presentation or talk to him!
You just say it like it is.
I booked a nice city break, a few days away for myself a few weeks ago on a whim.
Me - " I've booked to go to "This Place"
DH - "oh, ok nice. Have fun!"

That's it. Bloody hell, couldn't be doing with the stress of thinking I had to "present it" right!
Fuck that lol

Mumsgirls · 19/05/2026 11:40

Well I would have asked him who thought he was talking to? No mention that you did that and put him in is place. You really must go on the trip or face a life like this and the misery it brings, mostly to women. We really must educate our girls not to tolerate this or we will end up back to the fifties.
Op if he acts out in punishment, you have to leave, no room for doubt at all and if he does not, keep the trips going to establish your position and dignity.

twilightcafe · 19/05/2026 11:41

Voted YABU as no way should you even think about putting up with this nonsense - husband or not.

Just go on your trip. Let him sulk - the overgrown idiot.

Monty36 · 19/05/2026 11:41

LowPowerModes · 19/05/2026 11:36

But that’s his issue to deal with. The OP doesn’t have to soften him up or ‘tactfully present’ her plan to go on a short city break any more than she has to flatter him into agreeing to let her go out on Saturday night with her friends. It’s not his call.

His feelings are his to manage.

Show quote history

Well it has become her issue because it has caused the reaction in him it has.
Most successful relationships of any sort do rely on a degree of tact, timing, sensitivity and listening skills by both parties.
She even admits in her post that some of her conversation with hindsight wasn’t the best.
I don’t say she should not go. But I am more puzzled by the going away and I will still be at work ! Turning in a full amount of work. Not a chance.

LoveOldFilms · 19/05/2026 11:42

My first husband was like that! I'm only 37 BTW so not old. His parents had a very traditional marriage where neither of them ever did anything without each other so he expected the same of me. His mother was a shadow of a woman, never expressed her own wants or desires (apart from superficial stuff like clothes or furniture). We also got together young and it just got worse over the years.

Divorced him age 30, best thing I ever did. He never did anything "wrong" but he was suffocating me. Genuinely felt like I couldn't breathe. He hated me working late. Called me most lunch breaks. Every time I wanted to do something alone with friends, we had an argument. Basically everything was great as long as 1) we were together and 2) I did the stuff HE wanted (sprinkled with a couple of things for me to shut me up). Not a way to live your life.

MJagain · 19/05/2026 11:43

Samuelthespaniel · 19/05/2026 11:28

I just spoke to him and asked him to clarify that indeed he said we would have a problem and there would be consequences if I went. He said yes because I completely disregarded and ignored his views on safety. I told him that that was unacceptable for me and that he can’t decide for me whether I go somewhere or not and he said it’s like talking to a wall and that the amount of young women who have been targeted is unsafe and that I didn’t listen to him because he clearly said that if I find a friend to go with at least there’s two of us.

I did emphasise that I have been flying alone since I was 14 and getting about the capital city that I grew up in from about 12 so I’d be fine. He said I’m not street smart, I questioned in what way exactly? He replied “in every way” (this is despite things such as me pointing out common scams to him in cities we have visited eg the age-old shoe polish scam in Istanbul where I told my husband not to pick up the dropped brush as it was a known scam), navigating my way through the subway stations in Asia (which he was all too happy for me to do and actually complimented), learning a few phrases of the local language before we travel, etc so it’s puzzling how suddenly I’ve lost these skills. Hmm

I told him yesterday was appalling and he said he didn’t speak to me like anything and that he is responsible for my safety (I replied that I am responsible for my own safety). He said I’m making out like he doesn’t trust me, I said not at all. He said go then and he’s not talking about it anymore and that if I want him to care I’m not doing a very good job. I said indeed I would be going and always was irrespective of his views. So there’s that I suppose.

Why are you justifying yourself to him? All this logic and previous experience is not the reason he's doing it. He's doing it to keep you close, where he knows where you are. That's why it doesn't seem logical, because it's not.

notacooldad · 19/05/2026 11:44

Op, I seriously hope you take this trip.

This is not because I want drama or to poke a stick in your marriage but I'm sure you realise by now, this is a massive crossroads of your marriage.

Stay and everytime you want to do something you will remember how he ground you down with threats and how he talked to you like you were a disobediencent child. You will over time feel resentful, especially as he seems happy to do his own thing and do what makes him happy.

If you Go, he may accept it but you will show that you will not be manipulated and accept bullying and controlling behaviour.

He may well be anxious but he is a big man now and needs to manage his feelings, how will he learn if you roll over to his demands. You would be enabling him to carry on and not personally mature.

Who goes on holiday but is also working ?
Are you joking.
If she has a laptop and is working her normal hours once her day is over she can go to the spa, have a look at the shops that stay open later, enjoy a cocktail from the bar, do her craft like hobby. She is only planning in going for a couple of days.

I've done it. Dh has to go to a conference in Birmingham twice a year for 3 days. I let work know im on 'admin days' for Thursday and Friday and work from the hotel. They can see Im working and on line and respond to emsils immediately and it is clear im not on a jolly. Once my day is over we meet up and go out. No problem.

ConverselyAttired · 19/05/2026 11:46

CatCaretaker · 19/05/2026 11:37

Bonkers, before we had a baby i'd organise and book my trips, and tell him afterwards. His general response would be, 'perfect, I'll have the TV to myself'.

