To exclude sibling from wedding due to their lifestyle choice?

[Salitnan]

This will be incredibly identifying to anyone who knows my family and quite controversial but it’s such a bloody niche situation that nobody can relate to and it’s hugely stressing me out. I’m not writing this as ragebait or to troll, it is a genuine situation I am dealing with.

I’m getting married next year. My partner of 5 years is from a very traditional, right-wing Eastern European country. My partner however is very tolerant and chill, as are most of his immediate family who also live in Western countries.

We’ve decided to get married in his home country, as it’s very affordable there and we can have a beautiful package in an area of outstanding natural beauty, and he can invite his dear godparents who he adores (and they adore him) who are scared of flying.

This is all well and good but one of my family members is presenting an issue. My brother (who is an adult in their mid-20s) has a learning disability. This is not a problem, but in the past year they have come out as transgender. This has been a massive struggle for us as there were no signs previously and it came out of nowhere, and they have insisted they are going ahead with the transition and they self-harm if anyone misgenders them or politely reminds them of etiquette in public places regarding toilets, or wearing appropriate clothing for a social situation etc. It has been extremely hard work for my aging parents, he lives with them full time. The learning disability alongside being transgender makes them massively vulnerable and they get stared at in public and often started on when in the city centre by lads, and they aren’t aware of their vulnerability. They insist on dressing incredibly provocatively (wig and heels, provocative clothes) as they say they feel insecure otherwise, and when I have tried to explain to them that women don’t necessarily dress like that, they self-harm. They insult people in public, not to their face, they will say it to my mum (will whisper in her ear “he looks like a twat”), but sometimes people have overheard and started on him and my mum has had to explain about his disability and fend them off.

I’m already in therapy to deal with complex feelings towards them from how they dominate my parents lives and how I felt neglected as a child due to the focus on them and their vulnerabilities. The recent coming out as transgender has brought up a lot of old resentment I had towards him which I had buried, and I’m trying to have the therapy so that I can have a bond with him going forward, but I can’t help but feel a sort of anger at him, and I hate myself for it.

Back onto the wedding topic - I’ve realised I simply don’t want them at the wedding. My fiancé’s family are nice people and wouldn’t be a danger to my brother but many of my fiancé’s extended family members are from a small isolated village in a Catholic Eastern European country and he will be stared at like a hawk, whispered about. To he quite frank he will stick out like a sore thumb with his clothes and hair. As awful as it sounds I will be embarrassed by him and on edge, and won’t be able to enjoy my day. My partner says he’ll notify everyone in advance that my brother will be there and what to expect but I just really can’t be doing with the stress of it all. It’s not just family it’s the the staff in the hotel, other members of the public around who might be drinking, and they will need to stay in the country a few days around the ceremony so lots of opportunity for things to go wrong. They have severe social anxiety due to their learning disability and have been known to sneak alcohol as a way to deal with this and this further increases their vulnerability as they lose their filter and say their mind in front of people.

I did try to compromise and said to my mum I’d be happy to have them if if they would be willing to tone down their dress in order to come to the wedding - dropping the wig and toning down their clothes, but they have become angry at this suggestion and have refused.

I’ve told my mum it may be the case that I can’t invite them, and therefore my parents can’t come either as they are his carers. My mum says she understands and we can have a do later on back in the UK.

I just want my day to not be dominated by him. I also don’t want to have to change the wedding plans that me and my partner are happy with just to suit him. Am I an awful person?

This post reflects my feelings entirely, thank you Coatsoff 42.

This is your special day, no one should spoil it for you whoever they are.

You sound lovely and I wish you every happiness.

Absolute nonsense, the brother is male and does not need pandering to in his delusion that he is a special delicate being.
op has to do nothing, contact nobody. She is not a support for this selfish man.
he’s the violent one, threatening people with knives, it’s the actual female woman, the ONLY kind who are at risk of harm from males like the brother.

The OP needs to do nothing - none of this is her problem.

Her brother has a learning disability, the last thing he needs is more exposure to the very ideology that has damaged his relationship with his sister and caused stress to his parents.

If anyone here is at risk, they are at risk from the brother, based on OP's updates.

