To exclude sibling from wedding due to their lifestyle choice?

[Salitnan]

This will be incredibly identifying to anyone who knows my family and quite controversial but it’s such a bloody niche situation that nobody can relate to and it’s hugely stressing me out. I’m not writing this as ragebait or to troll, it is a genuine situation I am dealing with.

I’m getting married next year. My partner of 5 years is from a very traditional, right-wing Eastern European country. My partner however is very tolerant and chill, as are most of his immediate family who also live in Western countries.

We’ve decided to get married in his home country, as it’s very affordable there and we can have a beautiful package in an area of outstanding natural beauty, and he can invite his dear godparents who he adores (and they adore him) who are scared of flying.

This is all well and good but one of my family members is presenting an issue. My brother (who is an adult in their mid-20s) has a learning disability. This is not a problem, but in the past year they have come out as transgender. This has been a massive struggle for us as there were no signs previously and it came out of nowhere, and they have insisted they are going ahead with the transition and they self-harm if anyone misgenders them or politely reminds them of etiquette in public places regarding toilets, or wearing appropriate clothing for a social situation etc. It has been extremely hard work for my aging parents, he lives with them full time. The learning disability alongside being transgender makes them massively vulnerable and they get stared at in public and often started on when in the city centre by lads, and they aren’t aware of their vulnerability. They insist on dressing incredibly provocatively (wig and heels, provocative clothes) as they say they feel insecure otherwise, and when I have tried to explain to them that women don’t necessarily dress like that, they self-harm. They insult people in public, not to their face, they will say it to my mum (will whisper in her ear “he looks like a twat”), but sometimes people have overheard and started on him and my mum has had to explain about his disability and fend them off.

I’m already in therapy to deal with complex feelings towards them from how they dominate my parents lives and how I felt neglected as a child due to the focus on them and their vulnerabilities. The recent coming out as transgender has brought up a lot of old resentment I had towards him which I had buried, and I’m trying to have the therapy so that I can have a bond with him going forward, but I can’t help but feel a sort of anger at him, and I hate myself for it.

Back onto the wedding topic - I’ve realised I simply don’t want them at the wedding. My fiancé’s family are nice people and wouldn’t be a danger to my brother but many of my fiancé’s extended family members are from a small isolated village in a Catholic Eastern European country and he will be stared at like a hawk, whispered about. To he quite frank he will stick out like a sore thumb with his clothes and hair. As awful as it sounds I will be embarrassed by him and on edge, and won’t be able to enjoy my day. My partner says he’ll notify everyone in advance that my brother will be there and what to expect but I just really can’t be doing with the stress of it all. It’s not just family it’s the the staff in the hotel, other members of the public around who might be drinking, and they will need to stay in the country a few days around the ceremony so lots of opportunity for things to go wrong. They have severe social anxiety due to their learning disability and have been known to sneak alcohol as a way to deal with this and this further increases their vulnerability as they lose their filter and say their mind in front of people.

I did try to compromise and said to my mum I’d be happy to have them if if they would be willing to tone down their dress in order to come to the wedding - dropping the wig and toning down their clothes, but they have become angry at this suggestion and have refused.

I’ve told my mum it may be the case that I can’t invite them, and therefore my parents can’t come either as they are his carers. My mum says she understands and we can have a do later on back in the UK.

I just want my day to not be dominated by him. I also don’t want to have to change the wedding plans that me and my partner are happy with just to suit him. Am I an awful person?

I feel for your and your parents OP. Your family member sounds manipulative to the extreme.Re-iterate all you’ve said and if they threaten to self-harm tell them very firmly you’ll call the police and actually follow through with it every time. If nothing’s done it will just escalate into an absolute living hell for everyone.

Your sibling sounds like a self centred pain in the backside. I wouldn’t invite him for that reason alone.

Agreed. Can you imagine him kicking off in a different, very conservative, country and getting arrested? Some countries/police won't give a damn about LD and will treat him as the violent mentally unwell man he actually is. He could end up being in prison for months.

Have the wedding you and your future husband want @Salitnan . And going forwards be very explicit to your mother that you will never be a carer for him and she needs to start putting things in place now. These things take years to set up.

She doesn't want him there regardless as he is violent. She wouldn't even want him at a UK wedding. It's understandable that she doesn't want a man who holds knives to people's throats at her own wedding.

He has the option to come, dressed conventionally as a sign of respect towards the culture where the wedding is being hosted.

If he declines that, that is up to him. If your parents miss out because of him, it is up to them.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. He is being unreasonable by refusing to modify his dress to social norms in a conservative country so that he can attend his sister’s wedding.

