To just decide not to get married.

[narnia2025]

I have posted about this before but it is still a thing and I just don’t know what to do.

we were planning on getting married earlier this year but I have been really ill and it just went on the back burner plus the stress of trying to work out who to invite due to the fact we are planning on doing a statoury ceremony with only two witnesses allowed being so overwhelming I just couldn’t think about it.

we are now really wanting to think about booking something but again it is just so stressful as we still haven’t told anyone we are getting married. I know it is going to open the floodgates of people giving their opinions or being upset about the two witnesses. We have looked at the next one up which would be 15 guests but we would still have to make hard decisions which would mean not inviting siblings spouses due to size of family. We can’t really afford any more then that and honestly my dp does not want it. He wants to marry me and is excited about it but he really doesn’t want a wedding and nor do I. Even eloping and going away just isn’t in the price range.

its got to the point that even though I really want this I am thinking of just not bothering. I don’t want to upset people. I don’t want anymore stress. In an ideal world we would pick two strangers or acquaintances and do it that way but I know that is probably still gonna cause stress.

This is silly, OP. You’re letting the incidentals get in the way of something important. Choose two people you know will be free and not make a fuss you don’t want, and just don’t tell anyone.

Just have the wedding just the two of you and ignore everyone else's opinion. Its your life not theirs.

This is what me and my husband did and it was lovely, no stress, and we just told people after. Those who knew us well completely understood why we did it

I know it probably seems silly. I have just seen so many posts but also things in real life where not being invited has caused hell and I don’t want to upset anyone especially the mums and grandparents. Dp thinks whatever fall out will blow over pretty fast.

Do it but don’t tell anyone

We got married at a registry office with my friend and her husband as witnesses. We didn’t tell anyone until after the event. Only my DM was upset for a while. Everyone else in the family appeared relieved that they didn’t have a wedding to go to and the costs involved.

Go to the register office, drag in two randoms off the street, and just do it.

If I was you I would just pick a friend each as a witness that you trust and dont tell anyone else. At least then no family can moan that some were invited and some werent. Anyone that really cares about you will understand your choices, and if they dont is it worth worrying that they arent happy?

We had a registry office wedding with our two best friends as witnesses (and it was a total surprise to one of them, we'd had to let her husband in on it). Followed by dinner at our favourite restaurant, where the whole place sang Congratulations to us. Fab day filled with love and laughter.
My adult SD refused to speak to us for months. Best wedding present I could've asked for! 😂

Not if you don’t tell anyone!

Just do it OP, ask two strangers and don't tell anyone you've done it.

And, bluntly, so what? You’re the two people getting married. Your own feelings about your wedding are more important than anyone else’s.its ridiculous to consider not getting married in case some family pitches a fit that they didn’t get a chance to wear a hat or criticise your dress.

Centre yourself here.

If I ever got married again (and I do not intend to) this is exactly what I would do. Sounds wonderful!

I agree with all the PP’s - and of course it’s the marriage that is important, not the wedding.

I agree with your DP. Just do it and let the chips fall where they may.

Could you have a registry office wedding, tell people you don't want a fuss and they're welcome to come along if they want and have a pub lunch afterwards. If not sod everyone else, as other posters have said do what you really want to add everyone else will get over it. Be selfish, have what you want.

I am planning to have his last name so will need to tell people after the fact.

My sister just got married and there were 19 of us in total - both sets of parents, siblings and families. I said to her that I would be perfectly ok with not being invited to the ceremony if they only wanted parents there. Maybe your family would be more understanding than you think.

They’re having a party in a few months to appease those not invited but they also just love a party. No traditional wedding stuff.

It's just a form, ask two neighbours (like you would if you had something else legal to sign and you need witnesses).

Well yes, but tell them after it is done, and they have no chance to ruin it.

Your priorities are all wrong, OP.

I mean, to me that’s a really reactionary idea, but, even if you’ve posted do change your name, surely you don’t have to announce it to the world at large?

So maybe someone will see your passport at some point, but that might be give or ten years?

Why is other people's potential upset more important than what you both want? Just be selfish! It doesn't matter. It's nobody else's business. They'll get over it. Not your problem.

Do it, and announce if after the event if you want/need to.

A few might be grumpy for a bit, before realising what a bonus it is they don't have to buy outfits and gifts etc.

You may get a request to have a party to celebrate where your family will want to invite the extended families to show off. Let them if they want!

I've gone with YABU but my vote will change if you:
-Have no children
-Do not intend to have any children
-All property/bank accounts are in your name as well as his
-You are completely financially independent of each other
-You have a very strong relationship with his family

My SIL was in a similar position and they decided not to get married.

3 years later, after she'd given up her job to be a SAHM, she was shocked to find that she owned nothing and was entitled to nothing.

I also knew someone whose partner went into a coma and then died and she was completely shut out from all his medical decisions, not able to visit him in hospital, not even invited to the wake and she had to sell the house to give half of it to his parents.

Absolutely this!

If the two of you want to marry then you should.
Draw up a list and pros and cons of each option.
Firstly does it have to be a wedding some dodge drama by registration of civil partnership - less emotive no one can moan I can’t believe you didn’t invite your mum to your wedding.
Small wedding 2 witnesses. Do it and don’t tell. Or Tell after event. Do as an elopement but locally - I’ve seen some hotels offer this - photographer and assistant are witnesses.
Or book 15 room and be clear that you only want a small wedding and due to room size only parents are invited etc.