To exclude sibling from wedding due to their lifestyle choice?

[Salitnan]

This will be incredibly identifying to anyone who knows my family and quite controversial but it’s such a bloody niche situation that nobody can relate to and it’s hugely stressing me out. I’m not writing this as ragebait or to troll, it is a genuine situation I am dealing with.

I’m getting married next year. My partner of 5 years is from a very traditional, right-wing Eastern European country. My partner however is very tolerant and chill, as are most of his immediate family who also live in Western countries.

We’ve decided to get married in his home country, as it’s very affordable there and we can have a beautiful package in an area of outstanding natural beauty, and he can invite his dear godparents who he adores (and they adore him) who are scared of flying.

This is all well and good but one of my family members is presenting an issue. My brother (who is an adult in their mid-20s) has a learning disability. This is not a problem, but in the past year they have come out as transgender. This has been a massive struggle for us as there were no signs previously and it came out of nowhere, and they have insisted they are going ahead with the transition and they self-harm if anyone misgenders them or politely reminds them of etiquette in public places regarding toilets, or wearing appropriate clothing for a social situation etc. It has been extremely hard work for my aging parents, he lives with them full time. The learning disability alongside being transgender makes them massively vulnerable and they get stared at in public and often started on when in the city centre by lads, and they aren’t aware of their vulnerability. They insist on dressing incredibly provocatively (wig and heels, provocative clothes) as they say they feel insecure otherwise, and when I have tried to explain to them that women don’t necessarily dress like that, they self-harm. They insult people in public, not to their face, they will say it to my mum (will whisper in her ear “he looks like a twat”), but sometimes people have overheard and started on him and my mum has had to explain about his disability and fend them off.

I’m already in therapy to deal with complex feelings towards them from how they dominate my parents lives and how I felt neglected as a child due to the focus on them and their vulnerabilities. The recent coming out as transgender has brought up a lot of old resentment I had towards him which I had buried, and I’m trying to have the therapy so that I can have a bond with him going forward, but I can’t help but feel a sort of anger at him, and I hate myself for it.

Back onto the wedding topic - I’ve realised I simply don’t want them at the wedding. My fiancé’s family are nice people and wouldn’t be a danger to my brother but many of my fiancé’s extended family members are from a small isolated village in a Catholic Eastern European country and he will be stared at like a hawk, whispered about. To he quite frank he will stick out like a sore thumb with his clothes and hair. As awful as it sounds I will be embarrassed by him and on edge, and won’t be able to enjoy my day. My partner says he’ll notify everyone in advance that my brother will be there and what to expect but I just really can’t be doing with the stress of it all. It’s not just family it’s the the staff in the hotel, other members of the public around who might be drinking, and they will need to stay in the country a few days around the ceremony so lots of opportunity for things to go wrong. They have severe social anxiety due to their learning disability and have been known to sneak alcohol as a way to deal with this and this further increases their vulnerability as they lose their filter and say their mind in front of people.

I did try to compromise and said to my mum I’d be happy to have them if if they would be willing to tone down their dress in order to come to the wedding - dropping the wig and toning down their clothes, but they have become angry at this suggestion and have refused.

I’ve told my mum it may be the case that I can’t invite them, and therefore my parents can’t come either as they are his carers. My mum says she understands and we can have a do later on back in the UK.

I just want my day to not be dominated by him. I also don’t want to have to change the wedding plans that me and my partner are happy with just to suit him. Am I an awful person?

You've been told that your repetitive posts will upset the OP and cause her distress. You've ignored that and carried on posting repeatedly over the past two days, showing no empathy for her. You are not a better person than RedToothbrush or anyone else on this thread because you didn't use the word "fucking".

I don't think you even remotely understand the level of dysfunction we're looking at here. I've seen it close up, and I know what it's like.

The parents have done a lot of things wrong here, and it's their own fault they've ended up in this situation. I'm not sympathetic to them at all. If they've foolishly centred the brother his entire life, they can live with the consequences.

You just said 'Lalala. I'm not even going to bother to engage with this nonsense at this point'

Make your mind up.

