Give me some rational opinions (another husband one)

[Jellyfruit]

Married 10 years. A 5yo and 3yo. Husband works 55hrs/wk over 6days (physical job) and I work 27hrs/wk over 3 days (gov job). I am well paid, so finance wise this isn't that unequal.

Routinely, our lives descend into a big 'blow up'. I can't stand to be around him or listen to his excuses. It's always that he 'does more than most men', which to me would be a sad state of affairs if true.

Before kids I was highly strung. Husband was generally quite laid back. This wasn't an issue until the children came along. Quite frankly, I'm sick of managing everyone's lives.

I do all drop offs/ pick ups unless I specifically plan for Husband to do this because I'm busy elsewhere. House is big. Absolute nightmare to maintain. And I'm not big into cleaning, so routinely I need to tackle spaces and sort them out (Husband and kids leave things strewn everywhere). It's not unhygienic but it affects my mood.

This is how it's roughly split:
Drop offs/ pick ups- 100% me (unless prearranged very sporadically).
Shopping- 100% me.
Cooking- 90 (me)/ 10 (him)
Dishes- 80 (me)/ 20 (him)
Medical/ dental appointments (kids)- 100% me.
Kids sports/ activities- 100% me.
Clothes shopping/ rotation/ payment for kids- 100% me.
Holiday scheduling and payment- 100% me.
Bathtimes- 50/50.
General cleaning- 90 (me)/ 10 (him).
School prep (lunches/ bags/ trips etc)- 100% me.
Taking bins out- 10 (me)/ 90 (him)
Outside maintenance- 100% him.

I am just so sick of running the show. I feel like i exist to sort everything in this family and it's driving me mad. But am I expecting too much of my husband? What would be a fair split to anyone else? I'll caveat that by saying I have to tell him what needs done. Every. Single. Time.😖Just so fed up!!

He works twice as many hours as you so a 50/50 split would be unreasonable.
IME things won't really change and you end up resentful. I remeber a saying "don't be a dridge with a grudge".
The thing that comes across the loudest is how much you hate the housework. If you could solve that one thing might that be enough?
Pay for a cleaner. It will massively improve the situation.
Get access to his diary and schedule some jobs for him that are his and only his responsibility, so you lose not just the job but the planning as well. Make them things that he could reasonably do on his days off.

If you both earn well get a cleaner and farm out the cleaning and declutterring. Hopefully you are getting online grocery deliveries to make that quicker and less time consuming. Your DH is working long hours, you are three days a week so it’s reasonable you pick up more of the household slog. What did you think running a home with two small children would be like? This is family life. You just need to find ways to make it easier and more efficient. Your kids are 5 and 3 you have a long way to go , teach your kids to be tidy as they grow up , they are old enough to put toys back in the toy box for example. Most women run the show unfortunately but it doesn’t last forever , kids grow up fast and soon fly the nest, try and enjoy this time if you have the means to pay others to help out and this can resolve some of the resentment between you.

I work less hours so yes I do more of the life admin and cleaning, and yes it does suck. Cleaning is very boring. But it is teamwork isn't it. And like you, I don't want the kids in loads of wraparound care. But actually I think your problem might be that your H is being a dick?! If he's sitting scrolling his phone while you're trying to multi task with a kid hanging off you. Do you feel like he's working extra as a convenient way to avoid parenting, and then to add insult he's not even checked in and emotionally engaged when he is at home. Would talking about it from this angle get you any further rather than talking about him doing more housework?

All these posts seem to be entirely missing the point. The OP married this man and had kids with him, then he decided to just work and leave the house and kids to her. He's checked out entirely.

OP I don't think your resentment is about the balance of tasks, I think it's about the fact that you married someone who really isn't interested in being a partner to you. I don't understand this idea that working is a good excuse to be absent. Your husband spends the majority of the time doing other things besides being a husband and father. The fact that those other things involve working doesn't make it ok.

He does a lot of hours in work so because you’re there I’d guess eg pick ups and activities fall to you but the cleaning stuff should be equal and I have to nitpick and say I’m fed up of men saying they empty the damn bin!!! Who cares! I empty the bin the whole time then wipe it, then replace bin bag, buy bin bags and generally put out the bin on the right day after paying into the account. It’s mostly not strenuous and takes a total of ten minutes weekly tops. Why do men claim it as if it rivals sweeping/ hoovering/ mopping/ changing sheets, cleaning fridge etc etc etc

Work full time. Nanny and cleaner - he pays half. If you’re still unhappy, divorce. You don’t want to provide your children with a toxic model of a relationship and roles of women and men respectively.

I do 90% of all drop offs. All dishes. Wife does laundry and we get a cleaner. You just got to find a way to make it work. And focus on the stuff the really matters. Ask for one thing from him in terms of change and reward him with praise. You'll catch more flies with jam than shit.

This is the typical trap. The woman bears this load. Don't put up with it. Maybe try counseling so he hears it from somewhere else.