To exclude sibling from wedding due to their lifestyle choice?

[Salitnan]

This will be incredibly identifying to anyone who knows my family and quite controversial but it’s such a bloody niche situation that nobody can relate to and it’s hugely stressing me out. I’m not writing this as ragebait or to troll, it is a genuine situation I am dealing with.

I’m getting married next year. My partner of 5 years is from a very traditional, right-wing Eastern European country. My partner however is very tolerant and chill, as are most of his immediate family who also live in Western countries.

We’ve decided to get married in his home country, as it’s very affordable there and we can have a beautiful package in an area of outstanding natural beauty, and he can invite his dear godparents who he adores (and they adore him) who are scared of flying.

This is all well and good but one of my family members is presenting an issue. My brother (who is an adult in their mid-20s) has a learning disability. This is not a problem, but in the past year they have come out as transgender. This has been a massive struggle for us as there were no signs previously and it came out of nowhere, and they have insisted they are going ahead with the transition and they self-harm if anyone misgenders them or politely reminds them of etiquette in public places regarding toilets, or wearing appropriate clothing for a social situation etc. It has been extremely hard work for my aging parents, he lives with them full time. The learning disability alongside being transgender makes them massively vulnerable and they get stared at in public and often started on when in the city centre by lads, and they aren’t aware of their vulnerability. They insist on dressing incredibly provocatively (wig and heels, provocative clothes) as they say they feel insecure otherwise, and when I have tried to explain to them that women don’t necessarily dress like that, they self-harm. They insult people in public, not to their face, they will say it to my mum (will whisper in her ear “he looks like a twat”), but sometimes people have overheard and started on him and my mum has had to explain about his disability and fend them off.

I’m already in therapy to deal with complex feelings towards them from how they dominate my parents lives and how I felt neglected as a child due to the focus on them and their vulnerabilities. The recent coming out as transgender has brought up a lot of old resentment I had towards him which I had buried, and I’m trying to have the therapy so that I can have a bond with him going forward, but I can’t help but feel a sort of anger at him, and I hate myself for it.

Back onto the wedding topic - I’ve realised I simply don’t want them at the wedding. My fiancé’s family are nice people and wouldn’t be a danger to my brother but many of my fiancé’s extended family members are from a small isolated village in a Catholic Eastern European country and he will be stared at like a hawk, whispered about. To he quite frank he will stick out like a sore thumb with his clothes and hair. As awful as it sounds I will be embarrassed by him and on edge, and won’t be able to enjoy my day. My partner says he’ll notify everyone in advance that my brother will be there and what to expect but I just really can’t be doing with the stress of it all. It’s not just family it’s the the staff in the hotel, other members of the public around who might be drinking, and they will need to stay in the country a few days around the ceremony so lots of opportunity for things to go wrong. They have severe social anxiety due to their learning disability and have been known to sneak alcohol as a way to deal with this and this further increases their vulnerability as they lose their filter and say their mind in front of people.

I did try to compromise and said to my mum I’d be happy to have them if if they would be willing to tone down their dress in order to come to the wedding - dropping the wig and toning down their clothes, but they have become angry at this suggestion and have refused.

I’ve told my mum it may be the case that I can’t invite them, and therefore my parents can’t come either as they are his carers. My mum says she understands and we can have a do later on back in the UK.

I just want my day to not be dominated by him. I also don’t want to have to change the wedding plans that me and my partner are happy with just to suit him. Am I an awful person?

And for those commentators saying she should put her mother first and have the wedding in the UK - the OP has said that her mum herself suggested that she wouldn't go, but would stay home with her son. So why try to guilt trip the OP.
I'm sure if her mum wanted to go the OPs father could stay home with his son - or her father might really want to walk her down the aisle, so maybe he should go, with mum at home.
and agree with this, her parents have never put her first, why should they be given consideration?

What a nasty thing to say. She don’t say her parents were neglectful. It is a sad fact that in families where a child has serious ill health or disability, that they require a disproportionate degree of the parents attention and time. That is not neglect.

And don’t forget the recent note he left in a public toilet threatening violence against men.

These pathetic parents are harbouring a violent man.

It is when they’ve never made any steps for support or diagnosis

OP you've had to take a back seat your whole life, by the sound of it. Have the wedding you and your fiance deserve, have a day without stress and drama and weirdness.

Wow you are in an incredibly difficult situation which understandably brings up a lot of complex feelings around your relationship with your mum and dad and their ability / lack of ability to be there for you. I personally don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that your brother does not attend and in many regards it’s not in his best interest either. You have explained to him and tried to compromise about dress code and he has refused. That is ok. It’s also possibly something that could be revisited with him again closer to the wedding date. So your parents never get respite where your brother is cared for by someone else / an overnight stay or residential somewhere? This could be something you could ask be discussed with his social worker.

it would be a shame for your parents to not be there but if it has to be that way then do work to put something together to mark the day in the uk so that your brother, mum and dad can be part of the celebrations too.