Extended family counts <magic invisible or otherwise>, obviously. Parents should be a priority.

Parents are not a priority if they've made stupid decisions and are acting against the best interests of their kids.

Her parents are invited. It can’t come as a surprise to them that OP is getting married, her DB is a liability and she doesn’t get on with him. She’s clearly torn about this choice they’ve given her to make.

‘Monitoring’? Who is ‘monitoring’ him? Parents that won’t engage outside help for fear of his reaction, that downplay and dismiss his actions, and whose monitoring hasn’t prevented the violence and threatening behavior he has repeatedly displayed? Lol, okay. That hardly inspires confidence in their abilities to ‘monitor’, unless by ‘monitor’ you mean ‘merely watch it happen’, then sure. They’re doing that.

’You imagine’. Yes, you certainly do. OP however doesn’t need to ‘imagine’, as she’s much better positioned to asses their ability to manage any situation with their son. She actually knows her parents, after all. You don’t.

It isn’t inappropriate at all to highlight the risk that someone displaying such patterns of behavior poses, and posters commonly do just that on Mumsnet, whilst also urging caution and advising OPs to promptly remove themselves from potentially dangerous situations.

No one is obliged to suck up the risk and continue exposing themselves to him.

My middle aged brother has gone down the hyper sexualised trans route. I would not invite him to any big family events - I have the start of a plan for my parents funeral.
Looking back at my wedding photos from 20 years ago, my brother has a Miserable face, did not bring joy to the occasion and did his best to complicate logistics. I wish he hadn't have come then and yes, even then my parents were all over him and still bitch about the day not being to their liking. It's a tough memory to see in the photos.
Others in the photos with wildly inappropriate hair and clothes along with a few people who were very ill or needed a lot of support on the day - their faces bring me such joy.
I wish you much joy on your wedding day, your parents and brother don't need to be there and I wouldn't make the effort with them with another event. It will be tinged with bitterness. Choose guilt rather than resentment.
.

I'm not the only one being repetitive <how many Southport posts have we had from one poster?> but if you quote me I'll respond.

I think comparing the situation to the Southport murderer will be far more distressing for her poor parents if they stumble across this thread than me repeatedly suggesting parent's ability to attend should be a priority.

I have empathy for anyone with a relative with LD and behavioural issues.

@Gloriia

you haven’t shown one single shred of empathy for OP. You think she should keep on bending over backwards and dismissing her own wants and needs for the sake of others.

Depending on the age of the parents, it would be reasonable to refer them to safeguarding the elderly. They are increasingly vulnerable themselves.

It might do the parents good to have a long, hard think about what their son might be capable of doing.

My Dad's half brother is probably autistic. There's a big age gap between them. My Dad spent years telling my grandfather and his step mum they probably needed to get him a diagnosis as he would be unable to cope when they died and he would need to apply for benefits as he can't support himself financially.

He's now left trying to support his brother from six hours drive away. His brother can't manage his finances, he can't look after himself and is really struggling. He calls my parents about everything. He has literally called them at 2am in the morning because the battery in the smoke alarm went and he couldn't work out what to do and didn't want to climb a ladder. He certainly is capable of this but his mother did everything so he learnt no life skills whatsoever. He was registered as her carer - in part because my Dad realised that this at least would mean he would get his NI contributions paid for a few years so he will get more pension money when the time comes. But this was my Dad stepping in to do this, not his step mother planning for her son's future.

My Dad is struggling to deal with it. He hasn't got the patience and gets upset. He hands the phone to my mum now. My uncle has to sell the house to survive a few more years financially. But it's left in a state and he's argued about the price so it's not selling. He will run out of money in a few years as he can't afford to pay the bills for long. He needs to downsize.

My parents are in their 70s. My uncle is two years older than me. My parents told me not to go to the funerals because it would open the door of contact. They want me to have distance so I don't get sucked in by obligation. They are now doing their best to sort out the mess that should have been addressed more than twenty years ago.

Do I feel guilty? A little. But also my parents recognise the situation completely because they are living it. I'm grateful there isn't this expectation placed on my shoulders.

