To exclude sibling from wedding due to their lifestyle choice?

[Salitnan]

This will be incredibly identifying to anyone who knows my family and quite controversial but it’s such a bloody niche situation that nobody can relate to and it’s hugely stressing me out. I’m not writing this as ragebait or to troll, it is a genuine situation I am dealing with.

I’m getting married next year. My partner of 5 years is from a very traditional, right-wing Eastern European country. My partner however is very tolerant and chill, as are most of his immediate family who also live in Western countries.

We’ve decided to get married in his home country, as it’s very affordable there and we can have a beautiful package in an area of outstanding natural beauty, and he can invite his dear godparents who he adores (and they adore him) who are scared of flying.

This is all well and good but one of my family members is presenting an issue. My brother (who is an adult in their mid-20s) has a learning disability. This is not a problem, but in the past year they have come out as transgender. This has been a massive struggle for us as there were no signs previously and it came out of nowhere, and they have insisted they are going ahead with the transition and they self-harm if anyone misgenders them or politely reminds them of etiquette in public places regarding toilets, or wearing appropriate clothing for a social situation etc. It has been extremely hard work for my aging parents, he lives with them full time. The learning disability alongside being transgender makes them massively vulnerable and they get stared at in public and often started on when in the city centre by lads, and they aren’t aware of their vulnerability. They insist on dressing incredibly provocatively (wig and heels, provocative clothes) as they say they feel insecure otherwise, and when I have tried to explain to them that women don’t necessarily dress like that, they self-harm. They insult people in public, not to their face, they will say it to my mum (will whisper in her ear “he looks like a twat”), but sometimes people have overheard and started on him and my mum has had to explain about his disability and fend them off.

I’m already in therapy to deal with complex feelings towards them from how they dominate my parents lives and how I felt neglected as a child due to the focus on them and their vulnerabilities. The recent coming out as transgender has brought up a lot of old resentment I had towards him which I had buried, and I’m trying to have the therapy so that I can have a bond with him going forward, but I can’t help but feel a sort of anger at him, and I hate myself for it.

Back onto the wedding topic - I’ve realised I simply don’t want them at the wedding. My fiancé’s family are nice people and wouldn’t be a danger to my brother but many of my fiancé’s extended family members are from a small isolated village in a Catholic Eastern European country and he will be stared at like a hawk, whispered about. To he quite frank he will stick out like a sore thumb with his clothes and hair. As awful as it sounds I will be embarrassed by him and on edge, and won’t be able to enjoy my day. My partner says he’ll notify everyone in advance that my brother will be there and what to expect but I just really can’t be doing with the stress of it all. It’s not just family it’s the the staff in the hotel, other members of the public around who might be drinking, and they will need to stay in the country a few days around the ceremony so lots of opportunity for things to go wrong. They have severe social anxiety due to their learning disability and have been known to sneak alcohol as a way to deal with this and this further increases their vulnerability as they lose their filter and say their mind in front of people.

I did try to compromise and said to my mum I’d be happy to have them if if they would be willing to tone down their dress in order to come to the wedding - dropping the wig and toning down their clothes, but they have become angry at this suggestion and have refused.

I’ve told my mum it may be the case that I can’t invite them, and therefore my parents can’t come either as they are his carers. My mum says she understands and we can have a do later on back in the UK.

I just want my day to not be dominated by him. I also don’t want to have to change the wedding plans that me and my partner are happy with just to suit him. Am I an awful person?

Fine, I don’t like him. He treats my mum like shit and her elder years are going to be
miserable and she is clinically depressed since he came out as trans. She is scared to bring up respite care as he is built like a brick shithouse and can fly off the handle when something is said that he doesn’t like, usually the harm is done against himself but he has manhandled mum before and once held a knife to my dad over being misgendered (it was brushed under the carpet as it was a butter knife) . My parents are in their late 60s and therefore are scared to bring up respite care because of what he might do to himself. The other week the police were called to an activity centre where dad had taken him crazy golfing as he left a note in the bathroom stating he felt violent towards men that dressed in a certain way.

Hope you’re happy now.

This

What's the plan for when your parents have died
Is he living with you ?
Because if so your new family need to get used to him
Especially as your parents are in their 70 s.
But from Your post ,I can't imagine that is something you would want
So he will need assisted living
You need social services involved so they can't start to put the wheels in motion for getting him in this new environment,and hopefully your mum gets a bit of peace before she dies.
I can relate btw ..have a similar situation,just minus the trans issue.
Personally I'd stand firm and not allow him out of the house dressed like that .
I'd point blank refuse to anywhere with him dressed as such
Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind
I suspect your mum is scared of him ,so can't put her foot down .
Your mum needs help to get him in somewhere supportive so she gets a bit of quality of life

Sounds like the transgender aspect is more of a red herring and your sibling just doesn’t sound like a nice person and is at risk of causing problems that could be the case for many siblings or guests to a wedding and I wouldn’t want that either.
So in answer to your question op YANBU but with that goes the expectation that your sibling may want to stop contact with you as a result of this.

It's your day. Absolutely no need to make any allowances for your brother.

Your parents should be arranging respite so they can attend without him.

If his needs are so high that he can't be left alone for a few days then I think this is much more than the trans thing. For a start he should use the disabled toilet which is more appropriate in every way. I'm sure there are many people male or female with learning disabilities who would rather use the other toilets but are told no because that's not allowed. I think your parents need to put the foot down on this close to home too or refuse to bring him anywhere. If he did come he would need a full time carer with him who can escort him to a short part of the day and takes him away again, same as you would with anyone whose needs are so high they can't participate fully. This is obviously very difficult to organise so unless you can arrange this, then he can't come. If he doesn't understand then that's hard but also tough luck, most people with needs don't get to enjoy the same life as their siblings because that's just the way it is. I think your parents should try to do everything in their power to go, at worst maybe your Dad could stay home and let Mum go. She obviously needs a break. Poor woman. I don't know the services available, I'm sure they are rubbish but I suspect there are more services than your parents are availing of. They should be trying to get him some sort of respite care for the sake of their happiness and well being anyway. I really really hope your Mum goes for both your sakes.

