Give me some rational opinions (another husband one)

[Jellyfruit]

Married 10 years. A 5yo and 3yo. Husband works 55hrs/wk over 6days (physical job) and I work 27hrs/wk over 3 days (gov job). I am well paid, so finance wise this isn't that unequal.

Routinely, our lives descend into a big 'blow up'. I can't stand to be around him or listen to his excuses. It's always that he 'does more than most men', which to me would be a sad state of affairs if true.

Before kids I was highly strung. Husband was generally quite laid back. This wasn't an issue until the children came along. Quite frankly, I'm sick of managing everyone's lives.

I do all drop offs/ pick ups unless I specifically plan for Husband to do this because I'm busy elsewhere. House is big. Absolute nightmare to maintain. And I'm not big into cleaning, so routinely I need to tackle spaces and sort them out (Husband and kids leave things strewn everywhere). It's not unhygienic but it affects my mood.

This is how it's roughly split:
Drop offs/ pick ups- 100% me (unless prearranged very sporadically).
Shopping- 100% me.
Cooking- 90 (me)/ 10 (him)
Dishes- 80 (me)/ 20 (him)
Medical/ dental appointments (kids)- 100% me.
Kids sports/ activities- 100% me.
Clothes shopping/ rotation/ payment for kids- 100% me.
Holiday scheduling and payment- 100% me.
Bathtimes- 50/50.
General cleaning- 90 (me)/ 10 (him).
School prep (lunches/ bags/ trips etc)- 100% me.
Taking bins out- 10 (me)/ 90 (him)
Outside maintenance- 100% him.

I am just so sick of running the show. I feel like i exist to sort everything in this family and it's driving me mad. But am I expecting too much of my husband? What would be a fair split to anyone else? I'll caveat that by saying I have to tell him what needs done. Every. Single. Time.😖Just so fed up!!

1 That's family life..
2 Draw up a schedule and add to his tasks.
3 Teach kids more tasks. Stop allowing people to dump stuff. If they do, chuck it in a big bin and tell them it's their fault.

YANBU as you are doing all of the mental load and the vast majority of housework.

However, he is working quite long hours 6 days a week, so realistically I’m not sure how much more he could do. He definitely shouldn’t create a mess and should pick up after himself.

If money is not an issue, could you hire a cleaner? I used to feel like you do and this was the best investment in the wellbeing of my marriage. I’m much more relaxed and less resentful towards DH knowing that it’s not up to me to clean the house.

Yes, sometimes I think I should go to work more as that seems to be the get out clause. But then the house would absolutely descend into chaos.

What has set it off today is I'm standing preparing the toddler's lunch and she's crying around my legs whilst husband scrolls on his phone. Either lift the toddler or take over the lunch! Just ridiculous behaviour from an adult.

It does sound annoying but you have 4 days to tackle these tasks and he has 1 so it sort of makes sense that you do 80% of house stuff. If you worked more you could afford a cleaner or something?

@butimamonstersaidthemonster yes maybe you're right.

I don't want to do the house stuff (no interest) but work part time because I hate the children being in Daycare and try to limit that. I guess I need to male a choice here. I'm my own worst enemy.

I would have thought divorce was the entirely obvious solution here?!?

you do everything anyway and can’t stand him.

@arethereanyleftatall he is a nice person underneath it all. Nicer than me anyhow. But yes, it may all become clear then 😆

You have 28 hours a week more than him. Taking that into account, I'd day it's a pretty fair split.

What’s the financial as opposed to time split? Can he contribute more so you can get a cleaner who will do some housekeeping duties too?

DH can you
a) take over lunch while I deal with toddler
B) deal with toddler while I finish lunch
You are making this very hard for yourself OP.

@secretsquid yes, I suspect that perhaps IATA 😅

@jlou08 I think I just resent all the house stuff. Maybe working more hours in paid work is the answer. Saves resentment on my part.

@sparkletastic pay is equal.

could you hire a cleaner and fit in a dishwasher somewhere @Jellyfruit?

As for his "I do more than most men", you are married to him (other men are completely irrelevant) and if you require him to step up, in various areas, then he should help out.

When DH said “I do more than most men” to me, I said “but do you do as much as me?” He had no answer to that one.

Before kids I was highly strung. Husband was generally quite laid back.