Honestly, this is a real problem. I have sight of the trans pressures and the disability pressures well. Tbh both are genetically connected and I'm frustrated by parents who didn't do anything to get my brother a diagnosis despite talking about it for years....

I thankfully at least don't have the violence issue to contend with.

But I have a family of my own to consider. Ultimately my parents don't want my son to be affected. Because of our close ages, the issue a prospect that if me and DH go before my uncle, the mess my grandparents left would fall to their great grandson because of their unwillingness to address a difficult situation. This isn't ok.

My uncle is in a situation which is awful, but my parents feel strongly it's not my mess to clear up no matter the obligations of family. They recognise my responsibilities and obligations to my husband and child instead which is at least something.

OP this is you. Your obligations are to you husband and potential future children.

My grandparents shat on my Dad and his brother for shit decisions that could affect three generations.

The OP is right to separate herself from the mess.

I mean this proves my point. I've posted talking about the impact on the OP and you've ignored that and brought it back to the parents. Again.

Okay then I will ask again- what do you propose she does? Given the danger her brother presents? Perhaps you could offer to look after him as you clearly don’t think he dangerous?

Maybe a quick wedding ceremony in OP’s parents back garden followed by a takeaway of brothers choice? No guests. Low key, low risk, easy for parents to manage.

She said the Balkans, Poland isn´t in the Balkans. Could be Croatia, if Catholic.

I should add is that one of the worst things for my parents is they are well aware they HAVE to let my uncle reach crisis point before social services will step in at all.

They can't get my uncle to move and they don't want to upend their lives and move to the other end of the country in their 70s. It's a rural area so not wise from a health point of view and my Dad is starting to struggle with mobility issues as it is.

Because on paper he's just unemployed and doesn't have a disability he legally has full capacity too. My parents can't reason with him and can't force him to make decisions he doesn't want.

So they are supporting him to a point whilst realising he needs to fail too so they can help him navigate at that point before they die. It's a mess.

Thank you to everybody that has responded to my thread. I knew I was at a high risk at being identified by anyone who is familiar with my family but it was a risk I was willing to take. I have seen a couple of comments of people who seem to be aware of slight extra details about DB which I didn’t disclose in the thread so I expect some people have identified me, but it’s okay.

It has been very helpful for me to get all of this off my chest and receive understanding.

I don’t want to adapt the wedding to suit DB. Me and DP want the big traditional all bells and whistles wedding in his home country, and that’s that. His family are great and a really fun bunch. I won’t have any of my side of the family there minus a few people, due to not being close (a whole other thread but growing up my parents have been so consumed by DB that they haven’t attend many family events and we aren’t close with anyone) but his family are incredibly welcoming and the younger family members speak fluent English so I won’t be alone.

Adapting the wedding to be a low-key event in the UK would still be a nightmare. I’d still have concerns about DB’s access to alcohol, use of the toilets, the way he dresses. Learning disability or not, he has been completely unreasonable. I tried offering him a compromise - drop the wig and heels, dress in gender neutral comfortable clothing and use the male toilets just for the sake of this one evening. And he kicked off at my mum who was the messenger. So as far as I’m concerned he can forget it. I’m thankful that my parents understand and aren’t taking it personally.

Her parents aren't managing his behaviour, they don't have the resources to do that, they need support from the authorities.

Honestly, don't you think it would be worse for OP's brother if he commits a violent act and ends up getting arrested? What about the effect on the potential victim? Excluding him from the wedding isn't about his learning difficulties, it's about his previous violent threats and how that will affect others. You cannot be seriously saying that it's OK to make violent threats because he has learning difficulties. His behaviour needs to be managed, for everyone else and for his own sake.

Good for you.

And good for your parents too.

Enjoy your day.

Well done @Salitnan A tough decision but definitely the right one.

You have made the right decision, I imagine the whole scenario would turn into a complete circus were he to attend. Hope you both have a wonderful day!

Why should OP and her partner tailor their whole wedding just to suit her (seemingly selfish and unlikable) brother?