“You’re not going on your own” - caring or controlling? AIBU?

[Samuelthespaniel]

My husband and I had words over the possibility of a solo trip (it was just an idea) yesterday and I think he may be the unreasonable party but I thought I’d ask in case I am genuinely missing something important here.

For context, married 4 years, no kids. Basically I brought up the idea of a city break I’d like to go on. We normally travel together with the exception of when I go on weekend trips with a friend or family or for work (which so far has only involved flying to a neighbouring country where I have family).

When I first mentioned it yesterday he essentially said “off with you” but his reaction later makes me think that this earlier comment was said because he thought I was joking. DH has no holidays left to take this year, I can WFH. I was considering doing a 3-4 night stay in this city and doing all of the things that I wouldn’t like to bore him with when we travel together eg taking myself off for a facial, some activities (think craft type things, etc). Great, I thought. I can WFH from the hotel and afterwards check out the landmarks, some shopping, etc. it would be my first solo trip in the sense that it would be the first time I’ve travelled alone purely for leisure for that amount of time, but I was looking forward to it and thought it would actually be good for my personal development.

Spoke about it again last night as I told DH about things that I don’t think he’d particularly enjoy doing that I was looking at doing in the city, and he said yeah but you’d need someone to watch your back there. I said I’m sure it would be fine, it’s a relatively safe city by any standard. He said “I’m not restricting you, you just can’t go on your own. Why don’t you wait til next year and see if (name of friend) can go with you. I said it’s not really the point, my friend might not want to go and I was particularly enjoying the prospect of going by myself. I

said I don’t see what it’s really got to do with you (perhaps this was wrong in hindsight). He said we’re married, we do everything together, to which I said that plenty of married people solo travel and he said “I don’t care, I don’t have to worry about them”. I said well ultimately it’s my choice and I have autonomy over my own actions.

He said that if I ignore his feelings then he’ll remember this for again and that we’ll have a big problem when I get back and that’s all he’s going to say, and that it’s not a threat. I replied by saying it does sound like a bit of a threat really. He said he didn’t want to hear anything else from me for the rest of the night, which also felt a bit patronising and like I was being chastised.

I should also mention that at some point in the conversation he asked why I needed to go away so often and I already go away 3-4 times a year with him and what’s the rush and do I want to just take a year out and travel or something and if that’s the case go off and do it (although I don’t see how that would be fine by him but a 3-4 city break isn’t, but anyway). I said that no, I don’t want to take a year out to go travelling and I’m perfectly happy with my life the way it is, but he said the signs are there that I want to be away all the time. I do like to go away, but it’s not to escape anything as such, I really do just like to see new places and thought it would be a good opportunity. I mean, I don’t question why he goes to the gym 3-4 times per week. I don’t feel like it’s any of my business. But I think I should be allowed to explore my hobbies as well.

Sorry this was so long! But does anyone have any experience of this? Did you go anyway? Did you decide against it?

He sounds very controlling to me and I wouldn’t appreciate him threatening me. Is he much older than you?

Definitely go on your trip. He is not your boss.

My first husband was very similar. He however refused to travel outside the Uk but wasn’t happy for me to go on my own. Second time I went abroad without him he said he’d change the locks if I went. I went anyway. He didn’t change the locks. Other controlling and abusive behaviours were already there but got worse over the years and I left. Book the trip. Life’s too bloody short!

Mine would say "I don't like the idea of you alone there because xyz" if he felt like I could be in danger, but he would never say "you can't go alone".

It's the "can't" and the threat of him causing problems that's the red flags here. Can't suggests he thinks he can decide for you, and the threat is coercing you to do what he seems correct, so you're not having to deal with the problems.

He’s jealous

This is disturbing especially the threat about what will happen if you go. Please don't get pregnant, abuse tends to ramp up when that happens

He sounds jealous, controlling and worried you're going to see more of life and realise you made the wrong decision to be with him

When he’s saying you’ll have to watch your back, are you wanting to visit somewhere with quite a high crime rate? I’m only asking because he could feel anxious about the possibility of something happening to you as a solo female if so. It does sound controlling overall though and I would be inclined to just go regardless. I travel every now and then alone and most places are fine, you have to be savvy and streetwise obviously.

Huge red flags and I will put money on their being other red flags in your relationship that you haven't noticed yet and that more will develop.

You met him young... was he also very young or a bit older? Because ift he latter, that's a red flag right there.

"overwhelmed" by your family? Bollocks. That's a control tactic to get you to spend less time with them, be less influenced by them / less reliant on them so that you are only reliant on him. I bet he's not wild about you spending time with them one-on-one either.

You WFH a lot. How convenient for him. What happens when you do go into the office? How does he feel about drinks out with the team? Especialyl if there are men involved? Or do you find you don't do that much?

