To exclude sibling from wedding due to their lifestyle choice?

[Salitnan]

This will be incredibly identifying to anyone who knows my family and quite controversial but it’s such a bloody niche situation that nobody can relate to and it’s hugely stressing me out. I’m not writing this as ragebait or to troll, it is a genuine situation I am dealing with.

I’m getting married next year. My partner of 5 years is from a very traditional, right-wing Eastern European country. My partner however is very tolerant and chill, as are most of his immediate family who also live in Western countries.

We’ve decided to get married in his home country, as it’s very affordable there and we can have a beautiful package in an area of outstanding natural beauty, and he can invite his dear godparents who he adores (and they adore him) who are scared of flying.

This is all well and good but one of my family members is presenting an issue. My brother (who is an adult in their mid-20s) has a learning disability. This is not a problem, but in the past year they have come out as transgender. This has been a massive struggle for us as there were no signs previously and it came out of nowhere, and they have insisted they are going ahead with the transition and they self-harm if anyone misgenders them or politely reminds them of etiquette in public places regarding toilets, or wearing appropriate clothing for a social situation etc. It has been extremely hard work for my aging parents, he lives with them full time. The learning disability alongside being transgender makes them massively vulnerable and they get stared at in public and often started on when in the city centre by lads, and they aren’t aware of their vulnerability. They insist on dressing incredibly provocatively (wig and heels, provocative clothes) as they say they feel insecure otherwise, and when I have tried to explain to them that women don’t necessarily dress like that, they self-harm. They insult people in public, not to their face, they will say it to my mum (will whisper in her ear “he looks like a twat”), but sometimes people have overheard and started on him and my mum has had to explain about his disability and fend them off.

I’m already in therapy to deal with complex feelings towards them from how they dominate my parents lives and how I felt neglected as a child due to the focus on them and their vulnerabilities. The recent coming out as transgender has brought up a lot of old resentment I had towards him which I had buried, and I’m trying to have the therapy so that I can have a bond with him going forward, but I can’t help but feel a sort of anger at him, and I hate myself for it.

Back onto the wedding topic - I’ve realised I simply don’t want them at the wedding. My fiancé’s family are nice people and wouldn’t be a danger to my brother but many of my fiancé’s extended family members are from a small isolated village in a Catholic Eastern European country and he will be stared at like a hawk, whispered about. To he quite frank he will stick out like a sore thumb with his clothes and hair. As awful as it sounds I will be embarrassed by him and on edge, and won’t be able to enjoy my day. My partner says he’ll notify everyone in advance that my brother will be there and what to expect but I just really can’t be doing with the stress of it all. It’s not just family it’s the the staff in the hotel, other members of the public around who might be drinking, and they will need to stay in the country a few days around the ceremony so lots of opportunity for things to go wrong. They have severe social anxiety due to their learning disability and have been known to sneak alcohol as a way to deal with this and this further increases their vulnerability as they lose their filter and say their mind in front of people.

I did try to compromise and said to my mum I’d be happy to have them if if they would be willing to tone down their dress in order to come to the wedding - dropping the wig and toning down their clothes, but they have become angry at this suggestion and have refused.

I’ve told my mum it may be the case that I can’t invite them, and therefore my parents can’t come either as they are his carers. My mum says she understands and we can have a do later on back in the UK.

I just want my day to not be dominated by him. I also don’t want to have to change the wedding plans that me and my partner are happy with just to suit him. Am I an awful person?

It’s Croatia. When you research their laws they are actually making an effort to be inclusive of those who transition but the reality in many non-tourist areas is very very different. DP and the younger members of his family are very chill and easygoing and DP is fine with DB but he has said he doesn’t think DB will be safe at the wedding unless they massively tone down the dress. It’s not just DP’s family it’s the staff at the venue, others in the village etc. DP says people would be understanding of the disability but provocative women’s clothing, a wig etc isn’t going to go down well at all. There will be a gay man there (my very close friend) who is quite “camp” and I asked DP about that and he said they will be fine and not be in any danger - things have thankfully progressed in that respect. And even if someone did bother him he doesn’t have a learning disability so he will be able to hold his own and defend himself. So it’s not comparable to my brother at all

@Salitnan Have a wonderful wedding day, you've made the right decision. You deserve to be happy too.

Wishing you a lifetime of happiness with your future husband @Salitnan

Exactly. Does he even want to be there anyway?

Likewise ! You are handling this very well.

I was born and brought up in Eastern Europe.
Part of me is telling me that you worry too much. Wedding in that part of the world is a joyous 2-day event where everybody is doused with litres of vodka and dances till they fall down. It's more probable that other guests will just make him drunk until he falls down under the table or they even may not notice he's a man and everyone will want to dance with him the whole night.
All the religious thing is just a façade really, people there are not religious in that sense any more (except of some old aunties), it's just tradition.

Speaking from a position of being in a very similar situation, OP.

First of all, I'm really sorry. You didn't cause this and shouldn't be having to deal with this. It's horribly unfair.

Secondly - and I say this gently - your mum is making a choice. She's choosing to let him 'refuse respite'. If she just went, he'd have to deal with it. She's choosing not to come to your wedding. That's very painful but it's part of a continued pattern of her putting your brother first.

Thirdly, you already know this but your brother isn't just a disability, he's also a person and it sounds like he's a shitty person. You don't need to feel bad for disliking him and he doesn't get a pass just because he also happens to be disabled. He's still choosing to behave certain ways and they are hugely harmful to your family.

