Give me some rational opinions (another husband one)

[Jellyfruit]

Married 10 years. A 5yo and 3yo. Husband works 55hrs/wk over 6days (physical job) and I work 27hrs/wk over 3 days (gov job). I am well paid, so finance wise this isn't that unequal.

Routinely, our lives descend into a big 'blow up'. I can't stand to be around him or listen to his excuses. It's always that he 'does more than most men', which to me would be a sad state of affairs if true.

Before kids I was highly strung. Husband was generally quite laid back. This wasn't an issue until the children came along. Quite frankly, I'm sick of managing everyone's lives.

I do all drop offs/ pick ups unless I specifically plan for Husband to do this because I'm busy elsewhere. House is big. Absolute nightmare to maintain. And I'm not big into cleaning, so routinely I need to tackle spaces and sort them out (Husband and kids leave things strewn everywhere). It's not unhygienic but it affects my mood.

This is how it's roughly split:
Drop offs/ pick ups- 100% me (unless prearranged very sporadically).
Shopping- 100% me.
Cooking- 90 (me)/ 10 (him)
Dishes- 80 (me)/ 20 (him)
Medical/ dental appointments (kids)- 100% me.
Kids sports/ activities- 100% me.
Clothes shopping/ rotation/ payment for kids- 100% me.
Holiday scheduling and payment- 100% me.
Bathtimes- 50/50.
General cleaning- 90 (me)/ 10 (him).
School prep (lunches/ bags/ trips etc)- 100% me.
Taking bins out- 10 (me)/ 90 (him)
Outside maintenance- 100% him.

I am just so sick of running the show. I feel like i exist to sort everything in this family and it's driving me mad. But am I expecting too much of my husband? What would be a fair split to anyone else? I'll caveat that by saying I have to tell him what needs done. Every. Single. Time.😖Just so fed up!!

Have I missed you saying you've had this conversation with him, @Jellyfruit , or are you silently resentful?

I'm a single parent, my son is at primary school, and I work part time for myself. I hate housework with a passion, so I have a weekly cleaner. Yes I could do it myself, but I don't want to, so the cost of a cleaner is worth it to me.

You are never going to change him.
As you said elsewhere, work is part of his identity, and he wants to follow the template his parents set.

Unfortunately, he has married the wrong woman, because you don't like housework.

These are your choices:

a. Let the housework slip. Drop your standards until you no longer feel resentment. You can change yourself, but you can't change him.

b. Put the children in nursery / childcare, go back to work full time, then throw money at the problem: cleaner, ironing and laundry service, high quality ready meals (e.g. Cook brand) or food-box service. Seriously consider moving into a town or city for the longer term.

c. Divorce, then you won't be resenting his presence every day. Likely with his workload he will see the DC one day every other weekend.

Sounds to me like you need some open honest conversations. Don't seethe with resentment or expect him to notice what you do. working extra hours when you don't really want to is a bit passive aggressive (or could in fact be used to pay for a full day of cleaning?). Use your words and say what needs doing or how you need helping.

Fundamentally, when there are young kids around there is absolutely no such thing as free time. From the moment they are awake to the moment they go to bed (and then all the bits around the edges of that). He needs to be helped to realise his longer hours don't mean he gets to 'down tools' once home.

Sounds perfectly fair, you have 28hours every week more than him. I assume you are working part time on the understanding you pick up the majority of the household jobs. 28 hours is more than enough to keep things ticking over.

I certainly don't think you can class clothes shopping and holiday planning as chores either.

I work about 15 hours a week less than my husband so obviously do the majority of the household tasks.
If I find myself thinking why can't he do the ironing tonight I give my head a wobble and realise I finished work 3 hours earlier than he has.

This. This. This.

You have to find jobs he can, and will, do in order to have a fairer split.
Possibilities

1. vacuuming
2. washing up
3. veg prep
4. stripping and making the beds
5. putting washing machine/ dishwasher on
6. cleaning the windows
7. tidying up
8. taking the rubbish out
9. childrens lunch boxes
10. food shopping (my DP never got the right things in the supermarket) I got DP to do the veg and fruit at the greengrocers instead- he got what was seasonal that the the greengrocer suggested-I rolled with using what he brought.
11. Bath night with the kids- men often enjoy this, but make sutre they tidy up afterwards.

