To exclude sibling from wedding due to their lifestyle choice?

[Salitnan]

This will be incredibly identifying to anyone who knows my family and quite controversial but it’s such a bloody niche situation that nobody can relate to and it’s hugely stressing me out. I’m not writing this as ragebait or to troll, it is a genuine situation I am dealing with.

I’m getting married next year. My partner of 5 years is from a very traditional, right-wing Eastern European country. My partner however is very tolerant and chill, as are most of his immediate family who also live in Western countries.

We’ve decided to get married in his home country, as it’s very affordable there and we can have a beautiful package in an area of outstanding natural beauty, and he can invite his dear godparents who he adores (and they adore him) who are scared of flying.

This is all well and good but one of my family members is presenting an issue. My brother (who is an adult in their mid-20s) has a learning disability. This is not a problem, but in the past year they have come out as transgender. This has been a massive struggle for us as there were no signs previously and it came out of nowhere, and they have insisted they are going ahead with the transition and they self-harm if anyone misgenders them or politely reminds them of etiquette in public places regarding toilets, or wearing appropriate clothing for a social situation etc. It has been extremely hard work for my aging parents, he lives with them full time. The learning disability alongside being transgender makes them massively vulnerable and they get stared at in public and often started on when in the city centre by lads, and they aren’t aware of their vulnerability. They insist on dressing incredibly provocatively (wig and heels, provocative clothes) as they say they feel insecure otherwise, and when I have tried to explain to them that women don’t necessarily dress like that, they self-harm. They insult people in public, not to their face, they will say it to my mum (will whisper in her ear “he looks like a twat”), but sometimes people have overheard and started on him and my mum has had to explain about his disability and fend them off.

I’m already in therapy to deal with complex feelings towards them from how they dominate my parents lives and how I felt neglected as a child due to the focus on them and their vulnerabilities. The recent coming out as transgender has brought up a lot of old resentment I had towards him which I had buried, and I’m trying to have the therapy so that I can have a bond with him going forward, but I can’t help but feel a sort of anger at him, and I hate myself for it.

Back onto the wedding topic - I’ve realised I simply don’t want them at the wedding. My fiancé’s family are nice people and wouldn’t be a danger to my brother but many of my fiancé’s extended family members are from a small isolated village in a Catholic Eastern European country and he will be stared at like a hawk, whispered about. To he quite frank he will stick out like a sore thumb with his clothes and hair. As awful as it sounds I will be embarrassed by him and on edge, and won’t be able to enjoy my day. My partner says he’ll notify everyone in advance that my brother will be there and what to expect but I just really can’t be doing with the stress of it all. It’s not just family it’s the the staff in the hotel, other members of the public around who might be drinking, and they will need to stay in the country a few days around the ceremony so lots of opportunity for things to go wrong. They have severe social anxiety due to their learning disability and have been known to sneak alcohol as a way to deal with this and this further increases their vulnerability as they lose their filter and say their mind in front of people.

I did try to compromise and said to my mum I’d be happy to have them if if they would be willing to tone down their dress in order to come to the wedding - dropping the wig and toning down their clothes, but they have become angry at this suggestion and have refused.

I’ve told my mum it may be the case that I can’t invite them, and therefore my parents can’t come either as they are his carers. My mum says she understands and we can have a do later on back in the UK.

I just want my day to not be dominated by him. I also don’t want to have to change the wedding plans that me and my partner are happy with just to suit him. Am I an awful person?

I’d be very concerned by a “child” displaying agressive, violent sexualised behaviours such as he, which would indicate significant safeguarding concerns and then yes, he absolutely needs to be removed to a place of safety for all.

Precisely.
He has never I think been properly assessed for his learning difficulties. Travesty for all concerned.

His parents may be trying to protect him but not realising by not allowing medical interventions, if they are reluctant to seek help, they may be doing the complete opposite.
Am amazed a GP or hospital has not been involved. Or Adult social services.

Out of curiosity, OP - did he go to a special school?

What would that intervention be though? In my son's case the police cannot do anything (despite law breaking) and the health services do nothing either. I have unsuccessfully begged for him to be sectioned on numerous occasions, as indeed he has himself. Unfortunately I have found that a person having multiple issues and diagnosis complicates things but actually gives one team "an excuse" to pass the case onto another authority/department. Been going round in circles for over 30 years with any external support having to be paid for. Obviously areas may vary but in mine there has been nothing to help in a practical sense since the day he turned 18 when leaving paediatric and school services behind. So if you genuinely know what an intervention actually is I would be so grateful to know.

