To exclude sibling from wedding due to their lifestyle choice?

[Salitnan]

This will be incredibly identifying to anyone who knows my family and quite controversial but it’s such a bloody niche situation that nobody can relate to and it’s hugely stressing me out. I’m not writing this as ragebait or to troll, it is a genuine situation I am dealing with.

I’m getting married next year. My partner of 5 years is from a very traditional, right-wing Eastern European country. My partner however is very tolerant and chill, as are most of his immediate family who also live in Western countries.

We’ve decided to get married in his home country, as it’s very affordable there and we can have a beautiful package in an area of outstanding natural beauty, and he can invite his dear godparents who he adores (and they adore him) who are scared of flying.

This is all well and good but one of my family members is presenting an issue. My brother (who is an adult in their mid-20s) has a learning disability. This is not a problem, but in the past year they have come out as transgender. This has been a massive struggle for us as there were no signs previously and it came out of nowhere, and they have insisted they are going ahead with the transition and they self-harm if anyone misgenders them or politely reminds them of etiquette in public places regarding toilets, or wearing appropriate clothing for a social situation etc. It has been extremely hard work for my aging parents, he lives with them full time. The learning disability alongside being transgender makes them massively vulnerable and they get stared at in public and often started on when in the city centre by lads, and they aren’t aware of their vulnerability. They insist on dressing incredibly provocatively (wig and heels, provocative clothes) as they say they feel insecure otherwise, and when I have tried to explain to them that women don’t necessarily dress like that, they self-harm. They insult people in public, not to their face, they will say it to my mum (will whisper in her ear “he looks like a twat”), but sometimes people have overheard and started on him and my mum has had to explain about his disability and fend them off.

I’m already in therapy to deal with complex feelings towards them from how they dominate my parents lives and how I felt neglected as a child due to the focus on them and their vulnerabilities. The recent coming out as transgender has brought up a lot of old resentment I had towards him which I had buried, and I’m trying to have the therapy so that I can have a bond with him going forward, but I can’t help but feel a sort of anger at him, and I hate myself for it.

Back onto the wedding topic - I’ve realised I simply don’t want them at the wedding. My fiancé’s family are nice people and wouldn’t be a danger to my brother but many of my fiancé’s extended family members are from a small isolated village in a Catholic Eastern European country and he will be stared at like a hawk, whispered about. To he quite frank he will stick out like a sore thumb with his clothes and hair. As awful as it sounds I will be embarrassed by him and on edge, and won’t be able to enjoy my day. My partner says he’ll notify everyone in advance that my brother will be there and what to expect but I just really can’t be doing with the stress of it all. It’s not just family it’s the the staff in the hotel, other members of the public around who might be drinking, and they will need to stay in the country a few days around the ceremony so lots of opportunity for things to go wrong. They have severe social anxiety due to their learning disability and have been known to sneak alcohol as a way to deal with this and this further increases their vulnerability as they lose their filter and say their mind in front of people.

I did try to compromise and said to my mum I’d be happy to have them if if they would be willing to tone down their dress in order to come to the wedding - dropping the wig and toning down their clothes, but they have become angry at this suggestion and have refused.

I’ve told my mum it may be the case that I can’t invite them, and therefore my parents can’t come either as they are his carers. My mum says she understands and we can have a do later on back in the UK.

I just want my day to not be dominated by him. I also don’t want to have to change the wedding plans that me and my partner are happy with just to suit him. Am I an awful person?

He wants attention hence the unpleasant clothing and fake self harming. The people who need extra help here are the parents as the situation is untenable. How you've read this thread and thought he'd the one who needs more help is beyond me he needs a better social worker and to made to give his family a break.

Yes that’s what I was saying also.. I think the Trans is a red herring. This is a very volatile person who is likely to cause a big scene for all kinds of reasons…
The reason I suggest a smaller occasion in the UK is so her parents don’t feel left out. They’ve clearly not had the easiest life.
But it is a shame they’ve not got a Support Careworker or a respite home so they can have a weekend break themselves… that’s really what they need to work towards setting up anyways, as they get older.

