To exclude sibling from wedding due to their lifestyle choice?

[Salitnan]

This will be incredibly identifying to anyone who knows my family and quite controversial but it’s such a bloody niche situation that nobody can relate to and it’s hugely stressing me out. I’m not writing this as ragebait or to troll, it is a genuine situation I am dealing with.

I’m getting married next year. My partner of 5 years is from a very traditional, right-wing Eastern European country. My partner however is very tolerant and chill, as are most of his immediate family who also live in Western countries.

We’ve decided to get married in his home country, as it’s very affordable there and we can have a beautiful package in an area of outstanding natural beauty, and he can invite his dear godparents who he adores (and they adore him) who are scared of flying.

This is all well and good but one of my family members is presenting an issue. My brother (who is an adult in their mid-20s) has a learning disability. This is not a problem, but in the past year they have come out as transgender. This has been a massive struggle for us as there were no signs previously and it came out of nowhere, and they have insisted they are going ahead with the transition and they self-harm if anyone misgenders them or politely reminds them of etiquette in public places regarding toilets, or wearing appropriate clothing for a social situation etc. It has been extremely hard work for my aging parents, he lives with them full time. The learning disability alongside being transgender makes them massively vulnerable and they get stared at in public and often started on when in the city centre by lads, and they aren’t aware of their vulnerability. They insist on dressing incredibly provocatively (wig and heels, provocative clothes) as they say they feel insecure otherwise, and when I have tried to explain to them that women don’t necessarily dress like that, they self-harm. They insult people in public, not to their face, they will say it to my mum (will whisper in her ear “he looks like a twat”), but sometimes people have overheard and started on him and my mum has had to explain about his disability and fend them off.

I’m already in therapy to deal with complex feelings towards them from how they dominate my parents lives and how I felt neglected as a child due to the focus on them and their vulnerabilities. The recent coming out as transgender has brought up a lot of old resentment I had towards him which I had buried, and I’m trying to have the therapy so that I can have a bond with him going forward, but I can’t help but feel a sort of anger at him, and I hate myself for it.

Back onto the wedding topic - I’ve realised I simply don’t want them at the wedding. My fiancé’s family are nice people and wouldn’t be a danger to my brother but many of my fiancé’s extended family members are from a small isolated village in a Catholic Eastern European country and he will be stared at like a hawk, whispered about. To he quite frank he will stick out like a sore thumb with his clothes and hair. As awful as it sounds I will be embarrassed by him and on edge, and won’t be able to enjoy my day. My partner says he’ll notify everyone in advance that my brother will be there and what to expect but I just really can’t be doing with the stress of it all. It’s not just family it’s the the staff in the hotel, other members of the public around who might be drinking, and they will need to stay in the country a few days around the ceremony so lots of opportunity for things to go wrong. They have severe social anxiety due to their learning disability and have been known to sneak alcohol as a way to deal with this and this further increases their vulnerability as they lose their filter and say their mind in front of people.

I did try to compromise and said to my mum I’d be happy to have them if if they would be willing to tone down their dress in order to come to the wedding - dropping the wig and toning down their clothes, but they have become angry at this suggestion and have refused.

I’ve told my mum it may be the case that I can’t invite them, and therefore my parents can’t come either as they are his carers. My mum says she understands and we can have a do later on back in the UK.

I just want my day to not be dominated by him. I also don’t want to have to change the wedding plans that me and my partner are happy with just to suit him. Am I an awful person?

I'm really sorry, this sounds like a tough and stressful situation that you didn’t choose and don’t have much control over.

Can I ask, have you asked your mum to come to your wedding or explained that you have been sidelined and that it’s important to you that she’s there? Maybe she can prioritise you for once.

And have you explicitly told your parents that you don’t intend to care for your brother in the event of their illness/death? Maybe being explicit about that will push them to get some help.

With regatds to the wedding, I think you accept that your mum isn't going to be there and fully accepts fully that that it has to be that way. Go and enjoy it, send her pics on the day.

But.... the situation with your brother needs to be resolved, don't you think? He is an unreasonable/unable-to-be-reasoned-with bully who has chosen a mode of dress that now creates serious social difficulties for him and for them. And he has begun to be violent, and entitled. In your position I would be talking to your parents about talking to Social Services about finding him somewhere else to live. Make it clear that you will not be taking him on ever ( I assume that is the case) so they need to make some sort of provision for him anyway forvthen they can no longer care for him.

I hope you reconsider this take in light of the OPs updates.

Goodness you are certainly not being unreasonable. Sounds like he would cause a lot of stress and potential disruption on what should be a day that you can enjoy. I think you may have to accept your parents not being there as the cost of him not coming.

As a bit of an aside, have they thought at all or begun to plan what will happen once they are no longer fit to care for him due to fraility, illness or death?

