To exclude sibling from wedding due to their lifestyle choice?

[Salitnan]

This will be incredibly identifying to anyone who knows my family and quite controversial but it’s such a bloody niche situation that nobody can relate to and it’s hugely stressing me out. I’m not writing this as ragebait or to troll, it is a genuine situation I am dealing with.

I’m getting married next year. My partner of 5 years is from a very traditional, right-wing Eastern European country. My partner however is very tolerant and chill, as are most of his immediate family who also live in Western countries.

We’ve decided to get married in his home country, as it’s very affordable there and we can have a beautiful package in an area of outstanding natural beauty, and he can invite his dear godparents who he adores (and they adore him) who are scared of flying.

This is all well and good but one of my family members is presenting an issue. My brother (who is an adult in their mid-20s) has a learning disability. This is not a problem, but in the past year they have come out as transgender. This has been a massive struggle for us as there were no signs previously and it came out of nowhere, and they have insisted they are going ahead with the transition and they self-harm if anyone misgenders them or politely reminds them of etiquette in public places regarding toilets, or wearing appropriate clothing for a social situation etc. It has been extremely hard work for my aging parents, he lives with them full time. The learning disability alongside being transgender makes them massively vulnerable and they get stared at in public and often started on when in the city centre by lads, and they aren’t aware of their vulnerability. They insist on dressing incredibly provocatively (wig and heels, provocative clothes) as they say they feel insecure otherwise, and when I have tried to explain to them that women don’t necessarily dress like that, they self-harm. They insult people in public, not to their face, they will say it to my mum (will whisper in her ear “he looks like a twat”), but sometimes people have overheard and started on him and my mum has had to explain about his disability and fend them off.

I’m already in therapy to deal with complex feelings towards them from how they dominate my parents lives and how I felt neglected as a child due to the focus on them and their vulnerabilities. The recent coming out as transgender has brought up a lot of old resentment I had towards him which I had buried, and I’m trying to have the therapy so that I can have a bond with him going forward, but I can’t help but feel a sort of anger at him, and I hate myself for it.

Back onto the wedding topic - I’ve realised I simply don’t want them at the wedding. My fiancé’s family are nice people and wouldn’t be a danger to my brother but many of my fiancé’s extended family members are from a small isolated village in a Catholic Eastern European country and he will be stared at like a hawk, whispered about. To he quite frank he will stick out like a sore thumb with his clothes and hair. As awful as it sounds I will be embarrassed by him and on edge, and won’t be able to enjoy my day. My partner says he’ll notify everyone in advance that my brother will be there and what to expect but I just really can’t be doing with the stress of it all. It’s not just family it’s the the staff in the hotel, other members of the public around who might be drinking, and they will need to stay in the country a few days around the ceremony so lots of opportunity for things to go wrong. They have severe social anxiety due to their learning disability and have been known to sneak alcohol as a way to deal with this and this further increases their vulnerability as they lose their filter and say their mind in front of people.

I did try to compromise and said to my mum I’d be happy to have them if if they would be willing to tone down their dress in order to come to the wedding - dropping the wig and toning down their clothes, but they have become angry at this suggestion and have refused.

I’ve told my mum it may be the case that I can’t invite them, and therefore my parents can’t come either as they are his carers. My mum says she understands and we can have a do later on back in the UK.

I just want my day to not be dominated by him. I also don’t want to have to change the wedding plans that me and my partner are happy with just to suit him. Am I an awful person?

It runs through the whole movement like a stick of rock OP, it’s likely he’s getting validation on Reddit, discord etc.

Right but those aren’t the only relatives who wouldn’t be able to come. OP also says some of her partners‘ relatives are too poor to travel that far. Given that it’s not possible to have both families there, and the partner’s family is just as important, there’s no need for guilt about choosing the wedding the OP prefers.

You could also consider making an adult safeguarding referral for your parents. It sounds like your brother (whether inadvertently or not) is abusing them emotionally, psychologically and physically (knife incident).

sums everything up of this thread! Op being told yet again her brothers needs are priority and their parents will always prioritise him and she has to acquiesce.

The trans stuff is never irrelevant because they dominate every situation.

This sounds incredibly difficult! You have my sympathies!
I absolutely understand not wanting your DB to attend… I personally would be absolutely gutted if my mother couldn’t but that’s not on you.

My DH‘s brother is awful. he‘s covered in right wing tattoos, denies the shoah ever happening etc. (he’s an out ans proud neo-Nazi!) and he’s just a really unpleasant and aggressive person to be around.

one side effect of having our religious wedding abroad (this summer) meant that he can’t / won’t attend. Which has been a massive massive blessing!

So… I‘m not saying that our situation is the same. But I can definitely sympathise.

our choice to get married abroad does mean that some wonderful people very dear to us won’t be able to attend. But he’s already managed to sabotage our engagement party and openly uninviting him would have caused such a shit storm… well, it is what it is!

You wedding is about you and your DP. And you deserve it to be about you two and nobody else!!

I don’t think this is altogether fair. There isn’t a lot of help out there. The brother seems to have a mix of a learning disability ( we don’t know how severe) and mental illness. He is dominating everything but he’s also vulnerable. The parents have a difficult problem on their hands. They may not have handled it optimally but that doesn’t mean they don’t care about OP.
Do you have experience of trying to set limits for a child with issues like OP’s brother or of trying to involve outside services. They desperately need outside help now but if he won’t cooperate it will be practically difficult to put help in place. It’s a sad situation for everyone in the family.