Have your wedding abroad. Don't invite him. Recognise that your parents are choosing not to attend. Don't feel the need to placate them with a fake second ceremony - they can attend your wedding or not. And above all DO NOT EVER become his carer or feel a single shred of necessity to do so.

But the religion isn’t the main issue unfortunately. He is a danger to himself and others

A few weeks ago we all went up to visit family in a particular region of the UK, I’m not saying what region as don’t want to upset anyone but folk were staring at DB like a hawk. It’s a part of the UK that’s socially deprived and behind the times. My dad just wanted to meet up with his relatives for a pint and a catch-up in the pub (a proper salt of the earth working man’s pub) and everyone was visibly uncomfortable with DB’s presence so mum took him back to the B&B (the B&B owner also smirked when he checked in with him).

My parents and DB live in a major city with a big LGBT community so generally DB is a bit more accepted there, though some people do still stare. But in this particular region where we were visiting family, he just didn’t go down well at all. I spent the whole weekend with a pit in my stomach. I realised that I was going to feel like this at my wedding if he came.

The location of the wedding is a red herring. This man's behaviour makes him an unacceptable wedding guest, full stop.

@Tooobvious
@TransportNerd

because it would be nice? And kind. Family come
first

A man in women's clothing loitered in the women's toilets at a local community event. It made all of my mum's friends uncomfortable and it was discussed in front of her. It was useful to help move her thinking that others might not see her little Prince, all 6ft of him, in a bless his cotton socks kind of way.

And this is a naice part of the world. A polite, buttoned up part, people were quietly upset.

I'm disappointed not to get to see pictures of this forthcoming wedding, OP. It sounds terrific! And I'm not a person who particularly enjoys weddings on the whole.

You've had to make enough sacrifices in your life that should not have been expected of a sibling. And I know this better than most. Both my parents are dead, so I'm the one who largely nursed a beloved brother through two decades of active alcoholism.It was a tough call. I have my own family with its own problems that families invariably bring: my own career, a neurodivergent child, serious illness and a life-threatening accident among them. Life has this irritating habit of getting in the way of the best-laid plans. I couldn't possibly have lived with DB or been a 'carer'. I didn't have the time or the emotional energy to expend on living the daily minutiae of addiction, albeit we spent a fortune putting him through rehab and being there when needed. Thank the gods, he's now been in recovery for two years.

My point in relaying this story is that the duty, obligations and responsibilities of a sibling are different from those that a parent owes their child. I did what I could but preserved boundaries for my own sanity - a person like this will leach the life out of those around them and there's nothing you can do to 'save' them. All the advice from the family support charities is that you need to put your own oxygen mask on first.

You've had a variation on this theme all your life. Through no fault of your own you've never been a priority. I hope that your marriage marks the reversal of that state of things.

You fully, thoroughly, deserve a special day on which you have to worry about none of it 💐

So the OP can't have one special day for herself and her husband-to-be, because "nice" and "kind."

If you’re not interested in the wishes of OP or her partner, what about all OP's partner's family in Croatia? Why does OP not need to be "nice" and "kind" to them? Why does OP's brother come first and his wishes trump theirs?

OP's brother has been told he can come if he tones down his appearance, but refuses to do that, so he can’t be that bothered about attending his sister's wedding. Having a disability does not automatically give someone the right to behave badly, without challenge, and expect everyone else to pander to one's wishes.

Sretan brak i neka vam svaki dan donese nove razloge za slavlje ❤️

Balkan weddings are an event. I hope you have a wonderful, and memorable, day/s of celebration. On that note, I’ll toast you tonight when I pull out a bottle of višnja, which talk of Croatian weddings always makes me want.

Disability or no
He is still a manipulative nasty piece of work who could choose to compromise but won’t for OP or their lovely parents.
I feel sorry for OPs parents missing what sounds like a joyous occasion and would be telling him to either compromise as suggested or accept respite care for a few days.
His behaviour is being enabled.
Have a fabulous time 🤍

Family don’t always come first 😏

I’m not being serious… no one in their right mind would sincerely believe that Op should get married in parents garden with a takeaway!!

GO, OP! 🙌

Ah, ‘be nice, be kind’. Right up there with ‘live, laugh, love’ as examples of triteness mistaken for profundity.

Suffering the presence of the brother, who alongside the parents apparently cannot put OP first, would be neither nice for nor kindness to the couple marrying.

Edit to add: I realize now you’re being sarcastic!

I'm glad to read your update OP your allowed one day to be focused on you for a change!

Don't get suckered into any further discussions on it with family members. Keep the door open to your parents should they be able to sort restbite care.

Most importantly I hope you and your DP have an amazing day when it comes.

OP you have made the correct decision. Have a lovely wedding and life together.

Exactly. My first instinct wasn’t “he’s not coming”. I said that he is welcome if he doesn’t wear the wig or heels, and dresses gender neutral. I suggested a loose top and long pants and plain shoes, if that makes him more comfortable. Even a bloody tracksuit if that were to be comfortable for him. But he said no. What is weird is that he has sensory issues with certain clothes such as jeans and tight fitting clothes, but the sensory problems seem to be irrelevant when he wants to dress up as a women and will wear tight fitting clothes, lace, uncomfortable materials, dangly jewellery etc, heels. He always refused socks due to sensory issues but has no problem with lace spandex tights. It baffles me

He wouldn’t be coming to my wedding, maybe not even if it was in the Uk.

Because fetish satisfaction is addictive and over rides his sensory issues.