Have your wedding abroad and enjoy a day and holiday that is about you. Your mother doesn't need the stress of having to bring him or leave him so take the decision out of her hands and don't invite any of your immediate family as it is too far away and too much of an inconvenience.

Imagine not having to worry about this any longer, make the decision to put yourself first on your wedding day and in your life. You have empathy and sympathy for your parents but you have no responsibility, they are making their own choices. Call the police if you think they are in danger of elder abuse.

You can have a family meal at home to celebrate afterwards, you do not have to have an extra wedding.

I'm terribly sorry to hear this, OP. It's your wedding and it might be the best thing not to invite him. But can't your mum come and he be left with your father?

I understand him not refusing respite care, but can't your parents not refuse to have him in the house? He sounds like a nightmare and is affecting their health in a big way.

Weddings are traditionally for bride and groom, and in particular, bride to be the centre of attention. Just tell your parents and your sibling that. Don't invite them.
P.S. Also, this is a very good illustration of the way the world has gone to hell - he is the one who is sick, but the one in therapy because of that is the OP???? WTAF?

Having your brother there sounds dangerous given your last few posts about the knife and the threatening note.

For the safety of other passengers on the flights and wedding guests DO NOT have this man attend your wedding

Honestly - your parents need to organise regular respite care. Your brother won't like this so the sooner it starts as a regular event , the better.

The biggest problem in all of this is that your brother has learned the manipulative skills needed to get what he wants

These manipulative skills need to be ignored so that your parents can have a regular break and so that they can go to your wedding without your brother

How might this happen? I envisage wirh great difficulty and probably involving the police in the initial stages.

But happen it must, imo

have only read the OP.

You don't have to invite anyone at all to your wedding if you don't want to.

Going to a country with extremely right-wing views is up to you - but as a modern woman i would have no truck with that (even if it is a lovely instagrammable location)

You need to get adult social services involved. What is the expectation of what happens to your sibling when your parents are no longer able to take care?

Honestly he will ruin your day. I’m all for acceptance but your wedding is about you and your husband-to-be and if you cannot relax then it’ll be spoilt and you won’t forget it. In a wider sense, your parents should be looking at supported living now they are getting older, they deserve some peace in old age.

OP doesn't need to do anything in regards to her brother's care, either now or in the future. He is not her responsibility. It's better in fact if she doesn't get involved at all.

I know a trans person at work. They dress like a woman. Normal sort of outfits you'd expect for work. If I was close enough to invite them to a wedding, I can't imagine anyone would bat much of an eyelid as they'd blend in. Only when you get close to them you realise it's a man.
Your brother is not trying to blend in. He's trying to shout and make a statement and is angry and wants to hurt people sometimes. This is not really compatible with a wedding where people need to be polite and allow the bride and groom to have a lovely day (even if there's stuff they dont agree with). Your brother won't do this so can't have an invite. It's a shame. But there's no option here

I have a disabled sister, and her needs have always come first. She is never expected to compromise, only to say what she needs and we all have to go along with it. My wedding venue was chosen specifically to work for her, the day was based around her, my kids’ birthday parties were at venues she chose etc etc.

We’re currently very low contact and have no meaningful relationship. Maybe if I’d asserted my boundaries earlier, and she’d learnt to compromise, we’d still have more of a relationship.

It’s reasonable to put yourself first sometimes, and your wedding is one of those times.

If it helps to reframe it - there’s no way your ageing parents can actually keep your brother safe in a Balkan country, in a conservative area, where they don’t speak the language. His behavior is actively dangerous. Your partner’s family can’t all travel to the UK, your family can’t safely travel to the balkans because of his behaviour, so just choose the wedding you’d prefer because it’s not going to be possible to have both families at the same one.

It does appear that your brother is self-harming simply to stop people saying things that he doesn't want to hear. Can you feed the information to him more subtly, e.g. give him a book about women's fashion and start a casual chat about how nice the pictures look because it's all quite understated? Or slot in the occasional casual question about whether he's ever noticed what women actually wear, or the fact that he never sees women dressed the way he is when he's out in public?

I agree with @Ohcrap082024 (and others) when they say:
"Get married in your DP’s home country. Do not invite your brother. Enjoy your day and then have a small, family only event upon your return."

I have an 8 year old with autism/learning disability and a 16 year old and the thought my older son will miss out on anything because of his younger brother is heartbreaking. He (my older son) is equally loved and important, but we can only do what's possible. We often parent with one child each as my eldest performs music including classical and my youngest wouldn't be able to sit still or quiet for even a moment.

I think you need to understand that your mum/your parents love you very much. Their own lives have been incredibly restricted by their circumstances but their love for you means instead of saying "You must get married here because that's all we can accommodate" they are saying "go and have the wedding you want and when you get back we'll be here to hear all about it".

