Give me some rational opinions (another husband one)

[Jellyfruit]

Married 10 years. A 5yo and 3yo. Husband works 55hrs/wk over 6days (physical job) and I work 27hrs/wk over 3 days (gov job). I am well paid, so finance wise this isn't that unequal.

Routinely, our lives descend into a big 'blow up'. I can't stand to be around him or listen to his excuses. It's always that he 'does more than most men', which to me would be a sad state of affairs if true.

Before kids I was highly strung. Husband was generally quite laid back. This wasn't an issue until the children came along. Quite frankly, I'm sick of managing everyone's lives.

I do all drop offs/ pick ups unless I specifically plan for Husband to do this because I'm busy elsewhere. House is big. Absolute nightmare to maintain. And I'm not big into cleaning, so routinely I need to tackle spaces and sort them out (Husband and kids leave things strewn everywhere). It's not unhygienic but it affects my mood.

This is how it's roughly split:
Drop offs/ pick ups- 100% me (unless prearranged very sporadically).
Shopping- 100% me.
Cooking- 90 (me)/ 10 (him)
Dishes- 80 (me)/ 20 (him)
Medical/ dental appointments (kids)- 100% me.
Kids sports/ activities- 100% me.
Clothes shopping/ rotation/ payment for kids- 100% me.
Holiday scheduling and payment- 100% me.
Bathtimes- 50/50.
General cleaning- 90 (me)/ 10 (him).
School prep (lunches/ bags/ trips etc)- 100% me.
Taking bins out- 10 (me)/ 90 (him)
Outside maintenance- 100% him.

I am just so sick of running the show. I feel like i exist to sort everything in this family and it's driving me mad. But am I expecting too much of my husband? What would be a fair split to anyone else? I'll caveat that by saying I have to tell him what needs done. Every. Single. Time.😖Just so fed up!!

He works significantly more hours than you (almost 30 more!!!) and also has a physical job. Now I know non-physical jobs are exhausting too, I have one and my brain is on fire most days so I get that BUT he is working far more than you are.

I think the split is pretty fair as a result. He does do some things around the house I.e bathing the DC, bins, gardening and a tiny bit of cooking and cleaning. Do his insane hours even allow him to drop DC off at clubs and such? Sounds like he’s at work most of the time.

😂 fair play OP 💐

In your shoes, I’d rather be separated/divorced.

A period of separation might be what you both need to see what kind of reset you both want and are capable of.

Yes, I see your points. That's exactly why I made this post. I think I probably am being unfair. I wish he would work less hours and we could split everything more equally. But his work is very important to him and I'll never change that. To me work= money. But to him it's a significant part of his identity and values.

OP, during the younger toddler years, you might need to drop your standards a little.

And Take some down time for you.And consider Putting the kids in childcare half a day whilst you are home to sort and clean, or get a cleaner.

Hmm I dunno. I’d say who earns what is also relevant. If he works twice as many hours but the pay is the same he’s in the wrong game and needs to think about changing industry…..

He works twice as many hours as you, if I only had one day off I think I would want to relax a fair amount of that time. I voted YANBU but then I changed my mind. You are choosing to be at home half the time that he is so surely it's reasonable that those jobs fall to you. I don't think it's reasonable that they're all making a mess and you are constantly clearing up after them. They can take plates to the kitchen, put toys away and washing in the wash basket. Your husband certainly can. Sounds like you're bored and frustrated with your lot but sounds like he is too.

Have you talked about separation?

I read your breakdown of chores and personally I thought he does quite a lot considering the hours he works.

Can't you talk about this with him, surely you're supposed to be a team, you have a young family and lots of years of parenting in front of you, surely you can both do better than this? Get a plan together, have conversations!

