To exclude sibling from wedding due to their lifestyle choice?

[Salitnan]

This will be incredibly identifying to anyone who knows my family and quite controversial but it’s such a bloody niche situation that nobody can relate to and it’s hugely stressing me out. I’m not writing this as ragebait or to troll, it is a genuine situation I am dealing with.

I’m getting married next year. My partner of 5 years is from a very traditional, right-wing Eastern European country. My partner however is very tolerant and chill, as are most of his immediate family who also live in Western countries.

We’ve decided to get married in his home country, as it’s very affordable there and we can have a beautiful package in an area of outstanding natural beauty, and he can invite his dear godparents who he adores (and they adore him) who are scared of flying.

This is all well and good but one of my family members is presenting an issue. My brother (who is an adult in their mid-20s) has a learning disability. This is not a problem, but in the past year they have come out as transgender. This has been a massive struggle for us as there were no signs previously and it came out of nowhere, and they have insisted they are going ahead with the transition and they self-harm if anyone misgenders them or politely reminds them of etiquette in public places regarding toilets, or wearing appropriate clothing for a social situation etc. It has been extremely hard work for my aging parents, he lives with them full time. The learning disability alongside being transgender makes them massively vulnerable and they get stared at in public and often started on when in the city centre by lads, and they aren’t aware of their vulnerability. They insist on dressing incredibly provocatively (wig and heels, provocative clothes) as they say they feel insecure otherwise, and when I have tried to explain to them that women don’t necessarily dress like that, they self-harm. They insult people in public, not to their face, they will say it to my mum (will whisper in her ear “he looks like a twat”), but sometimes people have overheard and started on him and my mum has had to explain about his disability and fend them off.

I’m already in therapy to deal with complex feelings towards them from how they dominate my parents lives and how I felt neglected as a child due to the focus on them and their vulnerabilities. The recent coming out as transgender has brought up a lot of old resentment I had towards him which I had buried, and I’m trying to have the therapy so that I can have a bond with him going forward, but I can’t help but feel a sort of anger at him, and I hate myself for it.

Back onto the wedding topic - I’ve realised I simply don’t want them at the wedding. My fiancé’s family are nice people and wouldn’t be a danger to my brother but many of my fiancé’s extended family members are from a small isolated village in a Catholic Eastern European country and he will be stared at like a hawk, whispered about. To he quite frank he will stick out like a sore thumb with his clothes and hair. As awful as it sounds I will be embarrassed by him and on edge, and won’t be able to enjoy my day. My partner says he’ll notify everyone in advance that my brother will be there and what to expect but I just really can’t be doing with the stress of it all. It’s not just family it’s the the staff in the hotel, other members of the public around who might be drinking, and they will need to stay in the country a few days around the ceremony so lots of opportunity for things to go wrong. They have severe social anxiety due to their learning disability and have been known to sneak alcohol as a way to deal with this and this further increases their vulnerability as they lose their filter and say their mind in front of people.

I did try to compromise and said to my mum I’d be happy to have them if if they would be willing to tone down their dress in order to come to the wedding - dropping the wig and toning down their clothes, but they have become angry at this suggestion and have refused.

I’ve told my mum it may be the case that I can’t invite them, and therefore my parents can’t come either as they are his carers. My mum says she understands and we can have a do later on back in the UK.

I just want my day to not be dominated by him. I also don’t want to have to change the wedding plans that me and my partner are happy with just to suit him. Am I an awful person?

Nothing OP has said suggests that DB could cope with even a local wedding venue, in any case. It's quite the assumption that a wedding inclusive of him is even possible.

You mean the sibllng that has:

Caused the OP to be therapy due to growing up with a sibling with complex needs and feeling neglected during your childhood
Self harms when told no or told do something they don't like and does this in front of them
Had the police called on them for being at an activity centre
Loudly insults people in public
Threaten their parents with a knife
Manhandles their other parent
Becomes vulnerable and unpredictable when alcohol involved

You mean you can't see any possible reason why the OP wouldn't want her brother at her wedding and you would just sit back and relax with a sibling at a wedding who has a potential to be violent and loudly insult others? But that behaviour is completely acceptable while judging is not.

I've not seen anywhere that the family have said the relative needs to be hid away but please do quote where they said this incase I missed it.

I've just been thinking about that. Even at a local wedding, they would need to have someone on hand, ready to remove him when if he begins to behave in an unacceptable manner. [By "unacceptable" I'm referring to his propensity for verbal and physical abuse.]

