To exclude sibling from wedding due to their lifestyle choice?

[Salitnan]

This will be incredibly identifying to anyone who knows my family and quite controversial but it’s such a bloody niche situation that nobody can relate to and it’s hugely stressing me out. I’m not writing this as ragebait or to troll, it is a genuine situation I am dealing with.

I’m getting married next year. My partner of 5 years is from a very traditional, right-wing Eastern European country. My partner however is very tolerant and chill, as are most of his immediate family who also live in Western countries.

We’ve decided to get married in his home country, as it’s very affordable there and we can have a beautiful package in an area of outstanding natural beauty, and he can invite his dear godparents who he adores (and they adore him) who are scared of flying.

This is all well and good but one of my family members is presenting an issue. My brother (who is an adult in their mid-20s) has a learning disability. This is not a problem, but in the past year they have come out as transgender. This has been a massive struggle for us as there were no signs previously and it came out of nowhere, and they have insisted they are going ahead with the transition and they self-harm if anyone misgenders them or politely reminds them of etiquette in public places regarding toilets, or wearing appropriate clothing for a social situation etc. It has been extremely hard work for my aging parents, he lives with them full time. The learning disability alongside being transgender makes them massively vulnerable and they get stared at in public and often started on when in the city centre by lads, and they aren’t aware of their vulnerability. They insist on dressing incredibly provocatively (wig and heels, provocative clothes) as they say they feel insecure otherwise, and when I have tried to explain to them that women don’t necessarily dress like that, they self-harm. They insult people in public, not to their face, they will say it to my mum (will whisper in her ear “he looks like a twat”), but sometimes people have overheard and started on him and my mum has had to explain about his disability and fend them off.

I’m already in therapy to deal with complex feelings towards them from how they dominate my parents lives and how I felt neglected as a child due to the focus on them and their vulnerabilities. The recent coming out as transgender has brought up a lot of old resentment I had towards him which I had buried, and I’m trying to have the therapy so that I can have a bond with him going forward, but I can’t help but feel a sort of anger at him, and I hate myself for it.

Back onto the wedding topic - I’ve realised I simply don’t want them at the wedding. My fiancé’s family are nice people and wouldn’t be a danger to my brother but many of my fiancé’s extended family members are from a small isolated village in a Catholic Eastern European country and he will be stared at like a hawk, whispered about. To he quite frank he will stick out like a sore thumb with his clothes and hair. As awful as it sounds I will be embarrassed by him and on edge, and won’t be able to enjoy my day. My partner says he’ll notify everyone in advance that my brother will be there and what to expect but I just really can’t be doing with the stress of it all. It’s not just family it’s the the staff in the hotel, other members of the public around who might be drinking, and they will need to stay in the country a few days around the ceremony so lots of opportunity for things to go wrong. They have severe social anxiety due to their learning disability and have been known to sneak alcohol as a way to deal with this and this further increases their vulnerability as they lose their filter and say their mind in front of people.

I did try to compromise and said to my mum I’d be happy to have them if if they would be willing to tone down their dress in order to come to the wedding - dropping the wig and toning down their clothes, but they have become angry at this suggestion and have refused.

I’ve told my mum it may be the case that I can’t invite them, and therefore my parents can’t come either as they are his carers. My mum says she understands and we can have a do later on back in the UK.

I just want my day to not be dominated by him. I also don’t want to have to change the wedding plans that me and my partner are happy with just to suit him. Am I an awful person?

Some years ago, after Slovenia was already in the EU and Croatia was on the waiting list, my late husband had the mad idea that we should take the caravan instead of flying out to see the relatives.

The Slovenian border personnel were very relaxed and our journey through Slovenia was a pleasant one. The experience in the rest of former Jugo was somewhat different.

We needed to fill up the tank while we were on the main road from Zagreb to Beograd. DH had obtained a printed route from the RAC and we headed for the refill point they'd designated for us.

I assayed my best attempt at Croatian and asked for petrol. "Nema," I was told by a couple of men dressed from head to foot in black. In the meantime, the locals were filling up.

I broke the bad news to DH, but as we started to leave, one of the gentlemen insisted on cleaning our windscreen and demanded Deutschmarks. (Yes, it was that long ago.)

I lied and told him I only had Kuna. "Kuna no good, lady."
In the end, he accepted the handful of Kuna I gave him and I told DH to put the foot down.

A bit further down the road was a new petrol station, not on our route or our map. The chap there was in a company uniform and happy to serve us, thank goodness. Ironically, I had to ask him if he could Deutschmarks...

He looked worried and then explained that he could only give us change in Kunas. "Kuna je dobra."

We got our petrol and our change and then headed to the adjoining cafe to spend the Kunas.

I'm still absolutely flabbergasted that we have here a man who has had to have the police called on him due to threatening behaviour, has threatened his own mother with a knife, been violent with his dad and is unpredictable around alcohol and with all this in mind, will be using WOMENS toilets.