Honestly OP, have your lovely wedding abroad and don’t invite your brother. It sounds like you’ve been sidelined a lot of your life and you should have this day for you.

As your parents are getting older, they need to start thinking about care options for your brother, what will happen when they are too old to care for him?

@Salitnan Ive thought about this issue all night!
1, I wouldn’t invite him to any wedding no matter where it is, he’s not exactly a well wisher of yours and you don’t like him anyway.
2, report him to the police for the threatening behaviour and use of a knife against your mum, 19 women were murdered by their sons last year. Perhaps an outside agency needs to look at this.

Why would OP embrace the delusion?

Oh, come on! Would anyone invite a person to a wedding who was likely to behave badly, aggressively and ruin the day? Be honest with yourselves, all of you making excuses for him. I wouldn't invite him and I don't think most people would.

OP just go ahead with your wedding without him. If your parents weren’t being cohesively controlled through the self harm, I would suggest it’s high time they tried to find an independent living programme for him. You have to make your own life with your partner.

I would not be surprised if he had been consuming sissy porn BTW, these trans identifying males who dress like this are usually heterosexual. Do not let yourself get coerced into using language around him that you don’t want to. Self gaslighting is something your therapist is hopefully helping you with.

This is a tough situation.

I fo think the only sensible solution is to have a celebration here when you get back if he insists on going with the wig etc.

If your brother comes to the wedding you’ll be on edge all day and he may also feel uncomfortable with the extended family. How bothered is he about coming? If he really wants to couid you/your mum convince him to tone down his presentation? This seems to be the main issue - plenty of of women wear trousers and can look masculine.

The ideal would be getting him respite here and your parents coming - you say he refuses it but maybe it could be built up slowly.

Beautifully put, Dweetfidilove

For me this sums up the whole issue, and to those who've said invite the brother and leave the parents to deal with any consequences, unfortunately it may not work like that - especially if they don't speak the local language

I'm sure they'd be "terribly sorry" and insist they "really didn't want" to drag OP into it, but I'd say the chances of her avoiding that are very slim

Its your wedding day, Not your brothers. You don't have to compromise your once in a lifetime event for anyone. Your parents need to insist he accepts respite care, or not attend, he has far too much control over your family He has learned to manipulate your parents using self harm as a threat or punishment, he will have learned this from the same source on line that convinced him he's trans. He needs reassessing.

I agree. The trans issue is absolutely a red herring.

If he walked around in sexually inappropriate “masculine” clothes and engaged in stereotypically “masculine behaviour”? That wouldn’t be acceptable either.

let’s say he walked around in (fetish) chaps, a “wife beater” shirt and was manspreading in a super exaggerated manner. Maybe add in some swearing, chewing on a straw and spitting. (Yes, I’m aware that this sounds silly. But let’s just stick to the scenario for a minute.)

Would that be fine? Would anyone want that kind of behaviour at a wedding?

and if said person in the fetish chaps was being told to please wear a normal pair of jeans (which is very much a unisex article of clothing, btw) and a regular shirt, they would react violently towards themselves or others… would you want to deal with that on your wedding day? Which is pretty much the one day in your life that’s supposed to exclusively be about you, your DH and your shared love as a couple??

I would not!

As well do all the "can he not go into respite" actually understand how respite works? It isn't like booking a hotel room. There's a process that needs to be followed (or certainly in the local authority adult social care team I work for in Scotland)

You need to see even if you meet the criteria for support which is getting stricter and stricter.
Wait for a worker to be allocated
Wait for the worker to carry out and write an assessment
Wait for funding to be approved
Wait to see if there are any respite places available and if they are able or willing to support the relative or meet their needs.

Respite places are few and far between and get booked MONTHS in advance. And this is even if you meet the criteria for respite/social care support and if a respite place is willing to take the person on. And also the person needs to be willing to go there themselves.