A live stream is a great idea

Have you read all the OP's posts? She loves the country she is planning to get married in. It's not unusual for a couple to wish to get married in a place they love. She is not prioritising her inlaws.

Multiple relatives on the other side would not be able to attend a wedding in the UK for several reasons, including cost. Her parents and brother CAN attend a wedding outside of the UK. In fact, they have been invited, just advised that there is a dress code. Her brother refuses to comply with the dress code and, when challenged, 'self harmed' to get out of the conversation and get his own way.

One or both of her parents could choose to attend without the brother but, for some reason, they refuse to seek even temporary care for him.

This is also an adult man, over 6ft tall, who has manhandled his mother, held a knife to his father's throat and faced police intervention following a note he wrote threatening other patrons in an activity centre. He is violent and he sounds manipulative at best, and unstable and dangerous at worst.

You're planning a wedding. Would you invite a large, selfish, unstable man with a history of violence? Is this yet another example of where women should suppress their own needs and desires because the needs of a single, manipulative man are more important?

Exactly this. The unacceptable behaviour is a reason not to invite the brother

I don't blame you. He sounds like an utter nightmare. Is he likely to kick off when he discovers he is coming?

Is this yet another example of where women should suppress their own needs and desires because the needs of a single, manipulative man are more important?

I think this is what upsets me most about this thread, the people who think OP shouldn't even prioritise herself on her wedding day. I appreciate they are a minority but they are vocal.

As a side issue if youre close to your sibling Id be encouraging them into counselling.

If theyre trans theyre trans but theyre behavoiur coupled with the mention of a disability makes me worry that maybe they need support to explore those feelings

Sounds like your brother needs a psychiatric evaluation asap.

Have the wedding you want, don’t worry about your brother or parents. Suit yourself.
It is a very sad situation and I really sympathise.
My sibling has Histrionic Personality Disorder. When we were in our teens, our entire lives revolved around her. I never got a look in. I ended up having a breakdown over it.
She has toned down in the last few years but she used to dress extremely provocatively to get maximum attention.
She also started fights and self harmed, especially if anyone suggested she do anything other than exactly what she wanted to do.
Even now she’s toned down it’s something that puts me off getting married.
I think most people just don’t understand because they haven’t been through it.
I hope you get to have a nice day that’s about you for once. Don’t feel guilty about it.

I thnk she is 'not being unreasonable to exclude him' and have a lovely day.

Perhaps the poll is indicative of people like me!

He’s not a child now, and the parents are absolutely at fault for not calling the police or for psych input at his violent and agressive behaviour of holding a knife to his dad.
am assuming they didn’t because they knew he’d end up in police custody given he doesn’t seem to actually have any diagnosis

I suspect he would end up in hospital rather than a police cell.
If he is learning difficulties he will be very much like a child but in an adults body.

Weddings are often a trigger that forces conversations in families. You might be in one of those situations.

Id speak to your mum again, he needs to go into respite care, or could she go to your wedding alone and your dad look after him alone?

And say this has made you think you need to be clear, you will not ever have him live with you, so they need to accept if they get sick and can’t care for him anymore, you won’t step in, is it not better to start working with him now towards living away from them? Can they speak to social worker about options?

I would leave your brother at home with your parents and live stream the wedding so they can be part of it. They have complex issues and it wouldn't be appropriate for them to travel abroad and your parents wouldn't be comfortable leaving them. None of it is your fault, you arnt being unreasonable feeling the way you do. Enjoy your wedding, as I said , live stream it and then when you get back you can have a little celebration with your parents and share your photos and memories of the day.

I think your parents need some kind of intervention here. This is not simple an adult child with learning disabilities that they are caring for - trans issues, manipulation, violence, threats, self harming.
They also need to start some sort of care plan for when they become too old or infirm to care for him properly, which may come sooner than you think. This should be started now, perhaps with some intervention the brother can start going to respite and ultimately free your parents up to travel to your wedding.
If not then do not invite him.

I wish it were so easy. My son with violent and aggressive behaviour has had the police called on him (by ourselves and others) literally dozens of times over the past 30 years. Arrested but nothing actually done, ironically because of his diagnosis. So then over to psychiatric/health services and equally nothing is done. Lots of meetings, lots of box ticking but in reality zero help or support.
I have spent his entire adult life seeking help but it is just not available.

OP, I've read all of your posts. I hope you have a lovely wedding. I agree with you that your brother should stay away, and please for the love of God don't volunteer to care for him if your parents become too elderly or inform. Do not sacrifice yourself for him, you aren't a martyr.

Could even your Mum just come to the wedding OP and your Dad care for your brother for a few days? You could try get someone in for a couple of hours each day to give your Dad a break. And when you are back have a party at home?

I know they are usually used for children, but would social stories be helpful to help your brother understand the etiquette of what to wear in places of worship etc?

E.g. it is disrespectful to wear revealing outfits in places of worship, include examples from other religions about needing to cover their heads/remove shoes etc. as a sign of respect.

And that "the rules" apply to everyone, not just him, and they are not "your" rules per se but the rules of the church?

@Salitnan wedding issues aside, you need to persuade your parents to get appropriate support with your brother. Two reasons - as they age he will become more difficult for them to manage and secondly without your parents supporting him his life will likely become very isolating potentially leading him into trouble. You are at the start of your new life with your husband - do not be persuaded to take on your brother as that is not fair on you and you should not feel guilty for having a life with your new husband and possible children. It would be wonderful if your parents could attend your wedding but it is their choice not to seek respite care for your brother.