And the response from some posters here is that the problem doesn't lie with the sibling but with everyone else "not being tolerant" and that the sibling is somehow merely "unpleasant".

Screaming about intolerance while basically defending violence against women is completely shameful. There will be women and children at this wedding and yet certain posters think it's completely acceptable for them to be put at risk.

Further more the OP is in therapy for what she describes as a neglectful childhood due to her parents prioritising her siblings. And here we have her been completely victim shamed and told to continue to cycle of trauma by ensuring her parents are prioritised at the wedding.

Unbelievable.

I should also add that of course violence against his father and any men is also completely unacceptable.

Yup - some people are so intent on showing they are ‘good and tolerant’ that they will throw other women and children under the bus

I’d want none of them at my wedding.

I do hope the ‘tolerant’ people can take time and reflect on why they feel the need to try to
make shit up to make someone feel bad.

This latest stunt by him sounds like more attention seeking. Unfortunately, he’s going to always take first place to them.

I would still invite them, without him. I know they couldn’t come but I’d be damned if I let him ruin my big day

@Salitnan from what you've said there's obviously a much bigger problem and long standing unhealthy family dynamic at play. It's really common for weddings (and new babies) to be a time when coping with these dynamics becomes really difficult and things you've unhappily put up with, you find yourself unable to put up with any more. It's normal.

It sounds like your brother is holding your parents hostage and controlling them with threats of bad behaviour. Threatening to harm yourself if you don't get your own way is abuse. You haven't said to what extent your brother is able to manage with help (and does he really actually need someone there 24/7, or are your parents there because they don't want to deal with the fallout of saying no).

It's absolutely reasonable and normal to tell your brother he cannot cross dress at your wedding. It's not appropriate. You are doing nothing wrong in putting this rule in place.

You are doing nothing wrong in deciding your don't want him at your wedding at all. He's violent, manipulative. This is unfortunate, but not your problem to solve. Your job is to have a nice wedding day.

If your parents want to decide not to attend, let them.

It is not your job to organise a wedding that suits your brother.

Please keep going with the therapy. I've got similar problematic family dynamics in my own family. I've had to deal with my mother trying to get me to take on my sibling (and pay his bills). I've had to deal with her turning a blind eye to shitty behaviour (by him) that negatively impacted me. He's ND. It's not a free pass to be a selfish dickhead who always has to get their own way or else. I did wonder if there's a dynamic in the family (you mentioned a birth injury) where because of this there was guilt around giving him boundaries and saying no, and therefore it didn't happen, and if you had watched this situation develop as a child.

Fwiw enormous, aggressive 6'2 men are not unsafe in male toilets, even if cross dressed.

You can’t be bothered to use proper pro nouns it’s probably best she’s not at your wedding anyways.

He's a man.

They are wrong sex pronouns.
It is harmful to women to use wrong sex pronouns.

They are lies. And kicking off - in this case violently - because someone doesn't use them is coercive and abusive behaviour. It is not the act of someone who is worthy of respect and pandering to.

HTH.

I've reflected on what I've said and stand by all it.

I'd be so disappointed if my DC chose a venue to get married that they knew we would struggle to attend. Fortunately there isn't anything that would cause us problems but I absolutely empathise with any parent in this situation.

Of course I've sympathy for the op having a lifetime of the needs of her db with LD being catered for, but that is what happens with those with disabilities.

He's a bloke, a bloke who has learning disabilities. Also a bloke who has threatened a parent with a knife.

Nice username in the context of a man who has held a knife to his Dad over pronouns.

Uhm a massive stretch love. My username has been my username for over 2 years and references a football club, but keep stretching.

I’m Irish, we say love freely :) but ya that’s what’s wrong here and not the incredibly giant sized leap on a user name 😂

This isn’t about someone wanting a destination wedding that their parents can’t attend.

They can’t go without taking the brother. They won’t get respite unsurprisingly.

Did you miss the bit where taking him isn’t an option because his attendance would pose a risk to guests at the wedding?

Whether the wedding is abroad or down the road, he poses the same risks. And the parents still couldn’t attend.

It is very cool of you not to have an issue with a violent man dressing in frock and heels to access the women’s toilets and threatening to self harm if people don’t go along with it. Personally I wouldn’t want to share a space with someone that dangerous.

Gosh. So do you have anything further to say about this knife whielding threat making sibling other than to throw insults at the OP for refusing to have him at the wedding on the basis of... checks note... wrong sex pronouns?

Or are you just virtue signalling and not actually reading about how this bloke has had actual police involvement as a result of this behaviour?

So you think a violent bloke who behaves appallingly should be allowed to upset the bride on her wedding day?

You are defending a threatening thug and smearing and shaming the OP who is in therapy.

But somehow we are in the wrong.

Gotcha.

These posts are always enlightening.

😂😂😂

That's a joke right?