That’s bloody awful @Salitnan , although am awaiting the usual sympathisers to bring out “.how awful!!! What happened to make HER so unsafe?!! 😭” 🙄

Don’t feel guilty. Your mother understands and you need to enjoy your wedding without worrying about everything/everyone else. I would go ahead without your sibling and parents and do something special when you return.

You really don't need to tie yourself up in knots. Brother isn't welcome as you don't like him. This does not make you a horrible person. He sounds awful.

Can you move to your partner's country?

Ignore all the people in here trying to make you feel bad. Sounds like you've suffered enough and deserve a day without stress or considering others. Have a lovely day abroad.

Your brother is violent, has brandished a knife and recently left a a violent note saying he wished to harm men.

You brother sounds dangerous. Your parents sound useless. This man needs to be in a psychiatric unit

Op. It sounds awful and challenging. As is life for many with illnesses and disabilities, particularly LD.

You say he had a brain injury at birth so while he may well be a pita in your eyes he will have limited control and your poor parents will be at rock bottom with it all.

They won't want to miss your wedding. If he isn't invited what then, just have a nice scenic do with your dps family?!

You need to compromise. Not it isn't fair but that is life sadly.

I have no view about the OP's sibling, as I don't know them. But, fundamentally, an individual can invite whoever they like to their own wedding - or not. There is no automatic invitation for someone just because they are a parent or other family member.
In short, OP, just do whatever you want!

@Salitnan If you cannot put yourself and your future husband first on your wedding day when can you. Do not feel guilty prioritize your happiness

She does not need to compromise if she doesn't want to.

To be honest having your brother there sounds massively stressful for everyone. It's going to be extremely stressful for your mum and dad, and potentially your brother too (depending on how much of his behaviour is a genuine choice and how much is governed by his learning difficulties). I know you want your parents there, but they are not going to enjoy the wedding if they are on edge about how your brother will behave and what people will think.

I think either your parents need to work on organising a care package for your brother so that, by the time of the wedding, they can leave him at home, or they need to not attend. Bluntly, they have time to organise care if they want to come to the wedding. You could always have a UK wedding too.

I however OP don't have much sympathy for a bloke who is appropriating a woman's identity. No one would stand for it if he wanted to black up at the wedding. Nor should they.

The women there shouldn't have to compromise their privacy and dignity for a man who believes that all it takes to be a woman is to dress like a hooker on steroids. Women face patriarchal oppression from the day they are born, a man pretending some heels and lippy makes him female is a fucking disgrace and an insult to what women and girls go through. He's nothing more than a misogynistic piece of crap.

A man who on top of this uses self harm as emotional blackmail to control his elderly parents and dominate his sister's life so she can never have her day in the sun deserves absolutely nothing.

Have your wedding in a beautiful place OP surrounded by kind respectful people who want you to have a wonderful time. Your brother clearly doesnt care about you enough to behave with any empathy. You should step away from him now, you don't want to be lumbered with this man when your parents aren't around.

OP, go and enjoy your wedding without your troublesome brother. The person I feel really sorry for is your DM, who I’m sure would love to be coming to your wedding, but when you say, “even if they all did come mum and dad wouldn’t be able to relax, they’d be following him around the venue making sure he doesn’t get started on by anyone”, then it seems the kindest thing for everyone is simply to keep your DB out of it. It sounds as though he has learnt that self harming will get him what he wants - your poor parents must be in despair. I wish you a very happy wedding day with your new family - don’t give your brother a second thought.

This.

This! He sounds awful OP. As others have said it’s not the transgender thing or his learning disability. He just sounds like a twat. I would be going no contact and telling your parents they can’t always put his needs above yours and expect to have a decent relationship with you. To me it sounds like they’ve helped create this entitled monster. If the option of moving to your husband’s home country is there then now is a good time to go!

This 100%

You've spent YEARS compromising for your brother. Fuck that for your wedding. Do what you want. Your parents can come or not come, but he isn't invited.

Do you know if he would qualify for any kind of respite care facility for vulnerable adults? This is really hard on your mum and for it to have dominated all your lives like this isn’t okay. She is ageing and may not be able to look after him forever, maybe a week away from him while she attends your wedding and he has a taster of life without her would start to loosen the situation. Worth looking into your local Adult Social care through the council or even the GP. Sounds like you all need a break and your wedding could be the first stepping stone.

OP this sounds harsh but I wonder would it be better off for your parents to let him get in trouble and be arrested. It might lead them down the path to get more support and eventually respite. I know you say the LD in itself wasn't so bad but all this recent behaviour IS the LD and it's obviously getting worse. It sounds like your poor exhausted parents are downplaying his needs a bit. People without needs known they have to conform to society and can't just do what they want all the time. His arguing and violent threats prove that his needs have become unmanageable without intervention.

I really hope things work out for you. You can only control your own life and if your parents make excuses for DB and allow things escalate that's on them. If you have to walk away then do and don't feel guilty. I honestly hope this difficult scenario is the catalyst for your parents sorting out a long term care solution.

YANBU. I wouldn't want to invite a sibling to a wedding that is likely to get arrested in a country far from home where they don't speak the language due to their behaviour.

Are you able to live stream the actual wedding so that your parents can see it in real time?