If you met young, I suspect it was easy for him to control and limit you as you were used to those boundaries. As you get older, and attempt to pull away or gain more independence, his control will ramp up. Things might "improve" for a while after you have chidren because you'll most likely naturally slip into the lead parent role, being at home etc. But it's still there, it's just the children are the control tactic.

I wouldn’t like the fact that he would have a big problem when you got back. Surely his concern is for your wellbeing so if you got back safe and enjoyed your break, what is there to have a problem with?

I could understand his concern for your safety but he's presented it in a controlling and patronising manner, which I would not appreciate at all.

Unless you've missed something important (e.g. it's Tehran) then I'd be seriously questioning this relationship. Using threats to control you is just abuse. Unless he comes back grovelling for his shitty language, I'd be out of there.

Just chiming in with PP - lots of red flags. Sounds controlling and disrespectful. At best, this needs to be nipped in the bud (if it can), at worst, you need to consider your future with him, and what compromises and unhappiness may be in store for you. You need to be you, and a healthy relationship shouldn't get in the way of that. In any case, please don't have children with him until you have figured this out.

Oh we'd have a problem right now if he thought he could tell me what I could and couldn't do. As for not wanting to hear any more from me? Too fucking bad, he'd hear plenty. Go nuclear and rip him a new one, controlling, patronising prick.

I can't express to you how delighted I would be if you @Samuelthespaniel posted that you had decided to leave him and were making all the preparations for divorce. This seems like the thin edge of the wedge. If you give in to this with the thinly-veiled threats (of course it's a threat, it makes no sense to say if it isn't!) then I expect the controlling behaviour will just escalate.

A normal response is to say that he feels concerned for your wellbeing while there, what can you do to keep yourself safe etc etc. Hinting that he'll punish you in some way if you go anyway is just appalling.

This is a 'sliding doors moment' in your life / marriage

If you let him rule over you and you don't go, then I doubt you'll ever be going anywhere alone without this type of push back again in the future

Only you can decide what you want your life to look like

Also, the way he speaks to you "I don't want to hear from you for the rest of the evening" plus the threats if you do go - not only does he not speak to you respectfully, he doesn't see you as equal parties in this marriage.

And for what it's worth, I'm currently travelling in Thailand solo, my DH is totally fine with it.

What he said is a threat and telling you he doesn't want to hear from you for the rest of the evening is both controlling and threatening.

So disappointing when an otherwise normal human being displays these pathetic inadequacies. Oh dear, OP.

You must push back on this because if you give in it will set the status quo and he'll be even more confident about forbidding you in future. If you later have kids and/or become financially dependent on him you won't even have the option to demur.

My husband doesn't particularly like it when I occasionally go away but that is because he misses me and we have kids so it leaves him more to juggle. But he wouldn't try and stop me because he knows I would go anyway. I did a fair bit of solo travel before we met so the "you need someone to look after you" line really wouldn't wash. We do usually go away together but I've been to Athens on my own since we've been married and to Paris last year with just our youngest. I'm a big girl, I know how to be sensible! And I won't be ordered around by a man, even a "caring" one.

"We are going to have a problem" gave me a bit of a chill. If he says it again you could retort "no YOU will have a problem".

Is he generally very anxious? It sounds a bit like he doesn't trust you.

To me that's controlling and I would be going anyway if I were you. It's one thing I cannot abide in couples, you don't own each other.

All that said I know many women who wouldn't go alone and I see it on here all the time, women telling each other their partner it totally unreasonable for leaving them for stag weekends or because they are pregnant or because they are having a bad time in other ways. I've often commented that I think its controlling and been strongly criticised for this (male apologist apparently). Many people believe that your partners views trump your own wants. Personally I think that's bollocks and he needs to get over his feelings and see that you want to go. Also many people use worry as means of control, even if they don't believe this is the case. Repeatedly telling people how worried you will be if they do something is a selfish controlling tactic IMO but sadly often justified by people.

I think you need to establish whether he doesn't want you to go because he doesnt believe women should travel (misogyny), or if he thinks couples should only go together (co dependant, controlling) or if he genuinely worries and thinks you won't be safe (loving but controlling). Either way I think you should go and deal with consequences.

This is awful-he is being so unreasonable.

Edited for duplication.

He definitely threatened you.

Hugely controlling and a massive red flag. I went solo travelling for six weeks and my partner did nothing except wish me a lovely time. He missed me of course but it would never occur to him to be anything other than supportive of my plans (as I would be to him).

Unless you had children which you dont you dont need permission from anyone on this planet to do whatever you want to do, he is wrong and controlling and if you have kids with him will be 100% worse , go on your trip and tell.him if he doesnt like it he knows where the door is, a friend would not be able to dictate to you whether you can go away or not why on earth do you think a partner has that right, no human being has that right

Is he one of those that thinks anything away from his country is a cesspit of crime?