Have you ever thought you were highly strung BECAUSE he was so laid back? I used to marvel how my Ex was so calm and relaxed and yet I was a hot mess juggling things. Turns out I was like this because laid back is just another word for selfish, lazy, unsupportive.

Try this sentence instead:
I am highly strung because my husband is generally quite selfish and lazy.

Rationally:

in most households with small kids there is more stuff to do than there is adult time to do it. Take one adult per week as 100% - well, you have 200% worth of adult time to allocate.

some households choose to work both full time in which case the children spend time in nursery.

you could do this and would presumably have additional money from this choice. You could use this money to pay a cleaner (although if both kids are in full time childcare the house gets significantly less dirty).

if you want to spend time with your kids then doing activities with them at home means significantly more mess and dirt and just general sorting shit out.

in my personal experience I found it easier once I separated the planning from the doing - so I would do a meal plan per half term with Monday pasta Tuesday slow cooker Wednesday picky bits etc etc.

Divorce doesn’t generally help in this situation - you wind up poorer but still with the same costs - although for some getting rid of the resentment is worth it.

changing your perspective and what you do is easier than changing someone else.

i stayed at home until my youngest was in school. It wasn’t fun as such especially with cleaning etc but I chose to do it because I believed it was best for my kids and I cut corners elsewhere (cooking fancy meals was out the window etc)

I can’t believe men aren’t thoroughly embarrassed as a cohort to say things like ‘I do more than most men’. They are essentially saying that their sex are shit, and why would you boast about that?!? ‘Yes, many men are thoroughly useless, I have absolutely no idea why that would mean you should do less than me.’

@karmakameleon love it!! And so true!

@pixiedust1234 absolutely get what you're saying. I pick up the slack every time. I think the ball doesn't drop because I'm always holding it. Maybe I should let it roll away for a while.. but then he'd feed the children takeaways and send them out in I'll fitting clothes! And I couldn't stand by 😅

Given your hourly rate is double his, your hours of working don’t make any sense. But it sounds like he wouldn’t do any more if he worked less because he’s too dumb to see what needs doing. In order of preference, my options would be

1. divorce
2. if you don’t want that for some reason, I would work more hours if I were you, and outsource everything

I agree that having to ask all the time is the worst part. I do note that he’s working 9 hour days though, that’s bloody hard. Pick up the toddler and hand them to him.

I’m sorry, you are in the trenches with toddlers and it’s all a bit shit. It can get better. Sorry to be boringly MN about this, but can you afford a cleaner? It makes such a huge fucking difference in life.

Also ask him what hobby/activity he would like to do with the kids when they are older. Football? Running? Scouts? Musical theatre? Rock School? Talk about how much you are looking forward to the day when he heads off happily with them to do activity X at the weekend/weds nights and you can applaud his excellent dadness. Get him to come up with something and then start prodding him to make it happen at the earliest possible opportunity.

@arethereanyleftatall this is the thing. There's nothing dumb about him. He runs two businesses, so he can apply himself there with ease.

Another thing I observe is his parent's dynamics. And I think that says it all. The mother= home keeper (but also brings in a wage) whilst father= busy business man 😑 I don't want my children growing up thinking this imbalance is acceptable!

Does he have any redeeming features?

From what you’ve said so far you sound very incompatible, and that any shift is likely to be a temporary improvement only.

If he’s a keeper in other respects, take steps to reduce your load to a level where you feel happier (and less prone to resentment) — eg
*hire a cleaner,
*pay a young person to help several times a week mornings/evenings (good job for Uni students)
*relax your standards of home organisation to “good enough”
*recognise that you may have levels of anxiety and irritation that are not healthy for you or your family — seek therapy

Oh @permanenttemporary i agree with your theory but it was me taking the older child to Dad's dream sport (9am on a Saturday) whilst he worked. I've stopped. Child wasn't fussed on the sport. It's of no consequence to me personally.

@likewhatyoudo at the end of the day I'd be so sad to break up the family. He's a good person. And I'm an unreasonable person. So I think you're right in that I need to work on me and sod the house. At the end of the day we are all well and my perfectionism is most likely making life harder. Adjusting my expectations will be hard though.

So normally I would agree the dh should do his share but he is working 9 hours a day for 6 days which is a punishing schedule, especially in a physical job. He is contributing a bit to things so not a lost cause.

The house maintenance appears to be a bigger concern - can you get a cleaner in to help with that? Can he help more with school prep and lunches, dishes etc- things like that. Target little things which may make a big difference.