What I find most upsetting in the replies you have received is the posters that say "your parents need to do..../ your parents have caused this by...../your brother has chosen to....." This illusion of control might make people feel better that they could never be in this situation because they have all the answers, and they believe they would handle everything better than your parents. What I know as a parent of a disabled child and someone who works in a short break service for adults with learning disabilities is that biology is real. Learning disabilities are real, developmental disabilities are real, brain injury/damage is real.

Your brother (from what you have said) has a brain injury and brain damage. This is shit for your parents, shit for you and it's shit for him. Try to forgive your parents they are just trying to make it through and be the best parents they can to both their kids.

I also need to respond to the "make him have respite" comments. No one is going to be able to "make" OPs brother do anything. There might be some hope of introducing a carer to build a relationship with your brother or encourage him to get involved in a group activity to start down the path of services. Can you imagine the legal complications and resources needed to "make" a fully grown male go and stay at a respite service.

If OPs parents were no longer able to care for her brother and he did not consent to support then that would either be respected (probably until a crisis) or he would have to be accommodated under a DOLS where a court has ruled he has to be accommodated without his consent. If he were not compliant then that would require a secure placement.

In an ideal world the OPs brother would be slowly introduced to the idea of a supported accommodation (for a short break or a permanent placement) - perhaps by going to an activity where some people live in the supported accommodation and he might grow to understand how they live and might decide he likes the independence from his parents that would bring. Social workers would decide if he were eligible for funding for such a placement.

I would urge OP to also not restrict her life choices based around her brother. If you want to live abroad OP or have a baby go for it. Your brother's brain damage is having a catastrophic effect on his life and your parent's lives - don't let it have a catastrophic effect on yours. You simply need to tell services (if asked in future) that you have a difficult relationship with your brother and are not able to accommodate him. Live your life OP you only get one.

I hope you have a wonderful wedding OP.

i wouldn't like him either, and you don't have to feel bad about that.

2 things stand out: his future after your parents can't cope - is not yours to support. Step away and refuse any attempt to make you his carer. Firmly. Repeatedly.

the other is him refusing respite. That doesn't wash. Your parents need a break. (frankly? your mother, at least, needs him away from her). That is something i would really be pushing for, since although you do have issues with them (and no wonder) it would be a shame if they miss your wedding. But they are adults and they need to handle it.

I get why you are having your wedding where you are having it - so get on with your plans and don't let your brother ruin the run up to it.

Sorry you're going through this when you should be excited and happy . What form do the learning disabilities take ? Sounds more like a personalit, y disorder , the wanting to be the centre of attention by the way he dresses and self harming when he's challenged. I would have no problem not having him at the wedding , he will ruin it for you because he will not tone down the clothing or bad wig . It's a shame your parents won't put their foot down and support you on your big day but I expect you are used coming second .

Just have a celebration when you come back . Enjoy your big day !

I’m so sorry you (and your parents) are having to deal with this.

Would a compromise be having the legal marriage here and a meal afterwards with your family and having a wedding over there?

Longer term your parents need to bite the bullet and sign over care to the authorities now before they are harmed by him.

Also this, and agree again your parents have created this monster, either his needs are that high that they need formal support and he requires a DOLs to keep him and others safe, or he’s manipulative and selfish

I fee sorry for your parents in this, they’d probably love a break from this. Any chance they could use respite carers or hire someone to watch your brother at home so they could come alone?

Whether your sibling is trans or not isn't that relevant to the heart of things. They are disruptive, self centred, and will make the day difficult. You can exclude anyone from your wedding for any reason.

My brother was a dickhead to me growing up (and well into our 20s), and I didn't want him at my tiny Friday night wedding, so he wasn't invited. We had a Saturday family party and he and his partner and kids were invited to that and guess what? He was a dickhead!

In the first 5 minutes, he deliberately threw confetti down the back neck of my outfit (a kimono, so it was impossible to get out without taking off, and I would have been unable to put back on). He was greedy with the buffet while also being rude about what was on offer. He got not only incredibly drunk, but openly smoked weed as well- thank fuck my husband's Japanese work colleagues had gone home by that point. In the end he was sick in my parents garden, had to be escorted back to his hotel by one of my mates, and then was foul to us the next day because he was so hungover.

Exclude your sibling. Enjoy your day. I'm sorry your parents are collateral damage in this, but it sounds like it can't be helped unless they hire an independent carer to cover.

Exactly this

I sincerely hope the parents aren't planning for OP to house the brother when the time comes, and if that's to be avoided there need to be plans made sooner rather than later

I found it impossible to translate your post because I could not work out when “they/them” was referring to the individual or to more than one of your friends/relatives/guests.
I am very fortunate that the trans members of my extended family do not have any intellectual disabilities. I cannot offer any advice or ideas - just respect and sympathy.

I think you it woukd be easier not to have your wedding in the foreign country. Just go there for a holiday afterwards and have a party when you are there. And then all those rude intolerant people can come.