Given that you think you would have handled this much better, what do you think the workable solution is for OP to have a happy and calm wedding, given that her sibling threatens violence on a regular basis? Interested to know how this would be handled, in the UK or abroad.

What an awful situation for you and your family. Does your brother have access to the Internet? I assume the hyper-sexualised dressing is from watching sissy porn or being exposed to others with similar fetish3s online. Can your family's wifi connection get broken for a couple of weeks? Can you block access to most websites? Please enjoy your wedding without him. 💐

I didn't read it all OP, but just to say am sorry. Terribly difficult situation. Bottom line is though that you should have the wedding of your choice - if that means that you don't want to spend the day watching out for your brother then don't do it. If he is unwilling to tone down the clothes and self-harms at any mention of doing something he doesn't want to do then you are left with little choice.

I feel sorry for your parents though, missing out. No chance at all of someone being able to step in and care for a couple of days? Or a carer? As your parents are full-time carers it may be possible to arrange, though a headache. I think at your parents age that they need to start planning for the not-so-distant future too of care for your brother, they won't be able to care forever.

Sending hugs.

Read the OP's posts, she did indeed say they were neglectful, that she was neglected by them.

“DB obsessed parents”

Thats is a ridiculous thing to say. What are his parents supposed to do? Put him on the street? It’s not as if there’s much or any support for the parents of disabled people.

Hi OP I completely agree you do not need this at your wedding. As for the bigger picture- it’s close to becoming an adult safeguarding issue for your parents isn’t it…speaking from experience here with a vulnerable parent being bullied by a sibling with serious mental health concerns.
It’s your parents choice to care for your brother, but your brother is sometimes violent or uses threats of violence and/or self harm to get their own way. You could raise a safeguarding concern, or your parents could. Your local authority adult social care could be informed even if your parents don’t wish them to take any action yet. It’s complex and it’s also serious- for your brother as well as your parents. Mental health issues are now measured by severity of the impact on someone’s life - and this behaviour, whatever the cause, is at the severe end I believe.

You might feel better knowing social services were briefed on this. It takes the pressure off you to know they have to intervene by law if your parents aren’t safe.

I have worked as a support worker for adults with LD previously, including working with many people who would be referred to as having 'mild LD' , so closer to the 70 IQ. Several people I supported I am sure could comprehend transgender. However, knowing their vulnerability and level of understanding, I imagine would face similar challenges to OPs brother, like wearing sexualised clothing and put themselves in risky situations.

Request needs assessment and respite? But the parents don’t want to do that..

Did he by any chance decide to come out as trans when you announced your engagement, or quite soon thereafter?

Really?! My C u next Tuesday brother was not invited to my wedding. Why should OP have to have her brother? Not everyone has family members you would want to be around. There are posts almost every day advising low/no contact with family members. Op has had a lifetime of this and she has a right to have boundaries. Brother sounds manipulative and her parents like doormats. OP doesn't have to be a doormat too!

Don’t invite your brother. He is a bully. Whether thats his fault or not, he’s a violent bully and you’ll be on pins in case another guest looks at him funny, or even sniggers if they’re looking at him dressed inappropriately.

Have the day you want and deserve 💙

Ridiculous response. Choosing one of the myriad of issues and focussing on that to make the OP look unreasonable.

Slavic woman here.

I do not think it would be appropriate to invite your brother either, unfortunately.
Don’t expect any understanding of the situation from the local residents. Different culture, different values, different mindset.

Does your brother receive any support from adult social work (referred to as care management where I am in Scotland). If yes, I wonder if they can refer to relevant professional support? For example, an LD psychologist Or SALT to help communicate to them what is/isn't appropriate etc in a way they can understand? If no, maybe GP could refer to the relevant multi-disciplinary team?

You don't like your sibling and don't want them embarrassing you in front of your shiny new family. Best all round if you cut contact with them and your parents right now, otherwise when your parents are no longer around you will be expected to take responsibility for their care. Maybe you should move to your husband's country just to be on the safe side?

Heaven forbid any of DPs relatives in his home country who are excluded from travelling due to poverty be thought about, of course. They're due no consideration at all, serves them right for being poor. Travel doesn't count if it's not Westerners doing it.

I've a disabled sibling too, fwiw.

It’ll make your day stressful
, rather than the joyous day it should be, so just don’t invite them. Can your parents have respite carers to care for your sibling?

Well, I'd have had it in this country so that my parents could easily attend and they could have brought sibling with LD. Then if he became overwhelmed or difficult one of the parents could have left with him. Easier than if in another country where one can't just nip to the airport mid wedding, no?

I'd have suggested the relatives in dps country who are scared of flying got some valium and some calming apps to enable them to attend said wedding.

Parents should be top of the list and whatever challenges they face should be addressed at the <scenic> venue choosing stage. Obviously, imo.

Are you trying to be facetious or high handed here?