It sucks but it’s how it is for a lot of us.

my husband and I both work full time, we both have Sen the same, we both contribute the same financially.

we are different in the sense we have 3 children and lucky enough to have a cleaner (definitely get one, it helps A LOT!!).

we have been together 25 years and I’ve been where you are 1000 times. It’s very tough. Your husband has a physical job and needs to rest but that doesn’t mean you should have to pick everything up. Unfortunately I do believe this is the sadness of both parents needing/choosing to work. Running a house and a family is a full time job and as a society, we’ve gone a bit bonkers.

what I will say is that in my experience it does get better over time. You have to go through the ‘whose more tired competitions’ the giving instruction (so tedious but I’m afraid men and woman don’t think the same) and the annoyance.

my husband runs a business and his days are not physical and he can often be working evenings so o don’t mind doing the lions share. However, the bottom line is - neither of you sound lazy but what you’re going through is a very normal adjustment to two parents working as kids are growing up. My husband could never ever do pick ups and drop offs, my days are flexible office work and so it’s not possible for him. However, that doesn’t mean I haven’t had times where it’s really round me up and dare I say, at times I’ve been a little resentful. BUT you communicate, resolve conflicts and work within the boundaries you have.

id only have a problem if he was being lazy. If he’s given time to rest and can take a little more of the load but you do the majority as your job is 3 days - it sounds like could be a subtle shift?

Can't believe posters are suggesting divorce! Dear me.

I think the split is fair, you work part time whereas he does 6 days, so obviously you can do more of the 'domestic' stuff.

But I do understand what you mean about going back to work full time.

When you're part time you don't really feel you get a 'day off' as such, because you're doing the stuff at home too. I mean you're part time aren't you! You've got loads of time!
Whereas if you were full time you'd feel easier asking for help like a cleaner.
You'd be working but at least you'd get paid for it!!!

So so annoying. We have had this lots of times in the past.

to us it seems negligent/lazy etc but what I’ve learned over a very long time of living with a manual worker is they’re not good at being present, because they’re tired. They doom scroll and are not actually in the room. I hear you - really gets in my nerves, but again, communication.

Are you doing that thing where because you are noisier/shoutier you think you’re unreasonable, and the person who avoids conflict is better? Cos they’re not. On the contrary.

Can't believe posters are suggesting divorce! Dear me.

did you miss the bit in her opening post where she said she can’t stand him? Do you think that women should stay in relationships with people they can’t stand? Why would you think that?

I think you've started being hard on yourself OP. Yes he works long hours, but it sounds like he enjoys doing so, and work is part of his identity. It doesn't sound like doing the vast majority of the housekeeping etc is part of your identity. It sounds like you loathe it and are doing it because if you don't, noone will.

It might not be that the answer is him doing much more, if he's not willing to give up some of his work (but if he gave up one of his businesses, could that be offset by you working full time?)

If he's not wiling to budge in terms of labour, I think he needs to 1. acknowledge he is getting the better end of the deal here and 2. Up his game in terms of what he can do. Your description of him obliviously walking past crying toddler is a good example. It needs to feel like you're a team.

And yeah cleaner sounds like a good idea... and lowering some standards for your sanity... but I think YANBU to expect a better attitude from him, and ask for it.

Your both earning good money
So get in paid help
A cleaner twice a week that you both pay half of ,will massively help your resentment

Thank you for all your replies. I think the main thing is I hate house work- I could never be a SAHM because then I'd forgo my legitimate reason not to do the housework 😆I think the point about being out of the house more= less mess is so true. But I hate the thought of my children being in more Daycare, especially when it's by choice rather than necessity.

By the time I do cooking, dishes, washing and prep for the next day I have no energy for any more. I think that's where the resentment creeps in. Because my husband comes home, eats the food I've cooked, puts one child to bed and that's it for the day. I understand he's had a long day before that but what about all the menial tasks that keep a household running alongside work? I don't just come home and eat a cooked meal, then relax before my bed. I've 20 mental tabs running all the time.

Your husband works full time plus a lot of overtime at a physical job. He's putting in a 6 day workweek.

You work part time, 3 days, possibly desk job. Of course you need to do more of the household stuff. How is he supposed to do pickups and shopping and that when he's working 6 days a week?