In all honesty, I’d have two events and only invite him to the one in the UK. Tell him it’s the one that is important to you because you want a small, intimate wedding where everyone, including him feels confortable, but that social expectations in your fiancés homeland mean you need to do a religious wedding there. It will take all the stress out of worrying about your brother’s mental health and how he will cope with an unfamiliar culture.

I agree with you- so why doesn’t your mum say he needs to go into respite? They’re letting him hold them hostage by the sounds of it. I feel so sorry for your parents but they need to stand up to him.
Where is he getting women’s clothes and alcohol from if he’s non verbal and doesn’t work?

I think you are quite right to have your wedding abroad and it seems like your mum understands- she is probably quite relieved not to have to deal with the huge effort of getting him to the destination. It is a shame one of your parents couldn’t come at least, but I suppose that isn’t really fair on whichever would have to stay.

Your brother can have learning disabilities and also be a knob. It’s not a blanket excuse for all of a person’s behaviour. It’s your wedding, you are allowed to be selfish (and you aren’t being.) Enjoy the whole day without giving him a thought, it’s your wedding day!

You really need to talk to your parents about what will happen when they are unable to look after him, make sure they have plans in place. Do you discuss that in therapy, have you discussed setting boundaries? Think about what you would be prepared to do and stick to it. Update us on the wedding- and congrats!

I don’t know op I think by choosing to have it there you’d inadvertently decided they weren’t coming. Your feelings towards them are complicated so that’s fair enough, Id honestly just find an excuse for them not to go, maybe say about the strictness over there and you’re afraid as someone said there could be a level thing. Celebrate with your family including them another time.

I know autistic people and people with a learning disability who have very rigid thinking patterns of "I like stuff that is stereotypically girly (makeup, hair, certain hobbies) and therefore I must be a woman". Some of these people if they have a learning disability might not have mental capacity to make permanent medical/surgical decisions (although they usually do have capacity to make most day to day decisions e.g. how they dress and what they ask people to call them). It might be that they expressed these thoughts and people automatically told them they must be trans without fully exploring the situation first (that does happen, and has different implications for vulnerable people, particularly if they have an IQ of less than 70 as in case of learning disabilities). I think in these specific scenarios attending trans groups and worrying about long waiting lists for gender clinics should not be the first options. I don't think trans groups would be well placed to deliver the specialist support and capacity assessments these particular people would need.

I think this person needs - if they can get one - a really good, specialist multi disciplinary community team for people with learning disabilities (which usually have a clinical psychologist and psychiatrist) to explore these matters fully.

But is it possible that - for very understandable reasons - your family give in to him too easily? For instance, not telling him the place is a mess because of his hoarding, when he himself raised the issue, because you’re afraid of upsetting him and him harming himself, seems ridiculous to me. I appreciate he doesn’t do it deliberately, but it amounts to emotional blackmail. You run the risk of turning him into a totally self-obsessed large, dangerous man who, despite his disability, calls all the shots.

But … unfortunately I can’t be constructive and suggest a way out, other than your poor mother telling his social worker that she simply cannot be his carer any more. If the current situation has made her clinically depressed, I would have thought they have to take her seriously.

He's not non verbal, having learning disabilities doesn't always mean you're non verbal.

1. They already know to be honest. I approached my parents and asked them to ask my brother whether he’d be willing to dress gender neutral and ditch the wig/high heels for the wedding. Mum said she would try. Mum came back to me saying brother reacted badly and said he feels insecure without the wig and starting biting himself. I said to mum that he won’t be safe if shows up in the heels and the wig and she has therefore resigned herself to them not coming.

1. Yes they read and have a smartphone which they are always looking at. In the months in the run up to the trans announcement they became obsessed with watching content about trans/gender stuff online and became quite weird about it all. They used to talk about hating men and this culminated when they left a note in the bathroom at a crazy golf centre saying they wanted to be violent towards some men there who had long hair. They then had a few weeks where they became really transphobic and were consuming gender critical content online before they came out as trans.
2. He attention seeks with my parents but in public tends to be quiet and shy. This is why the provocative clothing is so ridiculous as he wears it but then just follows my mum around like a duckling. All whilst being unironically dressed like something from the rocky horror picture show. Despite dressing like this, he states he has social anxiety and has unfortunately found that if he sneaks alcohol it gives him the confidence to talk to people he wouldn’t usually talk to. However this makes him lose his filter and he will openly talk about things he doesn’t like - particularly men with a particular hairstyle which for some reason really triggers him and he has an intense hatred of and will indiscreetly make comments to my mum about how he feels towards the men present who have said hairstyle.