It might be your choice but thats actually also pretty narrow minded in its own right. It rights off a very large number of people from different cultural backgrounds who can't help where they come from. Thats fairly prejudical and xenophobic...

Got one or two dodgy uncles with political views I don't like? Nnnnnaaa I'm not marrying you, you bigot family person.

Do you put this on dating profiles or do you give out questionnaires to vet prospective suitors with this mentality???

I have to say I find this mentality that you are somehow much more tolerant because you want to marry someone just like you and from a background just like yours weirdly mesmarising to see justifed as progressive.

Tolerance is about learning to deal with people and individuals who DON'T always share your world views and values and respecting them inspite of this by seeing that they come to these conclusions for their own reasons and this doesn't automatically make them bad people.

@Gloriia

her parents could go if they wanted to though

Where exactly has the OP said any of those things about her DP's family?

will he dominate the entire day/trip? i would not be able to deal with the whole walking on egg shells around him. unlike what other people might think, people in eastern europe tend to be quite understanding of what they understand as disability particularly as he is your close family and it is your wedding. they would be wary of causing an issue with the brother of the bride, regardless of how he acts. they will expect your side to be different anyway as you are ‘westerners’ :). wouldn’t worry too much about that. no one will call the police if he will use the women's toilet. can your parents/ someone else ensure he doesn’t becomes disruptive?

I think the abroad aspect is a bit of a red herring, you wouldn't want him at your wedding if it were in the UK either. Not unreasonably, in my opinion.

What's the social worker's advice for strategies around the self harm? What would happen if you called an ambulance for example? Is he on medication for the anxiety he self medicates with booze for?

You have my sympathy OP. Your parents really aren't helping him long or short term. I appreciate you can't force a 6ft bloke to go somewhere he doesn't want to for respite but they must have been tempted to arrange a carer to come round and they just go. As you acknowledge yourself this isn't sustainable long tem and when they aren't around he will be in the deep end. I'm sorry, it must be really hard.

I love how all the posters tripping over themselves to prove how tolerant they are seem to have absolutely no problem with a man brandishing a knife at a women. Or being verbally abusive in public.

Tolerant indeed.

Nope.
Its your and your husband-to-be's day, not his.
He'd not be spoiling the wedding for everyone else
Time to get him used to care/respite workers so your parents can come if they wish.

I said yesterday that OP's brother would also not be able to attend a wedding in the UK but the poster didn't respond to that.

Gloriia you've more than made your point that you don't approve of the OP. It would, in my opinion, be kind to the OP to step away from this thread now.

Slovenia likes to channel Mariah Carey when it comes to the rest of us Balkan dwellers.

I think some think that tourist resorts are reflective of the rest of a country, and that behaviour that’s tolerated in Dubrovnik will
also be tolerated in Osijek. No, no it will not be.

Please don't try and police threads. Mnhq moderate not you.

Scroll back and see how often I'm quoted, you've even named me! Here's a tip, if you don't like what I have to say ignore me.

I repeat, parents should be a priority not scenery or guests who are scared of flying. Parents of a vulnerable <even if unpleasant> sibling can't just pop on a plane as the op very well knows.

Oh for goodness sake. If the wedding was 5 minutes down the road he still shouldn't attend. Why can't you see that? He's a danger, goodness knows what he might do.

But the parents could, or one of them could. Yes?

Wow

You've still not answered whether you think parents who have caused the OP to be in therapy due to neglect should be prioritised?

Or are you basically victim shaming the OP in that her feelings and experiences aren't valid?

And someone who commits violence and brandishes a knife is now merely "unpleasant"

Wow

One of them could now. Both of them could if they bit the bullet and arranged residential care or respite care for him. Eventually he will have to be in care, he's clearly never going to be independent.

I'm not policing threads, just expressing my opinion. That's the point of a chat forum, as you've pointed out.

If you can't be kind, say nothing. That's my opinion.

Well said. Making the OP feel like shit for a totally sensible and legitimate decision is really low.

They can do that for Croatia too.

Oh, and having neglectful parents there is absolutely not inherently more important than the scenery, let alone anything else.

And again no mention of the financially excluded local guests. Almost like you think poor Eastern Europeans are beneath your notice.

At what point has the OP stated their family is right wing?

Your boundaries may allow you to turn a blind eye to the danger posed to women and girls by men going into their spaces - you do you, and all that.

However, not following along with the trans delusion is not a right wing thing. The brother clearly is potentially a danger to himself and others if they don’t affirm his identity du jour, he’s also a direct danger to women by aggressively going into their spaces (and to longhaired men).

Did you miss the bit where the OP is in THERAPY???