Get a cleaner. Outsource what you can like garden care. Do online grocery shop. Automate all bill pays.

Oh, to add. The cleaner suggestion has come up several times. I love this idea and I am by no means above it, but we live rurally and it's £50 for two hours. Is that average for 2026? Seemed expensive to me... although cheaper than divorce 😆

It doesn’t seem unfair to me. You work far less hours so will obviously and logically be doing more domestic and child stuff.

Wouldn’t you think that if it was the opposite way round? What if you worked 9+ hours 6 days a week and your husband tried to insist all the domestic/child jobs were split 50/50? Can you not see how unfair that would be? As I see it, if one person works F/T and the other P/T, the P/T person makes up their hours to F/T by doing domestic/child stuff. That way both are working F/T.

How is your DH supposed to do child drop offs and arrange medical appointments if he works 9+ hours a day 6 days a week? If you were working that many hours and your P/T-working husband said you should book and attend the next child medical appt “because I did it last time”, I’m sure you’d be well pissed off and rightly so.

i think you’re confusing separate things. You don’t like domestic stuff so blame your husband but your preferences and dislikes are not his fault. Your husband needs and deserves to rest but sometimes the children are particularly getting at you so you want him to help you. For the latter, just ask.

If you do as I said above - see the domestic stuff as another job - then it’s easier psychologically to deal with it. You can also approach it like a job in that you can set hours (eg if X add Y chores aren’t done by Z o’clock, you stop and do them tomorrow as your ‘shift’ is now ending.

I don’t think it sounds particularly unfair to be honest given the huge difference in working hours, it’s not the financial contribution that matters here really its the physical time available to do these jobs- he cannot do it if he is not there. 55 hours over 6 days is basically 9 hour days, plus I assume some commute either side so 10 hours, if he did dinner when he got home would that not then be too late for everyone to eat? Children pick ups & drop offs, he can’t do them if he is at work. The same goes for lots of your examples really. Yeah, he could do the holiday sorting, the kids clothes sorting etc and if you really wanted to force the issue then he could do them on his 1 day off… but then the impact is in a week you never have any family time.

You work 27 hours, he works 55, even if you spent 28 hours a week on all the other bits you’re still just level with him in terms of hours of work.

I suppose he does 28 hours more work outside the home. The tasks you do in the home may well reach about equivalent maybe so 27 plus 28 would be his 55 hrs. I think at this stage of life the kids are at max input. It gets easier in some ways harder in others as time goes on. I can see how you both feel you have no time. Try to forgive each other a bit as you are both working 60 HR weeks. Oh and declutter, as if you have a big house and you are all untidy it gets out of hand.

I used to think this about my ex based on how he behaved towards other people (generous, go out of his way to do favours, not complain/gripe about others etc) but a nice person would not watch his partner do the lion's share of the work of raising children and running a home, and not pick up some of the work. So, maybe rethink how nice he actually is.

Or pick up some extra work if you can to pay for a cleaner/babysitting so you get a break from the drudge and do the job you are good at

OP says she can't stand to be around him when they're having an argument about this particular problem. Quite normal.
Marriage is hard work sometimes, jumping straight to suggesting divorce is ridiculous.

Separate houses.
Life is much easier when there's no one to resent even if the workloads the same. Which it won't be because there's one less adult to worry about.

I work part time and husband does similar long hours, so I do majority of house hold stuff. However, I have some rules to help this, such as husband deals with washing his work clothes, shoes need to stay in porch, if he makes breakfast super early before we are up, leave anything dirty soaking in the sink, no tupperwear left in van, no moaning about dinner choices etc. we have healthy ready meals 4 nights a week which helps massively, as no cooking/cleanup. we also have a fortnightly cleaner which helps massively. Weekends are then usually shared around him working. He’s great as will always jump in for bed times if he’s back in time, and genuinely loves the time spent with the kids so doesn’t try and avoid it when he is home