Yes - We were a couple for 14 years before we had a baby and we both travelled separately. The only time I ever worried about DH was when he stayed in a well-known dodgy hotel in downtown LA, the kind where you get an Uber from the door rather than walk down the street.

We check in with each other now just because we have a child and one being away means the other may have to move or cancel plans to look after him. Otherwise - it's not up to him. This is not about safety, it's about you not doing as you're told. Yuck.

Monty36 · 19/05/2026 11:46

IAmBeaIDrinkTea · 19/05/2026 11:39

the way you have presented it to him and talked to him

There shouldn't be a presentation or talk to him!
You just say it like it is.
I booked a nice city break, a few days away for myself a few weeks ago on a whim.
Me - " I've booked to go to "This Place"
DH - "oh, ok nice. Have fun!"

That's it. Bloody hell, couldn't be doing with the stress of thinking I had to "present it" right!
Fuck that lol

Show quote history

Alright then perhaps I should have simply said ‘how she talked to him about it’.

I don’t think she shouldn’t go. But first of all he was I think concerned, then a bit suspicious. And I for one don’t think she will be working and holidaying all at the same time either.

hellokellie · 19/05/2026 11:47

Samuelthespaniel · 19/05/2026 09:36

My husband and I had words over the possibility of a solo trip (it was just an idea) yesterday and I think he may be the unreasonable party but I thought I’d ask in case I am genuinely missing something important here.

For context, married 4 years, no kids. Basically I brought up the idea of a city break I’d like to go on. We normally travel together with the exception of when I go on weekend trips with a friend or family or for work (which so far has only involved flying to a neighbouring country where I have family).

When I first mentioned it yesterday he essentially said “off with you” but his reaction later makes me think that this earlier comment was said because he thought I was joking. DH has no holidays left to take this year, I can WFH. I was considering doing a 3-4 night stay in this city and doing all of the things that I wouldn’t like to bore him with when we travel together eg taking myself off for a facial, some activities (think craft type things, etc). Great, I thought. I can WFH from the hotel and afterwards check out the landmarks, some shopping, etc. it would be my first solo trip in the sense that it would be the first time I’ve travelled alone purely for leisure for that amount of time, but I was looking forward to it and thought it would actually be good for my personal development.

Spoke about it again last night as I told DH about things that I don’t think he’d particularly enjoy doing that I was looking at doing in the city, and he said yeah but you’d need someone to watch your back there. I said I’m sure it would be fine, it’s a relatively safe city by any standard. He said “I’m not restricting you, you just can’t go on your own. Why don’t you wait til next year and see if (name of friend) can go with you. I said it’s not really the point, my friend might not want to go and I was particularly enjoying the prospect of going by myself. I

said I don’t see what it’s really got to do with you (perhaps this was wrong in hindsight). He said we’re married, we do everything together, to which I said that plenty of married people solo travel and he said “I don’t care, I don’t have to worry about them”. I said well ultimately it’s my choice and I have autonomy over my own actions.

He said that if I ignore his feelings then he’ll remember this for again and that we’ll have a big problem when I get back and that’s all he’s going to say, and that it’s not a threat. I replied by saying it does sound like a bit of a threat really. He said he didn’t want to hear anything else from me for the rest of the night, which also felt a bit patronising and like I was being chastised.

I should also mention that at some point in the conversation he asked why I needed to go away so often and I already go away 3-4 times a year with him and what’s the rush and do I want to just take a year out and travel or something and if that’s the case go off and do it (although I don’t see how that would be fine by him but a 3-4 city break isn’t, but anyway). I said that no, I don’t want to take a year out to go travelling and I’m perfectly happy with my life the way it is, but he said the signs are there that I want to be away all the time. I do like to go away, but it’s not to escape anything as such, I really do just like to see new places and thought it would be a good opportunity. I mean, I don’t question why he goes to the gym 3-4 times per week. I don’t feel like it’s any of my business. But I think I should be allowed to explore my hobbies as well.

Sorry this was so long! But does anyone have any experience of this? Did you go anyway? Did you decide against it?

Wow, I went to Orlando for 10 nights by myself in 2024 and my husband didn't bat an eyelid. He went to Boston and NY the same year with a friend. There's a LOT of red flags in your post with regards to how he speaks to you!

EggStation · 19/05/2026 11:47

Octavia64 · 19/05/2026 09:46

I wouldn’t be happy with this BUT I note you have not said the city.

there are some cities that are definitely less safe than others and my view might change eg if you said you wanted to go to downtown Mogadishu I’d be on his side.

You would be happy with his wording and attitude if it was a dangerous city? Goodness. Raise your bar.

ConverselyAttired · 19/05/2026 11:48

Monty36 · 19/05/2026 11:46

Alright then perhaps I should have simply said ‘how she talked to him about it’.

I don’t think she shouldn’t go. But first of all he was I think concerned, then a bit suspicious. And I for one don’t think she will be working and holidaying all at the same time either.

Show quote history

You keep saying this. Why not? My DH works all over the world from his laptop and doesn't just wander off for a beer at 2pm when he's meant to be in a meeting. Plus the OP's working arrangements are fuck all to do with her husband.