Your reply on paper is very logical and correct but unfortunately the reality is somewhat different. For instance in my son's case adult services visit once a year but never once has there been any practical help or support. Yes, private arrangements can be made from organisations such as MENCAP and a few years ago I would have sung their praises, but funding and lack of training has meant the once excellent service is not as it was. And of course they are entitled not to be able to accept certain support users. Then the issue of capacity is often raised which can muddy the waters. Thank you for your advice which I know was meant well.

Having personal and professional experience in this area, it is quite common for there to be absolutely no help in reality. Some families are left in dire situations. There are cases where families have begged social care and health to take children/ adult children, been rejected or passed around and people have died as a result.

If your mum was on edge with them in a pub then wouldn't she be on edge with them at a UK wedding too? Getting married abroad with them there sounds risky and could lead to more harming. I personally wouldn't invite them.

Either way your poor parents need respite.

I’m sorry this is so stressful for you. Those saying to include him in the wedding or the move it to the uk, I wonder how many of them would be happy to have him at their wedding?
but the discussion about his care when your parents are too old/pass away is probably a good starting point. Your parents need to sort something out, and respite for them to come to the wedding is maybe a good start.

How can you say that? If the brother has a learning disability, then he will be eligible for the services of his local Learning Disability team and Social Services support. They can't make him accept it (although there is a duty to assess regardless of whether someone wants assessment or not if they are vulnerable) but he will be eligible.

Yeah, I so agree. Knowing people with learning disabilities with a similar profile to this man I can imagine so, so, so many scenarios that could go badly wrong with even a UK wedding.

So? ‘Tradition’ isn’t a diktat, it can be ignored.

Her parents and sibling don’t trump anyone unless OP decides they do.

There is some misunderstanding in this thread - my brother is genuinely disabled and cannot work and is in receipt of PIP. They do have a social worker. They’ve not made up the learning disability. They went to a special school. So that part isn’t part of the “act” so to speak. It’s just that an unpleasant side to him has emerged with the trans. I believe things aren’t black and white and the disability doesn’t excuse some of his unpleasant traits.

Hi - your reply has bought tears to my eyes because of all the posts I have read, yours in the one who "gets it". Kind hearted people are often telling others to do X or Y and the mythical help they genuinely believe it out there. As you say in reality there is often none. I wanted to thank you so much for your understanding and am so sorry if your own personal experience has contributed to that understanding. Thanks so much!

Wow. You are not being unreasonable at all - what a nightmare. To minimise confliuct/drama/stress on your parents you could perhaps frame this decision as "X [wedding destination] country is not safe for trans people" rather than "I don't want him there".

Christ. YANBU. Prioritise yourself and your future DH.
Also have you posted about this before, but your sibling wasn't identifying as trans then? If so, you've been worrying about this issue for years. time to let it go and live for yourself.

You are totally misinterpreting what I am saying. If you read my original post in reply to the OP you may understand more. She just needs to be honest to herself about why she made the decision and the family needs to stop hiding behind things and address the elephant in the room. Her sibling.

For everyone saying he needs to be in hospital or have a MH assessment, nothing says he is mentally ill or has a treatable, diagnoseable MH condition.

Its not clear if he has a learning difficulty or learning disability and what the nature of that is. Thats not a MH condition and we dont lock people up for having LD anymore

He is just, unfortunately, a grown man with violent tendencies who has learning needs. It sounds very much like autism but obviously as OP says he doesnt have a diagnosis as its complicated to diagnose fo rhim but also rather irrelevant, given that ultimately its OPs choice whether she is around him or not.

I wouldnt be.

He would I strongly suspect qualify to be sectioned. If you look up the criteria he would likely do so.
Am amazed this man has not had a GP referral or any connection to any sort of service. I find it incredulous frankly. No self respecting professional would not have done so years ago.

You are totally misinterpreting what I am saying, read my original response to the OP's post. I'm bowing out now.

I think self harm and threatening behaviour might be indicative of a mental health crisis.

My son has a learning disability, went to a special school and has also developed several complex psychiatric conditions. The local learning disability team and social services visit once a year and have assessed, but that has resulted in zero practical help and support for my son (or ourselves).

People talk of respite - but in reality where is this respite? And when found of course it also has to be agreed to and paid for.

He doesn't sound mentally well enough to travel and remain safe - there could as easily be a serious incident on the plane that results in his life being far, far worse than it is now.

Have your wedding exactly where you want.

Would your Dad come alone? Are there any other relatives and/or friends who could come? I agree that it's probably best to have a celebration in this country after the wedding.

Not always. The vast number of people I work with who demonstrate these behaviours, particularly in absence of other depressive symptoms AND in relation to someone telling them 'no' to something are seen by MH professionals as having a behavioural/learned behaviour response rather than a MH condition.

Any self harm is usually superficial and/or suicide behaviour is not fully formed but do risk hurting themselves through misadventure.