Could they tell social services he’s become
a danger to them and he needs to live elsewhere- essentially say they’re making him homeless. Does he have a social worker?

Why should he be invited? If he is not welcome, and his presence is going to make things harder for OP?

OP said he was to other people.

As a family, you need a respite care plan and I’d strongly suggest you talk to social services about it. Your parents will begin to get frail in the coming years and will not be able to do so much for him.

Did she? She describes him as saying a few things.

Typically he is verbal to my mum and dad, and very occasionally me (though I have to talk first).

Other than that he is non-verbal but sometimes sneaks alcohol which can give him the confidence to talk to others but he has no filter and is vulnerable. We don’t give him alcohol but he sneaks it at events as he says it helps him feel normal and sociable and less “different” to others.

No I'm not.

You are determined to shame and guilt the OP. This is just yet another reasoning to do this.

Please put yourself first on your wedding day.
Weddings are for people who care about the bride and groom to come and celebrate them. It doesn't sound like your sibling will/can do either. Even your parents would struggle to make the day about you, because they will be so focused on your sibling.

Have a celebration in the UK after your wedding abroad. When that goes to shit because of the issues you describe you will catch yourself thinking "I can deal with this today because this is not my wedding" and you will be so glad you had your actual wedding away from all the drama.

It's a complex situation and you are not a bad person for having your limits. Especially on such an important day for you.

This is a very cruel post. Op's parents didn't ask for their child to have a brain injury and require a lifetime of care.

How would you propose that OP's parents plan extensively for his care when they are gone? Unless they have a spare £1500+ a week knocking about they will be at the mercy of what publicly funded services he is assessed as eligible for at the time.

I agree that they should gently start to introduce ideas for supported living/get a social worker etc. But how far they can get with this will depend on how OP's brother reacts.

Quote:
"He only talks to me, my mum and dad and is non-verbal with others."

What has happened in the past if your mother has had to leave say to go to hospital? Could she just lie and say she has to have an operation she will be away for a couple of days. Better than both of your parents missing the wedding?

Or your dad makes an excuse too and they sort out respite which they are going to have to do one day anyway right?

I think some posters are imagining him as having severe learning disabilities, always non-verbal etc, and then getting confused about the trans stuff.

It sounds like he has a mild or moderate LD (and probably autism tbh) but many on here don't understand that even those with a mild learning disability are significantly disabled, require a lot of care, are very vulnerable and often can't make decisions around many aspects of their lives.

OP - you are being completely reasonable to not have him at your wedding.

I hope you can enjoy your day without feeling guilty about behaviours and choices that you have absolutely no control of or, responsibility for.

I understand that not having your parents there will be upsetting but it is their previous choices which have helped to create such a damaging dynamic.

I know you love your mum, but unless she is willing to address the issue unfortunately her life will continue to be controlled and restricted by your brother.

Go and have a wonderful wedding - you deserve it.

This is all so difficult. Obviously no one on this thread knows how much of your brothers behaviour can be attributed to his LD (and therefore not ‘his fault’ so to speak) and how much is him being difficult, manipulative, selfish. It’s obviously possible for someone to have a LD and also be all of those things. I wonder if your guilt comes from not knowing yourself how much of this you should accept and where the line between LD and personality is? I can imagine why that must be incredibly difficult. Added to which, your life sounds like it’s been immeasurably worse due to having him as a brother. I’m sure you also have empathy for your poor parents and how difficult their life has been / still is.

For the wedding? I think it’s fine not to invite him. It doesn’t need to be about him. It’s sad that means that your parents also can’t be there but unfortunately that’s just one of the many sacrifices they have to make.

i hope you have a great day