You also have to stop being a perfectionist- a home with children is never going to look like a show home- you need accept this.

Your resentment isn’t because of the split I don’t think but because you hate doing the tasks themselves.

Honestly, the split seems fair considering you work less than half the time he does and you get 4 full days off every week to his 1 day off. Realistically he should do about 1/4 of what you do if you spend an equal proportion of your free time doing chores.

However, just get a bloody cleaner and save yourself the aggro if you hate and resent cleaning! I am exactly the same way and the cleaner is the best investment ever - I never have to do the big weekly tasks like showers/toilets/floors so only have to do the day to ones like hoovering/dishwasher/wiping sides etc which makes it much more manageable!

I think it is probably technically "fair", in that you both must get similar levels of leisure time (next to none).

However, with those (his) working hours, that is no life. I wouldn't want to have children with someone who was too busy working to spend time with them, and took no interest in their lives. Especially if I wasn't particularly interested in a homemaker role myself.

Ummm or he could have used his eyes and brain?

Why should OP have to manage another adult?

I’d run for the fucking hills. He definitely does not do more than most men btw out of me and DH I’m actually the slacker if I’m 100% honest. My saving grace is that I’m a banging cook.

I have done long days in a physical job before, and it is brutal but at the end of the day that’s life. Best advice for that is to find another job before it knackers him. I’m 26 and my back is 66 because I spent years lugging shit around and standing for ages. It really can do you in.

Whoever said ‘that’s family life’ it definitely isn’t. The labour is hugely unequal. Downsize your house and/or get a cleaner since you seem to be fine financially.

I'm not going to comment on your relationship except to say I was similar to you. I ended up with several health conditions due to the long term stress of juggling life/kids with a "laid back" husband, the anger and resentment was unreal but I was trapped by then. I'm now disabled and really regret not getting out when I could.

I'm getting my first cleaner this week. Quoted £22 per hour and they are based in the same area of my city. Yours will have added on fuel costs if you are rural.

We pay £20/hr and provide the products. It's approx £2 more than the standard rate where we live, but it means our cleaner is happy to come to us and standard rates increase each year.

If you're rural, meaning more commute costs and time, then £25/hr sounds reasonable.

Invest in your own happiness and well-being too. So, if a well-oiled house and home helps you feel happy, advertise for a family assistant (what used to be called "mother's helper") or home help). eg “We’re looking for a family assistant to help with childcare, household tasks and family logistics.” If you have any tertiary students within commuting distance, they might find it a good job (their schedules are often flexible and they have time in morning and evenings).

If an au pair wouldn't be too isolated where you live and you have space, you could also look into that while your kids are young. They're prime age for au pair assistance.

Jusy an observation about the "Drop Your Standards" comments.

I recently had a health scare due, on part to stress/mental load. I had to reflect that over the years I had taken on more and more stuff and DH did the typical, "Just ask for help" stuff.
If DH did do jobs, he would not do it how/when I would do it, so passive aggressive reactions would be what he got in return.

Yes, occasionally he would have weaponised incompetence, but a lot of the time I was just on the edge of/was controlling. I wanted it done when I asked (even if not urgent/time-bound except in my head) and my way was the only way to do it. Even if he did something amazingly...even when cleaning down the garden toys to put away for the winter, i got pissed off with him for making them "gleaming" rather than a quick brush/hose down...then that was his fault for not reading my mind.

Poor DH couldn't do right for wrong.

Health scare has thrown up some PTSD issues for me and we are having to change our approach. Including I am having to change (not necessarily drop) my standards. Not in a live-in-a-hovel kind of way, but in a this is a DH task, he will do it his way. He sees this differently.

My way and my timescales are not the only way.

I have to let go of things.

And it is still a work in progress. But wondered if it may help the standards issue and help open communication with your DH.

Well she shouldn't and he could but since he wasn't...

