To just decide not to get married.

[narnia2025]

I have posted about this before but it is still a thing and I just don’t know what to do.

we were planning on getting married earlier this year but I have been really ill and it just went on the back burner plus the stress of trying to work out who to invite due to the fact we are planning on doing a statoury ceremony with only two witnesses allowed being so overwhelming I just couldn’t think about it.

we are now really wanting to think about booking something but again it is just so stressful as we still haven’t told anyone we are getting married. I know it is going to open the floodgates of people giving their opinions or being upset about the two witnesses. We have looked at the next one up which would be 15 guests but we would still have to make hard decisions which would mean not inviting siblings spouses due to size of family. We can’t really afford any more then that and honestly my dp does not want it. He wants to marry me and is excited about it but he really doesn’t want a wedding and nor do I. Even eloping and going away just isn’t in the price range.

its got to the point that even though I really want this I am thinking of just not bothering. I don’t want to upset people. I don’t want anymore stress. In an ideal world we would pick two strangers or acquaintances and do it that way but I know that is probably still gonna cause stress.

We got married without any guests (we were abroad and didn’t need witnesses). It did cause some hurt feelings at the time, but we had neither the money nor the inclination for a big wedding. Eventually people got over it and we’ve been very happily married for over a decade now.

If it is JUST about the price then do ask parents and grandparents what they want to do. If each of your 20 people gave you £20 instead of a wedding present you’d be sorted. It’s also to e to ask people to pay for their own pub meal afterwards as long as you’re up front about it (and as long as you’re not spending £££££ on a dress and flowers or anything!)

Firstly, you need to separate (1) marriage and (2) wedding. They are totally different things. If you want the legal status of marriage, this doesn't necessarily have to involve a big wedding ceremony

If you do actually want to invite your immediate family of 20 and cost is the only issue, could you ask them all to "bring a plate" in a church hall? That would be a very cheap option

But if you don't want to invite your family, then (1) own it, (2) have the confidence to do what you want and (3) accept that this will hurt some people's feelings

You’re mixing up a wedding and a marriage. I had the most beautiful lovely posh wedding. It was gorgeous and expensive (I didn’t personally spend a penny, family money and all). I never think about my wedding. It really didn’t matter that much. It’s the marriage that counts.

Have the small wedding. Do the 15 person one but just invite parents and siblings and best friends. Do it on a Tuesday morning and go for lunch after before you and new Dh head off for a little honeymoon break. I love my BIL (no siblings of mine own), but if he got married on a Tuesday morning and only invited Dh due to numbers, I’d be like, fab, enjoy your day! I wouldn’t have to organise a day off and someone to collect the kids at school. Great! I could send Dh off with a card and gift and be done with it. I think you are probably overestimating how much people actually want to attend weddings.

That seems a big price jump from statutory to a small room. Can you check neighbouring council areas and hotels.
I think separate who you want to be there and who is less essential eg not inviting your mum is a much bigger deal than not inviting sister’s boyfriend. How many are you if you have you and do, child, parents and grandparents.

It’s not just about the cost. We also want a very small wedding but the cost is a big thing and I don’t really want to ask favours as we have had loans from family while I have been ill.

I have searched. That is actually the cheapest. It seems there is one price for statoury and then all the other rooms are the standard 400 and something quid. We have checked our county and two neighbouring. It’s all very similar.

I would get married in a registery office with a meal afterwards and include both sets of parents and grandparents, but if that is too expensive or too much hassle, then have it just the two of you with random witnesses. I wouldn't be changing my name though.

The legal status is the main reason if I’m honest and the fact that I want to be his wife. I just really don’t want a big thing of having to book the bigger room as then I would have to think of a dres, then we would have to pay for a lunch etc and I just want to sign the papers and be his wife.

It is totally up to you, but you seem to have wanted marriage, and it doesn't have to be big. Just go to the registry office if that's what you want. Or if not, just tell everyone there's health issues you won't be discussing, and that you will let them know if and when anything happens in the future, but please don't mither about it now.

I think a lot of it comes down to how you present it to your family. Have the basic service with a trusted friend each so you have what you want. Then tell your family in a low key way that you decided to get the contractual bit done so you have legal security and when you're feeling better up to it, you'll plan a celebration for family and friends. This gives you time to work out what you want that to be and you're not tied to a wedding venue so it will be cheaper. The wider world doesn't need to know.

That’s a shame. My council is £124.50 inclusive of certificate for statutory and £160 up to 10 guests Monday morning so not much more. The fee for registrar at religious premises is £177, not sure if that’s an option at a local church who may just ask for a donation.

Just the two of you. And two witnesses. And if anyone gets upset they might want to reflect why you chose to do it with just two of you. Less stress. Less drama. Less cost. Anyone lovely should be happy for you. Not moan about not being invited.

Just go to the registry office

Dont make a big deal of it, dont tell anyone before

If you want just 2 of you and witnesses do just that. Maybe have your mums as witnesses and then go out for a small meal after with parents.

I couldn’t find anything like that at all with that kind of price.

Lancashire. Maybe give your council a call and ask you won’t be first wanting a few more than statutory but not a big do.
https://www.lancashire.gov.uk/births-marriages-and-deaths/ceremonies/marriage-and-civil-partnership-fees/

Would anyone care if they weren’t invited to a 10 minute civil partnership, if you framed it as legal admin only to save on the cost of making wills/powers of attorney etc.?

thought it would be up north. We are in a more expensive area down south.

have called two county’s registry office and they were both very similar. The stat weddings are very strict and cheaper where as the next level up just to atleast 400

Pick two witnesses or ask if there is some at offices who'll do it or acquaintances - and then maybe have a party later for everyone else if you can afford.

DH cousin did wedding abroad then booked hall and did party for everyone else later - we did go and it was fun bride loved wearing dress again. I was invited to similar few years earlier in their area - parents only at wedding and then everyone in hall afterwards.

We had eight guests - parents siblings and best man and wife - who had kids but they stayed with their DGP for weekend - and had few more over at flat afterwards who were in the city.

You could do the basic wedding - then have everyone else over at your house for a party/celebration later.

Another option is to do statutory legal and then have a small none legal ceremony at a venue of your choice, you can get celebrants for this.
If you are happy with you and 2 witnesses I’d go with that.

My friend said rather than offend some people she was going to offend everyone!
She had a midweek registry office ceremony with her best friend and her partner's best as witnesses (had they not been available she would have collared a couple of people off the street).

You've answered your own dilemma here.

Just choose two people who won't tell anyone else (one person each, unless you have joint friends who are a couple) and go off and get married.

None of your immediate family need to be aware you have changed your name. How often do your close family call you 'Miss 2025' that would need to know you are now 'Mrs 2026' ? They currently call you Narnia and will continue to call you Narnia.

Then, 2, 3, 8, 10 years later when it comes up for some reason, you can just say "Oh, remember when I was ill in 26/26? We decided it would make sense legally if we were married, so we went and did it without any fuss. We didn't want "a wedding", just the legal side".

Funny how you can get divorced online, England & Wales, but not the reverse. Maybe this will change.

Edited - apparently you can have a virtual marriage ceremony via a US company and get your certificate apostilled for UK recognition.

We went to Gretna. It was fabulous. Just the two of us then called everyone afterwards to tell them. Best day of my life ☺️