Some people talk about respite on here like its as simple as going on booking.com. You can't simply phone up social care, click your fingers and a respite place becomes available when and where you want it.

I don't see the parents as 'enablers'. I imagine I know exactly how the self injury etc presents and it's nothing like how a person without LD self harming does. I know a person with almost identical presentations (although not trans, something else) and it is almost impossible to manage. It so is not a case of "well you just have to not let them get away with this".

Yes I was going to say this and also someone mentioned residential care, he is highly unlikely to get residential care when his parents die.

In terms of the respite as well there will be risk assessments and that will cut down the number of providers willing to offer respite for him, if any.

@InterIgnis Thank you. That's exactly what has been going through my mind. (I have relatives in former Jugo.)

I can recall cases of Scottish tourists getting themselves into trouble outside the resort areas of Croatia.

My own experience is that officials in Slovenia are fairly laid back, but this certainly wasn't the experience in Croatia (even when dealing with busloads of tourists).

You really need to go ahead with plans that don't include your brother. Otherwise you will be in your mother's position in the not too distant future, and that will be disastrous for your marriage and any children you might have. Honestly, if he has to go into a care home that won't be a bad thing for him and I strongly suspect he will adapt quite easily.

I think as well as I forgot to mention I'm not sure what respite places people think are going to accept someone who has brandished a knife at family members and has shown violent behaviour and had police involvement before. He also doesn't want respite care and there's a high chance if he goes into an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar staff, that he may show similar behaviour there. Providers have a right to keep their staff and other residents safe and I can't see any willing to accept them if there's a high risk of violent behaviour.

Which is terrible for your parents of course as they sound they desperately need the support and break. But too often the whole respite solution on here is bandied about by people with absolutely no understanding of the social care system.

I really hope OP, you have a lovely stress free wedding.

This man should be in a psychiatric unit rather than respite.

He is violent and threatening. And he is currently being indulged by enabling parents.

He is dangerous to the public

OP it reads like you’ve been told your whole life that your brothers needs are so great that he’s the most important person to be factored in and you’d really like to not have your brother as the most important person on your wedding day, and you’d like your parents to find a way to show you that you are of equal importance to your brother.

I really don’t understand why one of your parents couldn’t come to the wedding alone and the other stay at home with your brother. Is it because his feelings would be hurt that they are going without him? Or is it they can’t deal with him alone and need 2 adults at all times, or is it that they won’t come without him?

Your mum or your dad should be able to attend. It might do your mum the power of good to have a solo break.

Have you worked in a psychiatric unit? Have any idea of the process of being sectioned is? Or what criteria the is?

People do not just get admitted to a psychiatric unit because they one time branded a knife towards a family member (and I'm making absolutely no excuses for this). If every single violent and threatening person in the UK was admitted to a psychiatric ward we wouldn't have am NHS due to amount of money that would need to be spent keeping them there. Plus where all these beds going to come from?

No never worked in one
my father was sectioned
this man has brandished a knife at his mother; self harms; left a threatening note in public saying how he wanted to commit violence to men.

Her fiance and his family

I think people forget that the OPs sibling is not the only relative at this wedding. She's already said that every family event has had to be centred around her siblings needs and it seems massively unfair that her wedding, which is one of the most important days of her life and should actually be what the couple wants people are still saying should be centred around the OPs brother.

And as the OP has rightly pointed out, her OHs family also need to be considered and they aren't any less important.

The OP has said her mum understands and has said they can have a seperate do at home. I'm still not sure why people are getting on their high horse and insist the wedding is re-arranged to meet the needs of her one sibling.

There is nothing small-minded about this

Having a learning disability doesn't preclude you from being a horrible, manipulative person

Personally I would not marry someone from a ''right wing'' country with a relatives who let religion dictate how they think and behave and who makes you want to hide your brother simply because he is different.

Have you thought about what would happen if you have kids and one of them turns out to be gay or trans or disabled? will you hide them too?

Life is too short for bigotry and judgement.