To just decide not to get married.

[narnia2025]

I have posted about this before but it is still a thing and I just don’t know what to do.

we were planning on getting married earlier this year but I have been really ill and it just went on the back burner plus the stress of trying to work out who to invite due to the fact we are planning on doing a statoury ceremony with only two witnesses allowed being so overwhelming I just couldn’t think about it.

we are now really wanting to think about booking something but again it is just so stressful as we still haven’t told anyone we are getting married. I know it is going to open the floodgates of people giving their opinions or being upset about the two witnesses. We have looked at the next one up which would be 15 guests but we would still have to make hard decisions which would mean not inviting siblings spouses due to size of family. We can’t really afford any more then that and honestly my dp does not want it. He wants to marry me and is excited about it but he really doesn’t want a wedding and nor do I. Even eloping and going away just isn’t in the price range.

its got to the point that even though I really want this I am thinking of just not bothering. I don’t want to upset people. I don’t want anymore stress. In an ideal world we would pick two strangers or acquaintances and do it that way but I know that is probably still gonna cause stress.

We have a child together. One reason why the whole marriage thing came up.

Blimey what sort of parents would do that!! Shocking.

If you get on with parents and grandparents I’d book a small room with them.

Oh god just do it and don't tell anyone. Pick the two witnesses, or I think you can even get the register office etc to find people for you? If you both want to be married that is the important part, not all the other stress / stuff that surrounds it. You could always have a large gathering afterwards?

Even eloping and going away just isn’t in the price range.

Your two witnesses do not have to be family or friends. You can ask anyone so you don't need to elope to another destination, you can do it in your own town which won't cost you any extra.

Basically stick to Plan A but choose witnesses not related to either of you in any way.

The last par here is why I decided to get married. I saw how strict hospitals were around rights and decided that in my mid thirties I didn’t want my parents having more life/death power than my partner of a decade. Also the financial protection once we had kids.

It's your wedding, bottom line. Do what you want to do? Don't let anyone stop you if you want to get married please!
Sounds silly but my partner and I always planned for a drive-thru wedding in Vegas, married by Elvis. No family, no friends, just us two and a fun time. I think weddings are out of control in the UK and cost silly amounts of money to please all the relatives/friends. Now we are thinking of becoming civil partners instead, off to an office somewhere and sign a register.

Seen all sorts of things in law firms I’ve worked in over the years. People often behave differently when money involved.
Can you unpick what’s important to you and dp. So you want marriage but small do. Want to tell people. Then go from there. Book it. Then tell people. Be firm in your choices.
I suspect siblings spouses won’t care. Not inviting your mum and dad if you are close is a bigger potential for upset.

As someone who recently married without telling anyone beforehand our families were absolutely fine about it. The key for them was that it wasn’t a pick and choose I.e some people knew / invited and others weren’t. My Mum who was most upset initially was then absolutely fine once she accepted that she hadn’t been excluded from something others (I.e friends attended or knew about). I wouldn’t have changed it for the world, my relationship with my partner (now husband) is of no one else’s concern but our own! We had also kept our engagement private which helped.

I'd get married just the two of you and ask people to come round for a drink and tell them then. It's really important for your security to get married, especially if you have a child.

They will get over it. Just don’t tell anyone in advance.

Choose 2 witnesses, get married and don’t tell anyone. you can do the paperwork to change your name afterwards… you don’t need to tell anyone apart from officials like passport and bank if you want to change your name.

We got married, 2 adult DC were witnesses, we didn’t tell anyone until 18 months later.

Me and my partner always say if we ever get married we will just go to Vegas and do it alone and incorporate it into a holiday. I have no interest on wasting 1000s on a wedding that will just cause stress.

If you Google the words eloping marriage Cornwall you'll find some lovely agencies that offer an eloping package, you get a one night or two nights stay in a lovely villa on the beach with ceremony, hosts can be your witnesses, photographer plus wedding. Can be just for you and your future husband or you can add a few more guests. I really don't understand why society has made weddings so stressful.

Choose 2 strangers to be witnesses and go for it @narnia2025 .

He was transgender and they blamed her for somehow ruining their daughter, even though he was trans before they met. They hadn't been in contact for sometime before it happened. Horrible people, imo.

I have a friend who got NOTHING.
She quit work for 5 years to nurse her partner of 18yrs through a terminal illness.

The day of the funeral, his parents kicked her out of his house.
They wouldn’t even let her arrange to collect furniture she had bought.
She couldn’t even take items that he had gifted her. They said as far as they were concerned nothing in the house was hers apart from her clothes and personal items.

She had to pack a few bags and present as homeless for emergency housing.

As bad as the parents were, it was equally awful that her partner had made no provisions for her at all.

A wedding is for you, not them. Id probably be more concerned about why I was such a massive people pleaser who is putting everyone else's feelings above my own when its my wedding

I’m in the ‘just do it’ camp. I knew someone who invited the three living parents and two friends as witnesses and went to the pub afterwards. Easy.

Just invite close family.

If you want to be married, but don’t want a wedding then that’s what you should do. Marriage is an important legal contract and binding commitment to each other that you shouldn’t throw away because other people want a party. You don’t even have to tell anyone if you don’t want to.

The issue with this is that our close family is rather big so just parents, grandparents, siblings their spouses and then kids is atleast 20 people. If we start streamlining it we know people will have opinions. It also adds 400 quid to the price. If we only do stat wedding it’s only 60 quid but it’s strictly only two witnesses.

You don’t even need to tell everyone that you are married, so just do it.

What about getting two local Mumsnetters to be your witnesses? I’ve seen that done on here more than once before and it has worked out well.
If you wanted to, you could then tell everyone you’re getting married with two witnesses you’ve already chosen, and if they want to wait outside to throw confetti, take photos and go for a celebration drink in the pub afterwards they would be welcome to do so.
You don’t need to confirm numbers as it’s a casual pub visit. You don’t need to pay, everyone can buy their own drinks. Nobody has to feel they’ve been left out.

Civil partners is actually a very good idea. It’s functionally identical, but may take some of the emotion out of telling people. More of a “we did this legal thing” rather than all the baggage of “we got married and didn’t invite you”