£20-25 per hour is common in my area. It’s not cheap but my thinking was that if I didn’t do something to get over the resentment, I’d spend that and more on counselling. So think of it as an investment in your marriage 😄

It seems you're fed up of your husband.
The "split" doesn't look unfair.

He’s working a hell of alot of hours in a physically demanding job.

You work less hours so therefore you do more housework/life admin.

Uae some of that hard earned money you both earn and outsource some things.

Get a cleaner, someone to sort the washing/ironing, set up your online food shop to come once a week with a standing order of regular things (bread, milk, cereal, cheese etc) so you don’t have to think about that and there’s always food available.

The split sounds completely fair. I think your issues are a) him and the kids leaving things everywhere and b) you don’t like housework but have ended up with a life where it naturally falls to you.

One of your kids is at school already and the other will be next year. Go back to work full time and use the money to pay for a cleaner.

OP, you have four days ‘off’ a week. He has one. And his job is physical labour and yours is not.
I think everyone deserves a day off a week. So does your H and so do you.

Maybe if he gets home in time he could cook a bit more or wash up more or something.

But this is a very rare case for me where I would say the balance of house and child labour should fairly fall on you.

It seems you hate that labour. Most do. But you are the one with the time to do it and you are the one with the office job, not the hard physical labour job. It is fair you do most of it.

House work. Someone's got to do it!
Get a cleaner, or do a written schedule for the pair of you based on time spent in the house.

At some point there must have been decisions made about who's going to do the lions share of it at home and who's going to work full time? Who wanted the massive house? Was having kids a joint decision and was child care discussed at the start?

I also don't think it sounds an unfair deal re the work load split. Family life is repetitive and uninspiring a lot of the time. Kids need loads of looking after mentally and physically. It goes on for years.

I don't know what to suggest.

You don't like house work - you'd rather work more hours to escape it. But you think a cleaner is too expensive and you don't want your kids in day care. Your DH only gets one day off a week but you don't want to do all the dropping off and picking up of the kids.

😳

This isn't dissimilar to our split except DH does more of the cleaning than yours (he does the washing up and wipe down of the kitchen every evening and the shower once a week) and our DC don't do any fixed activities so I'm free to decide what we do after nursery. Maybe the amount of commitments you have collectively is the main issue? Also agree with getting a cleaner if you hate cleaning. I don't mind doing a minimal amount but if I was working fixed hours I'd get one (I'm freelance so have a more on/off kind of rhythm and wfh).

In my experience a cleaner seems very expensive until you have one and then if they’re any good it feels about as essential as food

You have sacrificed full time working to be with your kids more. So do that. Your time is very valuable. Outsource some of the other stuff.

sounds like you need to even up the work hours. I don't think so much should fall on you but he's literally doing twice the hours you do, far more than most people's standard hours and he must be physically exhausted most days. What kind of commited do you both have?

I'd have a talk about increasing your hours on the understanding he reduces his. this will bring more money in as you have a higher hourly rate and you could use that extra money to out source some cleaning etc.

Might be worth staying to a timescale too to fill with what you both do all week so show him how your unpaid hours of family care balance his paid work, which will help plan who does what if you can increase your work hours.

Definitely get a cleaner.. that does sound a bit expensive, but maybe with travel it’s the going rate.

Drop offs etc seem fair as he’s presumably in work.

I think you need to frame it differently. When he is at work, then it’s fair that you are also working - either at your actual job or looking after children / cooking / doing pick ups etc.

However you should both have equal leisure time. And when you are both at home the work should be split equally. He can’t just opt out of anything because he’s been working. You’ve been “working” the whole time too.

It’s not fair that he gets to mentally clock off when he gets home and you never get to clock off. So if you are both at home in the evening and there is a list of tasks (bed times, kids lunches, washing up, tidying, etc) then I think it’s fair that you both tackle it and then you can both sit down together at the end of it. I definitely wouldn’t be happy if my DH was just sitting there relaxing while I was running round doing all of that.

Yes, you’ve officially worked less hours for the rest of the week, but you’ve been doing other family work for the rest of the time, not just relaxing.