This is going to be your special day, and (probably for once in your life) this should be all about, and only about YOU. Have your lovely wedding, do not invite your brother, and try to get some arrangements so that at least one of your parents can come. If they can't, go ahead and have the wedding you want. Don't let any of the guilt-trippers here try to make you feel bad about it. I hope you have a wonderful day and a great marriage.

Being transgender is not a lifestyle choice!

Its a long thread so others will already have said this Im sure but no I wouldnt invite him, he has no respect for other people in society and will act in socially inappropriate and unkind and disrespectful if not emotionally manipulative ways

What if he kicks off and starts threatening to self harm because someone says 'he', or 'her brother'? Are there children going to be present as well?

He has the right to be 'his true self' and others have the right not to want to engage with that 'true self'.

Perhaps but the sexually provocative dress and related aggressive behaviours are which is the main issue here.

It literally is.

You're choosing to present as the opposite sex.

There is help. The first port of call is the GP. Who can refer to specialist mental support.
And if someone has risked or seriously threatened to kill themselves they can be admitted to a mental health unit at a hospital.
I would go so far as to say I am astonished this has not actually happened.

True.

He is a man choosing to wear revealing and highly inappropriate overly sexualised womens clothing. His behaviour is aggressive and designed and deliberate in attempts to provoke a reaction from women. He is consciously choosing to look and behave in this way.

It’s your wedding, and you’re in a very difficult situation. Also - your poor mum!

But you are making efforts to accommodate your partner’s godparents, who are not relatives, and not your sibling. Surely your sibling is more important than a non-relative of your partner’s?

Either accommodate those most important, or no-one. You know the UK will be much more tolerant than your other option.

I guess they need to start planning for the future really, they are not going to be able to care for him for ever. I know people who have adult children who go for respite care or who have carers to come to help out/take them out for the day. Adult Social Services are involved.
People who have plans in place for emergencies etc.
I'm not familiar with the ins and outs but help does exist and I know that some is privately paid for and some is paid for with PIP.
I think my starting point would be Social Services and/or private carers/PIP claim.

I'm not saying that, I am saying that it appears she had already made the decision to exclude her parents and sibling when she made the decision to have the wedding abroad and not because he is refusing to subdue his appearance, that came after. And that is fine, just be honest about it as it maybe the momentum or reason her parents need to address the issues with her sibling.

It’s my partners wedding just as much as mine.

also my partner’s godparents are relatives, it’s normal in his culture for godparents to be your auntie/uncle

It very much is.

But parents and siblings trump Uncle/Aunt or Godparents. And its tradition in this country to marry int he brides home not the grooms.

But there is no problem with you marrying there, if you are honest about why you are marrying there. It might be what your parents need, the catalyst to change things with your sibling.

Yes but you said if your sibling doesn't come then neither will your parents, as they are his carers.

OP can you sell it as a Balkan wedding and another (more low key) English one? You may find you have friends who’d prefer not to travel but could come to a quieter dinner/dance/party here. Do you or your parents have space for a marquee in the garden? You could have caterers or a hog roast or food truck and then dancing but all “at home” so your brother would dominate less.

Would he understand the concept of being your bridesmaid? You shouldn’t have to and you’re entirely reasonable not to have him there at all, but if you said he was a bridesmaid does that mean you could get away with putting him a trouser suit and blouse and getting “your” hairdresser to do something better than his wig? Again, this is only if you decide to pander to him to enable your parents to be there.

It most absolutely and certainly is!

I agree, it's not a "lifestyle choice".

In the majority of the men who claim to be transwomen, I would say "fetish" would be a more accurate descriptor. Usually via the sissy porn to trans route.

So tradition and maintaining abusive relationships and enabling toxic behaviour is the most important thing.

These type of attitudes always harm women.

She is not responsible for her sibling. And yes her parents need to step up although no-one can deny this has been tough in them. In an ideal world he could go into respite and they could go to the wedding, but the family has not made that move yet and he will not go quietly.

The wedding maybe the catalyst for them to make changes.

I say this as someone with a brother with similar (but different) issues.

I have done, and he himself has done, exactly what you have suggested on multiple occasions over the years. All have lead to nothing because of a complex diagonsis it has been very much a case of going round in circles and getting nowhere. Unfortunately he has never qualified for a place in a mental health unit or in a general hospital ward awaiting psychiatric support. Just sent home again from A&E again and again. Adult social services visit once a year for box ticking purposes. But I thank you for answering anyway and I am aware the answer sounds so obvious, but the reality is somewhat different.